Habibti Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I'm feeling upset about something. I'm currently going through a rough patch in my LDR. Things are tense between us, and we're TRYING to work out our problems. We both have equally done things to hurt the other, shake confidence etc. But we've also owned up to those things and are trying to work on our problems and iron them out not just cut and run. I may be oversensitive here due to what's going on but I'm very bothered by something.. So, apparently there's a girl he's been talking to about our relationship, who is a psychology major. I don't have a problem with him needing to talk to others, or that other being a woman or having friends who are female; not a problem with me. So here's the problem I have; he started telling me this girl is cute..that she's got a great sense of humor and she's very clever and witty..how the two of them have inside jokes together and how she asked me to do something jokingly and his response was "I like you so much I'd...". He also proceeds to tell me how she told him "he was in for a ride, are you sure you want to do this? " Now, that comment there ticks me off a little. I'm not saying I don't come with my problems/difficulties but I've been making a very genuine go at fixing them including personal therapy and he has done his share to hurt me. It takes two to tango kind of thing, and neither of us are innocent. Then again, that's how it works right? I don't know if I'm just being hypersensitive or over-reacting here but I feel very hurt and almost disgusted. They have inside jokes together? She's cute? You like her so much you'd.. ?
TMichaels Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I don't know if I'm just being hypersensitive or over-reacting here but I feel very hurt and almost disgusted. They have inside jokes together? She's cute? You like her so much you'd.. ? Yeah, I'd say you have every right to be a little ticked, Habibti. Do you think *he's doing it on purpose* to make you jealous? Or, do you think he's really that much of a cad that he'd tell you about someone "he fancies" because he's checked out of your relationship on some level, and just doesn't seem to care if your feelings get hurt or not? Best, TMichaels
Author Habibti Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 I guess he was trying to make me jealous when I examine it closely, furthermore one of his frustrations with me which partly albeit not entirely was that I was not attentive enough to his needs/desires to share thoughts and feelings, he also feels I overlooked it if he'd try to send me things via net for conversation pieces if I didn't accept, forgot about them, etc. I got comfortable and took him for granted, I'm guilty of that. However, I'm trying really hard to turn that around. If he would of checked out of the relationship, he wouldn't even be in it considering the hard time we're going through- he recently nearly ended things and is back saying no, please let's work it out. But this girl is the antitheses of our hard time, they DON'T have a relationship so they don't have those stressors and that baggage to work through that we do, I don't think he wants to be with her so much as she represents the light fluff and witty banter that our relationship isn't right now because of what we're trying to work through. It's that dangerous grass is greener illusion, he loves me but he might like her a little bit because right now she's validating the needs he thinks I formerly didn't validate. Meanwhile, it's hurtful that I'm not out finding someone to do the same for me with his part of not validating my thoughts/feelings either. I mean it's funny how I'm the one he accused would do that if things got tough, yet I'm not and he is. All in all the best I can do is try to improve what I've been doing wrong so he isn't driven into the arms of another woman, so to speak.
Ashbash11 Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 It's sort of funny, because I am in a similar situation, yet I am the "other girl." My best guy friend is in a complicated LDR and always comes to me for advice. I am also a psychology major and his GF has a very pronounced dislike toward me.. However, I have no intention of ever hooking up with this friend.. Yes, he also thinks that I am "cute." But, we both have significant others, and we know better than to compromise our relationships. My question for you is, do you know if this girl is single? That could make a huge difference. If she's not, then you really have nothing to worry about. However, if she is, then I'd worry a little bit. I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about this. Let him know that you felt disgusted by his comment and that it makes you uncomfortable when he tells you about his friend and how "cute" she is. Just let him know that you are not being jealous or possessive, but that being in a long distance relationship is hard, and you want to trust him.
KikiW Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 If he had any common sense he would know that his telling you about this girl, describing her as he has, and indicating they have some special relationship (even if it's not romantic) is not only going to make you jealous, but is also insensitive and insulting. Fine, you both have some issues to work out. Ok, you realize maybe you need to pay him a little more attention. That's something you two need to discuss and fix. This girl is a fluffy distraction from the work you guys need to do. I would be REALLY angry if my LDR pulled that with me. My only response would be "Well then you need to decide which girlfriend you want, because I'm not going to put up with this sh*t any longer." Seriously. That ain't right.
Cherished Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 He is letting you know in his own way that he has emotionally checked out of the relationship with you and really doesn't want it to work out. He is hoping that you break up with him. He's not really in it at all with you. Sorry.
Island Girl Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I would be REALLY angry if my LDR pulled that with me. My only response would be "Well then you need to decide which girlfriend you want, because I'm not going to put up with this sh*t any longer." I couldn't agree more. This is borderline EA. It is in fact how a lot of affairs start. Emotional sharing about problems in the current relationship. And then that moves on to more, etc. There'd be no way I'd ever put up with this kind of crap. I know better. He knows better. Things like this do nothing but cause more problems.
Author Habibti Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Thankyou everyone for your responses. We talked things through, and he admitted to trying to make me jealous. The reason being there was once a friend in my life who I'd known for 9 years and we had been physically intimate at one point (before I met him) Even though I didn't tlak to or see this friend during my LDR, the first time we had a falling out I did speak with my friend and "cry on his shoulder" I was up front that I did this, and he felt not good about it. He told me not to take responsibility when he makes a mistake and does something like this I.E - because I wasn't attentive enough he turned to someone else- he apologised and said don't take the blame for his mistakes. I guess this girl is in a relationship and is not single, I told him how it made me feel and that it wasn't cool and he agreed it wasn't.
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