manethren Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Well, my wife and I started dating when I was 14 and she was 17. We dated for 3 years before finally getting married. We have been married for 3 years and the time has been the best of my life. Yes, we had our share of problems, but I thought that nothing could ever get so bad that she would do this. We were having some arguments, but just as things were starting to get better, she drops this bomb on me! Now, she says that the moment he penetrated her, that she stopped, and I am choosing to believe her because of how devasted she is. A lot of people will call me foolish for it, but that is what I am doing. Of course, this did not make me feel any better about it. And I never knew that I could feel this much rage, pain, and nothing all at the same time. We talked, and we both decided that our marrige was worth saving. I have tried to put this behind me, and was doing very well right up until we tried to have sex. Images of them bombarded me, and I felt totally disgusted and sick. Normally, for the both of us, sex was an emotional and spiritual experience. Now, if I DO perform, I feel nothing, and it is destroying me. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I WANT this to work, and so does she. But I just cant get myself over this. I have read a lot about this, and talked to my father who had the same thing happen to him, and my parents are still together. I know that this will fade over time, or at least I hope it does. This is basically my only form of getting this out and talking about it. I could just use some advice and comfort from whoever would like to give it. Thank you.
lostsunsets Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 No one knows how long the movies will play. Time and communication is the only thing that can heal this. I would say abstain from sex, but I would be worried that she would cheat again. Maybe if you do abstain, your desire and missing the intimacy would override the movies. I just don't know. How long have you been married?
theycallmeprincess Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 It is going to take a lot of time, energy, work and effort for the two of you to work through this, and the healing process is different for everyone. Perhaps you are just not mentally and emotionally ready to be sexually intimate with your wife right now. Try slowing things down, go back to just hand holding, hugging, just sitting close to one another. Trust is a major factor when it comes to real intimacy, and your wife has betrayed that trust, till that returns, you may not see improvements in the bedroom.
boldjack Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 So sorry, but I would bet that she is lying. If you choose to believe her, then you will probably be cheated on again. True repentance is rare.
samsungxoxo Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 You might want to take cognitive therapy if you want to stay with your wife and work that out. They help you out in replacing old memories with new ones.
Author manethren Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Well, I just wanted to give an update on my situation. We have talked about everything, and we want to move on. Even though this thing has hurt me beyond reason, I have determined that I would rather have an imperfect marriage than no marriage at all. We have started to become more intimate, and we are both trying to deal with the situation together. I guess we just had to figure out what we wanted and how we are going to get there. Thank you for your replies and your comfort.
jmargel Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 You two are very young and still need alot of work in the communications department. If you two think you can get past this without marriage counseling then you both are very ignorant and can almost guarantee that this marriage will fail at some point. The thing that is probably eating you the most is WHY she did it. 'I don't know' from her is not an answer. Promises to not do it again are just words, she already disgraced her vows that she made in front of you, god and family. This new promise is meaningless. By going to marriage counseling they will find the root to the problem and give you and her suggestions to overcome this so the chances of this happening again are less. There are no guarantees in life, however if you don't learn from this, it will happen again. Don't be foolish enough to think it's your problem that 'you have to get over'. It's not. We don't know much about her, try telling us some. How is her past, how did you find out about the affair? How did she treat you before this? What was your gut instinct telling you during this whole time? Tell us WHY you believe her in what she's said. Just because she gives you puppy dog eyes, that's not a reason. There were things said and done BEFORE he penetrated her. She had to say things to lead him on, to get him excited. She had to touch him, kiss him, make him feel wanted. I'm not trying to get you upset, i'm trying to make you realize that she has NOT faced any consequences for her behavior. The marriage isn't doomed but it needs help. Both of you really do need a counselor.
hopesndreams Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 There were things said and done BEFORE he penetrated her. She had to say things to lead him on, to get him excited. She had to touch him, kiss him, make him feel wanted. Such brutal honesty in this and something all betrayed spouses need to seriously think about even though it hurts like he ll to do so.
imagine Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Read Jmargel. I think he said better than I could.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 We were having some arguments, but just as things were starting to get better, she drops this bomb on me! Now, she says that the moment he penetrated her, that she stopped Ya, bulls##t and onions to that one. She says that to make you think she didn't want it and this way, even though he DID penetrate her, and you can believe she took it to the end, that she didn't want to and "stopped it". She is lying her ass off. Don't believe it for a minute. and I am choosing to believe her because of how devasted she is. So why did she decide to tell you? you said you were arguing. Was it that she said it to kind of get back at you in the heat of an argument? A lot of people will call me foolish for it, but that is what I am doing. Of course, this did not make me feel any better about it. And I never knew that I could feel this much rage, pain, and nothing all at the same time. We talked, and we both decided that our marrige was worth saving. I have tried to put this behind me, and was doing very well right up until we tried to have sex. Images of them bombarded me, and I felt totally disgusted and sick. Normally, for the both of us, sex was an emotional and spiritual experience. Now, if I DO perform, I feel nothing, and it is destroying me. then the marriage isn't worth saving. why? because you are trying to save something that is painful to you and always will be to some degree. You are young!! There are better women out there. And did you get married at 17? My man, get out!!! I love my wife more than anything in the world. apparantly the feeling isn't mutual, otherwise she wouldn't have had sex with someone else. Why would you love someone that screwed another man? I WANT this to work, and so does she. But I just cant get myself over this. I have read a lot about this, and talked to my father who had the same thing happen to him, and my parents are still together. So what if your parents are still together. That doesn't mean that your father doesn't struggle with the thought of what your mother did to him. They may seem happy, but more than likely your father thinks about what your mother did from time to time and he just reels inside and chooses to bottle it up. What kind of life is that? Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? I know that this will fade over time, or at least I hope it does. I would probably guess that it will fade, but it will never go away COMPLETELY. Why not be with someone that hasn't f####d over in one of the worst ways and save yourself having to think about what she did to you at all? If you stay with her, then the best of luck. Been in your shoes my man. I feel for ya. But if she can cheat on you in these early stages, just wait until she really gets bored with being with the same man every day. Stay with her if you must and good luck, but I can say with confidence that if you don't leave her, she will cheat again. She can work on the marriage and choose not to cheat....but how long after this bomb will it be before she gets an itch again?
Dexter Morgan Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Even though this thing has hurt me beyond reason, I have determined that I would rather have an imperfect marriage than no marriage at all. If that is how you look at it, I truly feel for you my man. Thats like saying, I'd rather eat a s##t sandwich than no sandwich at all. Because at least the bread is good for you:confused: sorry, I don't eat s##t.
DNU1 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I've been through two affairs by my wife. ICK. But there is hope. Google marriage builders *dot* com Great people there with lots of wisdom and experience dealing with affairs. First, take a look at your life and see just where you want to be. Think long and hard...and not with the head below your belt Recovering from an affair is a long and winding road. You can do it, but you are going to need help -- counseling, support, resources, friends, family, etc. Seriously, head to marriage builders and look around.
imagine Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Hi DNU, Glad to see you on this site. This site is where I learned of MB in the First place. There's a lot of folk that need to read MB articles over here. The good part of this site is the greater freedom to communicate outside MB principals and not get shot down.
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