wildsoul Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Al-Anon helped me a lot. I was an Al-Anon member for many years. Great. Then you might try finding a Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous meeting. There are PLENTY of people there because of affairs, so you won't have to worry about any judgement. But then you can also start to apply the 12-steps to sorting out your love life. I went there for many years, but wasn't in program when I met MM. Duh! Although I did start going again last year while I was trying to keep my head on straight while dating him. They have online and phone meetings now too, though I liked the in person ones better.
fooled once Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 How has he been so supportive and loving and blah,blah, blah? You live in 2 different worlds. He lives in his world with his wife and child. They do family things (dinner, trick or treating, decorating the Christmas tree, homework, etc). He and his wife talk over their days, share stories of the child, grocery shop, take care of each other when they are sick, share household chores, and ---- sleep together in bed each night. They kiss hello and goodbye each day. They share a life. You sit in your country wondering when he is going to leave his wife and have sex with your former boyfriend. If I were you, I would quit thinking he is going to throw his wife and child/children away for someone he has a phone/email relationship with. Do you expect him to leave this country and move to your country where he will never get to see his child? Do you think he will bring you here and marry you?
theycallmeprincess Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 It does say discussion, does it not? It didn't say we had to support. And as for as bitterness and resentment, so over it, you have no idea:laugh:. That's usually the card an AP pulls out when they don't like the reflection in the mirror. :laugh:Maybe there are some things you need to work on, oh wait a minute, you said that in your original post, my bad. It says support AND discussion, not support OR discussion.
bentnotbroken Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 It says support AND discussion, not support OR discussion. I choose to support with the truth without the fluff.
theycallmeprincess Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I choose to support with the truth without the fluff. Tact, diplomacy, empathy and compassion does not equal fluff. If you have differing views and opinions, it is possible to express these without being rude, shallow and disrespectful, yet most of your posts sound all the same, like a broken record of a terrible song that plays over and over again.
bentnotbroken Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Tact, diplomacy, empathy and compassion does not equal fluff. If you have differing views and opinions, it is possible to express these without being rude, shallow and disrespectful, yet most of your posts sound all the same, like a broken record of a terrible song that plays over and over again. You are more than welcome to change the station, or put in earplugs:)
2sure Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Divorce is very common in the US. In fact, more than half of all marriages end in divorce - so it is nearly the "norm". All you have to do is want one, and file the paperwork. It doesnt even take very long depending on what state you file in. As to the children - our county, like yours - often gives joint custody to both parents. So although all of the above is the same in both his country and yours... Sadly, in any country, any culture...many people who have affairs simply want BOTH. It sounds as though your MM and yourself have different ideas of where your relationship is going. You would like it to be an open relationship and he prefers, for reasons of his own, to keep you secret. He may prefer to keep you secret because he fears his wife will find out and want to divorce him...which is not what he wants.
Author Shadowcat Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 I was under the impression that the MM/MW had less chance of sharing custody of the kids in the US because of the affair. Is this wrong?
Lucky_One Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Yes. Most states don't care about infidelity for legalities. Fitness of parents is much more important. But then again, most infidelity doesn't even make it into the divorce case; most folks keep their affairs as quiet as possible to keep a future with the affair partner more viable. You haven't had a D-Day, and surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to tell her, so why would this be an issue?
