phineas Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Looks like i'm back in this section. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=183835&page=2 Found the porno pics she sent to him. She still claims she didn't sleep with him. I have call into my brother. He mentioned to my mother he thought he saw her recently with someone else recently in her car heading towards our house. She wasn't driving but hiding her head. I'm thinking road head. she loved to do that to me. My god. I think i've lost my damn mind thinking these things. I don't have a time frame. my mother is on pain killer for hand surgery & spaces so I don't know for sure. When I told her she started talking to me about my dad's green house. good lord. She denys it & will prove it by showing me her pay stubs from work to prove she didn't take any time off. So what? Why should she care to even prove it? Infidelity is the fast track to legal divorce around here. Otherwise we have to stay legally seperated for a yr. She can't handle being a single mom. I know she can't. WTF? She honestly thinks because she didn't **** this man she didn't cheat? I had to talk to someone (mother) needed someone to talk to. She has the choice to tell her father. I've re forwarded the evidence to the other man & told him to stay away or i'll out him to his GF & family. I know where he lives. I have no desire to confront him or harm him or whatever. He's a man looking for his action. It isn't his responsibility to keep my marriage vows. She made the decisions to do what she did. She made me feel I was the problem in our marriage for the last two yrs. I wasn't. Her fantasy about a man who will not have her & my ability to never match that fantasy was. I've talked to my therapist halfway through this post so he had a calming affect on me. he'll see us this week. I've told her if she goes she is paying for her half of MC. If she doesn't want to then I have my answer & I'll need the counseling anyways. Basically he said her calling me a dictator is crap because there are rules one must follow in a marriage.
Author phineas Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 well , my family suspected. My brother claims he saw her twice in her car with another man & he says she looked right at him & tried to hide her face. She says it never happened. I'm going to have to believe my brother on this. He has no reason to lie. They have told me she didn't treat me well for a while. I guess I didn't see it. Oh, she's home now. Gotta go.
lostsunsets Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I am sorry to hear about your wife. It just didn't sound like depression other then maybe depression from guilt. As I said, she wanted you to kick her out because she wants the affair brought to a head. She can't live with herself. And PPD, rarely lasts to two years. You need to confront and kick her out like she wanted you to do. I was right about her cheating. And I am right about her needing to be brought to crisis and the risk of losing everything. Personally, I think you knew all the time in your gut. Am I wrong? You are joking about the pay stub. You don't think they could have sex over lunch? You need to rock her world and make her look at herself in the mirror. She needs to feel the consequence of her actions. That is if you want to stop the affair and reconcile.
sotired Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I don't see the point in trying to reconcile. She isn't sorry. She is still lying to you and since she thinks there is nothing wrong with what she's done...I wouldn't trust her moral compass in the future. If she showed some remorse it would be one thing....but she is just sorry she got caught. I am sorry you are going through this.
Bryanp Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Are you out of your mind? You must tell the OM's Girlfriend right now! By not telling her you are enabling the affair to continue. The message you are sending the OM is that there are no consequences to him cheating with your wife. He must be laughing at you that you do not even have the balls to tell his girlfriend. No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change. This goes for your wife as well. She continues to humiliate and disrespect you without any consequences. She is getting off making you look like a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Tell the OM's girlfriend now!!!!!
Author phineas Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 I am sorry to hear about your wife. It just didn't sound like depression other then maybe depression from guilt. As I said, she wanted you to kick her out because she wants the affair brought to a head. She can't live with herself. And PPD, rarely lasts to two years. You need to confront and kick her out like she wanted you to do. I was right about her cheating. And I am right about her needing to be brought to crisis and the risk of losing everything. Personally, I think you knew all the time in your gut. Am I wrong? You are joking about the pay stub. You don't think they could have sex over lunch? You need to rock her world and make her look at herself in the mirror. She needs to feel the consequence of her actions. That is if you want to stop the affair and reconcile. my gut told me something was wrong & I ignored it. My gut tells me it was an EA instead of a PA. The reason? the pictures of Her gullbladder scars. She sent him one of those orignally to show him how ugly they were. If he'd been screwing her, he would of allready seen them. then he talked her into a little bit more & now my wife has multiple nude pictures & masterbtion videos out on the internet. Does she show remorse? I think so. She even showed me the video's & pictures she sent him the day before that I had no idea existed. Ironically I found his last e-mail to her in her chat account from a few weeks back saying how he's glad their friends. he created a fantasy she couldn't pass up. She used to do that stuff for me. so it wasn't like she did something for him she never did for me. For some stupid reason that matters. Right now, she needs to get herself fixed to be honest its complelty ****ed up that she would do that & risk exposing herself to the internet. Imagine our kids finding pictures of mommy on the net some day. She's starting to get that now. She's starting to understand that she was the major problem with our marriage. That she can claim all she wants that she tried, but wih him on her mind there is no way she actually could of. Can we be fixed? I don't know. It's really going to come down to whether she goes to MC & pays her half like she said she would & shows me she is going to work. Really work. He is out of the picture now. NC whether she wants or not.
