jenny Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 i've been casually dating this fellow for several weeks - more as just friends - no sex but some cuddling. there is a limited amount of chemistry and i don't view it as having long term potential as of yet. we both date other people. it's a seinfeld kind of thing, is the best way i can think to explain it. i really like him as a person and being around him makes me want to be a better person. i'm wondering how to handle something. he *despises* my friends. it's growing awkward and tiring keeping everyone apart, particularly since we're all lumped in together here. he would like to move in and pay what my three boarders now pay in november or december. <and they would move out> to be honest, i am very tired of the constant crowd here and always want to escape to the point of being antisocial. i think i'm getting old. but i'm not sure how wise this is. we get on famously together, but i don't know how that will translate to a living situation. any hints or suggestions?
2SidestoStories Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 Methinks this is one big fat gigantic red flag. If you get along famously but do not see long-term potential, I would most definitely make this absolutely clear to him RIGHT NOW! Of course, I could just be overreacting
moimeme Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 Yep. Don't do it. People can look great at the beginning - then you find out the bad stuff. It's always tempting to take an easy escape but this doesn't sound good to me. He doesn't want your friends around and wants to move in even though you are not a committed pair or even close. My 'controlling meter' is going off even at this great distance. How will this play out - you'll have to forbid your friends from coming to the house? Girl, I would definitely not do it. Find one wealthier female boarder if you want to change your living situation.
Author jenny Posted October 15, 2003 Author Posted October 15, 2003 wow, thanks guys! that was quick and insightful! one of my patterns is definitely with controlling men - my ex-es were all great, kind, and brilliant guys, but all of them had some weird control stuff, which means i am the common factor. i don't even know i'm doing it, but i must be. i'm actually pretty stupid about this stuff - it only occured to me there might be a systemic problem one night when we <an ex and i> left in the middle of madame butterfly because he hated my dress. i didn't even think of this as that kind of situation; but i think i see it now. he's not terribly fond of my family either, though they live far enough away that the problem does not arise often. when they visited this summer, my dad and he just locked horns like crazy, i couldn't figure out why. i have told him that we're not long term compatible, but he just kind of chuckled at me, so i presumes he feels the same way. he would have his own part of the house, so i suppose it could work out if we had enough rules and regulations, and if i'm aware of some of this control stuff...anything else to watch out for? p.s. moimeme, i really appreciate you continuing to help even though i was such an idiot about the other thing; you're just awesome!
2SidestoStories Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 Even were he to have a completely separate part of the house, I still think this is a bad situation to put yourself into. How long have you known him? You said you've been casually dating for several weeks; have you any prior knowledge of him previous to the casual dating? Again, it could be my own personal tribulations influencing me to feel so very strong about this, but the patterns are awfully similar to my own situations' beginnings. <shudder> I'm sorry...I really don't mean to sound paranoid.
midori Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 Originally posted by jenny i didn't even think of this as that kind of situation; but i think i see it now. he's not terribly fond of my family either, though they live far enough away that the problem does not arise often. when they visited this summer, my dad and he just locked horns like crazy, i couldn't figure out why. i have told him that we're not long term compatible, but he just kind of chuckled at me, so i presumes he feels the same way. First of all, you've only been seeing each other for a couple of months but he's developed an active aversion to your friends AND your family? Strange that he should like you since he doesn't like the people you've chosen to surround yourself with. Strange too (and obnoxious) that he made his dislike of your family apparent to you -- since, as you say, you don't spend much time with them. And that chuckle doesn't sit too well either. If someone I was dating told me that he didn't think we were compatible long-term, I'd finish things then and there. What's he sticking around for -- does he think you'll eventually change your mind? Moving in with a controlling guy who doesn't like your friends and thinks he knows what's best for you -- yikes. Scary prospect. I like moimeme's idea of finding a boarder who can pay more rent so that you can get rid of the crowd in your house.
moimeme Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 he would have his own part of the house, so i suppose it could work out if we had enough rules and regulations, and if i'm aware of some of this control stuff...anything else to watch out for? OK. This guy is possibly controlling and you think you can establish rules that he will follow? Jenny, honestly, is this realistic? I'm with Midori on the chuckle, too. I'd have loved to have seen into his eyes when he did that. It could well have been the chuckle of 'sure thing, kid. You'll change your tune'. p.s. moimeme, i really appreciate you continuing to help even though i was such an idiot about the other thing; you're just awesome! You weren't an idiot about anything. Heavens, girl! I think you need to delve inside yourself and see why this guy's offer sounds so good to you that you are considering it Have you got some sort of subtle desire to try to tame this one or something? It's not making sense to me in light of all you've told us. Is oxcytocin trying to rule here? You said there's a limited amount of chemistry and i don't view it as having long term potential as of yet. Sounds to me as though you may well hope for more. Could something subconscious be wanting you to get him close enough that maybe things will change? i really like him as a person and being around him makes me want to be a better person. This is the sort of thing one says about someone one has a great deal of regard for. You know that controllers have both really good and really bad characteristics to their personalities, right? I think you need lots more time to get to know this person before you toss your boarders and move him in. Presumably, this remains an option that can be exercised at any time. Anyway, where is he living? Has he his own apartment, job, car?
