I'm alone.. ALL THE TIME!

[Sassa]

When I met my husband, I was just coming out of another marriage that can be described as nothing more than toxic. I was 21 years old with a 1 year old when basically over eggs and hash browns at a diner, my then husband and I decided that it was done. It was hard at first, but the hardest part was really figuring out how to be alone after spending 5 years in a relationship. I met current hubby one night at a bar (about 3 months after ending it with x) and things went very fast from there. Within 2 weeks of meeting him, he was staying with me at my parents house and we have been together every since. I was interested in having fun and partying at the time and was like WOW I don’t have to do it alone like I thought. (I now know that this was probably a huge mistake, my head was messed up, and I had no clue what I wanted or even who I was) This relationship was so easy! We never fought – still don’t, we were just content to kind of hang out and have fun. In the next couple of years we had a son of our own, lived like only 22-23 year olds do and then 5 years ago he got his current job.

 

He works for a barge company, when he first got the job, he would work 12 hour days (mandatory) and he then decided that he would rather take another position within the company where he would physically live on the boat for 30 days and then be home for 30 days at a time. He never consulted me about this, and it’s always been something I’ve neither forgotten about nor forgiven him for. It did and does make me angry that he sort of plopped me into a life I did not ask for or get a choice in. I told him constantly at first that I did not like playing the role of the single mom (but not really) and he always responded with how great things would be with only working 6 months a year then being home 6 months a year. Things have NOT been great. We talk about a max of 2 hours by phone a month and if the net signal is decent we exchange posts on a website that some how his work has not banned like every other source of online communication.

 

In the beginning, I would miss him terribly when he would be gone and for the first week or two that he was home I would be elated, until I would get frustrated that his head was stuck in fantasy land of an online game like “Second life” or “World of Warcraft” called “Final Fantasy” I know he holds a certain level of addiction for this game.. even before he changed positions at work, and it was always a great source of resentment and fights. (we once almost left too late to take the kids trick or treating because I kept getting the just a few more minutes blow off)

 

I have tried several times to engage myself in other activities to sort of combat the lonely while he is gone, I have gone back to school, worked, volunteered, ect. But at the end of the day, its always still there. We got married in 2005 because I needed health insurance as did my son from my previous marriage, there was no proposal, there was no ceremony … we had my dad ordained on the internet and he signed the marriage license.. it was just as clear cut as that. A few months later I did something I am not proud of and got involved with someone on the internet of which my husband found out about a few months later. It was a huge eye opener for both of us.. he uninstalled the online games from the pc, we spent tons of quality time together and I remember looking at him and thinking, “im falling in love with him again” it was nice.

 

I am not proud of what I did, but I was desperate to fill that void. It was never sexual, never physical and never went beyond online. My husband installed all sorts of key loggers and what not onto my pc because clearly he could not trust me and I could hardly blame him, what I did was horrible and a betrayal. After some time passed, I got a job where I was working full time which he did not like. He believes that since he is gone for a month, I should be 100% accessible when he is home. He would turn off the alarm clock, pout, ask me to take time off to stay home and eventually began to hint around that if I were going to be gone all day that he wanted to play his game again and I relented telling him that limits HAD to be set this time, we compromised and he said that it was something he wanted me to do with him and I agreed. That was July 2007. Old habits have resurfaced; he still goes thru my pc which now drives me insane. I’m not allowed to talk to anyone without the forethought that he WILL read it and when I tell him that I feel I need some level of privacy he responds with comments like “Privacy is something you only get in the bathroom” I feel more like a child under his watchful eye than I do his wife, because aside from careful monitoring of my computer time, he is just so indifferent. He is not affectionate (never has been tbh) but when its time to be intimate, he makes no move to initiate it, yet complains about not getting it enough (sorry probably tmi)

 

It’s to the point that I know I care about him – im just not sure that im in love with him anymore. Between the problems I have caused and his job.. its like the distance is so great now that we live like roommates, once in awhile he will surprise me with a thoughtful gift but I just feel so blah about it. I am now to the point where I will find excuses to not hang on the phone, the conversation is basically uncomfortable or the same one we’ve had dozens of times, or I wont answer at all and I’ve formulated a plan of what and where I will go when I leave. I hate that I feel this way because I feel bad that im the one who wants out and I honestly believe that he would be blind sided (sort of what I was reading on the WaW syndrome) but even carrying that feeling I feel like im just biding my time until I have the money to go. I worry more about where he will go because I want to be ‘fair’.