Author phineas Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Are you out of your mind? You must tell the OM's Girlfriend right now! By not telling her you are enabling the affair to continue. The message you are sending the OM is that there are no consequences to him cheating with your wife. He must be laughing at you that you do not even have the balls to tell his girlfriend. No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change. This goes for your wife as well. She continues to humiliate and disrespect you without any consequences. She is getting off making you look like a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Tell the OM's girlfriend now!!!!! Actually, I want to give this marriage a chance no matter how slim. That means NC. She wouldn't do that because they were "friends". she still tried to tell me they were just friends after I found the pics because she didn't sleep with him. I asked her why she did it. Her responce, "he asked & he was attractive" probably the only truthful thing she told me up too then. If I blow him into his GF then he no longer has anything to loose. I want him out of my life permanently. As long as I hold that over him, he will be out. But since he really didn't have feelings for wife, just a want to use her he will have moved on anyways. She may or may not be seeing he was using her. I don't know yet, like I said, she is slowly realizing the magnitude of sending those pictures.
lostsunsets Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 The problem is, there is no consequence to her actions. You caught her and that's it. Either you forgive and its cheap grace, or you stay angry and she cheats again. You need to expose her to your family and her family. You need to remove her from all your financial accounts. Bank and credit cards. Your marriage is only worth as much to her as it costs her to win you back.
Author phineas Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 we have no shared accounts. When we met I already had the house so everything just stayed in my name. Last night she was remorseful. This morning she wakes me up to tell me she never slept with him, she was never in a car with him, he was never at our house. I tell her "ok" then try to wake up & she gets upset telling me I don't care. That I don't believe her & will never trust her again. That I can't forget or forgive & she'll live under a microscope. And that if she does try, one day i'll just kick her out without warning just to be vengeful. And I tell her what I've been telling her, I want to work it out, but she needs to work also. She needs prove to me she won't do this again, she needs to prove to me she isn't in contact with him by complete transparency. She tells me bitterly not to worry, I took care of that by calling the OM & threatening to out him. And to her, it's an invasion of her privacy. And as of now, she didn't want to do that. She didn't want to show me her cell phone bill because it's her bill & i'm not going to pick through it because it's her business. Well, she gave me her wedding ring & told me to sell it & then told me I didn't care she did that. she tells me this OM wasn't the only problem in our marriage. He was big one but there were others. Well, those other problems were that I didn't live up to the expectations of her fantasy with him. Nothing I said or did could of mattered because she was always thinking of him. As long as she was infatuated with the fantasy of being with him she never would of been happy with me. She has called me repeatedly today telling me i'll never be able to put it behind me so she wants out. I told her fine. She is the one walking away not me. It's her decision. I told her since we're separated I really don't care what she has to say anymore unless it has to do with the kids or she's decided to work it out & told her to stop calling me. Tonight she packs up her **** & goes. It will take a few days but that's fine. I want it all out now. She will take the kids & go to her fathers house. She will not use them against me. She can't. We work opposite shifts & watch the kids ourselves. I will see them 5 out of 7 days of the week. It won't be so bad. Regardless, I have always been there to help with the kids. Perhaps she will realize now that she is alone & has ruined her family. Our kids family & choose to at least fix herself for the sake of our kids. There will most likely be no fixing us. My family doesn't want her around now or near them now that I've found out what they suspected. Unfortunatly until I can prove adultury by law we need to be legally seperated for one yr. I'll have to go see a lawyer.
Athena Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Her actions and words to you are crying out for you to take charge, tell her you WANT her no matter what happened and that you will not accept losing her. Try saying this. See her take heart.
Athena Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 You can still have your wife back. You can still work on your M. But you MUST tell her strongly, clearly that you want her. That you still love her. Her actions with the ring, and all that she says to you is begging you to show her that you really care. TAKE CHARGE -- she WANTS you to! Do not accept a divorce, a separation... tell her this... you will see it works. Say it like you mean it, which you do, you just dont realize she's been calling your bluff because she is so afraid you will dump her for what she has done. Tell her its a one time deal you will learn to forgive her for, but you will continue to work on your M. Don't give up just that easily? Her whole affair was to get your attention and get you to prove your love to her... you are at the crossroads now -- fight for your marriage and you can have a good life together.
Athena Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 There will most likely be no fixing us. My family doesn't want her around now or near them now that I've found out what they suspected. Unfortunatly until I can prove adultury by law we need to be legally seperated for one yr. I'll have to go see a lawyer. Don't worry about your family - they are simply being there for YOU.... and this means that if you make up with your wife, they will once again accept her. As for the 'proving adultery' -- if you two are SO gung-ho about divorce, perhaps your W can 'admit' an affair so that the two of you can get a quick divorce... she might do this if she wants to get out of the marriage, even if she didn't sleep with the guy and it was only an emotional affair. But I still feel certain that if you took charge and TOLD her you love her, want her, and will learn to forgive what she did -- if she tells the truth about what she did -- that you will have your wife back, learn to love again, and have your family intact... she is 'testing' you. A woman needs to feel her man desires her strongly, wants HER... and shows this. You have nothing to lose (but to save your marriage and your family security) by trying this with her. I say give it your best shot. Say it like you MEAN it! Convince her!!!! And then let her prove herself to you too. This is what 'through bad times' in marriage is -- this is the fire that forges a stronger bond.