Author jenny Posted October 15, 2003 Author Posted October 15, 2003 no, it's good to think about completely, i have to make a decision by next week. thanks so much beth - i fall into things a lot, without thinking, and it has always worked out for the best but that does not mean it will continue to do so. it's vital to get different perspectives on things. i've known him for quite awhile - about eleven months? we just started hanging out more and more recently; <we're planning an xmas charity thing together> i was not even sure we were dating until he wanted to stay over and got mad that so many guys are around here. this is partly my fault - i tease, i get carried away, i think it's horribly fun to joke about being promiscuous on a mythical level, but he is less amused; and understandably so. this is going to sound very strange, and i hope i get questioned for it - but my pattern is such that i tend to see the influence of this kind of person in my life as a good thing - because of my exes, i'm great with money, i'm a good cook, i exercise more, etc. i guess i'm probably hoping i can pick up some of his habits of living <he is an amazingly well disciplined person; and i will loll in bed till noon and giggle, given my druthers> as well as getting more privacy. i guess i also think i'm safe because i'm not in love with him and i'm not that attracted to him, nor do i think he's all that attracted to me. he likes me, as a person, but i know for a fact my sloth and lack of scientific background/knowledge drive him nuts. thanks again, cheers, j p.s. o! just finished reading new posts. right now he's living with two guys who drink a lot and er..carouse often. he's looking to find something more stable as well. i think waiting at least another month is a great idea though, i can work with what i've got at least that long and start seeking someone else to room with.
Clancy Posted October 16, 2003 Posted October 16, 2003 Jenny, this does not sound at all good. And based on what I've learned from reading your posts in the past and the advice you've given others, you would not recommend this fellow to others either. Recall Jenny, that Seinfeld things are generally highly warped things that do not usually end well for anyone.
ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 16, 2003 Posted October 16, 2003 If he lives with you and despises your friends and family, I guess they won't be coming around very often. Before long, Mr. Controller will be all you have left. Don't do it, with a capital D. How about putting some energy into correcting your current living situation? Yes, you could find a new third party boarder, set some ground rules about noise or parties, or just ask your roomies for some space and peace.
Author jenny Posted October 22, 2003 Author Posted October 22, 2003 just an update: i talked to him about all this, and he agreed with a number of things mentioned on this forum. he is dating another girl more seriously now - i have not met her but she sounds lovely and fun! - so he thinks the question of us would be now moot. if the idea of romance is removed, i would not mind living with him. he's terribly enjoyable and smart <as well as exemplifying good roomate criteria> and i think if he is otherwise engaged i would not have to worry about the intrusion. the house is such that two people living in it could never meet, or only rarely so while using the kitchen or library. the presence of another invested girl is always enough to make me strict and strong, ethically, so no worries here and i think no worries from him either. any thoughts? am i still being naive? now it matters squat what he thinks of my freinds or family; i am not invested in his opinion.
Author jenny Posted October 22, 2003 Author Posted October 22, 2003 sorry - one more thing - there is someone i am getting slightly hung up on as well; he knows it and does not care; which is good, i'm assuming. he makes fun of me non-stop for it, which in our culture indicates acceptance. i think.
moimeme Posted October 22, 2003 Posted October 22, 2003 A whole bunch of us have suggested your plan is unwise. Controllers can be charming and enjoyable - else they would not find victims to control. However, it is clear that you intend to go ahead. We'll be here to gripe to when he turns into a royal pain to live with.
Author jenny Posted October 22, 2003 Author Posted October 22, 2003 it's new information. if this is another commonly known tactic, i'd like to know it. i'm not sure i'm going ahead; and i am not deaf to new information from others.
moimeme Posted October 22, 2003 Posted October 22, 2003 Then I stand corrected. It only seems as though your response to the suggestions so far has been to come up with more reasons to go forth. Obviously, though, we are not party to the whole thinking process. I said what I said based on what I've seen is all.
Author jenny Posted October 22, 2003 Author Posted October 22, 2003 the thing is, those of us who have never really been hurt by the controllers do not stand on defense to them - do you know what i mean? i don't even know what to look for in a person who might hurt me, but there is something about this situation, intuition, i expect, that is making me think i should learn. when i give the situations, i am presenting them as he does, logically. but i sense there is something i'm missing somehow. one of the end results of being overly protected and loved is that one is obtuse to what *could* happen - and i think you guys know what could happen. i have been lucky so far; i should like to remain so. i know in advance i'm kind of stupid about this stuff. but when i see behaviour A predicted here, and then it occurs, it seems to me to be evidence of premise X. do you see what i mean? i sense you are worried i'm self-indulging and just want to talk about this guy. but this is not so, i think i'm dumb and vulnerable here and this is the only way i know to gain knowledge about this stuff. i would never, ever, ever, want to judge a man unfairly as a controller. my mom often does this to my dad in fits of hysteria, and i will not have it. so i am looking for objective crieria that i can observe and test...
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