Joker77 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 So I met this girl at the gym I workout at. She works there. She's just turned 22 and I'm 31. I swore I would never date someone that young. Anyways, she would come up to me and talk to me during my workouts and we kinda hit it off. She gave me her number one night and wanted to hang out. I invited her out one night to have a drink with me and some friends of mine. She came out later and we ended up sitting in her car for hours talking. It was obvious she wanted to make a move and so did I but we were both kinda hesitant to do so. She invited me out a couple of times but since I work early, I had to postpone. I have returned the favor and invited her out a couple of times and she has postponed due to work and she goes to school. Totally cool. I find out she told a co worker of my sisters that she has a crush on me. I have kissed this girl a couple of times but she seems to stop herself after a few seconds. I know she has dated a few douchebags...one who beat the holy hell out of her. He was 28. We went bowling last week and only hung out for a couple of hours. Again, we kissed in her car but she stopped after a few seconds. I actually texted her later saying it was good she left otherwise I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. She replied that she wished she had stayed then. I'm just really confused because I don't know if she likes me or not or if she just likes to flirt. Last night she came over to my apartment and I walked her to her car. She hugged me and was getting ready to leave. I told her I wasn't letting her leave without kissing her which I did. What the heck should I do? I don't want to put effort into something that might not be there to begin with. I like this girl a lot, but I'm afraid that if I come on too strong, I'll scare her away.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 How about going out on more dates? Your post wasn't entirely clear - how many dates HAVE you been on with her? But anyway, with more dates you give time for the natural progression of attraction and physical interaction. She may just be gun-shy because of her previous relationships. With time you give her a chance to see you're not going to break her heart. I don't think she's playing you - I think she's just nervous.
Author Joker77 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 We've gone out a couple of times, but because she works and goes to school, we haven't been able to hang out very long because she is tired from a long day. I totally understand that since I know what that was like. Yeah we have kissed and she's always playful with me when I see her at the gym. But she is like that with a lot of people up there. I just don't want to confuse playful flirting for something else.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 If shes had the **** beaten out of her before then I'm sure she wouldn't go around kissing every guy she flirts with she wouldn't let her guard down that much until she really felt something for the guy. I agree shes prob just frightened because of past nightmares shes def interested but you will have to be very gentile and understanding with this one...
Author Joker77 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 If shes had the **** beaten out of her before then I'm sure she wouldn't go around kissing every guy she flirts with she wouldn't let her guard down that much until she really felt something for the guy. I agree shes prob just frightened because of past nightmares shes def interested but you will have to be very gentile and understanding with this one... Understanding won't be a problem for me. A few weeks ago she introduced me to a friend of hers who also works out at the gym who texted her later on that I was a "nice guy". She was basically razzing her on it because apparently she's had a history of dating jerks. The first time we actually hung out, she kept asking me when the other side was going to come out. I guess she's had such bad luck with guys that she expects them all to treat her like garbage.
Author Joker77 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 You have to prove to her more that you're REALLY interested in her. Kissing won't suffice. Go on more action dates -- ice skating is great -- and increase the intimacy levels. She wants to know that you are sincerely into her. The girl's been hurt before, and she won't allow it to occur again. That's the problem. I want to show her I'm interested in her, but she seems standoffish at times. There have been a couple of times where we have made plans only for her to call and say she's either tired or like last week, she said a friend of hers from college came into town and she blew me off. She said that I could possibly meet up with them later. I politely declined.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Be careful with women who gravitate towards men who abuse them, whether physically or emotionally. While no one wants to be abused, some will agitate for it, since it's the environment they're comfortable with. In other words abuse/drama = intense love. What concerns me the most is her actions with pulling back from kissing, saying no, then her follow-up comment about wishing you hadn't stopped.
Author Joker77 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Be careful with women who gravitate towards men who abuse them, whether physically or emotionally. While no one wants to be abused, some will agitate for it, since it's the environment they're comfortable with. In other words abuse/drama = intense love. What concerns me the most is her actions with pulling back from kissing, saying no, then her follow-up comment about wishing you hadn't stopped. That's exactly why I'm wondering if I should even continue pursuing her. She's telling someone she has a crush on me and I'm trying to let it be known I'm interested in her as well. The problem is that I don't know what she wants and I don't feel we are anywhere close in a dating pattern where I can ask her what she's looking for.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 That's exactly why I'm wondering if I should even continue pursuing her. She's telling someone she has a crush on me and I'm trying to let it be known I'm interested in her as well. The problem is that I don't know what she wants and I don't feel we are anywhere close in a dating pattern where I can ask her what she's looking for. One way of gauging someone like this, particularly this young, is to ask questions about her family situation. Does she get along with her family, primarily her parents. Family dynamics builds core foundations of what love is.