lostsunsets Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Phineas, I am glad to her you staying strong, You need to present confidence and that you're moving on. I did not know that you worked opposite shifts. That was the first problem. As you said you need to not talk or interact with her unless it is about the kids. Have as little contact with her as possible. She needs to realize that she was the problem. If you want her back, you will need to present a happy contented person to her. You are not going to chase her. You should file for divorce, and have her served, to financially protect yourself. It sounds like she is the one who works nights. I think you are doing exactly what you need to do. Continue to stay strong. But remember no yelling, no screaming. You are happy, content and moving on with your life. That will be the best revenge of all.
imagine Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Athena talks sense. Speak to your pastor, folks or good friends. Both of you need perspective.
Author phineas Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 I have told her I love her & want her & can forgive her. She says she feels like a disgusting horrible person & she does not know how I can do anything but hate her for what she's done. for now, she is dead set on moving out & getting a place for her & the kids. The arguing has been too much for her. She has agreed to keep going to MC. Whether she shows up or not is another thing.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I think you should divorce her. She's running away from her problem like a coward and even after she leaves I bet she still stays in contact with the OM and begins a physical relationship with him. Stating that well she's seperated. and this is the man who is the cause of it, partly. Bottom line prepare for a future without her, and why are you letting her take the kids from your home? If she wants out she can leave. I dont think she'll ever stop cheating, some women cant' be faithful!
lostsunsets Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Phineas, by the way she is acting she has not come clean with the physical affair. Think for a moment. She said it wasn't cheating because they never got physical. Now she turns around and tells you that she feels like a horrible person. You should tell her that she should admit to having sex with him. Or I would tell the OM. That he had better fess up to how many times they had sex or his GF and family finds out.
Author phineas Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Phineas, by the way she is acting she has not come clean with the physical affair. Think for a moment. She said it wasn't cheating because they never got physical. Now she turns around and tells you that she feels like a horrible person. You should tell her that she should admit to having sex with him. Or I would tell the OM. That he had better fess up to how many times they had sex or his GF and family finds out. She sent him multiple masturbation videos of herself. This is why she claims to now feel like a horrible person.
lostsunsets Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Good. She needs to feel like a horrible person, for what she has done to you for the last 2 frigging years. She needs to lose everything. Most of all your love. She needs to look at herself in the mirror and see a cheating skank, who betrayed the man who loved her. Like I said, the best revenge is for you to get happy and confident. Don't ask her to come back. Let her see just how attractive she is to other men. Then there may be some true contrition to work with.
Author phineas Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Good. She needs to feel like a horrible person, for what she has done to you for the last 2 frigging years. She needs to lose everything. Most of all your love. She needs to look at herself in the mirror and see a cheating skank, who betrayed the man who loved her. Like I said, the best revenge is for you to get happy and confident. Don't ask her to come back. Let her see just how attractive she is to other men. Then there may be some true contrition to work with. She's out. It's the best thing right now. I'm surprisingly fine with it. My family is more pissed about the whole thing than I am but they really didn't like her to begin with. They will be a hurdle for her. I get my kids every other night which is fine. We are still going to MC & she will probably need IC. As silly as this sounds I'm looking forward to being on my own for the foreseeable future. We both need time to work on ourselves her I think a little bit more.
lostsunsets Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Let me commend you. I imagine she will probably give you a day to two b4 she calls begging for you to take her back. Its one thing to make you the bad guy, when she is living there. It's entirely something different when she doesn't have you to blame. She will wake up in the morning, in her dads house. Look in the mirror and see and adulteress staring back at her. You see, there are no excuses now. You do need keep track of the other guy. And be ready to let the OMs GF know. Good job. Lets see how she likes herself now.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Yes, you need to involve the OM's girlfriend - That is, unless you're done with the marriage and ready to throw in towel. Anyway, by telling her, the A will be over because then the OM will suffer consquences too, just like your wife. People don't change unless they are forced into a situation where they have to change. Keep that in mind.. Yes, your wife feels horrible...BUT, it's because she got caught!! The test will be now on how she is, reacts and does..Not just what she "says." Just make sure the OM isn't ANYWHERE around your children. Make that a golden rule.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 She will take the kids & go to her fathers house. Why is she taking the kids?
boldjack Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Athena, you know that I have a great respect for your opinions. This time I believe you are wrong. The Ws hasn't done anything to show that she is aware of the enormity of her acts nor has she shown herself to be truly remorseful. All of her acts have been Drama. Giving back her wedding ring, moving out, have all been calculated to make the OP feel guilty for catching her and to divert attention from any questions about whether or not the EA was in fact a PA. She has shown that she is more concerned that she got caught, than that she cheated. If the OP does what you say, Yes, the WS will take heart, not from love, but with relief because she will have avoided the consequences of her actions.
Recommended Posts