kygurl Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I have been married for 15 years and my husband started a friendship with another younger married co-worker over a year ago. They began going to lunch together, and running errands. I Expressed my displeasure and he said they were just friends and "would I be upset if it were his friend Phil?" Well, he then asked if I would want to meet up with her and her husband at the lake.(we both have lake houses) I agreed (why would he want us to hang together if something was going on right?) So, we hooked up and she was soooo distant. I thought, how can she talk so easily with my husband about her infertility issues, marriage, bikini waxes, ect (thats just what he has told me) and not say 10 words to me? I asked him about it and he said "I don't know why she acted that way, she is very social at work." Well, they continue to to go to lunch and he rarely tells me what they talk about except that she is trying to get pregnant. (her husband works there as well in a different building. why can't she eat with him) Anyway, when she had her miscarriage she only told my husband, she only talks to my husband about her infirtility issues her frustrations with family, friends ect. (this is what he tells me.) (there are girls in the office). He said when she comes in his office and talks about these things, he does not want to be rude and tell her to leave. He also said that there are very few people to go to lunch with and he would make an effort to make sure that they do not eat lunch alone but.....if they could not find another person to go....... We have met with them as a couple three times and each time she has been VERY distant and like it is difficult for her to talk to me. I told my husband that if we are to be "couple friends" then she and I have to be able to communicate and she doesn't seem to even try. It is very confusing. I asked him what he has shared with her about us or himself that has made her feel so comfortable to share such personal things and he says nothing. He acts like he does not say very much at all at their lunches. I try not to ask much about his time with her at all because I don't want to start an arguement. I have not found any evidence of anything else. Ihave his password to his work computer that he brings home and his password to his blackberry. (however, he is a computer nerd for GE so he could fool me and would not know.) She apparently is trying to get pregnant and my husband knows her husband so why would she talk to my husband about such personally issues and why would he want her to?????? It feels like she is trying to connect with my husband on a emotional level that is inappropriate for work. I feel like her distance toward me is maybe her guilt about her feelings toward him. I am not sure about my husbands role. I am sorry to say that it does bother me and I don't know why. I have never been a jealous person so this is all new to me. ( BTW I am older but I would say more attractive and thinner and we do have sex regularlyand not the boring hum drum kind) Am I being jealous and paranoid or is something going?
TaraMaiden Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 This is very difficult isn't it, getting into another person's head? the problem is here, who do you not trust? her? Your spouse? Both? I know many people who are more comfortable with members of the opposite sex, because they simply feel better with them, than with their own gender. less competition, if you like. It's attention. I think she feels constrained to be with you and feels more relaxed just talking to his sympathetic ear. She is going through a trying time. She wants to get pregnant. For many women, this might mean being with a husband they are not eye to eye with on all matters, but still want a child from. maybe you need to back away a bit, and have some feeling for her. Be sympathetic towards her needs. Try to not feel so insecure, but tell your husband that you need his assurance that if she becomes more close to him, or seems to be wanting more support from him, to let you know. That he has a friend, maybe you can try to live with this. That he be dishonest with you and lie to you about how he feels, you cannot live with..... I don't know. I come back to the original question I asked. Who do you not trust?
Kaii Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Sorry, but as a former "Other Woman", my perspective is different. I think that ANYTIME you confide personal marital issues to a person of the same sex as your spouse, that something is not right. Call it what you want, but I think your husband is having an emotional affair. Emotional affairs generally starts out as a friendship and are the gateway to a fullblown physical affair. Emotional affairs hurts the intimacy of the marriage partnership, through one spouse investing considerable time and emotional energy into someone else. A female coworker should not be sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with a married man, it just sounds wrong, you know? She should be talking to HER husband about her pregnancy issues, etc, instead of your husband. It seems the level of intimacy between your husband and this woman has gone beyond general workplace chit chat. Plus the fact that she was not very welcoming or talkative with you when you met up....if she just saw your husband as a coworker, you'd think she'd be friendlier. Sharing your thoughts, feelings and problems with someone other than your spouse is never a good sign. Sorry, just my 2 cents.
cybersister Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I do not honestly think there is an affair going on, but agree that they do seem to share intimate details, that are inappropriate. I suspect she is not friendly towards you because of something your husband has shared with her about you- after all with the level of details she is sharing with your husband, it cannot be all one way - confidences just do not work that way.
RecordProducer Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 If you have the feeling that your husband doesn't fancy her in a romantic way, then drop the issue. She is trying to have a baby with her husband, so I don't think she is trying to seduce your husband. Apparently, she has a problem connecting with women - hence ignoring the women at the office as potential friends. It seems like she doesn't trust or feel comfortable around women. Nothing unusual, although it's rare. Talking about infertility and problems with family/friends is not too intimate. I think you're suspecting that something is going on. While I can't guarantee you that nothing is going on or that your husband has no feelings for her, what you described doesn't necessarily indicate any intimate involvement. I wouldn't worry aboiut it anymore if I were you, unless you come across new information.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 There are boundaries that both spouses need to adhere to, within a marriage. If he has exceeded your boundaries of respectful behaviour, he needs to be held accountable for the issue(s). Ask him why it's so important that he maintain a friendship with this woman, that he'd be willing to risk your trust and respect, as his wife. Of course he'll turn this around on you and say, "why don't you trust me?". Your response should be, "because your actions are giving me no reason to trust you. Shut it down". His actions from that point onwards, will define if he's worth staying with or not.
sotired Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Oh heck no. I would not be okay with that at all. They are way too comfortable with each other and her acting distant around you is a big red flag. I don't think your husband is being shady. I just think you need to set up some boundaries that you are both comfortable with. The fact he takes you around her shows that he feels it's innocent, but if you aren't comfortable (and obviously you aren't or you wouldn't be posting here) you need to nip this in the bud.
donnamaybe Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 her acting distant around you is a big red flag. This is what would be the biggest reason for me to feel uncomfortable with the whole thing.
