My OW story now that it's over

[wiseup]

After reading some of the stories here, I realized many of us never anticipated to be in this situation. This is especially true in my case. Here's my story.(long)

 

This guy K and I are in the same grad program but we didn't even start noticing each other until last Dec. At the beginning we were just studying together. We seemed to have this amazing chemistry though. We hit it off almost immediately and I was starting to really like him. I thought I finally found a great guy. Smart, kind, very nice to me, cute too. There was one thing that bothered me a lot though. He would disappear on me sometimes. We would set a study date and he would just be no show. He'd come around later on and apologize and then do it again. Finally I confronted him and he told me that he was really starting to like me and seeing nothing could ever happen anyways he thought he'd distance himself (he's transferring next year). So i thought he was talking about his transferring 3000 miles away and it made sense. Boy, was I wrong.

 

He went on a trip in Jan. and I sent him an email telling him that I will miss him. He sent an email back saying it's best if i dont write him again. And I was thinking WTF? You tell someone you miss him and he says don't contact me again? Seriously, I was so pissed and decided not to contact him again. 2 days later, I got an email that kinda answered my earlier questions. It started with "I am K's wife and I read the email you sent him". I almost had a heart attack. He told me about his entire family but neglected to mention he has a wife. Then I realized he does wear a ring on his right hand. I just thought that's a family heirloom. I mean, he has eastern european heritage, but how was I supposed to know that's actually his wedding ring? Who wears a wedding ring on the right hand in the US anyways?

 

His wife also said that she knows he never mentions her to anyone so she doubts that I even knew about her existence. I replied she's right in that I didn't know about her but there was nothing going on. I guess I lied a little cuz I did like him a lot and he told me he liked me too. Anyway, I thought I could stop talking to him for even more reasons now. Until he sent me a msg on AIM after he came back from his trip. He basically owned up to everything and hoped we could at least say hi to each other once in a while. I thought it was nice of him to finally own up to everything and we started talking again. Now that I think of it, he may have done that only cuz he knew his wife had already contacted me. So he wasn't really owning up to anything cuz I already got the truth from his wife.

 

Anyway we started talking on AIM again just like before I found out he's married. We agreed to be friends. I guess it might've been a wrong move for me cuz I did like him lots. Easier said than done though. We still had this amazing chemistry. We had so much to talk about. And the more we talk to each other the more we realized we would wanna be with each other. So we tried the whole not talking thing, several times. But we found impossible to do so cuz we did like each other lots. At the same time things got really out of hand with his wife(cuz of his friendship with me I guess). They broke up like 5 times during the past 2 months. But they would make up like the next day.

 

K and I never had a full blown affair. We had long hugs and kissed a few times. That's all we had on the physical side. He told me he was in love with me a couple of times too. But now that I realize that all the kisses and "in love with you" talk happened right after each of his breakups with his wife, when he thought his marriage was over. So I guess it didn't mean anything.

 

About a month ago his wife gave him an ultimatum. She asked him to choose between their relationship and our friendship. Actually this is where I start questioning his character flaw. I would call what we had an emotiona affair, but apparently at home he's telling his wife we are just friends and she didn't believe him and rightfully so. She went to live with her friend for a couple of days and told him to think it over. He came talk to me and analyzed all the possibilities of what if he got a divorce. I mean, their marriage was on the rocks before I came long. I know I have no right whatsoever judging their marriage but I have to say it really doesn't have a solid ground.

 

His wife is the daughter of his dad's friend's friend. She lived in another country. She had a 2-day layover 2 years and a half ago in our city and was staying at his dad's place. Then his dad asked him to take her to the airport. That's how they met. They met each other on that single ride to the airport and after that she told his dad to pass on her contact info to him. They started writing each other and 3 months later they were in a relationship and he went to visit her in her home country. This LDR lasted a year and a half, during which time he visited her 4 times spending a week each time he visited. Then they got married and went from LDR to living together overnight. They've been married for a little over a year now. No kids.

 

He told me he didn't wanna get married to start with. He was even hoping she'd cheat on him so he can get out of it(she cheated on her ex bf). But he didn't want to hurt her so they got married anyway but he was doing everything against his own will. Anyway, he analyzed everything and imagined life without her. Then he told me he couldn't do it. No matter how many justifications he came up with, he just couldn't do it. Then I said don't cuz I dont want him to regret his decision in the future. And where did that leave us? I guess our relationship had to end. So I stopped talking to him. He came back 3 days later telling me they broke up again, irreversably this time, he doesn't have a shred of regret, feels like a huge burden off of his shoulder, blablablablabla. I believed him and we were talking about our future together even though he's moving away in less than 2 months. This is where I had my wake up call. He texted me before their final breakup to see if i would still be there if they broke up. I said i would cuz I was in love with him. But once they actually broke up, he showed signs of withdrawal. He wasn't sure if he should start a LDR with me cuz we'd be apart for 5 years(we are in phd programs). I was so sad. I realized he never liked me as much as I did him. But his take was that he was just being cautious. That kinda sounds reasonable, ok. But you know what, a week later, he sent me an email, telling me they made up again!!!!

