MN randomguy Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Its a downside. All other things equal I would rather her not have another dude's kid. I will even say that its a big strike against you. However, Its not a total deal breaker. I would like my own kids and am not crazy about using my limited resources to raise some other guys kid. If she's really great and otherwise out-of-my-league I'd give it a chance. Many single mothers spend the formative years of their kid's life serially bringing poor father figures into their lives, I think OP has a good head on her shoulders in that no dad is better than a bad dad or a string of bad dads. You're still a young thing. Put some effort into being desirable and don't introduce your child to a guy until you're really serious with him.
MN randomguy Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 A man who would turn down a woman because she has an infant isn't really worth your time. I disagree with Bob on this one. I have been repeatedly attacked about my preferences and wouldn't attack someone else about theirs. A guy who won't date a woman with a kid may be valuable as a person, just not compatible with you.
somedude81 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 And the reason being....??? Because I would not want to get close to her children or lead her to believe that a future is possible.
BobSacamento Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I disagree with Bob on this one. I have been repeatedly attacked about my preferences and wouldn't attack someone else about theirs. A guy who won't date a woman with a kid may be valuable as a person, just not compatible with you. Maybe I'm just going off assumptions. Just like most of the guys are doing in here. Like the idea that child support doesn't exist lol. Anyway, I guess I assume men do not want to date women with an infant because: 1. They want to be the center of attention 2. They are lazy That's why for the woman it's really not even worth her time.
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Because I would not want to get close to her children or lead her to believe that a future is possible. And a future isn't possible because she has kids? So it's kind of like you make up your mind from the first meeting that it won't go anywhere, so you put a time frame on how long you date her? Interesting. Are you up front about it from the beginning?
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 I disagree with Bob on this one. I have been repeatedly attacked about my preferences and wouldn't attack someone else about theirs. A guy who won't date a woman with a kid may be valuable as a person, just not compatible with you. As a single mother myself, I would not put someone down who does not want to date a single mother. Like I said before if you don't want a woman with kids, then I don't want you either. Its not a defensive thing and its not an eye for an eye thing, its just I want someone I'm compatible with ya know? But I am also open to the possiblity for something like D-Lish's friend who "never" thought hed date a woman with kids and went it came right down to it, it didn't really matter. If you're right for someone, you're just right for them regardles of their previous attachements.
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Are you up front about it from the beginning? I doubt it. This is the same guy that is 27, never had a girlfriend, and tells prospects that he's only 23. Thank God we wouldn't make it past a few months somedude .
boldjack Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Ld, As you know from my posts, I'm married to a Lady . who had a child when we started dating. It worked out well for us. She(the child) is now an adult and considers me her father. Her biological dad was a deadbeat dad and ignored her for the most part. I also dated a woman with a small child, some years back and it didn't turn out so well. When you have a relationship with a woman, who has a child, you have a relationship with BOTH. If the relationship turns bad then you have to end your feelings for the child as well as the woman, making it doubly hard. If I were you I would make sure that any dating you do, would not involve the child until You're sure that it will be long-term.
Sam Spade Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 There is another dynamic at play, which is the notion that one man is raising another man's offspring. One man was selected for procreation, another man is selected for providence. It's probably an uncomfortable topic that will spark some debate. I know most situations run deeper than simple evolutionary concerns, but you can't discount this part of it. Yep, it is not the child per se - i like and get along with all kinds of kids - but this is the thought that'd kinda bother me. I could get over it potentially/eventually (e.g. if I'm older and still have no kids of my own), but at this point in life i see no reason why I'd want to.
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Maybe I'm just going off assumptions. Just like most of the guys are doing in here. Like the idea that child support doesn't exist lol. Anyway, I guess I assume men do not want to date women with an infant because: 1. They want to be the center of attention 2. They are lazy That's why for the woman it's really not even worth her time. It's SOOOO not that simple! I'm dating a lady with a kid right now. It's hardcore different. Listen, if the father is still in the picture that can be HUGE issues. Plus, when your essentially a step father... it's hard to figure out how to treat the kid. There are just a thousand issues to deal with. Bottom line is that if you really love each other those issues can be dealt with, but don't pretend like they don't exist. Guys who avoid women with kids are usually young, wealthy or mega attractive.
