vessv6l Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Hey all . First post. Been reading some others and i take comfort in the knowledge that others are going through the same thing and im not completely alone in this world My story. Seperated from my gf 2 weeks ago, Was with her for just over 3 years. Her decision, didnt see it coming and got heart broken. In hindsight i didnt do the little things that really showed her i loved her as much as i did. However she was speaking to another guy for a couple of weeks before we broke up, she was getting emotional reassurance from this guy that she could do better and deserved better then me. I always treated her with respect and dignity but yeah didnt always tell her that i loved her. I did love her unreservedly. So she ended it with me and immediately began spending time with this other guy. After a week she slept with him. I spoke to her the day after and unfortunately i wasnt in the right frame of mind to really say what i was feeling, i was too happy to see her. I tried to ask for a second chance to do things differently but she didnt want to. Obvioulsy she wants to see what happens with this guy. Or being with this guy is keeping the lonely feels in her at bay. Is this guy just a rebound thing for her? Unforuntately i still love her considerably and want to get back with her. I could even look past the fact that she slept with someone else so soon after me. Is that selling myself short? Im not even sure if she misses me at all. Its very hard for me to forget what we had for 3 years and it seems so easy for her to let go. I want to let go of hope that we may get back together in future because i dont think its healthy but its very hard. She was a superb girl who had her flaws but dont we all? Will she try to contact me again? i got the lets be friends speech etc but that doesnt seem doable at the moment. She also said that she wouldnt be able to appreciate me in future because of our past? To me that sounds like shes trying convince herself or me that she has made the best decision. Will she regrett it? I do only hope she finds happiness in her life but i felt that i could have been the one to give her that. I wish i had another chance but everything seems pretty hopeless atm. The world seems so much more lonely without her
Darkness7 Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I'm sorry you are going through this and that you are feeling so much pain. It sounds like your gf felt you didn't love her as much anymore, because like you said, maybe you didn't show it as much anymore, (not saying you loved her any less!) and she seems to haven taken 'comfort' in spending time with this other guy. I personally don't think that she's just fallen out of love with you and is over your 3 year relationship just like that. I think she wanted to feel cared about and loved and maybe this guy is making her feel that way, but that doesn't mean that she'd not rather have you be that special guy. I think maybe all you can do at the moment is give her some time and space. I know this will be really hard because you're bound to be worried and jealous of the 'other guy', but anything you do or say now will just push her further away. Write her a letter maybe, telling her how you feel and appologising that you haven't shown her lately how much you love her, tell her you are still there for her and that you still love her very much. Then leave it at that. No more contact after that. Don't call her, don't text her, don't email her. You need to give her a chance to miss you and she won't see what life is like without you if you're constantly 'there' and trying to get her back. If it's meant to be, she will realise what she's lost and she will want to come back to you. Good luck, mate.
Author vessv6l Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 Yes i think your right. I did alot of things for her, but they were big things, i didnt do enough of the little things, ie show her affection enough etc. I have sent her a letter a week again(email) telling her how i feel and what i though i had done wrong and how i would try to make things better but it didnt really change anything. She is still set in her ways of moving on from me. I find it hard to understand how she can move on from me as easily as she has when i find it extremely difficult to push her out of my mind. I feel betrayed by my thoughts when im trying to keep my spirits up and keep busy but then suddenly i think about things we have done or how she smiled at me and im suddenly brought right back down. She told me that she doenst feel right asking someone to change for her, but i feel that i want to be a better man for her. I think its healthy to have someone you want to be a better person for, who brings out a better side in you. I know i wasnt perfect but if i didnt have her i wouldnt be able to recognise these things now, and i woudlnt be able to change for the better. I believe if you truly love someone you will do whatever is necessary for that love to grow. That is how i feel about her but unfortunately because of how things have gone i have been trying to dampen those feelings now, hoping they will slowly switch off. I dont believe in any fate expect the life that we make our own. I refuse to believe that our relationship was "fated" to break up and that it was only a learning experience. Having said that though atm i am trying to plan my future without her. Even if she decided to give things another go now and she hadnt made a decision regarding this new guy she would always have a "what if" thought in her head. The only thing i want now is for her to feel loved again in my arms
Darkness7 Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Yes i think your right. I did alot of things for her, but they were big things, i didnt do enough of the little things, ie show her affection enough etc. I have sent her a letter a week again(email) telling her how i feel and what i though i had done wrong and how i would try to make things better but it didnt really change anything. She is still set in her ways of moving on from me. I find it hard to understand how she can move on from me as easily as she has when i find it extremely difficult to push her out of my mind. I feel betrayed by my thoughts when im trying to keep my spirits up and keep busy but then suddenly i think about things we have done or how she smiled at me and im suddenly brought right back down. She told me that she doenst feel right asking someone to change for her, but i feel that i want to be a better man for her. I think its healthy to have someone you want to be a better person for, who brings out a better side in you. I know i wasnt perfect but if i didnt have her i wouldnt be able to recognise these things now, and i woudlnt be able to change for the better. I believe if you truly love someone you will do whatever is necessary for that love to grow. That is how i feel about her but unfortunately because of how things have gone i have been trying to dampen those feelings now, hoping they will slowly switch off. I dont believe in any fate expect the life that we make our own. I refuse to believe that our relationship was "fated" to break up and that it was only a learning experience. Having said that though atm i am trying to plan my future without her. Even if she decided to give things another go now and she hadnt made a decision regarding this new guy she would always have a "what if" thought in her head. The only thing i want now is for her to feel loved again in my arms It's good that you're planning your future without her at the moment, then you can only be overjoyed when things turn out for the better. And I do believe it will make you a stronger person and if she does come back, it will make your relationship even stronger. She probably feels like you have hurt her and let down...give her time to deal with those feelings and figure out what she wants from there. Have a good Easter.
