chickee Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I went on a 2 week vacation without my husband because he is uncomfortable around my family. During this time, I felt happier than I have in a really long time. I didn't feel the pressures I do when I am around my husband - don't say the wrong thing, don't say anything stupid, don't upset him, etc. We have been married for less than a year and both of us are working professionals. We do not have children but we do have a house together. I have become less and less interested in spending time with him because it's so much work. He is very sensitive and there are tiny things I could say that could make him upset; he doesn't have a temper but rather he gets really nervous and preoccupied about it the rest of the time. He has generalized anxiety and his mother just had shock treatments for some sort of psychotic depression. This all scares me and I don't want these genes in my kids (not that mine are perfect by any means). My mom said I've never been happier than when I was gone and when I came back he didn't even greet my mom. I feel so much more free and able to say what I want without him around. Given the chance, I would have done the trip without him again. I don't want to go on future trips with him. I don't share his interests. His mom used to verbally lash me and he wouldn't do anything to defend me. I didn't want a large wedding due to personal reasons and his mom disapproved so he took her preferences over mine. In short, I am unhappy. I wish I never would have married him. I regret having to even post this. But I want kids and am pushing 30, is that a good reason to stay though?
alphamale Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 the true test of an unhappy marriage or relationship is when you feel better when you're seperated. i think you should get divorced and move on. lots of people make this type of mistake.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 He has generalized anxiety and his mother just had shock treatments for some sort of psychotic depression. This all scares me and I don't want these genes in my kids (not that mine are perfect by any means). Didn't you know this BEFORE you got married? If you truly feel this way, end it now and get a divorce so both of you can heal and move on. Or, do counselling together and make it work! Obviously there was a reason why you got married. Realized that marriage IS hard work, that it isn't all just sex, fun and smiles and you're not willing to put in the effort? That goes for both of you. But I want kids and am pushing 30, is that a good reason to stay though? No! Why make your kids suffer too? How is it fair to bring kids into this when you don't love your husband? Staying with a man just to have kids is wrong, let alone one that you feel might pass along mental illness..
Author chickee Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 alphamale - agree. I just need to sit on this awhile. I some thoughts why I was unhappy for awhile but I really need to give this serious thought before presenting it to him. which way- I knew someone would say something about that irrational and selfish statement. Kids shouldn't be in this type of situation and I couldn't agree more. It's the maternal clock speaking and yes, I feel selfish for thinking these things. But I will be taking my birth control methodically. I knew my husband had some anxiety (I do as well) but it's gotten worse and his mom had her breakdown in the past few months. She always seemed a bit off kilter but I just chalked that up to being eccentric. I admit to not being perfect and hindsight is a bitch. I do feel that at this time it would be easier to get out than say, 10 years down the road with 2 kids and more time put into this. Either way, it still makes me sad. I will take this decision extremely seriously but what i DO know is that I am happy without him than with him.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I knew my husband had some anxiety (I do as well) but it's gotten worse Let me ask you, if YOUR anxiety had gotten worse, would you expect your H to bail on you? Are you two both getting help and/or on meds for your anxiety? CBT? Anyway, looks like you've made your decision, now you need to divorce as quickly as possible, don't drag it out.
Trimmer Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I wish I never would have married him. You still haven't addressed the question: why did you? What did you see in each other - just a year ago?
TaraMaiden Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 The past is past. It's probably not a good idea to try to justify what was done at the time, because it seemed like a good idea. sometimes, we get caught up on the ride and fail to alight.... May I suggest that there are other ways of satisfying your maternal urges. I do understand them, really I do, and I know about the biological clock....but perhaps you could look at adoption or sponsorship. Contact with a child who needs you can be rewarding and very fulfilling, it's true. This relationship is definitely not the one to have children in. Tell your kids their grandmother is dysfunctioning and has shock treatment. bad situation! I believe, from your post, you have already left your husband emotionally. Doing it through divorce will be the final thing.
ForumFool Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 GET OUT NOW..it is not too late. IF you had posted his/families mental health issues were the only issues I would be asking you both to go to therapy....however, you stated you feel best when you are not with him. That you do not share much of the same intrests.....he takes mom's feelings into consideration over yours, is rude to your family and so much more..The marraige isn't that old. Don't do like I did and stay in it looking back 15 years later smacking yourself on the forehead. I wasn't married 4 months when my husbands true colors came out ..or I saw clearer and I remember one business trip I elected to go visit friends and family ...I still look back and that 2 weeks were the best weeks of my marraige...(without him)..It can't hurt to see a MC first both of you but make it a short term contact with MC and see if you both feel any different..I doubt you will sounds like you two just do not fit
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 These issues are petty and can be worked on!!! Why leave a man who can turn things around and fix them. something is wrong inside you, and if that's the case you dont need to blame him for it. Communication. dammit.
mendsley Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I did'nt read anything in your post or have seen anyone ask this question, sorry if it has already been asked, but have you talked with him about what is going on? And when I say talked you need to really let him know exactly what is running thru your head. You need to make you YOU know he understands what the issues are and how serious your thoughts really are. I honostly feel alot of marrriages today have none of this communication in the relationaship. I don't want to sound rude and forgive me if it is but, why did you not learn more about this person before getting married? I bet half of the "walk away wife syndrome" stories would have never happened in the first place if they would have giving things time to learn who the person actually is before jumping into marriage. You really sound like a good woman and not just moving on because you want to, but because of phsycological issues with your husband and mother in law. You should learn as much as you can about what issues he has and if it something workable than work TOGETHER on making meld in your lives. Just a quick note - My , wife or soon to be ex wife, had a problem with depression our whole ten years of marriage. 75% of her mothers side have bi-polar disorder and we had a good ten years, we had a good relationship. But, in the end the depression got the best of her and she ended up falling in love with another man and leaving me, this other man ended up cheating on her and left her a$$ in the dust. Now she is dealing with these demons on her own and things will never be the same.
mendsley Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I think it is sad that only one of these posts suggested TALKING with your husband. The issues at hand are serious and need to be worked out together. If you deal with this by yourself it is not fair to your husband, too many of the 45% divorce rate statistics can be resolved by understanding two simple realities: 1) People marry WAAAY to early, before they actually really know the person, whats the rush? 2) Couples now do not talk to each other, they deal with problems on thier own. Just think how much can be resolved when you BOTH are trying to resolve a problem. A lot of the times the probelms manifest into something other than what the real problem is becuase of your mind trying to figure out the other person is thinking, just talk! Good Luck -MIKE-
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