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 There is another dynamic at play, which is the notion that one man is raising another man's offspring. One man was selected for procreation, another man is selected for providence. It's probably an uncomfortable topic that will spark some debate. I know most situations run deeper than simple evolutionary concerns, but you can't discount this part of it. Well technically I didn't "select" the first guy per se. It was an accident, I was on the pill and everything. So your argument doesn't necessarily hold up here. But if you still chose to see it your way, wouldn't some consolation come from the fact that technically YOU (the "providence" guy) were the only one I actually was making a choice about?
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Well technically I didn't "select" the first guy per se. It was an accident, I was on the pill and everything. So your argument doesn't necessarily hold up here. But if you still chose to see it your way, wouldn't some consolation come from the fact that technically YOU (the "providence" guy) were the only one I actually was making a choice about? I don't think he was talking about your specific situation, but more making a broad stroke generalization. Guys tend to develop at different speeds. Some of the guys in highschool that all the girls loved are complete losers now, and the guys that got no love then are fantastic. Unfortunately, I see a lot of those guys get into college and later years still really bitter about all the rejection from their youth. Those guys are WAY more likely to see the world like Sam Spade. He sees a woman who rejected him in the past and had kids with a loser, now changes her mind and wants him to raise the kid... and that makes him feel used. It's just how life is sometimes and he needs to get over it. As a guy who doesn't have kids yet... I would not go out with a woman with kids that doesn't want more... at least 2. I don't think that should be an issue for you, because you are young and only have 1.
Sam Spade Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Well technically I didn't "select" the first guy per se. It was an accident, I was on the pill and everything. (a different Sam Spade ) Well, there's also the major philosophical issue/decision of what to do with the pregnancy - if he is the wrong guy, and if the pregnancy is unplanned/happens in an inappropriate moment - why not terminate it (rather than have a child from the "wrong" guy anyway)? I'm not saying that there is a better decision one way or the other, certainly not, but I would consider all of this in determining whether a woman with a kid is dateable since this relates all the way back to fundamental compatibility in values. While many women (and men) would say that well if pregnancy happens you should deal wiht it no matter what, I always look at the bigger picture, and if terminating the pregnancy makes sense given the circumstances, I'd have no problem with it.
sally4sara Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 It's SOOOO not that simple! I'm dating a lady with a kid right now. It's hardcore different. Listen, if the father is still in the picture that can be HUGE issues. Plus, when your essentially a step father... it's hard to figure out how to treat the kid. There are just a thousand issues to deal with. Bottom line is that if you really love each other those issues can be dealt with, but don't pretend like they don't exist. Guys who avoid women with kids are usually young, wealthy or mega attractive. My fiance was about to be 24 when we started dating. He is very charming and nice looking, but you are correct about not being mega wealthy. His family is but he was making less than I when we first dated. My son's dad was still in the picture; he had been sober for 8 months and was finally being a fairly equal parent to me. I am a big advocate of not mixing your kid into your dating life until it is obviously serious and getting more so. For this reason, he didn't meet my son formally for the better part of the first year we dated. My son's dad started drinking again and playing games. By the time my fiance and I began thinking of living together it was clear I would have my son full time. I think what helped him figure out what kind of relationship was appropriate was the fact that he has a younger sibling he has always watched out for as well as he feels strongly that people should adopt children first if not primarily. He never planned on raising a blood child to begin with unless he adopted or at least fostered one first. We may still do so as I am not having anymore children biologically. I am also reminded of my ex brother in law. He knew by the time he was 4 that he wanted children. His earliest relationships all were with single mothers. He ended up marrying a woman with a daughter and had two more children. I don't really think bad of men who avoid a woman with a child from a previous relationship. It IS a big responsibility. If you screw it up, you didn't just screw up a situation you HAD to try at but were perhaps not ready for. You chose it so the screw up factor is twice as scary. I'm sure some guys who avoid it do so for stupid reasons like the caveman mentality of "not my DNA ooogah ooogah!" or the childish thought of not wanting to share the GF with a baby (tho what do they think happens when they have a child with her?). But I'm sure just as many guys shy away simply because they know their limits and fear failing by the woman and child. Whatever their reasons, these guys are right. Its not for them and the kid is better off without them.
