Jambalaya Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Hi ho there everyone, Jambalaya here and this is my first post, so deepest apologies for my waffling. For the first time in many years, I'm in a relationship. I have been for the last year, with a lovely, funny, quirky, gorgeous chap whom I adore. But there's something about him that does my head in. He couldn't organise a p1ss up in a brewery. Now this I can deal with - I like organising things, dates, events, evenings out. However, for some reason unbeknownst to myself (or probably himself) he just doesn't seem to get that spending quality time together on special occasions is actually a major part of being in a relationship. When we do spend time together, 99% of the time it's because I've organised the whole thing. He does the oh so irritating 'I don't mind, what do you want to do' mating song that just makes us girlies swoon. In the last year of seeing him, he had alternative plans for - My birthday (ok so we only just started seeing each other, so can forgive this) His birthday Christmas New Years Valentines and now Easter. Now I've always been independent, with a busy social life, have lots of friends and a loving family, but I'd actually like to spend some of these times with him as strange as that sounds! When it turned out he made plans to go away for this weekend and had forgotten the plans we had agreed to weeks ago, I mentioned the complete lack of 'holiday' time together, to which he responded 'here we go again!'. This did not bode well for my lips as they went mealy mouthed and pursed and I said 'fine'. Now, despite his total crapness in this matter, he discusses (out loud) and plans (in his head) for our future together - possibly living together, adventures - all that fabulous stuff - which I admit to freaking out a little over, but enjoying at the same time. I don't think I'm needy. I don't ask for much, but the little I do want I don't get - quality time. I don't want to break up with him, however, we've obviously discussed his 'weakness' for 'good intentions' but with no resulting action. He's great for a couple of weeks, then something like this weekend comes up and I can't help thinking "you didn't make my birthday, your birthday, Xmas etc etc" and adding to the list. I hate the idea of becoming a nag or an obsessive shrew. Am I asking too much? I always thought my expectations were quite low LOL
BobSacamento Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 He had other plans for Valentines? LOL What a stud.
Cherished Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 That seems like an unsensitive and hurtful comment, Bob. What is the point of that? It's like you men are together in cheering on men who treat women like crap. How is this comment helping her when she is just asking for insight and advice? You are a jerk, Bob.
Trialbyfire Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Jambalaya, this guy sounds like he puts himself first and foremost before anyone else. In other words, you're not a priority. He's the sole priority. You've stated your needs and he gives you lipservice. At the end of the day, he does whatever he wants to do, ignoring your needs. Don't you think it's time to set up some boundaries? Forget delivering ultimatums. Have one more talk with him about how important this is to you and if he drops the ball again, drop the hammer. Sayonara.
Kaii Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 That whole scenario strikes me as odd....I mean you didn't spend Christmas, New Years or Valentines Day together????? And you're a couple???? Who exactly did he spend these holidays with, anyway? It seems weird to me, I mean you'd think that he would want to share that time with you. I think in relationships, you should always look at the actions and not the words of the other person. You said that he talks about longterm plans between for your future together, but his actions say something else.
spookie Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I had a boyfriend like that. It was constantly hurtful, but he knew exactly how to love me otherwise. In retrospect... I realize he was just weird. Doing normal things for holidays didn't make him happy, and he didn't get why they were important to me, either. If he were just a boyfriend, they wouldn't have been, but I loved him, and I just couldn't wrap my mind around why he'd want to skip V-day to play video games with his friends. It wore us down - his refusal to happily subscribe to the type of relationship I wanted, my surly reactions to these facts and my nagging. We ended up breaking up. Two years later, I still miss him. I often wonder how it would have panned out if I were just a little more chill. If I just appreciated all the wonderful things he brought to my life, that I know I will never find again, instead of focusing on all the ways he fell short from the fairy tale in my head. But at the end of the day... I think it might be easier for me to be with someone who could easily satisfy my cliched, petty needs. To spend Christmas together, sipping hot chocalate by a fireplace (or whatever it is people do. I wouldn't know, I've never had a real Christmas.) If I don't find this with someone, I think I'm always going to feel a little bit lonely.
Author Jambalaya Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 He had other plans for Valentines? LOL What a stud. He had an interview. I'm not the sort of girl who stands in the way of someone's career. Valentines was weird in the sense that not really ever liking or celebrating the day except with friends and vodka, this year I actually felt the need to be pampered.