wildsoul Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I was under the impression that the MM/MW had less chance of sharing custody of the kids in the US because of the affair. Is this wrong? It's assumed shared custody unless one of the spouses tries to prove the other is an unfit parent. Custody battles will often happen when a cheating spouse drags out the affair, continually lying to the betrayed spouse, and then when the betrayed spouse finds out--they are really mad and wanting revenge. Plus, think about it honestly for a minute: if a cheating spouse really does a big number on the betrayed spouse, it DOES show that they have some character flaws that might reflect poorly on them as a parent. A more mature person would have asked for a divorce and tried to keep the drama to a minimum. If the MP asks for a divorce SOON, and the A hasn't been discovered yet, then it's going to be even easier. See Shadowcat? You are more correct, not just in your country, but also here. People don't get too upset if there was an affair that led to a divorce, AS LONG as the affair lasted only briefly because the married person made a decision. You keep getting caught up imagining that there are cultural differences because your MM is misleading you in order to justify why he won't ask for a divorce. He is hiding behind a "bullet-proof" excuse: that he'll lose his kids. This plays on your sympathies. Sorry to be blunt, but men do what they WANT to. If he's not leaving, it's because he doesn't want to. And if you'll stay in the affair, then there is even less motivation for him to do so. He is not changing his mind. Instead, he is trying to get you to change YOURS. So far, that's been working. Except that it seems you might be wising up now. You're here, talking with all of us who've been through it already. Have you noticed how nearly ALL the stories are the same, more or less? Every single one of us came here thinking OUR relationship was unique. Then the denial wears off as we realize it isn't. These MM's are really predictable. Your MM is predictable too. The stuff he is telling you is classic manipulation to get you to stay in the affair and not push him to leave.
Author Shadowcat Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 I checked the divorce statistics for my country and MM's denomination in the US. My country: 55% MM's denomination: 21% Thereof the culture crash.
Author Shadowcat Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Wildsoul, I posted the above post before reading your input. Will have to think about it for a while. Just wanted to let you know.
wildsoul Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I checked the divorce statistics for my country and MM's denomination in the US. My country: 55% MM's denomination: 21% Thereof the culture crash. That's a religious distinction then, not really one about secular culture. But you STILL do not get the point! He is using this whole cultural difference thing as an EXCUSE. Or if he isn't, then YOU are. It's totally allowing you to stay stuck. I'm never mentioning it again. You're not ready to hear it. You still want to believe the reasons why you SHOULD stay in the affair, more than you're ready to look at the reasons why NOT. But fair enough. You did say that in your first post. It's not my place to convince you. You'll look at the possiblity of changing the dynamic when the pain of staying IN it seems greater than the pain of ending it. I was an active member of this forum for 6 months before I was at the place of being "done." You just joined. Sorry for pushing you faster than you're ready.
wildsoul Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Wildsoul, I posted the above post before reading your input. Will have to think about it for a while. Just wanted to let you know. I understand. It's a lot to get your head around. I just hope you see that I'm pointing out that YOUR take on "if the MP makes a decision soon, it's considered more acceptable," is the CORRECT one, in this country as well as your own. Your English skills are excellent. You might try searching here for the slang expression "gas lighting." It describes how MP can twist things around and convince the OW/M to accept a different version of reality. You seem like a very intelligent woman. Yet when emotions are mixed in, even the smartest people can become manipulated and confused. And remember, people who cheat MUST get good at manipulating their spouses reality so as to not get caught. They also must get good at convincing a reluctant affair partner to stay.
jj33 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Shadowcat Im not sure what you are looking for. Everyone here is giving you good advice. If MM is telling you that he cant do it because of his kids, that is THE number one universal excuse that cake eaters give - I love you I want you but you cant expect me to leave my children, what kind of man would I be? This excuse knows no boundaries and cuts across all religions and cultures and is made in an attempt to get the OW to say oh darling you are such a saint of course I will stay with you until your children grow up or until you change your mind... Others have told you the score on custody - again not an excuse unless he is otherwise an unfit father. And as for taking the children to his country - good luck on that one... there are laws against that unless his W agrees. Its called child abduction. With respect to his religion, that is another story but if he comes from a traditional culture, you have to assume there is more opportunity to divorce in the US with its 50% divorce rate than anywhere else. If hes not taking the opportunity in the USA its because of his culture (or another convenient excuse) not because he lives in the US. And just for the record, all these men who say I couldnt divorce its against my religion... are feeding the OW a line. Their God is likely to look at least as badly on adultery. So then the religion argument goes out the window too. As I said originally, you have a choice hang in there and be the OW, or walk. Sadly no matter what the reason what the circumstances there is no inbetween. If he wants a life with you, he will change his circumstances. As much as you dont feel like you hold the power here, you do.
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