nama Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I really want things to change in my life but nothing happens. I've been told I don't want it enough thats why its not happening. I'm one of those fools (honestly, not being harsh on myself) who keeps repeating the same bad behaviours and habits even though I know they are wrong. Change only ever happens for me when I hit rock bottom - when I hit a bad low and believe that I can't go on living. I guess I'm looking for an easy way out - but why do I have to hit rock bottom to change? Why do people never learn????????????????????????
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Change begins with your mind. As Henry Ford said: "Whether you think you can,or whether you think you cannot - you are right." The problem is that you are too attached to wanting things to be a certain way. You cannot always control events. But you can always control your response to them. you need to let go and relax.
lino Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 can you elaborate a bit more about what it is that you want to change?
GorillaTheater Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Without knowing what you're wrestling with, I understand exactly what you're talking about. I don't know that I had to necessarily hit rock bottom before I changed, but I definitely needed some harsh consequences before I got my act together, whether it was depression, relating to my wife and kids, my health, or sloppy thinking in general. After taking punches for far too long, I finally got to the point where I decided to be alot more proactive in dealing with the issue of the day. I finally got tired of taking unnecessary punches, and set out to "man up" in ALL aspects of my life, not just two-thirds or so (and that's probably being too generous to myself). I hope you can there too without too much more pummeling.
Author nama Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Change begins with your mind. As Henry Ford said: "Whether you think you can,or whether you think you cannot - you are right." The problem is that you are too attached to wanting things to be a certain way. You cannot always control events. But you can always control your response to them. you need to let go and relax. Thank you for your comments. This rings very true with me. I'm trying to change various habits all at the same time. I feel as though they control me. There is this horrible 'resistance' which takes place in my head. Like an internal battle - constantly. I just let the battle take place with no outcome. Because I fail to change these habits (which one could state as being medium habits e.g. procrastination) I just class myself off as a failure and almost become a child and think 'can't do it so won't do it'. Therefore no change. I'm so fixated on changing things (as I'm not happy with my life) that this is controlling my life. The behaviours I'm talking about are mainly about getting things done and my negativity. All the regular 'solutions' e.g. make lists etc do not work with me. It is when I feel really low, thats when I 'switch' and realise I cannot go on like this. I've started to see a psychotherapist about the behaviours I want to change. She hasn't said anything that has made sense so far.
Ronni_W Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I've started to see a psychotherapist about the behaviours I want to change. She hasn't said anything that has made sense so far. Congrats on taking that step! How many sessions have you had? If more than 4, then it's possible she's not the best match for what you need -- trust your own instincts and intuition. You can also let her know that you're not gaining too much from how the sessions are being conducted, and would she mind trying a different method or approach. If she comes across like, "I'm the professional; I know what I'm doing; Just trust me" then, again, she might not be the best match for your needs, preferences and 'style' -- you're paying her, she needs to keep in mind what will work best for you and, if the techniques that she uses don't bring about your insights and growth...well, that's not in your best interest. You obviously have the desire and determination to make the changes that you want for yourself, and that's more than half the battle. Best of luck.
2sunny Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 just do the completely different action than you're used to doing. that will get you a different result every time. worked wonders for me in every area of my life! all for the better.
sjml251 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 OK - couple of things to say on this one, I'll start with the hitting rock bottom part. I have a great life coach/therapist I'm seeing right now and he and I recently went over the hitting rock bottom as a catayst for change topic - he explained it like this: Imagine that you are like a strong but sort of fragile ball that has been dropped. When the ball hits the ground, it cracks open and there is a letting go as the seams separate, an opening, a rawness that wasn't there before becomes almost like a vortex of change that is available to you. Over time, the wound of that crack heals - but before that happens, change happens through the opening and there is a complete inability to be anything but authentic - which makes you vulnerable and open to change - which in itself results in real change. Once the wound finally heals - we are back to being the strong ball again, that opening has been closed up and change becomes more difficult and seemingly less necessary (as there is no actual wound or crack making us notice that change is necessary) I'm sure I hacked that up a little but hopefully it translates - point being.....there is no question that rock bottom results in serious change. That being said - since you are in control of your own life and truly hold power over pretty much every component of your life - you can take control of your life and create any kind of life you want without hitting rock bottom. Take it one step at a time - think through the list of things that are stressing/bumming you out and pick out the one thing on that list that causes you the most stress......make a commitment to yourself to focus on changing just that one thing - commit to a day, a week, a month - however small or big of a step you can actually take on and absolutely commit to - and do it.....make that one change - if you flail or trip up, don't look at it as anything but that and just keep moving forward with the commited change. Repeat this process as many times as it takes until you've created the life that you want. Move, quit your job and get a new one, take up a new hobby you've always wanted to try, whatever you want! You totally deserve the life that you want but you have to make it happen - it's up to you. Try to focus your energies on things that make you feel happy, empowered, and motivated - ditch the stuff that is sapping your life energy - whatever it is (work, school, job, smoking, etc.) Also, I recently read that procrastination may not be laziness or failure but instead a symptom of being a perfectionist.....based on the other comments you made about being a failure and the "can't do it so won't do it" thing that's going on, I am wondering if this might be what is going on for you. I bet you can do it - maybe you just have a fear that you can't do it perfectly or that you might fail. I can say from personal experience - if you set it up for failure up front, and then failure (which was inevitable), it sometimes seems easier than putting in real effort, really trying and then not getting it perfect or possibly failing - because then what would that mean? Well, it doesn't mean anything. You don't have to be perfect, it's ok to fail (we all do) - the important thing is loving yourself anyway - accepting your humanness, embracing it. Knowing that you are perfect the way you are and recognizing that you are simply growing - going through the stages and developments of your life.....you wouldn't expect a two year old to read and write - well, whether your 2, 22, 52, 102 - you're still growing and learning all kinds of stuff. Envision and then create, one step at a time, the life you want - be open to change, you don't need to be afraid - change is scary because we have to leave behind things we know but change is amazing because it allows us to move towards things we want. Last but not least, negativity breeds self worth issues, which in turn make it hard to get things done, which breeds more self worth issues, breeding more negativity.......it's all just a vicious back and forth cycle with each component further fueling the others. Take some deep breathes, recognize this cycle, and get out of it. Take a trip, do some volunteer work with an animal shelter, take a class on a subject you're really interested in, whatever - the important thing is to get out of this cycle, out of your head, and out in the world intereacting with stuff you want to be involved in - seriously ditch the stuff that is breeding such negativity in your life....you've got to flip the switch here - maybe you procrastinate getting work done not because you're a failure but because you actually don't really like your job - your motivation isn't actually the problem, your job is the problem....getting a job you like that inspires and motivates you would probably solve the procrastination problem. This is just an example as I don't know the ins and outs of your situation but it's just some food for thought. Considering how much I've rambled on here, I hope at least something in my reply can help in some way - Good luck!
