LovieDove24 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Ok, on a previous thread of mine, boxing123 in his typical derrogatory fashion suggested that I take a "poll" on my current situation. He claimed I will eventually just have to "settle" since my situation is so limiting. I had no desire to ask for opinions at the time but now I must say that curiousity has won the best of me. So here's a little background: I am a 24 year old mom with a 10 month old daughter and her father left me when I was only two months pregnant--in other words, he's long gone out of the picture. I have been extremely busy with my daughter but indeed have found time to date a few guys here and there. Nothing has gotten serious and that is quite fine with me. I want to stress that I am not nor have I been actively "looking." I do not need a daddy "substitute" either. If I do indeed find a partner I want him to be just that: a friend and a lover. My daughter already has a father. I'd like to think I have a pretty healthy perspective on the whole thing. I'm not gonna just go dating some loser, especially when it can affect my daughter. I have a set of standards that I will not falter from. So Loveshack, are you with me on this one? Or do you think that I need to start shuffling through the scrapbucket because of my situation? PS, I will never sift through the scrapbucket regardless of opinions on here, I'm just curious is all...
serial muse Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Ok, on a previous thread of mine, boxing123 in his typical derrogatory fashion suggested that I take a "poll" on my current situation. He claimed I will eventually just have to "settle" since my situation is so limiting. I had no desire to ask for opinions at the time but now I must say that curiousity has won the best of me. So here's a little background: I am a 24 year old mom with a 10 month old daughter and her father left me when I was only two months pregnant--in other words, he's long gone out of the picture. I have been extremely busy with my daughter but indeed have found time to date a few guys here and there. Nothing has gotten serious and that is quite fine with me. I want to stress that I am not nor have I been actively "looking." I do not need a daddy "substitute" either. If I do indeed find a partner I want him to be just that: a friend and a lover. My daughter already has a father. I'd like to think I have a pretty healthy perspective on the whole thing. I'm not gonna just go dating some loser, especially when it can affect my daughter. I have a set of standards that I will not falter from. So Loveshack, are you with me on this one? Or do you think that I need to start shuffling through the scrapbucket because of my situation? PS, I will never sift through the scrapbucket regardless of opinions on here, I'm just curious is all... I totally understand your impulse to just throw this question out to the LS community, but I just want to say something - which is something of which I have to constantly remind myself, as well. As much as LS sometimes feels like a cross-section of humanity, it isn't actually. It's an overall skewed perspective - there are plenty of thoughtful people here, but there is also more than a random sampling of angry, hurt and bitter people (most of them only temporarily so); they sought out these boards precisely because they are in that mental condition. So, whatever you're about to hear, please take it with a big heaping bucket of salt. You're 24 - that's young and energetic and with so many options before you. People like boxing are not the norm in society. I'm not a man, so not really participating in the poll, but I have every confidence that you can find someone without scraping the bottom of any barrels. To me, even the thought of that is just silliness.
dreamergrl Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 No one should have to settle no matter the situation. There's no reason for it, everyone deserves to have a SO that is more then just someone that is settling. The right man will come along and fit into your life.
Lizzie60 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I completely agree with Serial.. Take everything with a grain of salt... Some people have mental issues here.. so.. their advices could be skewed. If I were you.. I would continue doing what you're doing right now.. I cannot speak for men as I am not one.. but I very much doubt that ALL men will run for the hills if they know you're a single mom.. of course some will.. but trust me.. you want to stay verrry far from them.. You are still young.. and for the first 2 years it is primordial that you be very 'present' for your daughter. Just go with the flow.. if it happens.. it happens.. just enjoy your daughter for now... concentrate on being a great mother.. you'll get waayyy more rewards..
samspade Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 These are loaded questions you are asking. You never have to settle for anything less than what you deserve, if you are willing to uphold your own set of standards. Having a child may cut down your potential dating pool, since some men will prefer to date a woman with no kids (myself included). That, however, does not mean YOU have to lower your standards and "settle." It may mean you have to look a little harder. Don't buy into this myth. People who claim that settling is inevitable are the ones who are resigned to it; let them wallow in their self-pity.