OverThinker Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Just thought I would drop in and share a little hope. There are those of us men that are single fathers and share your issue. I have no problems dating a woman with a child and understand the speacial steps that must be taken because of it. My daughter does not live with me full time but every woman I date knows from the start that my daughter is the #1 girl in my life and she will be a part of our life someday (if it comes to that), but if that is an issue in the beginning it will be one at the end so they can go elsewhere. There are good guys out there who want families and wont treat your child any differant from there own, so be patient and one day, maybe mister right will trip over your child at the park while chasing his own( been there done that;)) Good luck to you
Sephirothh Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 No why go out with someone who has a child with someone else, then someone who doesn't.
samspade Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Well technically I didn't "select" the first guy per se. It was an accident, I was on the pill and everything. So your argument doesn't necessarily hold up here. But if you still chose to see it your way, wouldn't some consolation come from the fact that technically YOU (the "providence" guy) were the only one I actually was making a choice about? I see what you are saying. But - and bear with me - it doesn't necessarily matter that you were planning a pregnancy or not. We've partially masked that part of evolution, with birth control, for better and for worse. (Better, overall, in my opinion.) But that doesn't mean the actions behind sex - the ones originating in our reptilian minds - aren't still in accordance with our embedded survival codes, which we hope to pass on to our children. Women might mate with one type of man and settle with another. In our modern, responsible minds, that "mating" is just sex, with birth control. But deep down, there is probably something more raw at play. One example of how this might manifest itself is a woman feeling animal desire for a man and wanting to f*ck his brains out - only to find out later that he's more the mating type than the committing type. So she seeks out the "provider" male for long term stability and help raising the ankle-biters. Again, I'm not suggesting these hypothetical examples apply, and there are plenty of variables at play. And I'm not going to cast the men who raise another guy's child as victims - they know what they're doing and have a choice. And yes, you weren't "selecting" that man as the father of your child, but you were selecting him as your sexual partner, and there are a lot of subconscious impulses behind sex that we don't always think about. I hope all of that makes sense. Food for thought.
MN randomguy Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Good way of explaining it Samspade. I will admit no matter how non-pc it is that there is a certain caveman aspect of it. If I could get over it I'd probably really be able to upgrade the women I could date. O.P., You've gotta understand the social contract involved with sex. When you have sex with someone, you're open to the possibility, however remote, to getting pregnant. That's how sex works, its designed to result in pregnancy. In the last 2 or 3 generations things have changed. Also, another poster a single father mentioned, they're out there. Why don't single parents gravitate towards each other?
lino Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I wouldn't have a serious relationship with a woman that already has kids. Perhaps when I'm older, if I'm still single and without kids my mentality could change.
ratzskinakie Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Unless she is hot I wouldn't date her and even so, marriege is out of the question unless her name rhymes with ,"Megan Fox", but I don't think she has any children, but even if she did, Megan Fox would be the exception.
