Hello Again....How time changes......

[crystal_lostheart]

Hey There,

 

If you read over my past threads - you would see that I was a pathetic, weak mess. Longing for my MM to leave his W.

 

He spent nearly all of his time with me. Did nothing with her - no vacations, weekends away - nothing. He only slept there (seperate room of course - whatever) and saw his son when he was at home. That's what made it so hard for me to walk away from him because we did so much together but the most important thing he would not do.....leave her - although he said he always would.

 

We did so much together. Even went away together several times. But in the end - we were living a dishonest life.

 

He told me he would leave her - he was just waiting for her to kick him out in hope that she would let him see his son whenever he wanted (what a weak way to do it????). He always told me how scared his was about leaving and how hard his W would make it each time he tried to leave - using his son against him - threatening that he would never see his son again....... The list goes on.

 

I don't deny that he did try hard at times to leave but he even admitted he struggled with it....it's a big ask for someone to walk out of an 18 year relationship, especially when there is a child involved. No excuses - you either stay or you leave. Although, I constantly made excuses for him - defended him staying because of how hard it was to leave. I should never have done this.

 

One morning, I woke up and decided 'enough was enough' - I was worth more - I couldn't live the lie anymore. And I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore - what the hell had I become??

 

He always said he wanted me to work things through with him to try and help him with leaving (how fair is that one?) - I told him I would but he had to leave his W first for us to work through things together. After 18 months - he was still with his W. I don't deny that their M was a complete mess and that she propbably even knew that he was having an A (I think she just ignored it). I don't know but I don't care anymore.

 

This whole thing has aged me, I am just exhausted. These men are very good are telling you what you want to hear to stay with them.....a kind of selfish, narcassistic behaviour.

 

I do love my MM - but I have no future with him. The R was built on lies and the foundation of such a R will always crumble unless they do the right thing and leave and start an honest life. Not many of them do.

 

I thought he could leave and maybe he could have in time but was my life worth putting on hold? No......I just couldn't continue the lie anymore.

 

I promised myself I would not write another thread on here until I ended the A. And that promise I have kept.

 

The A is now over. NC and sticking to it but with some pride in myself that I can now look in the mirror again and try and become an honest person again and never, ever put myself in that place again. It's very painful and heartbreaking and I cry a lot but at least I can now move on. Yes, I am in therapy and yes there is a lot of work to be done in the healing process but I try and stay as positive as I can...it is hard but not impossible...we do survive

 

My point - please if you can find the strength and you know that you have to walk away from your MM or MW - then do it.....if they don't leave and give you excuses...it's nothing more than an addiction and it's not really love...... If I had my time over.... I would never have made the mistake of getting involved with a MM.

 

There is a better life out there for you

 

Good Luck to you all

[jj33]

Crystal that is great great news. Congratulations. I so happy for you.

 

I couldnt agree more. People who stay in As unhappily are making up excuses as to why it has to be the way it is. It doesnt. If you are unhappy you have a choice. You can leave.

 

I wish you much happiness.

[crystal_lostheart]

Thanks JJ......And yes everybody has a choice.... I chose to walk.....it wasn't fair on me and certainly not his W but most of all a child was involved and it's NEVER their fault... they should never be made to suffer....I still hurt deeply, yes a lot of that is my fault...but all I can do is move forward now and learn from this

[Treasa]

I just want to say that I've never been in your position, but I think you are a wonderful, strong person.

[OWoman]

People who stay in As unhappily are making up excuses as to why it has to be the way it is. It doesnt. If you are unhappy you have a choice. You can leave.

 

I'd go further and include any kind of R in that - with the possible exception of an unhappy work relationship where the employment situation is so bad you won't be able to find another job, and you have dependents relying on your income. But aside from that - anyone who CHOOSES to remain unhappy should be happy not miserable because they are acting on their own choice.

 

Crystal - it's great to see you acted on your choice to be happy, and left the misery behind. Enjoy your happiness and power!

[DNU1]

Crystal: You did the right thing. I've frequented an infidelity site for several months, being a two time BS my self.

 

Affairs usually end before 2 years. The newness and rush wears off and it is no longer fun for the MM / MW.

 

Even if your MM did leave his wife for you, think about what you would have built that relationship on -- lies and deceipt. IMHO it would only be a matter of time before he would have looked for his next affair / OW.

 

Learn from this experience. Yes, you are going to feel the pain of withdrawal. Learn from it and grow as a person. If I can help more let me know. But I'm glad you ended this affair.

[OWoman]

Affairs usually end before 2 years. The newness and rush wears off and it is no longer fun for the MM / MW.

