Hating myself Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Hi everyone, I am just having a bad day today. My ex and I got together 4 years ago this week and have been apart for 2 years. I had never been involved with anyone who was married and I learned my lesson the hard way. He is 55 years old and I am 47. He and I worked together and the chemistry was there. Anyway, we started seeing one another when he left his wife and stayed together for 2 years. He had filed for divorce but never was really aggressive to follow thru with it. His family has some major issues-drug addicts and he is an alcoholic,never been involved with one of those, either. He acted like he really wanted to be with me, but early in our relationship he told me he was dead inside and he didn't think he could love me. I had fallen in love with him and I just took a chance and stayed with him. I did everything I could for him and every day I woke up thinking about how I could make his life better. About 2 years ago we had had an argument and I told him to get out of my apartment. We had been living together for a few months. I had a change of heart and we saw each other for a month or two, but he said he didn't want a committment at that time. One day I went to his sister's house(he was living with her). We were intimate that day and I left that afternoon to go out with a friend of mine. I tried to call him for a couple of days and I couldn't get in touch with him. I finally talked to him and he told me that he had been at his wife's house for 2 days(drunk). I asked him if he was moving back home and he said no, it had been a mistake to go to her house. He had just told me the day we were together that he couldn't wait to be divorced. I told him off and we haven't spoken since then. He moved back home the next week and has been there ever since. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. I still miss him every day. I have been to psychiatrists and psychologists and am on anti-depressants. I have hated myself for not being good enough for him to love. I guess I feel like if someone like him couldn't love me, then nobody ever would. I just don't know how to get him out of my heart. I don't talk to anybody about it anymore because they all think I should have been over it a long time ago. I don't see him at work anymore because he has been on a leave of absence for several months for health reasons. How does someone like this mess with a person's mind like this? I loved him more than anything and he just threw me away without a second thought. According to people that we worked with he and his wife have never gotten along. I guess I was just a easy escape and an ego boost for him. I am always questioning myself and wondering what I could have done differently. I haven't been in relationship since then. I am too scared of getting hurt. I have been on the dark side of depression and I don't want to go there again. Well, I just had to vent today. Just lonely, I guess. I wonder all the time if he's happy and if he ever misses me.
LakesideDream Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Hating.. We all have days. I for one have wondered the same things you are. I think it's par for the course. Watch a movie, microwave some popcorn... tomorrow will probably be a lot better. Luck to you,
Reggie Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I'm sure you heard this before. But, alcoholics are seriously messed up people. I need to repeat that because I am not really sure that folks understand this. Many, many alcoholics are personality disordered. These folks will, essentially, kill your soul if you have a relationship with them. It is not surprisong that you are feeling the after effects this far out. These folks are brutal. They lie easily. They manipulate. They steal and cheat. This may not make you feel better, and I am sure you may have also heard this before, but you caught a break that he showed you who he is before further enmeshment, like marriage and a mortgage. Just take your time and try to be open to a new relationship if something looks decent. But, steer clear of married men and CD people. Just hyave hard and fast boundaries that you never break, even if you run into your "soulmate" or whatever. Hang in there. Heartache is some of the worst pain. Time will continue to help you. You may not perceive the progress you have already made as it goes slowly.
Author Hating myself Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Hi, thanks for your replies to my post. I know I sound pathetic. Still hurting after being apart for 2 years. I don't know why I still care. He broke my heart so badly and I just don't know how to get it together anymore. I work for a railroad and just got promoted to locomotive engineer. I was so excited that the first person that I wanted to tell was my ex. He told me a long time ago that he thought that the railroad was no place for a woman, but I proved him wrong. That meant alot to me because he is one of the best workers there and coming from him was a compliment. Anyway, my head knows that I dodged a huge bullet, but my heart still can't get over him. Sure, I can function at my job and every day responsibilities, but I still miss him. His step-son committed suicide a few months ago and my heart just broke for my ex. He had raised the son as his own and had spent thousands of dollars getting him in rehabs for drug abuse and getting him out of jail. My dad committed suicide several years ago and I know the pain that it causes. I just wonder why we, as exes, wonder why they don't want us and if they miss us and all the other stuff. They obviously don't miss us and are going about their lives without us. I can't really blame him because he told me early on in our relationship how he didn't think he could love me, but I chose to take a chance and hope. I just didn't understand because he was the one that came to me and said he wanted a relationship. I asked him several times if he was sure that he wanted to be with me and he said yes. I just felt like I blinked my eyes and missed something there at the end. Why does he tell me that he can't wait to be divorced and go to her house the very same night? I play it over in my head sometimes when I am thinking about things. I guess I should hope he is happy, but I really don't. He really messed with my head. He was never physically abusive to me, but some of the things he said hurt me. I said some hurtful things to him the last time that I talked to him, and I regretted it afterwards. I never wanted to hurt him. Well, I have said enough. I really thank you both for your understanding. I can assure you I will never get involved with a married man or an alcoholic again. I don't have the time or the patience for it. I hope everyone has a very safe and Happy Easter.