BoredPerson Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Ok, on a previous thread of mine, boxing123 in his typical derrogatory fashion suggested that I take a "poll" on my current situation. He claimed I will eventually just have to "settle" since my situation is so limiting. I had no desire to ask for opinions at the time but now I must say that curiousity has won the best of me. So here's a little background: I am a 24 year old mom with a 10 month old daughter and her father left me when I was only two months pregnant--in other words, he's long gone out of the picture. I have been extremely busy with my daughter but indeed have found time to date a few guys here and there. Nothing has gotten serious and that is quite fine with me. I want to stress that I am not nor have I been actively "looking." I do not need a daddy "substitute" either. If I do indeed find a partner I want him to be just that: a friend and a lover. My daughter already has a father. I'd like to think I have a pretty healthy perspective on the whole thing. I'm not gonna just go dating some loser, especially when it can affect my daughter. I have a set of standards that I will not falter from. So Loveshack, are you with me on this one? Or do you think that I need to start shuffling through the scrapbucket because of my situation? PS, I will never sift through the scrapbucket regardless of opinions on here, I'm just curious is all... I'm sorry if this is hard but I think honestly will help you. I am a 25 year old up and coming professional at the start of his career. I am a tall, average looking and well built man and I would date you. BUT and this is a very BIG but - having a child is very negative. You would need to make up for that in a number of ways by : Being an exceptional person and men will date you regardless - failing that. 1) Be hot. 2) Give lots of head. 3) Clean, cook food and show me how easy and how little of a burden on my life you are going to make this child. 4) Give lots of head. The child effectively means that you are used goods. That means that a lot of men like myself are going to be thinking ' what good is she, she's already had a kid, why would I want to have responsibility for a kid that isn't mine'. We know we're only dating but we'll all rightly assume that eventually your problems, will become 'our' problems if things progress. Finally act like a 24 year old chick that has a kid. Not a 24 year old mother.
BoredPerson Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 If the father is still in the picture just forget it. Be real nice to him until he takes you back.
somedude81 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 And a future isn't possible because she has kids? So it's kind of like you make up your mind from the first meeting that it won't go anywhere, so you put a time frame on how long you date her? Interesting. Are you up front about it from the beginning? I doubt it. This is the same guy that is 27, never had a girlfriend, and tells prospects that he's only 23. Thank God we wouldn't make it past a few months somedude . As I am now I most likely wouldn't even date a girl that has kids. It's way more trouble than it's worth. If I found out a woman had children I'd keep my distance. Well, a few years ago I was friends and coworkers with a girl who had kids. She was 22 with two little girls, I was 22 or 23. We hung out several times went clubbing etc. Did I want to have sex with her? Yes. Did I want to date her? No. I never tried to have sex with her or kiss her and we never talked about. In the end I felt it was best to just stop hanging out and calling her. The fact that she quit her job made it easier to go our separate ways. Back then and even now I know I'm too immature to deal with kids. I don't even know if I'll ever want to have kids. Spending time with somebody else's kids is out of the question.
clv0116 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 An infant is a different picture than an older child, much more acceptable IMO. I'd consider it depending on the womans attitude WRT the child and parenting in general.
angie2443 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I'm sorry if this is hard but I think honestly will help you. I am a 25 year old up and coming professional at the start of his career. I am a tall, average looking and well built man and I would date you. BUT and this is a very BIG but - having a child is very negative. You would need to make up for that in a number of ways by : Being an exceptional person and men will date you regardless - failing that. 1) Be hot. 2) Give lots of head. 3) Clean, cook food and show me how easy and how little of a burden on my life you are going to make this child. 4) Give lots of head. The child effectively means that you are used goods. That means that a lot of men like myself are going to be thinking ' what good is she, she's already had a kid, why would I want to have responsibility for a kid that isn't mine'. We know we're only dating but we'll all rightly assume that eventually your problems, will become 'our' problems if things progress. Finally act like a 24 year old chick that has a kid. Not a 24 year old mother. LovieDove24, do not hook up with a man that has this kind of an attitude. I have had friends that have been in your situation. The one's that have done well in the dating world and the marriage world are the ones that viewed their children as beautiful little human biengs and would not touch a man (or women as some of of the single parents were men) who viewed the kids as baggage or a negative thing. A decent, grown man will want you to act like a 24 year old mother. He would be disgusted with you if you acted just like a chick that has a kid. A man who views your child as something he has to deal with, like the child is some plague, will treat your child like crap. Avoid this kind of man.
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