 

I don't want to jack Crystal's thread, but there are heaps and heaps of stories here that contradict your assertion. Unless you've done a proper scientific study of this, it's mere opinion and no more valid than any of ours which make claims to the contrary.

 

Even if your MM did leave his wife for you, think about what you would have built that relationship on -- lies and deceipt. IMHO it would only be a matter of time before he would have looked for his next affair / OW.

 

Again, there are many stories both here and IRL which prove otherwise. I'm sorry your W cheated on you, twice, and I'm happy you found the strength to work through it, but your individual experience is just that - the experience of an individual, and not a universal law. Many others have very different experience and each person's situation is very specific to them. What may have happened to one cannot automatically be thought to apply to another, else every MM would have dumped his W and lived happily ever after with his fOW - since that's my experience, and what I'd be universlising from, not so?

[bentnotbroken]

I don't want to jack Crystal's thread, but there are heaps and heaps of stories here that contradict your assertion. Unless you've done a proper scientific study of this, it's mere opinion and no more valid than any of ours which make claims to the contrary.

 

 

 

Again, there are many stories both here and IRL which prove otherwise. I'm sorry your W cheated on you, twice, and I'm happy you found the strength to work through it, but your individual experience is just that - the experience of an individual, and not a universal law. Many others have very different experience and each person's situation is very specific to them. What may have happened to one cannot automatically be thought to apply to another, else every MM would have dumped his W and lived happily ever after with his fOW - since that's my experience, and what I'd be universlising from, not so?

 

 

 

Owoman, he did say IMHO.

[bentnotbroken]

Crystal, it is good to see someone walking away from the drama, turning your life around and walking into your blessings. It won't always be easy, but remember the amount of time you invested in MM, the lies and deceit. Then invest that amount of time in yourself and helping others who are looking for a way out.

[DNU1]

I don't want to jack Crystal's thread, but there are heaps and heaps of stories here that contradict your assertion. Unless you've done a proper scientific study of this, it's mere opinion and no more valid than any of ours which make claims to the contrary.

 

owoman: I don't want to get in an argument over verbage with you here. Yes, this is my opinion, just as your posts are your opinion. Nothing more, nothing less. I was just simply giving my support to Crystals decision to end this affair.

 

Again, there are many stories both here and IRL which prove otherwise. I'm sorry your W cheated on you, twice, and I'm happy you found the strength to work through it (thanks), but your individual experience is just that - the experience of an individual, and not a universal law (agree). Many others have very different experience and each person's situation is very specific to them. What may have happened to one cannot automatically be thought to apply to another, else every MM would have dumped his W and lived happily ever after with his fOW - since that's my experience, and what I'd be universlising from, not so?

 

I am not an expert in affairs, relationships, recovery, marriage, etc, and don't claim to be. I'm merely stating my opinion based on the books I've read, the experiences I've had, the people I have interacted with. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

No offense taken and no offense meant on my behalf.

[LovieDove24]

I know people tend to crucify the OW because it is such an obviously painful experience for all of the innocents involved, but I often find myself feeling sorry for them. They are in a sense, entering abusive relationships of which are often times hard to loosen their grip from. They're being manipulated, neglected and treated as a second class citizen--all signs of an unhealthy relationship. It is a proven fact that women in abusive relationships often times give their "abusers" a second chance. These women are in an unhealthy emotional state of mind and have no boundaries intact to preserve their well being. In some extreme cases, these boundaries don't exist at all. But, a lot of you will say, these OW made the CHOICE to get involved w/MM. Such is true, but so do women who get involved with abusers of the more obvious kind. What they deserve is our prayers and our pity IMO.

 

Back to the main topic at hand, congrats Crystal, I'm glad to hear you are reclaiming your life.

[fooled once]

See, I don't feel sorry for any person who willingly decides to start a relationship (and really, how can it be a true, honest relationship) with a married person *shrug*

 

I feel sorry for the betrayed spouse. Because that spouse is married to someone with no morals and no ethics. That betrayed spouse is duped by the person they married.

 

I feel sad for the children who are hurt because a man couldn't keep his penis in his pants/a woman who couldn't keep her legs closed.

 

I dont feel sympathy for any person who chooses -- CHOOSES -- to get involved with someone who isn't legally separated or already divorced from their spouse. To me, how can they really think the relationship will survive since it is based on lies, deceit and dishonesty.

 

Sure, some do work out.

 

But I always laugh when I hear the stories from the other person about how their married M/W has such a horrible marriage and sleep in separate rooms. LOL Why don't these other people realize they truly have NO idea what is going on in a marriage as they are NOT THERE and not participating in the marriage???