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 It's good you're seeing someone about this..But, if what she is saying isn't making sense, then maybe she is the wrong therapist for you. Sometimes it takes afew different experiences with various T's (therapists) to find the right person to talk to and trust. Bottomline is this, if you are willing to work hard and truly want to change your behaviour, thinking patterns, to make better choices to make you happier, then therapy will be wonderful. It IS hard work and what you put into therapy is what you get out of it.
mental_traveller Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 All habits can be changed, however it has to be done by replacing them with new habits. You cannot chance a habit and keep it changed for the long-term, by pure willpower alone. It is much, much harder to do something with pure willpower, than to do it because it's become a habit for you to do it. That's why dieting, giving up smoking etc are so difficult. Basically you have to replace the destructive habit with a positive one, and use willpower/motivation to do it daily for 2-3 months. It is much harder if you only do it ever other day, or less often. After 2-3 months, that's long enough for it to become a habit, and then it's much easier to sustain. You will however get urges to relapse. You must fight these because relapsing for more than a day or two means you will go back to the old habit. This is my experience with breaking & changing habits.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 If you're trying to change a bunch of things at once, you're going to get (understandably) frustrated and quit. Start with one. You mentioned procrastination. You can procrastinate on a bunch of different things. Some of them don't mean a thing whether they get done or not. Some can be disastrous if not done. Start with a disastrous one, like paying bills. Master that, then move on to the next.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I think if often can take hitting the very bottom to bring about change but not necessarily. Habits become engrained, thoughts and emotions can also. It is difficult sometimes to recognise or break the cycles, especially as they are familiar and comforting.
Meaplus3 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 If you put your mind to it you can change. It's mind work but can be done. No, I do not think you need to hit rock bottm first. You can simply make the decesion to enforce change yourself, or seek some help from a therapist. Mea:)
TaraMaiden Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 It is a pity nama has not managed to return. This is a very good thread, because I think many of us are speaking from experience..... some very good and kind counselling here. _/l\_
Author nama Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Thanks guys for your replies! I have been reading them but haven't had a chance to reply until now. The last couple of days have been good. I guess its a mixture of me being in a more positive mind frame and seeing my psychotherapist. But with me there are various issues that lead me to hit rock bottom; 1. I do not look after myself - I skip breakfast, do not feed my body with the right nutrients. I teach - so this is especially bad taking into account what I do 5 days a week 2. I have a very quick mind - my mind is forever analysing/ thinking etc it never stops and this has played a major factor. When I go to bed I will without fail have weird and draining dreams. I wake up not refreshed. I have been told that this happens as I do not process my thoughts during the day - my brain does it at night because I never take 'time out'. 3. I repeat bad habits (which I was talking about before) and this stresses me out because I always believe I'm working in a vicious circle. I will never break through. 4. I do not know how to relax - i genuinely dont know how to do this. I have tried exercise (which helps a little) and meditation which I am still trying but nothing so far. I have stresses like anyone else but I feel my stresses/ bad habits run my life and I just flow with it. I feel as though I'm not in control. Its like my mind is trying to resist everything. Its so powerful. Its been going on for so long. This is when I hit rock bottoom when I can take no more. But changes for me dont last long. My mind goes back to 'default' mode. My mind is never in now (read Power of Now - did nothing) its everywhere and anywhere. I am very harsh on myself too. I feel like I'm living in a battle zone. So when people say to me chill out/ meditate etc I look at them blankly and say 'yeah I know that, but HOW?'.
TaraMaiden Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 There is a thread on here by a member called Mea, titled "meditate!" I give instructions in there. please read it. And try to find a meditation class, or maybe buy a meditation cd. ask anything you want, I will try to offer some help. I have led meditation classes, so it might prove useful for you.... _/l\_
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