 

I finally had enough of this. I didn't reply his email and I have been total NC with him for 2 weeks. Seriously, wft? After all that "I'm 100% sure about our breakup this time. There's only one thing i regret that i didnt do this sooner. We could've been together a long time ago. blablablabla", he went back to her again. So this is where I stand now. Total NC, but it's so hard.

 

And the sad part is, the more i think about it, the more i feel that he never liked me. He never intended to leave his wife. I was just a pawn in his game. He used me as leverage to gain more power in his marriage, power that he never had. He told me his wife is used to getting what she wants and now he showed her that he's pretty desirable too. He used me as his emotional crutch. I gave him a good ego boost. I am by no means the ugliest girl in the world. I get hit on all the time. Why did I have to fall for a lying bastard who doesn't have a backbone?

 

Anyway, thanks for reading my story. Sorry I am in such a messed up mindset that my writing is kinda disorganizational and confusing. Comment all you like. I just wanna get over the hurt he caused me. Is it possible? After all, I fell pretty hard for him.

[fooled once]

He told me he didn't wanna get married to start with. He was even hoping she'd cheat on him so he can get out of it(she cheated on her ex bf). But he didn't want to hurt her so they got married anyway but he was doing everything against his own will.

 

I am sorry but what a load of bullsh*t. If he didn't want to get married he didn't have to propose. And it was all against his will?

 

If that is true, he is a pansy.

 

Honey, you dont' and never have had a relationship with him. You were unfortunately just an ego boost for him. He enjoyed playing games with his wife and with you.

 

Please don't let him continue to play this game with you.

 

Start going out with friends. Distract yourself. You never really did "have him" so you really didn't lose him. He was never yours to start with.

 

Doesn't matter if he stays with is wife or not -- he is leaving the area. You varely had a friendship so that won't even sustain a possible LDR. Plus, he is a liar so you could never trust him even if you were in a real relationship with him.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

[wiseup]

I am sorry but what a load of bullsh*t. If he didn't want to get married he didn't have to propose. And it was all against his will?

 

If that is true, he is a pansy.

 

 

He did tell me he's very weak. His wife thinks so too cuz he was unwilling to "drop" me before. So I guess that's something we all agree on. And I guess I finally learned my lesson. No matter how much I like a person and how much I wish he's mine, I want someone who's single and has a backbone.

[wiseup]

I think I am gonna lay off guys for a while.

All this time I spent on speculating what their married life is like right now I have practically driven myself into this obssessive person. Block him, unblock him, block him again...It's just not healthy for me at all. I always thought about how great it would be if he and I could be together and we could have such a great future(we are both studying for our phd's). Then I realized I was giving up my own great future by spending way too much time and energy on this entire mess. And it's something totally out of my control. What happens with their marriage is not up to me. It's up to them. And it's exhausting trying to guess what's happening with them. I mean, I feel like I don't really know him after having realized how many half-lies he told me. And I don't know his wife at all. I should really focus on myself.

 

Guys will come along once I put myself together. I can make it just by myself.

[fooled once]

I am still having a hard time with this "relationship" you think you had.

 

And you are becoming obsessive about him yet you are not understanding how his WIFE feels regarding sending you a friend request and you think she is squirrely?

 

In your original post you said:

 

K and I never had a full blown affair. We had long hugs and kissed a few times. That's all we had on the physical side. He told me he was in love with me a couple of times too. But now that I realize that all the kisses and "in love with you" talk happened right after each of his breakups with his wife, when he thought his marriage was over.

 

Sounds to me like he was playing a game with you. I am sorry you are hurting but considering you barely knew him, consider yourself lucky that it never advanced any further.

[DNU1]

Wise: Thanks for posting. Your MM is a typical wayward spouse (WS). Wife was not meeting his key emotional needs so he looked outside the marriage. Your conversations and time spent together lead him to believe he "loved" you. The attention, the admiration, the conversation, the connection via your ed program, fact that he was away from his wife...that all contributed to his "falling" for you. It's all typical WS actions.

 

I'll bet he gave her the "i love you but I'm not *in* love with you" speech. He's confused, addicted to your attention and is probably feeding you and his wife full of lies. That's what WS do to keep getting the affair-high. His brain is gone and he will do bat-poop crazy things.

 

Don't be surprised if he continues to contact you -- he WILL!

 

The best thing you can do is get as far away from him as possible. Establish NC (no contact) with him for LIFE! Tell him that the second he contacts you that you will tell his wife. Repeat, he *will* try to contact you. He's addicted to your relationship and will come back for more. Be strong. Dump him and move on.