 

Crystal, I am glad you decided you deserved to be the MAIN person in someone's life and you have ended this affair. I wish you happiness in the future and good luck with your next real relationship.

[wildsoul]

Wow, I'm totally offended by a couple posts here, spanking the OP and making a dig about how MM/W is probably bored or whatever. RUDE. Especially in a very postive, well written, and inspiring post such as this. And ESPECIALLY as she's trying to heal, but came back to help others. I don't understand how you mean-spirited BS's can bash someone who's also on the anti-affair team now. :mad:

 

Thank god not all the BS's here are like that. I'm sure we'll hear from the wise ones soon.

 

Crystal, I think it's great to read how you're reclaiming your integrity. And thanks for coming back to share! There are a few of OW on the other side now, and I think it's important we keep posting.

 

And boy howdy, doesn't it feel great knowing you'll never have to deal with that particular kind of drama again? You are free, free, free now.

[crystal_lostheart]

Wow, I'm totally offended by a couple posts here, spanking the OP and making a dig about how MM/W is probably bored or whatever. RUDE. Especially in a very postive, well written, and inspiring post such as this. And ESPECIALLY as she's trying to heal, but came back to help others. I don't understand how you mean-spirited BS's can bash someone who's also on the anti-affair team now. :mad:

 

Thank god not all the BS's here are like that. I'm sure we'll hear from the wise ones soon.

 

Crystal, I think it's great to read how you're reclaiming your integrity. And thanks for coming back to share! There are a few of OW on the other side now, and I think it's important we keep posting.

 

And boy howdy, doesn't it feel great knowing you'll never have to deal with that particular kind of drama again? You are free, free, free now.

 

 

Hey Wildsoul,

 

So good to hear from you.... I hope you are well.....

 

I guess everyone has their opinion.... My MM once even said to me that I was selfish for not helping him through everything...that I should stick by him until he decides to leave...and I look back now and I used to feel incredible guilt because I thought if I wanted a future with him I had to help him....NO NO NO NO.....What a selfish man and he knew he was only saying that to hold onto me.....

 

These R are doomed when it's like this...so one sided....he thought that because he supported me in so many other ways...i needed to stick by him....Well you know what I would say to him now....Go Jump.....

[crystal_lostheart]

Thanks Bent - will do - it's hard but I am moving on

[wildsoul]

These R are doomed when it's like this...so one sided....he thought that because he supported me in so many other ways...i needed to stick by him....Well you know what I would say to him now....Go Jump.....

Let me guess, he said something about you not "unconditionally loving him." Right?

 

God help the next poor soul who tries to manipulate me with that term again.

[crystal_lostheart]

Oh Yeah..... I had to love and stick by him 'no matter what'.... Whatever

[Soaked]

Let me guess, he said something about you not "unconditionally loving him." Right?

 

holy cow! I swear they have the same "how to" manual book!

 

@crystal_lostheart, a lot of thing you wrote I feel the same and agree with you, and glad to see you are out of it. :)

[LovieDove24]

See, I don't feel sorry for any person who willingly decides to start a relationship (and really, how can it be a true, honest relationship) with a married person *shrug*

 

I feel sorry for the betrayed spouse. Because that spouse is married to someone with no morals and no ethics. That betrayed spouse is duped by the person they married.

 

I feel sad for the children who are hurt because a man couldn't keep his penis in his pants/a woman who couldn't keep her legs closed.

 

I dont feel sympathy for any person who chooses -- CHOOSES -- to get involved with someone who isn't legally separated or already divorced from their spouse. To me, how can they really think the relationship will survive since it is based on lies, deceit and dishonesty.

 

I feel sorry for all of those people too. Of course I do, who doesn't?

 

But I was saying in addition to all that I feel sorry for the sad state that these women are in to get themselves into such a situation in the first place. Again, I am admitting indeed OW make the choice to enter into a harmful relationship. But what Im also saying is that no one with healthy boundaries, a strong sense of self and respect for their sanity and happiness would enter into such a manipulative and secretive place. Think about it, these women aren't emotionally "healthy" are they? (Sorry OP Im getting off topic, I really am proud of you...just trying to make a point).

 

To go to another example of women entering unhealthy relationships when their self esteem was not intact, I'll turn this to myself. I always used to end up dating alcoholics. Now I didn't "try" to find these men but it just so happened it was what I was attracted to. Why was I attracted to these types of men? Because something inside of me was sick too. Something was broken and longing to reflect that sense of abandonment I'd come to know as my truth (both parents were alchies and abandoned me all the time). I am slowly working on this but it is not something that should be disregarded.