 

I’m just so tired of being ALONE. I have grown into a person who is independent, and knows better how to live without him than with him. My views and goals are different now than what they were, yet he is the same.

 

He thinks that when he is home that its vacation time.. not help wife time. (just recently I had to nag him for 3 weeks to take the window unit to the basement because *shrugs* wasn’t on his side of the bed outta sight out of mind) I am a totally different person now than he is, he is not someone I would choose now if given a choice. He has no motivation for anything but Final Fantasy, yet when he is at work, apparently he’s a real go getter.. he just has no interest in trying at home *sigh* I have asked him before to consider changing jobs but given his education level and the fact that he seems to really enjoy his work, he refused.. and now im to the point where I don’t think it would even help.

 

Recently, we had a rather large blow out where we really dug into all of the heavy issues of our marriage. It was rather like poking a wounded bear with a stick knowing full well it was gonna snap and go nuts on you. It just feels like nothing ever changes. I sometimes wish i had the gumption to have an affair so he could catch me (sad huh?) or that he would have an affair and just leave. Because I honestly dont know what to say or do anymore. I dont want a roomate and the divide between us that his being away the way he has.. has grown so wide, as i've said before.. we are strangers.

 

I guess the reason I am posting here is because, for our sons benefit, and to be able to look back and say at least I tried this and that FIRST, but I wonder also if my mind is already made up.. is there any turning back from that? Once you get to this place, can the distance be bridged? Isnt my happiness worth something? How do you tell a guy who you dont have knock 'em out drag 'em out fights with that you want to leave?

 

I could really use some advice.

[Sassa]

I know i posted a wall of text, but i could really use some feedback

[Gunny376]

First welcome to LoveShack

 

Things seem to slow down on the weekends ~ especially when the weekend includes a holiday such as Easter. That's the main reason you've not gotten any responses me~thinks. Saturdays are practically dead when it comes to posting and responses

 

You mentioned that your DH's job opportunities were limited due to his education level? What might that be if I may ask? And what might yours be?

 

I ask because if there's a wide gap between the two of you, then your problems may be insurmountable.

 

This is a sticky situation, in that you have a child by another relationship, and one of the reason the current relationship became a martial relationship was for the practical reason of you and your son from the previous relationship needing health insurance.

 

Wouldn't that go away were you to divorce? And, what you be your job prospects in your geographical area were you to divorce as a single mother with two young children. The cost of day-care alone sends shutters down my spine ~ let alone the chunk of change they would take out for medical insurance ~ that is provided you could even find a job that offered such?

 

At the very least you should hang tough, and get back into school and learn a trade that could support you and your children with. (Think the medical field ~ with a HS diploma and two years in a community college you could become an X-Ray tech.)

 

Personally from your description of the situation? I believe the DH is just ignorant (as in "just doesn't know any better) lacks the experience, knowledge etc to make a marriage work with you or any other woman,

 

BTW ~ most men fit the same category ~ just totally freaking clueless ~ so if you leave the Big Lug ~ your more than likely, eventually going to end up with more of the same.

 

Your best bet would be to grab him by the ears, stare him eye-ball to eye-ball, and tell him"

 

"Me woman! You Man! Me understand relationships and relationship issues! You DON'T! Me teach you how to love and treat woman! Me teach your big dumb ass how to meet my emotional, security needs! Me teach you how to love woman you love ~ or woman you love going to leave your 'happy @ss and take children and half your stuff you work so hard on barge and so proud of! Me also take 25 -30% of net income or more in child support and alimony!'