Author Joker77 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 One way of gauging someone like this, particularly this young, is to ask questions about her family situation. Does she get along with her family, primarily her parents. Family dynamics builds core foundations of what love is. She lives at home with her mom and brother who just recently divorced and he has a 4 year old daughter. She says her dad is a d-bag but she seems him every so often. Her stepfather died a few years ago. She seems to be very close to her mom and brother from what she tells me. I just don't know where to go with it. When I go up to the gym and she is working, she will ask me to stick around for a bit and shoot the breeze or if it's closer to her quitting time, she will ask me to stick around and walk to her car with her. Last night she just let me leave without asking me to stay which makes me wonder whether I should pursue her any longer or maybe she's playing hard to get. I don't know. I always swore I would never date someone that young, but for some reason I dig her and find her kind of fun to be around.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 She lives at home with her mom and brother who just recently divorced and he has a 4 year old daughter. She says her dad is a d-bag but she seems him every so often. Her stepfather died a few years ago. She seems to be very close to her mom and brother from what she tells me. I just don't know where to go with it. When I go up to the gym and she is working, she will ask me to stick around for a bit and shoot the breeze or if it's closer to her quitting time, she will ask me to stick around and walk to her car with her. Last night she just let me leave without asking me to stay which makes me wonder whether I should pursue her any longer or maybe she's playing hard to get. I don't know. I always swore I would never date someone that young, but for some reason I dig her and find her kind of fun to be around. Get more detail about why her father is a d-bag, when did he leave and what her relationship was, with her stepfather. Also, watch for patterns of behaviour like push/pull, which she's already displaying. Watch for agitating behaviour. There are some mature young adults but it's not generally the norm, since they're not usually completely formed adults yet, still prone to dramatic emotional changes. I wouldn't be looking at her for the long-term, unless you're certain she's a mature individual, capable of stability. With this attraction to abusive men, I would be very cautious until you know more about her. I can't tell you whether or not to cut bait and run. People can change, although it's not likely a 22 year old will be able to. Best case scenario would be that she's in transition.
Author Joker77 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Get more detail about why her father is a d-bag, when did he leave and what her relationship was, with her stepfather. Also, watch for patterns of behaviour like push/pull, which she's already displaying. Watch for agitating behaviour. There are some mature young adults but it's not generally the norm, since they're not usually completely formed adults yet, still prone to dramatic emotional changes. I wouldn't be looking at her for the long-term, unless you're certain she's a mature individual, capable of stability. With this attraction to abusive men, I would be very cautious until you know more about her. I can't tell you whether or not to cut bait and run. People can change, although it's not likely a 22 year old will be able to. Best case scenario would be that she's in transition. Thanks for the advice. She's a really cool girl, but I'm thinking about cutting my losses and calling it a day. I don't want to put effort into something if the other person doesn't want to put forth any effort at all.
Timmers Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 She may also be pulling back because she expects the guy to make the first move. Once you're sure she wants to move forward, make your move... if that's what you want of course.
Author Joker77 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 My sister thinks I should steer clear altogether because she feels that a 22 year old girl isn't ready to settle down. Plus I just found out she said that I'm almost "too nice". That's the kiss of freaking death.
Author Joker77 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Went to the gym tonight. She came up to me a couple of times and started playfully bumping into me. She was talking to a friend of hers as I was walking out and I told her bye. I don't want to be the moron who sticks around if there's nothing there. Again, it's kind of confusing to me but I should know this by now considering I dated people like this 10 years ago.
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Dating someone that young really is going to be different- and most likely difficult. I was pretty retarded when I was that age, didn't really have a clue about the world, not to mention the lack of maturity. Granted, some young people are way more mature than others- but it won't be the same as dating someone closer to your own age. She seems to be playing games- push/pull. That's never a good sign and probably not worth the effort. Too many red flags.
