superunknown Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Hi everyone. I'm new to this site, but no doubt my situation isn't so new. My name is chris, im 22, and I've just recently split with my girlfriend Lynda, 21. We had been going out with each other for over 2 years, from feb 2007, when I just turned 20, and from then on, we spent every minute together. In september 2007, I had to move to France until April of last year for a university placement. This was intensly hard for both of us, and I made several trips home to see her. Lynda even quit her job to spend over a month with me. When I got back, I was elated to have her all to myself again. But as the months went on, I noticed a change in Lynda. She had been borderline depressed; worrying about her career prospects, driving lessons, home trouble, and always falling ill which would encroach on any job she had. I found this hard to bear constantly, as I was her main safety net, but because I loved her, I stayed with her, encouraging her to stay positive, and that she would alway have me. It was peaks and troughs for her, some days were good, some days terrible: I was on a night out with a friend, and I was called to go to a bar across town to see her, as she had gotten too drunk with her friends and was a state. She screamed and swore at everyone, including me. Very shorly after, she came sobbing and apologising for the way she was acting. I was upset for her, but was very close to throwing in the towel then. I didnt because I loved her. Although I cant lie, I was beginning to feel increasingly alienated... Recently, she has been getting herself back on her own 2 feet; she has a new job she loves, passed her driving test, back to full health, and things at home are really strong. I was so happy to see the girl I was falling in love with coming back to me. But a few days prior to the breakup, she was a bit strange. No text messages, phone calls. I eventually asked her what was wrong, and then she asked if things has changed between us. I conceded and said that they had changed, and through the course of events, we split up. It took a moment of clarity for me to realise that things HAD changed, but they werent irrepairable. We met up on thursday last week. She was looking more beautiful than ever, I had my best suit on. I said to her that the split has taught me how much she means to me, but she claimed that she still loved me, but as her best friend. This was a crushing blow... I asked if there was someone else, but she was adamant that there wasn't. We have aways been honest with eachother, she would tell me if there was... I have been a mess ever since. There is not one minute that doesnt go past where i dont think about her. The worst thing is that I dont feel that this break up should have happened. I know it takes 2 to tango, but I feel that we have such a chance to make this work... I've fallen into the various break up traps: emails, texts, checking to see if shes online, texting her friends(this was only the once). I've stopped all of these since saturday. She claims that she still wants me in her life, because I mean so much to her. I said that I need to decide when I'm ready to just be friends, and that it'll be my decision before we talk again, so I can get my head straight, as I have final year examinations for university to contend with soon....so essentially, she wont text me But its so hard...I want her back so badly it hurts. We are going to see U2 in July together, so thats perhaps the latest we will go without contacting. I love Lynda so much. Ive been trying to take my mind off of her by going out with friends, and playing guitar in my band. I know she still loves me, I just want her to love me like a lover again. I've even considered marriage, but I know thats taking it too far, and an irrational option, given we are both still young. Nevertheless, she means the absolute world to me, the only girl I can imagine myself with.... What should I do...I want to contact her like right now, but I'm afraid it will open the wound again...and I want to respect her space...The silence is killing me, and I want to text her to see how she is...
Blah Toolz Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 The general consensus you're going to get is that you should go into no-contact. That means no checking her Facebook, answering her calls, texts, nada. What this does is not introduce a magical way to get her back; but it is the quickest way for you to heal. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in limbo, second guessing your every move, and wondering whether or not she wants to be with you, or whether she'll do something with another guy even if she says she's not. So work on yourself. Go to the gym more, do more of the activities you couldn't do when you were with her. Get outside. You need to do the no contact for a while though, otherwise you'll go right back to square one.
EasyHeart Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Look at it this way: When you see your friends, do you get a knot in your stomach? When you see your friends, do you want to kiss them? Do you constantly wonder what your friends are up to? Do you call/text/email your friends because you need a response from them or you feel miserable? Once you get to the point emotionally where you can think of her as a 'friend', then maybe you can be friends. Otherwise, stay away. (Oh, and if you answered 'yes' to all those questions, then you need to seek professional help immediately!!
Sonic_chaos Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 totally agree with above mate. Im going through the same at the moment. But my situ is slightly diff as it was me that made it break down with other things taking priorty over her and it was her that called it a day. she left me 6 weeks in "limbo" saying it was a quick break, but the day came i dreaded... After the official break date, i went No Contact. But she broke a week later. That for me was good and bad, As i do want her back so much just like you do with your girlfriend. But this was a bad thing as now she has been in contact with me, its opened old wounds up and the knot in my stomach is back, *altho not as bad* Its still hard. I found reading a new past time and i get so engrossed in the book, forget the knots in my stomach etc.. I also do alot of photography, but i havent touched it due to i associate that with her, as i took alot of the pics she has on her facebook as i learned portrait shots etc.. Even tho you want her back... You have to let go and heal mate. After reading alot of ebooks etc. they basically all say the same. Write her phone number,address,email address down on a piece of paper and keep it safe. But from view. Then go and delete all the above from msn,your phone the lot. I went as far to take her pictures down i took of her and the teddy bears she gave me, put them in a box and from view as thats constant reminders of the times you had with her. Then just concentrate on getting on with life. the No contact does work if she loves you the way you love her. As she feels "lost" without you. The just friends is a way to use you for her to heal and for you to be there while she gets over you. All that does is she will let go and heal, and you wont. Still thinking there is a chance. Its like cold turkey with smoking. 90% of smokers wouldnt dream of doing it, but some would.. Some break and other keep to it *All dependant on how stubborn* Believe me, I tried the begging,talking chatting, asking for another chance etc. And all that does is makes you look unattractive and pushes her away from you further. Look at it from another point of view.. Its not a nice way to get back with her is it.. Begging etc.. I also kept lookin at her facebook etc. That for me doesnt happen now, altho i see her status every few times a week, i dont look at her page. Thats a NONO. Even tho she is still on my list. Im using it as a tool to show her im still enjoying things without her as much as possible. No showing her your depressed etc. I hope some of the things ive mentioned can bring you some happiness in weeks and months to come if to try reconcil or to move on if nothing else.
CaliGuy Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 My rule of thumb when it comes to friends with exs? NO. NEVER. EVER! Period. Not for me....
vessv6l Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Hey mate Strange situation and has some similarities to mine. From what you have said seems that you were her rock while she needed it. Once she recovered she decided to move on? She says she needs you as a friend and she probably believes this because you helped her through such a tough time. It could also be that keeping you as a friend helps aleviate the guilt she is feeling at hurting you. What she has recently gone threw has changed who she is and perhaps what she thinks she wants in a relationship. I dont think there will be a short term resolution unfortuantely, and as much as you would like to contact her and get her to see what she is missing out on she wont be able to see it unless she realises it for herself. Best thing to do is NC, and recover for yourself. To give you hope i have a mate who was in a relationship with a girl for several years. They had their problems and had several short term splits before. One day she left him and the reasons arnt quite clear to me. He didnt abuse her or what ever but was heartbroken but just refused to contact her again. 8 months on they got in contact again and got back together. This was several years ago and they got married last november and have a child due in 11 weeks. Moral of the story is BEST thing to do is discontinue contact and move on, it will either facilitate a chance for things between you in future OR you will recover and find another girl who would love the qualities you have described above in a guy. Chin up mate, stay strong
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