 

You've got to sit him down, (do it with a impartial third party around if need be) and use direct language (spell it out to him as though he were a four year old) and lay it out on the line to him. (He's not allow so much as a 'yea but' while your doing so.

 

You and he are going to have to make getting educated about how to make a marriage work, and that means doing some reading ~ and going on the Internet to such forums a LS and learning! Learning and acquiring the skills that you need to make a marriage/relationship work.

 

And if you don't do so, your going to end up at the nursing home talking about your first, second, third or fourth X spouse? (Personally ONCE was more than enough to get me to quit being a fool and get back into school! This s*** hurts! I don't think a man can really properly call himself a MAN, until he's had his heart good and properly broken by a woman! You survive that s*** YOUR A MAN!)

[Chessy02]

I think you are in a delicate situation - a: the fact that you are married twice and now thinking of leaving. Also, the emotional affair you had online could be there is something deep down in you that you haven't resolved and need addressing. Whilst you may consider your 1st marriage toxic, have you addressed the issues that made you terminate that relationship? Did your 2nd husband ever forgive you after the cheating? Probably MC will do the trick. I'm not am expert on these issues but you sure are in the right place.

[Gunny376]

BTW?

 

Should you find yourself divorced?

 

Take the time to learn to adapt, improvise and over-come the loneliness issue, that you've got to have someone in your Life (you don't) that its better to be in an awlful, half-@ss, un-fullfilling relationship than to be single and alone.

 

Its hard to do, especially once you've been in one LTR, but its worth bitting the bullet to learn that you can live your life single and alone and your going to be alright!

 

Don't get involved with someone just to be with someone, to keep from being single and alone, just to be married!

[Gunny376]

I think you are in a delicate situation - a: the fact that you are married twice and now thinking of leaving. Also, the emotional affair you had online could be there is something deep down in you that you haven't resolved and need addressing. Whilst you may consider your 1st marriage toxic, have you addressed the issues that made you terminate that relationship? Did your 2nd husband ever forgive you after the cheating? Probably MC will do the trick. I'm not am expert on these issues but you sure are in the right place.

 

Your also a "re-bounder" as I was. Quit re-bounding from one relationship to another! I've been re-bounding all of my life until I woke up to it and refused to do it anymore.

 

One of the most empowering things you can do in Life is get to the point in your life where you can tell someone else, "You know what? I don't need you nor your BS! "GOODBYE!" (Said with the same tone as on TV)

[Sassa]

Ty guys very much for your replies!

 

Ok to dig into some of the things you guys mentioned:

 

You mentioned that your DH's job opportunities were limited due to his education level? What might that be if I may ask? And what might yours be?

I ask because if there's a wide gap between the two of you, then your problems may be insurmountable.

 

He dropped out of high school, as did I but i returned to school when our son was about 2 for Information Systems certificate and am now back in school to bump that to an associates and eventually a BA.

 

I often wonder if we somewhere along the lines took a different path intellectually as well as personally, because I think there are times that he resents the fact that I've gone back to school and upgraded myself.

 

Wouldn't that go away were you to divorce? And, what you be your job prospects in your geographical area were you to divorce as a single mother with two young children. The cost of day-care alone sends shutters down my spine ~ let alone the chunk of change they would take out for medical insurance ~ that is provided you could even find a job that offered such?

 

Both of my boys are school aged and I live fairly close to my mom. I know that my x-husband would put our child on his insurance and that my current husband would keep our son on his insurance, and yes i know that would leave me without, but thats why i went back to school. As far as child care goes.. thankfully I have never really had to bang my head on the wall with that issue.

 

Chessy02 Also, the emotional affair you had online could be there is something deep down in you that you haven't resolved and need addressing. Whilst you may consider your 1st marriage toxic, have you addressed the issues that made you terminate that relationship? Did your 2nd husband ever forgive you after the cheating? Probably MC will do the trick.