wildsoul Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 You really need to get that it's NOT personal. Yes yes, I understand that stings some but try looking at it this way. It's fully established that your ex has a pattern of dependency on alcohol to change the way he feels. He uses an outside source to modify how he feels inside. He used you in this same way. You were an outside source that made him feel better inside. Addicts will use anyone available and lie/cheat to protect their sources of supply. It's a dysfunctional way of being, but you really do need to see that it isn't personal. It's just what addicts do. You on the other hand (assuming you aren't an addict) thought it was a mutual relationship, because for YOU it really was. It's normal to get hurt when your feelings aren't reciprocated. This is where you need to get into acceptance. He wasn't able to love you back like you thought. Painful, but once you really accept that, you're able to move on to finding a better relationship. Don't dwell on "what is he thinking/feeling?" because it doesn't matter! His thoughts/feelings are dysfunctional. When you notice that YOU are feeling lonely, missing him, etc...that's your chance to acknowledge and release your hurt a little bit more. He wasn't what you thought. You fell in love with someone who couldn't love you back. It happens! Just acknowledge it and move on. You'll heal a lot faster by just working your own side of the repair process.
wildsoul Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 PS: Congratulations on your promotion! My dad was an engineer, so I totally understand what a big deal it is to pass your tests. And double-praise for breaking through the gender bias issues. PPS: But please don't date anyone you work with! Wow, but alcoholism and pill-popping are such problems in the railroad industry. Lots of addicts that you'd do best to avoid.
jj33 Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 As WS said its not personal. You are looking at it backwards. As easy as it is to feel if someone so messed up couldnt love you who would its really the opposite. Someone who says they are dead inside and isnt sure they can love anyone isnt able to love anyone. Its not that you are unloveable its that he lacks the capacity to love himself, or anyone else. Maybe that will change one day maybe it wont. Someone who is capable of love would have been overjoyed to be with a woman like you. Dont beat yourself up for not being an alchemist. Its like a great heart surgeon saying this corpse has been dead for 18 hours but I have failed because I couldnt bring him back to life tho I tried for 2 weeks. Im sure he appreciated your love but he just wasnt able to reciprocate or to feel the power of your love. He is in a dark place. But that has nothing to do with how loveable you are. Take good care. It will get better.
Author Hating myself Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Hi, Wild Soul and jj33, Thanks to both of you for your views on my situation. I often wonder why I did get involved with someone I work with. I was just vulnerable and he knew just what to say to me. I have a very good job with good pay and I can't imagine giving it up. I am very lucky to have a job with the economy the way it is. There is only 2 other women that work in the transportation department and we work usually 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. I just can't find the time to get out socially. I'm not saying that I have to have a man. I don't. It would just be nice to find somebody that wants to see you at the end of the day and miss you when they didn't see you. I see couples on Saturday evenings going to the movies or out to dinner and I'm going to work. I've don't think many men would want a woman who works week-ends and holidays and who isn't home very much. I guess I looked at him as someone who understood what it is like. He has been with the railroad for over 30 years. But on the other hand, a typical night for us was him drinking a 6 pack of tall boy Budweiser, eating dinner and then going to bed. We couldn't go out to eat much because he had to be finished with his beer before he could eat. By then, he's drunk. I must be crazy. I read all of what I have written and I wonder why I would want a life like that. It is so dysfunctional. I am not a big drinker. I will drink a glass of wine occasionally or a mixed drink. I am certainly not a drug user. I wasn't brought up with drinkers or drug addicts. The railroad does random drug and alcohol testing and I can't afford to lose a six figure job for one night of drinking. Anyway, I appreciate all of your insights. I was just having a little pity party, but I think it will get better. I hope you have a good afternoon!
