Intricategirl Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 My husband told me last Sunday that he was leaving. We've managed to keep it pretty friendly so far, and we agreed that we would always do nothing but talk up the other parent to our kids. I know I haven't said anything bad about him to my kids, and I don't want to. Tonight, he called to talk to them. He doesn't even get his apartment until Wednesday, and they've been anxious to go over and spend time with him. But tonight when he called, I called them to come downstairs so they could talk to him. They told me they didn't have anything to say to him. I didn't know quite how to tell him and said, "Ummm, they said they don't have anything to say and they are saving it up for Wednesday. I'm sorry. They're kind of engrossed in their video game." He sort of laughed and said that's okay, but it's gotta hurt. After he hung up, I called the kids downstairs and said that they really should have talked to him. They said, "But I really didn't have anything to say." I told them that they might not have anything to say, but I'm sure daddy misses them and HE might have had something to say to them. They seemed to understand, but didn't ask to call him back or anything. And then they asked me if I needed a hug. How should I have handled this? My parents never divorced, and I'm new to this separation stuff, and have no idea what I should have said. And I really don't want them thinking that they've got to protect my feelings, or that they can't talk to him (I have no idea whether they were asking about the hug because they thought I was upset, or whether they just wanted one). But they haven't even been to his apartment yet and they're already kind of rejecting him.
lonelypiscesguy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Give it time. It sounds like you are both handling this like adults and that is very commendable. My step-father walked out on my mother and I for another woman when I was about 10 and she didn't say a bad word about him, she didn't tell what happened until I was going through my divorce. My ex and I did NOT have the most pleasant divorce and we did fight in front of our son for a few years, but we mellowed with time. Anyway, what I'm getting at is, it sounds like you are handling this very well. Just give your kids time. Your ex sounds like a decent guy, or at least you haven't flamed him, so he will keep putting forth the necessary effort until your kids come around. It'll happen.
Aerorobyn Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Like Pisces said--Give it time. You two really do seem to be handling this well. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but things do happen for reason, and to teach us something. At least the father still wants to be in their lives. My parents split when I was 3, divorced when I was 5. My mom never had anything to do with me or my brothers, and still doesn't. I didn't even get a call from her until I turned 18, had a car, and was able to run her around places...don't think so, mama dear!
lonelypiscesguy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Like Pisces said--Give it time. You two really do seem to be handling this well. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but things do happen for reason, and to teach us something. At least the father still wants to be in their lives. My parents split when I was 3, divorced when I was 5. My mom never had anything to do with me or my brothers, and still doesn't. I didn't even get a call from her until I turned 18, had a car, and was able to run her around places...don't think so, mama dear!Well said, sweet one.
boldjack Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 IG, My guess is that the kids see him leaving the family home and will identify with the parent who stays, until they have adjusted to the new situation. Both of you have done very well. The key to making this as streess-free as possible is for you two and the kids to communicate. Good Luck
Author Intricategirl Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Lonelypiscesguy, my ex left for another women. He IS a decent guy and a good father, but he's a lousy husband. Fortunately, those are different roles, and as my ex, I don't have to deal with the side of him that I can't stand, and I can focus on the good parts. Aerorobyn, I'm sorry to hear that. Since he doesn't have an apartment yet, he's been hesitant to take any time with them yet because he doesn't know where to spend time with them other than the motel room. Next week starts visitation, so we'll see whether he keeps to the schedule we came up with. I hope and believe he will. Boldjack, that makes sense. I just didn't want them to cut him out to protect me. But I wasn't sure if forcing them to talk to him is really the answer either.
Island Girl Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 If he was there in the house but stuck in bed with a broken femur and requested that the kids come and talk to him because he had something to say, would it have been an option to blow him off and continue playing their video games? If the answer is yes that is terrible. But I think your answer would be no. So just keep in mind that you can still uphold parental respect. Just like if you called over to his place to talk to them you would expect them to get on the phone. So if he calls again make sure they know they still need to respect their father and talk to him when he wants to talk to them. If they have nothing to say to him then it will be a short conversation. But they won't think they can just duck the parent that isn't present because they feel like it.
Treasa Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I can't say I blame your kids. Your husband's going to have to deal with the fact that his choices have consequences.
Author Intricategirl Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Island Girl, good points all around. Thanks. Treasa, I don't exactly blame them either, and there's a whole lot of ways he'll be dealing with this for a long time to come. But Island Girl is probably right. Even if they don't understand why he did it or feel hurt by it, they can show him some basic respect.
Island Girl Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Island Girl, good points all around. Thanks. Treasa, I don't exactly blame them either, and there's a whole lot of ways he'll be dealing with this for a long time to come. But Island Girl is probably right. Even if they don't understand why he did it or feel hurt by it, they can show him some basic respect. The marital problems really have nothing to do with the children. And it is easier for the children whose parents understand this. They should be given the message that although "we" aren't together he/she is still your father/mother in every way they always have been. You have a separate relationship with your parent forever that is unchanging no matter the geography involved. The children who are given this as a consistent message often fare far better. Glad I could help.
lonelypiscesguy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Lonelypiscesguy, my ex left for another women. He IS a decent guy and a good father, but he's a lousy husband. Fortunately, those are different roles, and as my ex, I don't have to deal with the side of him that I can't stand, and I can focus on the good parts. Aerorobyn, I'm sorry to hear that. Since he doesn't have an apartment yet, he's been hesitant to take any time with them yet because he doesn't know where to spend time with them other than the motel room. Next week starts visitation, so we'll see whether he keeps to the schedule we came up with. I hope and believe he will. Boldjack, that makes sense. I just didn't want them to cut him out to protect me. But I wasn't sure if forcing them to talk to him is really the answer either.I'm sorry, that changes everything, and believe me when I say I have HUGE issues with that s***.
Author Intricategirl Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 LonelyPiscesGuy, I don't know. I'm kinda hoping this will be my only divorce, so I hope I have no frame of reference to decide which one is worse. But I guess the way I look at it now, in some way, he was not getting what he needed from me. And if I'm going to be honest, he wasn't doing it for me either. I just kept from stepping out on him, but my feelings were probably the same. And part of me really hopes that it works out between them because then, it will have all happened for a reason. (Course, a bigger part hopes it doesn't work out. ) Statistically, only about 3% of affairs lead to marriage. But 6% of married couples divorce, and then remarry each other. So I've already "won" in a hundred different ways, and I don't really need the kids to dislike him on my behalf.
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