Blackberries Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 OK, so here is the deal. Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for the past month or so. In the past month we have had a number of arguments about how loyal he is to me. 1. One of our friends called me names one night for no reason. I have not spoken to this "friend" since, but my boyfriend has carried on like nothing has happened, which really upsets me. This was weeks ago and the "friend" hasn't even apologised. If someone called him horrible names, I'd be really mad at them. 2. We were at a party a few weeks ago and said friend was there. I told my boyfriend not to leave me alone with our "friend" as he would just insult me, but my boyfriend did, for about 30 minutes, and the "friend" insulted me over it. We had a huge row about it that night. The past couple of weeks have been very stressful- my boyfriend is studying for his exams and has a large workload, while I have been struggling with an illness and with roommate problems. I haven't seen my boyfriend all week (usually see him every day) and if I ask to see him, he just says he's too busy, and even snaps at me. Last night, some of our friends were going out. Because of group politics, I wasn't invited, but my boyfriend was. I was really hurt that I wasn't invited, as I am always asking everyone if they want to go out. And I'm particularly hurt that my boyfriend knew that I wsn't invited, and that I was hurt about it, but went out anyway. He said he needed to "see people" and "get wasted". I told him that I haven't seen him all week, and he sees our friends every day, and that I was really hurt that he knew they were being mean to me but still went out with them, but he still insisted on going to the pub. I haven't seen him all week but he has never once told me he missed me or that he's sorry for never having time for me. I told him this, and he didn't deny it. I told him that it was very telling that he didn't deny it, and still nothing. We started arguing and I told him that I am sick of all the crap that goes on (we seem to spend every Friday fighting, and every Saturday making up) and that I wanted out. He repeatedly just told me to "calm down" and just started saying maybe I just have PMS, maybe I'm just being neurotic- he never once looked at things from my point of view. I got really, really mad and just ended it. I couldn't believe that for the sake of a few pints, he'd rather let me get all upset and end it, rather than just say "OK, I'm sorry I've been inconsiderate, I've missed you" etc. I even reminded him that if he is as worried about his college work as he says, why is he going out, knowing he'll be studying with a hangover tomorrow? Now I don't know what to do. When things are good, they are great, but I really can't believe that a few pints is seemingly worth all this to him.
Els Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Okay, about 1 and 2... I'd be pissed as well but I wouldn't think it's my bf's duty to 'defend' me. Why do you make it sound like you're so helpless and can't do anything about that guy who keeps insulting you? If he leaves you alone with that 'friend', you don't need to stay with that 'friend' do you?! Just leave as well, or when he insults you, you can slap him/tell him to be quiet/whatever you want that'd get him to shut up. Just sounds to me that you should be carrying your aggression over to that 'friend', not your bf. As for the 3rd issue, I totally agree with you on this one. If they're MUTUAL friends (not just the guys) and conspire to invite him and not you, I would do two things. Firstly, they wouldn't be my friends anymore. Secondly, I would make him choose. Yes, I would. This is no longer about friends vs gf -- I'd want him to have friends. But this is about people that conspired to leave you out and hurt you -- no way should he go out with them if you're that hurt about being ignored by those same people. No way should they feel that they can do whatever they want with you and he'll be all jolly about it and JOIN them in doing so.
Lucky_One Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I would consider this a short-term relationship that hasn't worked out. When a guy would rather hang out with his friends than with you after only a month of dating, then you have a problem.
Author Blackberries Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 I know...the whole time we've been going out, that'd the longest we'd been apart- and he never even told me he missed me. He is in college with them and sees them every day. We ALWAYS spend Friday nights together. I feel that, by not defending me when I am insulted by people, and by going to events that I am clearly not invited to, he is condoning these people's behaviour. I have told him this many times but he refused to listen, said he needed to go to the pub to get away from stress and that I "just didn't get it".
sotired Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I think you made the right decision. Why waste time on a person who doesn't value you?
sugarmomma Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Secondly, I would make him choose. Yes, I would. This is no longer about friends vs gf -- I'd want him to have friends. But this is about people that conspired to leave you out and hurt you -- no way should he go out with them if you're that hurt about being ignored by those same people. No way should they feel that they can do whatever they want with you and he'll be all jolly about it and JOIN them in doing so. I disagree with this since you can desire someone's loyalty but you can't demand it. He is showing you how he operates in relationships so I would suggest that you get rid of him asap. He doesn't care about you that much.
danb Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Maybe hes just not ready for a relationship, but if he was into you things would have gone very different. Its probably for the best, you two don't sound very compatible if you are fighting often, especially in the first month!
Author Blackberries Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 There have been times before, where he has stayed in/gone out with me because I wanted to, but last night I was really hurt by my friends leaving me out and he went out with them anyway??? He says his "head was melted" and he was "going nuts" because of college work and "just had to" go out- why couldn't he have gone somewhere with me? He keeps bringing up the fact that he has come to health clinics with me when I'm unwell, has helped me with my rent when I can't afford it, etc- but I have been incredibly patient with his issues, such as him always being busy, having performance anxiety, impotence, not lasting 5 minutes when he IS able, messing me around... I could go on.
Mahatma Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 So you have been dating for a month and you expect him to tell off his friends for a girl he just started dating? I would be angry about #2, because you blatantly asked him not to, and he did. THAT was quite rude of him whether or not you two were dating.
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