jj33 Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Lonliness can make an undesirable situation seem acceptable. Because you feel connected to someone, even if its in a way that is not good for you or not what you want for yourself. But that doesnt mean that connectoin is better than nothing. It may feel like it for a period of time, but then you wake up and say no I deserve better. And you have. So be proud of yourself. Its scary to think will there be someone else out there who will want me when you are thinking the answer is no. But look at yourself another way. You are smart and accomplished and loving. And you do have free time, this man just wasnt able to share it with you, because his addictions overtook his life. There are many very successful women who find love and you will be one of them. You just have to believe that. You dont have to be "out there" on the internet or whatever to meet someone. You can be at the grocery store, at the pharmacy. People meet in all sorts of strange ways. Big businesses have cropped up around meeting people. Some people find success that way but most find that it simply means that they are really open to meeting someone and they meet someone some other way while they are doing the "im out there looking stuff, like internet dating. Another thing you may want to look at is your inner dialogue. If you look at what you wrote, its as if, you think you arent a great catch because of your work schedule (I used to tell myself that but 90% of women in my field are married so that is clearly not it) so subconsciously you chose someone else who had handicaps (the addictions) because you could make up for your shortcomings by helping overcome his problems. Your professional success is not a handicap - different people look for different things in a mate. If someone is unhappy with your success, it means that they are not for you. It doesnt mean anything is wrong with you. If I knew how to do it I would, but somehow you need to look at yourself more positively and see all your accomplishments part of what makes you the wonderful person you are, not social handicaps. You dont know what is around the corner. Have faith.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I have hated myself for not being good enough for him to love. It's HIM, not you. Why put yourself down saying that you aren't good enough for him? He has deep seeded issues that have NOTHING to do with you! He isn't capable of long lasting and trusting love
Author Hating myself Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Hi whichwayisup, I appreciate your reply. It is so hard not to take it personally. I just didn't understand, if his life was so horrible at home, why did he choose to go back? I sometimes think that he is there all happy, cozy, and warm and I feel empty. It's like he lost nothing and I lost the feeling that I was worth something. I didn't want him to be without anything. I guess I just needed to feel like someone needed me. Like I said, I have never dealt with an alcoholic before, and it really messed me up. I hate feeling this way. I have been doing a lot better. There for a while I didn't even want to go out of my house because I thought everyone looked at me and all they saw was a loser. I have read books on alcoholism, co-dependency, etc. I was trying to find out what was wrong with me. I know the old "It's not you, it's me" routine". It's just a cop-out sometimes. People use the line when they don't want to hurt your feelings. It's just hard to swallow after they have taken and taken from you. I have to face the fact that he used me and I didn't want to think that about him. I also didn't want to believe that I was so stupid to let it happen. Lesson learned. It's kind of sad that people used to say, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Now it's "Do unto others before they do unto you".
wildsoul Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I mean this with the utmost of love and care: Your thinking is delusional. Let me explain... You're torturing yourself with what I call "dark fantasies." Imagining that he is "happy," or enjoying some kind of normal life is delusional. Alcoholics are not happy people. You're just fantasizing this stuff as a way to masochistically punish yourself. Somehow, you've turned this scenario around so that he is the healthy/happy one, leaving you, the sick and unloveable one. It smacks of childhood abuse issues. At minimum, you should look into AlAnon meetings. Those are FREE. You're not unique in the way you're reacting. There are nice people there. The tools will help you get centered again. There's some kind of trauma going on inside. You're acting out the role of abuser on YOURSELF now. Even your user name, Hating Myself, is a kind of public self-flaggelation. If you can afford individual counselling, please look into it. (I'm not saying you shouldn't post here, btw! Do that in addition to posting here. ) Sometimes you need to realize that your thoughts are counter-productive. You're so IN it, that you can't see it. That's when you really need help getting out of the negative spiral. You're not alone. Many of us have been there. There is help available if you reach out. I really suggest you get some in person support, too!
Author Hating myself Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Hi Wildsoul, I appreciate your comments. I hate to sound like a poor, pitiful, me type. I wasn't physically abused as a child, just basically ignored. I am the oldest of 5 and my mom wasn't really emotionally available. She has a lot of issues. I just tried to stay out of everyone's way and not make any waves. My dad was gone alot driving a truck and then he ran off with a woman took the middle 3 kids with him and left me and my baby sister with my mom. He wouldn't pay child support so my mom took my check away from me every Friday to help pay bills. Sorry, I know this is too much information. I guess my life is like the song, "Looking for love in all the wrong places". Hehe. Seriously, I have seen a psychiatrist for the past year and a psychologist. I am also on anti-depressants. They medicine has helped alot. I had to take a 2 month leave of absence from work back in November of last year. I couldn't get out of the house and I couldn't stop crying. I am alot better now. It's just that Wednesday will be the anniversary of when we got together. I did have some good times with him. He made me laugh alot and believe it or not, he was my best friend. I guess I was in love with the man that I wanted him to be. I still miss him.
jj33 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Thats exactly right. You are in love with the man you wanted him to be. And that is fine He is out there. Dont give up hope.
crystal_lostheart Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Don't be so hard on yourself.... I know exactly how you are feeling and the pain is horrible Stay NC..... All the energy you put into him....let it go....because it gave you nothing but pain and suffering.....now take a breath.....start again and put all that energy into yourself.....wake up today and just say "I am going to have a good day" Just keep saying it...Fake it til you feel it...Because you will find happiness again one day.
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