 

My 1st marriage split because it came down to us being equally miserable ALL the time. In honesty, we should have never gotten married and had it not been for my getting pregnant and his devout catholic family flipping out and not only insisting but practically taking control and planning it.. it would have never happened. Thankfully my xh and i are now great friends and we've hashed out what made things so toxic. I couldnt be happier for him and his new marriage

 

As far as addressing the emotional affair.. there isnt a day that goes by that i dont hate myself a little for it. I knew it was wrong when it started, and i wouldnt have blamed hubby for taking off when he found out. There were so many things that built up to it actually happening though, or rather my ability to justify it happening, that had he actually just said you know what.. forget it.. i would have been hurt but probably a little relieved too sad huh?

 

As far as marriage counsiling goes.. he's rather like talking to the dog. I get the look like he is actually listening but he always leaves me with the idea that maybe it all went straight over his head and it really pisses me off. I've asked him to do MC and he tells me he thinks he's incapable of talking to strangers about our relationship. He flips when knows i've vented to my mother.. about anything.

 

Your also a "re-bounder" as I was. Quit re-bounding from one relationship to another! I've been re-bounding all of my life until I woke up to it and refused to do it anymore.

 

Take the time to learn to adapt, improvise and over-come the loneliness issue, that you've got to have someone in your Life (you don't) that its better to be in an awlful, half-@ss, un-fullfilling relationship than to be single and alone.

 

I completely agree. And i know its hugely responsible for some of the turmoil that is going on now. I had no clue who i was or what i wanted then.. fresh out of a LTR with xh.. and when i met my now husband, i just wanted to have a good time but somehow it turned into survival i guess. By the time i was like "Oh shi~ what did i do?" I was knee high in it and was like .. welp now i HAVE to make it work!

 

I dont want to leave to be with someone else.. i mean eventually i want that connection with someone else.. but i crave to know me first. Really know 'me.' As it stands right now, if i were to become single again.. i would NEVER get married again.

[Gunny376]

One of the GREATEST QUOTES I'VE EVER HEARD?

"90% OF WHAT WE WORRY ABOUT?

NEVER HAPPENS!

The other 10%?

We NEVER see it coming!

[Sassa]

If only it were that easy to not freak and worry

[Gunny376]

I dont want to leave to be with someone else.. I mean eventually I want that connection with someone else.. but I crave to know me first. Really know 'me.' As it stands right now, if i were to become single again.. i would NEVER get married again.

 

You've a Snowball's chance in Hell until you've faced that demon! Until you've come face to face with yourself, your faults, your shortcomings, your downfalls you've zero chance with yourself ~ let alone with anyone else! Until you come to terms with being 'human" you've got nothing!

 

Only once you've been broken as a human being? Can you become an angle!

[Sassa]

I was talking with a friend last night about how being in a bad relationship effects your children later on in their lives. I dont want my boys growing up never seeing the love that should be shared between the adults in their lives. No matter what happened when i was a child, my parents were always affectionate.

 

I also think i am doing a dis-service to my kids by living a lie or staying where i am not happy. What does that teach them exactly.

 

I find myself confused more often than not because l some days are better than others.. and its only when i've hit my limit that im ready to walk. Should i wait until i absolutely can not stand it anymore or go now?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

i am doing a dis-service to my kids by living a lie or staying where i am not happy. What does that teach them exactly.

 

This is the BS excuse that many spouses who abandon their marriage use...

[Sassa]

You know, normally i'd agree with you but considering the fact that I spend about 60% of my time completely alone.. im not so sure

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You know, normally i'd agree with you but considering the fact that I spend about 60% of my time completely alone.. im not so sure

 

I can certainly see the dysfunction in a relationship where the husband elects to take a job where he is isolated from his wife 30 days at a time, and does not even discuss this with his wife before doing so...

 

There are two sides to every story, and I am sure you have issues too (the infidelity mentioned in your first post, among others). But the goal should somehow be to get together as a team, to make things work, etc.

 

Justifying your decision to move on should be the furthest thing from your mind right now...