gavinus Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 My ex who dumped me sent me a text after 5 weeks no contact, 10 days ago, we have been split about 9 weeks. The text was nothing major she was just wanting me to respond to her by answering a couple of questions she had asked. After advice from this forum I did not reply to her (Basically she said awful, terrible things to me etc when she dumped me and she also took her anger out on me throughout our relationship). A few people who responded to my original post said she sent the text to either "validate her anger with me and her decision to dump me" or That way she can feel justified and not guilty for dumping you. My question is by replying or not replying how would that validate or justify her decision to end the relationship with me? I am confused
Ronni_W Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Generally. The guess/assumption would have been that your ex was looking to you to justify her own thoughts, feelings, words and actions -- to make HER crap "okay" on some level. By not responding, you have sent a clear message to her that she is responsible for finding her own forgiveness, acceptance, redemption or whatever other emotional experience she is looking for. You messaged that whatever she is wanting or needing, YOU are not gonna take responsibility or obligation, and just keep acting like her 'supplier.' It's not necessarily that she was looking for "validation" of her decision to end the relationship -- she could be totally okay with that. It's usually guilt, anger, blame, hurt (crappy emotions & actions) that we get desperate for OTHER people to "make right" for us -- which they can't, btw. We just erroneously think that they can.
Author gavinus Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 thankyou so much for that! Our whole 3 year relationship I provided her emotional fix and fed her emotionally, I think its hurtful of her to dump me and then want me to make her feel ok about herself. It hurts to not respond to her as I still care for her but the truth of the matter is as soon as she gets a new man, I will no longer be needed, and I am not going to feed her anymore !
Ronni_W Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I am not going to feed her anymore ! Good for you! It craps out when we end up in role of just supporting and contributing to THEIR "happy, safe and secure" feelings. It ends up a one-way street, where they start believing they're entitled, and we get taken for granted and stop being appreciated. It's a crappy, crappy dynamic. Congrats for no longer volunteering for THAT . You deserve much better.
entropy Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Gavinus, good for you I felt myself falling into that role in the last part of my relationship, too. I definitely know how hard it is to not try to validate/ease her feelings. I still want to help her, still want to try to make everything okay. But I, too, realized that I can't - that it's only her responsibility, and no matter what I said that nothing would be truly fixed anyway. Good for you for forcing yourself out of that habit that she'd created for you!
Recommended Posts