Is there really a "one"?

[sveltskye]

Ok, so I'm in a little of a philosophical mood, so I'm gonna wax a little that way in this post, just to warn you. But I find it really impossible to not really relate specific relationship questions to philosophical questions about love and life, because ultimately, I think that when we're asking whether someone is right or wrong or something is gonna work, underneath we're really asking questions about the nature of love and life in general. I was reading this book on the philosophy of love because I was kind of trying to get some insight on my life and my patterns of attachment and stuff. I know, I know, its seems kind of pointless to try and figure that kind of stuff out, but it makes me feel better to try sometimes. And that's one of the points that the book makes- that its hard to reason love, that its not based on the intrinsic value of a person like some have reasoned but that a person gains value in our eyes *because* of our love for them. And that sometimes one can decide whether or not to love, but other times it is virtually impossible.

I've always had trouble believing that there is one person out there for another person. I think there are so many possibilities for how a particular life can go, and I've always had a really hard time about the way that people view things when things go south with a couple. I'm not saying that every couple should stay together, not in the least! (especially when there's abuse or servere dysfunctionality involved). But it seems like people devalue the signficance of a relationship or what a certain partner represented to them. I find that this comes out most clearly with the "they just weren't the right one" reasoning. I think that love is more complex than that- I don't believe that there's one magical person who will make everything better for you, but that you have always be working on yourself so that you can take the other person for whom they are. And that means trying to better yourself as you go, but also accepting yourself for whom you are at the moment. I don't feel like a person I dated in the past was a lost cause or that there was no potential there. I don't think that they weren't "the one", I just think that they weren't the one at that time, and that they (or I) weighed the options and chose to give up on the situation. And that is a perfectly legitimate thing to choose. But IMO it doesn't mean that they weren't *the* person... I mean, what does that mean anyways? We're all people, and yes some people find it easier off of the bat, but I bet some have challenges for a long time but resolve them before it becomes not worth the struggle. And how can "the one" reasoning stand up when you consider two people who date, break up, and then date again? They were the one, then weren't, then were again? The thing is that love is not a means to an end, and the person who's most important in someone's life at the moment is subject to change.

Does any of this make sense? Its not so much that I'm trying to burst the bubble that love can be true and real, I very much believe that. It just that the idea that a couple- or just an individual for that matter- cannot change and grow if they want that offends me. Its not that every relationship is going to work out, obviously that's not true, but just because a relationship ended does not mean that it had no potential to me.

[wierdmunky]

Well, I'm in no place to give advice because I'm always on here asking for it and what other people think, but I'm still looking for the "one" but to me that just means someone else who is on that same wavelength with me. I know people always grow and change, but to me that one is going to have the same goals and wants in a marriage that I do. Like I still think that a marriage is stronger when both people know that it is a total conscious decision to keep making the relationship work because you want to. The one is still someone I choose but it's not really magical..

[peteyj]

I don't think anybody should look at it as 'the one' but at the same time I think we've become a country, maybe a world, where people think they can do whatever they want and never suffer any consequences. Many people who cheat seem to like to turn it around. Many people who are in the wrong seem to have this knack for not taking responsibility. It's not just relationships. It's in everything we do. Yeah human beings have always been corrupt in one form or another since the beginning of time but there always seemed to be a few who tried to stand their ground. These days it seems everybody is out for themselves except when **** hits the fan they wonder why nobody has their back.

 

I was watching the masters today and the one guy lives in a small town, could move, married the girl he met in 8th grade, and now at like 48 years old, seems to be happy even though he blew the damn tournament in the end. But that got me thinking. They've been together for like almost 40 years. I'm sure there were troubling times, difficult times and maybe one did something they shouldn't have at one point but sometimes people stick together because it's worth it. These days it seems a lot of people run for the trees as soon as things get difficult. Jobs, relationships, families, kids, etc. Parents dump their kids in trash cans or shake them or dump them or leave them. Significant others run into somebody elses arms. People quit their jobs. And many times it seems people have become lazy and unaccustomed to actually working for anything. Everything doesn't come easy...Just seems a lot of people watch too much tv and think everything should either be drama filled bull or easy. Life isn't easy and neither are relationships.