Author Jambalaya Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Don't you think it's time to set up some boundaries? Forget delivering ultimatums. Have one more talk with him about how important this is to you and if he drops the ball again, drop the hammer. Sayonara. That's kind of my thoughts on the matter. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up and he's planning on taking me away for a weekend - something we rarely do. If he can't sort it out, and by sorting it out, I mean making time and organising something because he actually wants to, not just because I've nagged him into doing it, then even though I love and adore him, I'll have to end it. Otherwise I'll end up thinking of myself as a sucker for rolling over again.
soserious1 Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 He had an interview. I'm not the sort of girl who stands in the way of someone's career. Valentines was weird in the sense that not really ever liking or celebrating the day except with friends and vodka, this year I actually felt the need to be pampered. What sort of job interview takes all day and all night? This guy has managed to avoid spending any time with you on literally every major holiday and both of your birthdays. Huge red flag here, have you considered the possibility that he's married or seeing somebody else?
Author Jambalaya Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 What sort of job interview takes all day and all night? This guy has managed to avoid spending any time with you on literally every major holiday and both of your birthdays. Huge red flag here, have you considered the possibility that he's married or seeing somebody else? It was a practical interview managing a project and a department of real life staff. Done it myself before and it really does take all day. The interview was over the other side of town, so after a full day of interviewing, it would have taken 3 hours to get to me. I didn't intend to spend Valentines moping, so went out and had fun with friends instead and told him to see me the following day. As for seeing someone else - I considered it briefly - after all, spending all major holidays elsewhere is a big ol' sign! However, I'm usually excellent at picking up on stuff like cheating. When we do spend time together, it can be either 4 nights in a row on a working week, or a combination of week nights and weekend days which just accumulates as we go along. There's been two deaths (so funerals and family responsibilities) and his parents visiting the country for the first time in a year and other things. Stuff that I feel I can't complain about - afterall, I'd be mental to say "no you can't go to the funeral" "no you can't see your parents - see me instead!" Real life gets in the way and it's been getting in the way of quality time for a year now. I suppose that adds to my frustration.
loser101 Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I went out with someone like that. He wasn't cheating and he wasn't even selfish in a conventional way. He just had a very different and rather strange approach to life (strange from my point of view, completely normal from his). I was angry at first but then accepted that we were just too different. To be honest I found this guy's complete lack of conventional approach refreshing first because it's good for you I think not to be surrounded by people that are rigid. However, I found I had petty little needs - just like spookie stated - that I wanted satisfied so broke up with him because we just kept arguing about our differences.
Cherished Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I don't think those are petty little needs because a man who loves you includes you in those plans or assumes you will be together. I don't think he's emotionally invested in the relationship and when he talks about the future, it is all lipservice. Frankly, I would not be sexually intimate with him for a long time.
peteyj Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Who has a full day interview on a Saturday? Valentines day was on a Saturday this year. I would understand retail and places like that but I highly doubt somebody has a full day professional interview on a Saturday that so happens to be the Valentines day. And even if he did have an interview, how hard is it to make a plan for Friday night or Sunday? Sounds like a lame excuse to me. Most women love valentines day so normally you try attempt to make it special and nice. As far as the other holidays, who knows. If he goes to hang out with his family and you go to hang out with yours, that happens often. Nothing wrong with that. Eventually a compromise might need to be made, but sometimes it's hard if you're close with your family and he's close with his. However if he made plans with you and then at the last minute backed out, the reality is he's an azzhole not worth the time of day. If he already made plans with you and then at the last minute backs out to go see your family or spend a holiday with you, then move on. Why waste your time with somebody like that. Relationships are about compromise and sometimes spending the holidays or birthdays with your significant other is what its all about. If you don't want that, then stay single.
Trialbyfire Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I went out with someone like that. He wasn't cheating and he wasn't even selfish in a conventional way. He just had a very different and rather strange approach to life (strange from my point of view, completely normal from his). I was angry at first but then accepted that we were just too different. To be honest I found this guy's complete lack of conventional approach refreshing first because it's good for you I think not to be surrounded by people that are rigid. However, I found I had petty little needs - just like spookie stated - that I wanted satisfied so broke up with him because we just kept arguing about our differences. I do strongly agree that compatibility is key. If your differences are extensive, then any relationship is going to fail, whether in the short or long-term. Love is never enough, not even close. ALL needs are petty, if you look at it that way, so I don't think that's a valid argument "for" someone like this. He's either going to step up to the plate or adhere to his needs, which are equally petty, on the scale of things...
loser101 Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 when I said 'petty need' I was a little sarcastic. To be honest I cant stand Valentine's and I tell my SOs not to bother - some are offended! The point is, you need to be with someone that holds the same things important. If u are both really chilled than thats cool too
Trialbyfire Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 In essence, sharing the same currency for love. When one party denigrates or dismisses the other party's currency, then never the 'twain shall meet!
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