JohnnyBlaze Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 If I liked the mother, the fact that she has an infant wouldn't stop me from dating her. I'm sure that the dates would have to be adjusted somewhat to account for babysitters, but that's nothing. The only condition I'd have (later on) is that, if things got serious, that I be allowed to play a role in the child's life and not just be "mommy's boyfriend" for the rest of my life. However, you're young. Many guys your age aren't looking for a family, so depending on what age of guys you like to date, that could be an issue. I'm in my early 30's, and although it may not be that many years difference, I have seen the effect it has on my friends (I've always wanted a family, so I'm kind of the skew on this curve).
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 I agree with all of you, honestly. I will not settle and that was my main reason for not posting this sooner. My standards are very much intact for both my daughter and my well being. So it really is a non issue but to be honest, I think the only reason I posted was because I am feeling a bit fiesty on the issue: havent been able to forget what boxing said and kinda wanted to pounce. Sorry ya'll.
fral945 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 All things being equal, I’d pick a woman without a child over one with one. Most men realize that a woman with a child usually means they will come second most of the time, which will scare some away. But I’m not against dating someone with a child, provided they are mature, responsible, and can make some time for me. My older brother and my father both married women with children from previous relationships, so is it not like it is the end of the world. It just makes things more challenging. I doubt you have to scrap the bottom of the bucket you may need to re-adjust your standards and/or expectations somewhat depending on your situation.
dreamergrl Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 All things being equal, I’d pick a woman without a child over one with one. Most men realize that a woman with a child usually means they will come second most of the time, which will scare some away. But I’m not against dating someone with a child, provided they are mature, responsible, and can make some time for me. My older brother and my father both married women with children from previous relationships, so is it not like it is the end of the world. It just makes things more challenging. I doubt you have to scrap the bottom of the bucket you may need to re-adjust your standards and/or expectations somewhat depending on your situation. I disagree with the bolded. IF she wants something in a man, she deserves to have it. No one should have to change what they want.
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 All things being equal, I’d pick a woman without a child over one with one. Most men realize that a woman with a child usually means they will come second most of the time, which will scare some away. But I’m not against dating someone with a child, provided they are mature, responsible, and can make some time for me. My older brother and my father both married women with children from previous relationships, so is it not like it is the end of the world. It just makes things more challenging. I doubt you have to scrap the bottom of the bucket you may need to re-adjust your standards and/or expectations somewhat depending on your situation. Yeah dealbreaker for some, not for others. Obviously it kinda is for you. As far as my daughter comes first, you're right in that respect. I intend to raise a healthy human, period. She doesn't need a mommy who leaves in the middle of the night to go to her "flavor of the month's" bedside. And she doesn't need a mommy who puts a man on a priority level when he doesn't do the same for her--asking her to cater to his every whim, without the respect of a ring on her finger. With that being said, those are both extreme cases. It is in fact possible to date healthily and give enough time for romance if the relationship is a good one. And that is certainly what I expect to do.
rlindzie Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 i am not a man so i cant say, but i do come from a single parent home, sience the day i was conceved my mom was a single parent so i kno from that point of view. in no way do you need to settle, my mm never did and she dated a lot there are so many wonderful men out there who really dont care and even like children [not in the pedofile way of course] but like you said the only real challange now is your daughters safety. but as far as settling dont even worry just keep your head up high and dont listen to the nay sayers bc they have no idea what it takes to be a single parent. there are a lot of misconseptions out there about single parents and ppl just dont kno how it really is untill they have been there. best of luck and congrats on your new baby!!!
samspade Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 The way I see it, if it's a dealbreaker for the guy, he is not meeting your standards and not the right guy for you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Yeah dealbreaker for some, not for others. Obviously it kinda is for you. As far as my daughter comes first, you're right in that respect. I intend to raise a healthy human, period. She doesn't need a mommy who leaves in the middle of the night to go to her "flavor of the month's" bedside. And she doesn't need a mommy who puts a man on a priority level when he doesn't do the same for her--asking her to cater to his every whim, without the respect of a ring on her finger. With that being said, those are both extreme cases. It is in fact possible to date healthily and give enough time for romance if the relationship is a good one. And that is certainly what I expect to do. Exactly! In the U.S. having a baby really doesn't diminish your dating pool that much, maybe like 10%, and that goes down dramatically as guys age. There is one lady at work that claims white guys wont date her because her kid is bi-racial. However, I think it's because she is morbidly obese. So, unless your standards are just absolutely insane and unreasonable, (Brad Pitt is currently unavailable) then Boxing was full of crap.