[Justanotherschmuck]

Why did I have to fall for a lying bastard who doesn't have a backbone?

 

Any one who is the OW or OM has NO RIGHT to call that person names after it doesn't work out.

 

You did your share of lying also.

 

The pain you feel, you deserve. But I think he got off real easy. A shot to the nuts with a baseball bat would have been a bit of justice.

[DNU1]

The pain you feel, you deserve. But I think he got off real easy. A shot to the nuts with a baseball bat would have been a bit of justice.

 

Wow, and I thought I was harsh. BANG, right in the grille!

[2sure]

wiseup -

 

for some reason, you were vulnerable to this guys load odfcrap. He didnt do or say anything different than most MM looking for something on the side. You will meet more of the same. How you react is all you can change.

 

So, what you have to do here is find the reason you in particular fell for this. Sexual chemistry and sincere fondness is just not enough to subject yourself to this.

 

Live and learn. If a guy is married , he doesnt have anything to offer you.

If he wasnt married, he'd be divorced. There is no in between where dating is concerned, its just too risky.

[wiseup]

Why did I have to fall for a lying bastard who doesn't have a backbone?

 

Any one who is the OW or OM has NO RIGHT to call that person names after it doesn't work out.

 

You did your share of lying also.

 

The pain you feel, you deserve. But I think he got off real easy. A shot to the nuts with a baseball bat would have been a bit of justice.

 

Thank you for your post, Schmuck. I looked up your other posts. While it seems obvious that your wife is the one that did you wrong, do you honestly think you are not to blame at all? In her words, you still owe her 28 years of happiness. Did I judge you for not trying too hard? Did I tell you that you deserve the pain that she inflicted on you?

 

Nobody wants to be caught in a bad situation. I'm sure you didn't want to be put in this mess. In my case, I didn't know he was married. By the time I found out, I had already fallen in love with him. And when it comes to matters of the heart, who has the right to tell anyone that they do or do not have the right to say whatever they might be feeling at the moment? And if everybody was as judgmental as you on this forum, I'm not so sure if so many people would still post here. After all, we came here to vent, to see more sides of the story, to seek advice, not judgment. Nobody chose to be a BS, WS or OW/OM, at least not in my case. I know I made a mistake, and now I'm trying to fix it. You have no right to tell me how to feel.

[sugarmomma]

Why did I have to fall for a lying bastard who doesn't have a backbone?

 

Any one who is the OW or OM has NO RIGHT to call that person names after it doesn't work out.

 

You did your share of lying also.

 

The pain you feel, you deserve. But I think he got off real easy. A shot to the nuts with a baseball bat would have been a bit of justice.

 

LOL!!!

 

Do I sense a tad bit of bitterness here?

[pikachu67]

HI Wiseup, I am sorry that you had to go through so much pain. I can understand and relate to you because I am in the same **** now. After reading your story, I am also beginning to think that mine is just using me to control his wife and improve the relationship. He used to tell me how neglected he felt and how he felt so lonely at home. Now they are having holidays (alone, without the kids) together while I am still struggling to think about where we're headed. I salute you for having the courage to end the relationship. Many a times I have wanted to do that but I always run back to him. God, I hate myself for that! Congratulations for getting on with life without such men to make us miserable. I hope I will become like you one day soon if this is getting nowhere.

[MizzBlue72]

Oh so sorry Wise up.

 

I had heard SO many stories from my MM - and I have to say that they were NOT true.

 

Lesson learned - women DO NOT have that much control over their hubbies and their actions.

 

It is really harsh, but I know that I was an ego boost... filling a sexual outlet that was not served at home. Call it EA / A ? FWB / NSA, etc. You can put any title on it that you want - but these pseudo realtionships are still just shells that we are leading.

 

I know - I have been there too and believe me - I loved - and still do - LOVE this man. I also had to wise up and realize that I will never ever ever be anymore than second best - if that.

 

And for the BS - honestly, maybe I am wrong, but I do not think of her either. I still remmber the night MM got caught - and she did nothing - NOTHING to him.

 

I am as much to blame, but dammit so is he and all of the MM and MW that we have seen!! I will shoulder some of the resposibility, but I am NOT breaking my vows now ... let that be on the MM plate and on their shoulders to worry about.

 

I spent WAY too much time thinking this was ALL my fault - I tried to break it off AT LEAST a dozen times before it stuck.....

 

So - in response to 'breaking his nuts or knne caps' - yeah - I would go along with the MM shouldering some responsibility and fall out. Not physical harm at all --- but I had to pick up the pieces of my life, self esteem, etc. when this ended, and he shouldn't be able to get off free either. [really sorry for the rant --- seriously this really hurts right now - sorry]