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Joker, for a dose of reality, you might want to read Caliguy's thread about breaking up with a 22 year-old, who he dated for about a year. Keep in mind that his ex didn't even have the same baggage/challenges as this girl.
Author Joker77 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Dating someone that young really is going to be different- and most likely difficult. I was pretty retarded when I was that age, didn't really have a clue about the world, not to mention the lack of maturity. Granted, some young people are way more mature than others- but it won't be the same as dating someone closer to your own age. She seems to be playing games- push/pull. That's never a good sign and probably not worth the effort. Too many red flags. I was pretty much thinking the same thing. I guess my idiot rear end had to hear it from someone else. I've always been hellbent on not dating someone younger than 30 because I've had nothing but bad luck with people younger than me. I just got out of a almost six month relationship with a 31 year old a few months back. She was about as mature as your normal 18 year old. After that experience, I have become quite gunshy.
Author Joker77 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Joker, for a dose of reality, you might want to read Caliguy's thread about breaking up with a 22 year-old, who he dated for about a year. Keep in mind that his ex didn't even have the same baggage/challenges as this girl. Trial, I'm thinking I have read his thread before but I can't find it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Trial, I'm thinking I have read his thread before but I can't find it. Weird, so did I and now I can't find it. Try this one, which is his second chance thread with the same girl: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=180138&page=3
Author Joker77 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Weird, so did I and now I can't find it. Try this one, which is his second chance thread with the same girl: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=180138&page=3 Thanks...I'll check it out.
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Thanks...I'll check it out. You're welcome. Here's a couple more post-breakup threads about the drama with the exes new b/f and more drama. Post breakup: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=161489&page=2 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=168369&page=2
Cosmo87 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 she actaully may like you more then you think she does..I'm 22 so i'm in the same age group..you have to realize that you are much older then her..i know that if i told my 22yr old girlfriends that i've been seeing a guy over 30 they would say "hes only looking to get some", which i bet is exactly why she keeps stoping herself..she wouldn't continue to go out with you and kiss you if she wasn't interested..overall i would say either its another guy in the picture, or the age difference..more or less i would say the age difference..my sisters fiance is 31 and i could NEVER imagine going out with someone and being serious with someone of that age because i feel the maturity levels would be off balance..even though when your 60 the age difference doesnt matter, its the life experience that is important right now, and at 22 im sure she is not looking for anything serious, being her i can tell you that shes most def confused why a guy your age is pursing her, i know that i would...but you seem like you dig her, so i wouldn't cut your ties with her just yet, just dont expect too much
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I was pretty much thinking the same thing. I guess my idiot rear end had to hear it from someone else. I've always been hellbent on not dating someone younger than 30 because I've had nothing but bad luck with people younger than me. I just got out of a almost six month relationship with a 31 year old a few months back. She was about as mature as your normal 18 year old. After that experience, I have become quite gunshy. Lol, I think that you'll encounter immature people at all ages. I don't think I really figured out who I was until my early 30's. For some people, they will never figure it out. At least a 22 year old has youth and inexperience as an excuse for immaturity. I think you learn from past experiences how to spot red flags. I think your instincts are already telling you she's probably more trouble than it's worth.
Author Joker77 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 she actaully may like you more then you think she does..I'm 22 so i'm in the same age group..you have to realize that you are much older then her..i know that if i told my 22yr old girlfriends that i've been seeing a guy over 30 they would say "hes only looking to get some", which i bet is exactly why she keeps stoping herself..she wouldn't continue to go out with you and kiss you if she wasn't interested..overall i would say either its another guy in the picture, or the age difference..more or less i would say the age difference..my sisters fiance is 31 and i could NEVER imagine going out with someone and being serious with someone of that age because i feel the maturity levels would be off balance..even though when your 60 the age difference doesnt matter, its the life experience that is important right now, and at 22 im sure she is not looking for anything serious, being her i can tell you that shes most def confused why a guy your age is pursing her, i know that i would...but you seem like you dig her, so i wouldn't cut your ties with her just yet, just dont expect too much I'm at a point in my life where "looking to get some" isn't a priority anymore. It was when I was in my mid twenties, but I'm looking for something with some substance now. I completely agree with you that I don't think she is looking for anything serious right now.
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