Sam Spade Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 You're pretty young, so it shouldn't matter that much. (I personally have gone out with single moms). But, to say that it won't be limiting in some aspects would be untrue. Ideally, I'd prefer a woman with no kids, but that's not necessarily a dealbreaker if she has it all together. Also, it depends on what kind of circumstances exactly made a woman a single parent (i.e. being unlucky with the relationship vs. irresponsible, etc.)
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 There is one lady at work that claims white guys wont date her because her kid is bi-racial. However, I think it's because she is morbidly obese. I know its wrong but this made me giggle
Chicago_Guy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I'm not sure what the OP wants to hear here. The answer is that being a single mother is a dealbreaker for a lot of guys, but there's also a lot of guys who don't care.
bayouboi Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 It's interesting to note the responses of the men versus the responses of the women. Men get to have standards too. I like the post that said all other things being equal I would choose the woman without the child than the woman with one.
Tony T Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 A man who gets to know and falls in love with a woman will want her despite the fact that she has a child. Matter of fact, many men who love children but who would rather skip their early years would truly go for a woman whose child had passed the wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night years. It does take a very special man, however, so the man who goes for such a woman will be very unselfish and incredibly understanding, knowing that for a period of time the woman will give far greater priority to her child than to him. He will have to have confidence and strength of character. So a woman with a child who does find a man who loves her and wants to be with her after seeing the entire picture and after being exposed to the total situation for a period of time has to be a man above men and most likely a better partner than most other more selfish, self centered males. It can be done and it is done all the time. However, finding a worthy guy is not all that easy for nice, single ladies...but you will do it. The majority of homo sapiens are out for themselves, male or female. Godspeed!
BCCA Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 A woman having an infant, in and of itself, is not a deal breaker for me. I will say, however, that if I had to chose between two women, all things equal except one has a child, and the other does not, I would take the one without the child. To be blunt, its just easier. Its hard when you begin to date someone, and there are constant roadblocks in spending time together because of the child. I actually have a circumstance now, and the woman in question has her son every other weekend, which means that 2/4 weekends she is unavailable. I wont write her off, but Im certainly keeping my options open. You cant really blame someone for having reservations about kids. It does cut into your time, and there may or may not be drama with the ex involved. If you really dig someone, though, it usually doesnt matter.
paddington bear Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I'm not sure what the OP wants to hear here. The answer is that being a single mother is a dealbreaker for a lot of guys, but there's also a lot of guys who don't care. I disagree, two of my male friends have fallen for women who have very young children by other men - ok, so it's not ideal, but the heart wants what the heart wants and if the heart wants the woman, the heart will take on board the child as well. A stunning, lovely, friend of mine has recently had the cutest baby by a guy who said basically, I didn't want the child, yeah I know it's mine, but we're splitting up oh and by the way I've no money, so don't expect any from me. I fully expect her to meet someone other than the father of the child because she's such a lovely woman, and has a darling little boy, who no one could resist - no one could resist either of them. Yes, it takes a lot of thought for either sex to take on board someone with a child, particularly if you haven't a child yourself - I myself have not only fallen for a man (who doesn't want me...but that's another story) he has a small child, who luckily isn't some horrible brat, and who I adore and love spending time with and would have been quite happy to include more fully in my life should that man have wanted more of a relationship with me So, ok I'm not a guy, but from what I've seen it's NOT a deal-breaker, for some guys yes, for others, no, just means extra scheduling and an acceptance from the guy, in your case, that you're in the situation you're in, woman with small child, you will find someone who loves you nonetheless.
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 A woman having an infant, in and of itself, is not a deal breaker for me. I will say, however, that if I had to chose between two women, all things equal except one has a child, and the other does not, I would take the one without the child. To be blunt, its just easier. Its hard when you begin to date someone, and there are constant roadblocks in spending time together because of the child. I actually have a circumstance now, and the woman in question has her son every other weekend, which means that 2/4 weekends she is unavailable. I wont write her off, but Im certainly keeping my options open. You cant really blame someone for having reservations about kids. It does cut into your time, and there may or may not be drama with the ex involved. If you really dig someone, though, it usually doesnt matter. No no no BCCA I don't blame people who have reservations about kids. Not at all. I understand that it can be a dealbreaker for some. What DOES get to me though is when people think I should be lowering my standards solely because I'm a single mama.