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 She apparently is trying to get pregnant and my husband knows her husband so why would she talk to my husband about such personally issues and why would he want her to?????? It feels like she is trying to connect with my husband on a emotional level that is inappropriate for work. I feel like her distance toward me is maybe her guilt about her feelings toward him. I am not sure about my husbands role. I am sorry to say that it does bother me and I don't know why. I have never been a jealous person so this is all new to me. ( BTW I am older but I would say more attractive and thinner and we do have sex regularlyand not the boring hum drum kind) Am I being jealous and paranoid or is something going? Danger! Danger! Danger! I'm telling you from a guys 1st hand experience... this leads to bad things. Your husband is Clearly downplaying everything that happens... that means something is up! How is your relationship with him? How is your marriage? Sex life...ect?
Snowflower Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Kygurl, If you feel uncomfortable with the situation between your husband and his co-worker, then you need to tell him this in no uncertain terms. His first priority should be YOU and YOUR marriage...not this female friend. The fact that you are on here posting about this situation tells me that you are concerned. Every marriage has boundaries-they can be different depending on the marriage and the spouses but if you are feeling that something isn't quite right with this then your husband needs to know. Somehow, boundaries have been crossed or are getting close to it as far as you're concerned. And it is perfectly okay for you to be concerned. If you hang around on these forums long enough, you will hear about EA's (emotional affairs). The problem with EA's is that they tend to be a slippery slope from platonic friendship to a strong romantic attraction. They thing is, many people believe that EA's are harmless because there is no tangible line that is crossed (kissing, intercourse, etc). But I think EA's are most damaging to a marriage because they are so insidious. I hate to generalize, but it seems like men don't always recognize or downplay the signs of their involvement in an EA simply because nothing physical has happened. So, please talk to your husband. I won't project my opinion and say that there is some type of EA happening here because I don't know your husband. I would suggest reading up on what an EA is and then go from there. You know your husband and this situation the best.
imagine Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Phone her husband and pass on the detail your husband has heard. How does he react?
emotionbankrupt Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Oh heck no!!!! This WAS my situation BEFORE the affair. He used to talk about her, her problems, go to lunches etc.. with this woman. I never suspected a thing until she starts calling and they text back and forth on off days. Then came the later working nights AND then the dirty text messages. It may be "different" for you, but In hindsight I wish I would have had a clue and been able to change the outcome by coming here and getting advice. You DO NOT want her clinging to your husband... mine ended up admitting he was trying to "save her". I am still dealing with the ramifications, they still work together. Do what you can to put an end to this before it is too late. My husbands co-worker told him that her husband had not had sex with her in many years.. ignored her etc. They want the attention the are not getting at home, I think and will LIE to get what they want from your H. Maybe I am just paranoid, I would just hate for this to happen to anyone else if it can be prevented. Good luck.
2sure Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 You are uncomfortable with the nature of this friendship. You are not usually given to jealousy or paranoia, yet your gut has raised a flag. THIS is a problem - do not take it lightly. You do not have to accuse him of anything, or even suspect more...the fact that as it is you are uncomfortable is enough for it to stop. At once. And period. Sure, people have friends at work. With them all day, they may even make friends at work they normally wouldn't outside of work. And a lot of times these work friendships just dont translate into outside social functions with spouses and families. But these two are close given the topics and intimacy of their conversations - even if one sided. No excuses about it being difficult to lunch without her. You are uncomfortable. It STOPS.
snoopy girl Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 kygurl, been there done that! tell him to stop the lunches and the personal talks with his co-worker, its not good for your marriage, looks what its doing to you and if he loves you, he will stop or he will hide things from you, like my husband did, i let it go on to long, he would tell me all kinds of things about her and feel sorry for her too. talked all the time about her then when i didn't like it, he would not talk about her at all and made out like he didn't even like her much, now about one year now that he does not work with her anymore they still talk to eachother and i hides it from me. just don't let this happen to you, stop it now before it turns into something bad, like mine did and yes maybe call her husband and let him know that she is talking personal issues with your husband and that you are concerned for her that is why you are calling him. maybe she will stop the crap with your husband. let her husband know everything that she is telling your husband stuff. maybe she will get the message. good luck
jazzgirl08 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Trust your gut instinct. You are right on telling him how you feel about this OW. And trust me, I know about the awkwardness between the OW, I'm going through that right now. I know the OW and she's a nice girl, but going through marital problems. She does not live with her husband anymore. She is lonely and wants attention. If your husband isn't all there way there emotionally, that is a red flag. My BF isn't emotionally there all the time. Our conversations aren't what it used to be, but it is something we are working on. If they are talking over the phone a lot, look at your phone records and show them to him. And getting a hold of the husband may be something you need to do if this doesn't stop.
angie2443 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Sorry you are going through this. There are red flags throughout your post. The OW is distant with you yet tells your husband all sorts of persontal stuff. They have lunch together frequently. Your husband ask "would you be bothered if this were a male friend". These are all red flags. I have been in your shoes. Trust your instincts. Understand that if this friendship persist, it will slowly destroy your marriage. Let your husband know this. Don't get too hung up on the sex part. This was what confused me when I was in your shoes. There doesn't need to be sex for this friendship to harm your marriage. Read up un EA's and you'll understand this better.
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