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 A man who gets to know and falls in love with a woman will want her despite the fact that she has a child. Matter of fact, many men who love children but who would rather skip their early years would truly go for a woman whose child had passed the wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night years. It does take a very special man, however, so the man who goes for such a woman will be very unselfish and incredibly understanding, knowing that for a period of time the woman will give far greater priority to her child than to him. He will have to have confidence and strength of character. So a woman with a child who does find a man who loves her and wants to be with her after seeing the entire picture and after being exposed to the total situation for a period of time has to be a man above men and most likely a better partner than most other more selfish, self centered males. It can be done and it is done all the time. However, finding a worthy guy is not all that easy for nice, single ladies...but you will do it. The majority of homo sapiens are out for themselves, male or female. Godspeed! Haha I like this Tony
serial muse Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 A woman having an infant, in and of itself, is not a deal breaker for me. I will say, however, that if I had to chose between two women, all things equal except one has a child, and the other does not, I would take the one without the child. To be blunt, its just easier. Its hard when you begin to date someone, and there are constant roadblocks in spending time together because of the child. I actually have a circumstance now, and the woman in question has her son every other weekend, which means that 2/4 weekends she is unavailable. I wont write her off, but Im certainly keeping my options open. You cant really blame someone for having reservations about kids. It does cut into your time, and there may or may not be drama with the ex involved. If you really dig someone, though, it usually doesnt matter. To give another woman's perspective - well of course having kids matters. Certainly it might alter the dating pool, in the sense that there will be guys who care. And you know what? That works both ways. I'm in my 30s; when I was dating a few years back, I decided I didn't want to date guys who already had children (guess what; it worked out fine - this despite hearing messages on this here board that that might be asking too much at my advanced age). See, there's a fine point here. I don't think that the fact I didn't want to take on the challenge of someone else's children means that those guys with children will probably have to "settle." It means I simply wasn't the right person for them. There are a lot of people in this big wide world, and many of them are people who are going to be better suited. What I do not understand is the endless stream of "listen up, lady, I'm gonna tell it like it is to ya; accept my words as gospel truth or prepare to die alone" that goes on sometimes. It's demoralizing and unnecessary. So you don't want to date someone with kids. Cool. Does that then mean she has to scrape the bottom of the barrel? No. Present company excluded, of course, but supposing that some of the guys who don't want to date her are sitting at the bottom of the barrel? It's possible they weren't the be-all and end-all of her dreams anyway. Well then! She's just weeded them out. Like I said; I had similar criteria. I get it, guys. Everybody has criteria. For some, it may be to date people without kids. But for others, it may be to date people who are okay with kids. So, those are her criteria now. That is the more rational way to look at it. The rest is just catastrophizing based on someone's panicky assessment who doesn't even know her.
Chicago_Guy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 A man who gets to know and falls in love with a woman will want her despite the fact that she has a child. Matter of fact, many men who love children but who would rather skip their early years would truly go for a woman whose child had passed the wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night years. It does take a very special man, however, so the man who goes for such a woman will be very unselfish and incredibly understanding, knowing that for a period of time the woman will give far greater priority to her child than to him. He will have to have confidence and strength of character. So a woman with a child who does find a man who loves her and wants to be with her after seeing the entire picture and after being exposed to the total situation for a period of time has to be a man above men and most likely a better partner than most other more selfish, self centered males. It can be done and it is done all the time. However, finding a worthy guy is not all that easy for nice, single ladies...but you will do it. The majority of homo sapiens are out for themselves, male or female. Godspeed! Are you implying that men who date women with children are less selfish and more desirable than men who refuse to date women with children?
Tony T Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Are you implying that men who date women with children are less selfish and more desirable than men who refuse to date women with children? I clearly stated that men who fall in love with women despite the fact that they have children are likely to be unselfish and less self-centered. There are many extremely selfish men who would date a woman with ten children if she had five million dollars in the bank. Human behavior can't be reduced to simplistic terms and maybe I was guilty of that. It takes an unselfish man to take on a ready make family. Very simply, men who are selfish will not do that without some other kind of motivation.
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