Groovy Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I don't think she's moved on either as 3 years is a long time. I lost a 2 year relationship 5 months ago and have consumed myself with dates to make myself feel better. I also had sex, (unfortunately the guy was awful in bed). On these dates I think "I should be with him", he was my soul mate. Not that my ex plans to change but he got wind I was already dating and got confrontational about it. Like you, I believe my ex has mixed feelings about it ending. I also go through a lot of pain. But all you can do is tell yourself she is not there. You left the door open for her and she didn't come back. There's not much else you can do but accept her choice. As far as yourself, love yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy. Try and move forward even if it feels like your doing it in slow motion. Although it's hard try to keep focus elsewhere on what's right in your life. Two weeks is not very long. Your pain is still fresh.
Author vessv6l Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 I want her to miss me and what we had but dont think she is atm. She tells her friends she is happier at where she is now I know she was happy with me at some time and we were both very much in love. This new guy she was speaking to was the catalyst of the breakup, she admitted to her friend that if he wasnt in the picture she would still be with me, although she still wouldnt be sure if it was what she wanted. Some people tell me that she hasnt had a chance to deal with everything yet. It has only been 2 weeks and she has been spending alot of time with this other guy, so hes been keeping her company when otherwise she might feel lonely. Im leaving for another state in 2 weeks for some training and will be away for 3 or 4 months. I hope by that stage im at a much stronger point where i dont care that we broke up, but i loved her very deeply and wanted to spend my life with her. I know she loved me before and i want to be worthy of her love again. Not sure what the future holds but its going to be very lonely for a while She would tell me that i was her world and she would marry me in a second. I should have asked her when i had the chance, but now it seems my oppitunity has gone for good
Groovy Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 If someone is a soul mate the opportunity for marraige doesn't just pass. It stays open at any time, unless that person just wants to get hitched to anyone, anyplace, anytime, etc. Who wants that? She might be happy now. I do weird things where when I break up after an LTR part of me feels relief that I don't have to deal with the conflict and the fighting that caused it to end. Months later I look back and wish I had worked those problems out and miss that person tremendously wishing I could rewind. Other relationships I look back and think wow, I made the right choice! Who knows which one she will fall into.
Author vessv6l Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Not sure what she will feel in time. Guess thats the uncertainty of the future. For a majority of the relationship we were great together. But the last few months she has been going threw changes i guess she isnt sure about her life as it was any more. We never had any fights, more disagreements that we got over. I did things for her that no one has ever done to make her feel special and im sure it did. But she said she felt alone in the relationship for a couple of months at the end but never told me she was feeling that way. I didnt do all i could to show her i loved her as much, i have to live with that. What ever happens in the future ill be sure to not make that mistake again. This split does work in my favor in a way because now i can leave this place and train fulltime whereas before i was going to come back here every 2 weeks to be with her. If i had a choice though i would choose to be with her. Just seems she has got over me quite quickly but i hope in time she will miss what we had together and see that i have changed. Or i could have someone else in my life by then who can say. I dont like this lonely feeling
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 You dont like that lonely feeling than go out on dates.... your single again remember. You have to show her your moving on by not pining after her.
Author vessv6l Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 NC this week and for quite a while, she wont know im pining after her. But want to give myself 3 months to move on. Dont want to lead someone on and then not be able to commit
Ayla Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Hey, Not sure if you have read my thread that I put up yesterday...but it seems that we have a very very weirdly similar story - the only difference is that my bf was ,ore like you in that he did not show me how much he loved by doing the little things...or by telling very often. But like you - it was very sudden and I have gone over and over it in my head (to the point where I am grasping at straws) to find signs or something that suggested we were going to break up - and there is nothing! Up until the day I thought we were really happy. 3 days after breaking up - he slept with someone else - which was apparently just sex - but it hurts! Today it has been 2 weeks since I have heard from him - and it is killing me. I thought that I would have - if he cared. My friends think that he has not contacted me for a number of reasons - 1.I told him not to. 2. he is knows how much he hurt me and can not face me and 3. he does not want to give me the wrong idea as he needs his time. So what am I doing to try and not think too much - I left the country we were living in. Moving back to my home country. Trying to hang out with people I know as much as possible. Watching DVDs, reading books, talking to people on the phone, swimming, looking for a job and a home...anything to keep my mind occupied. At night time - sleeping tablets have been helping me. I also wrote him a letter which he should be recieving any day now....and really that is all I can do. Keep taking one step at a time. Hopefully things work out for you. I know I hope mine does and he realises what he has lost. But either way i know that it is his loss and that I was the best thing that happened to him. One day he will regret it...but who klnows where I will be, what I will be doing etc etc.
Groovy Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 It sounds like you both dated people who didn't communicate. I would rather argue about something that not know a problem existed. People who do that sabotage things in the long term and I wouldn't blame yourself for that. It sounds like you have a job that required you to be away from her. Maybe that's why she felt alone? (Not so much your actions). While that can be difficult for both of you I don't think that's something you can put on yourself either. We all need a job. I know plenty of people with military jobs, commercial contractors, etc in similar shoes and they met the right one who can handle the periods of absence. If she couldn't deal with that than she isn't the right one for you, even with all the good qualities. It will get better. Hang in there!
Author vessv6l Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Its just pilot training at this stage. Not sure maybe that had something to do with it. But i thought our love was strong enough to get threw anything. Communication issues definetly contributed to our split. Each morning i wake up and immediately think of her. I had a dream that i woke up from this morning that i can remember as clear as if it happened. I got to hold her and talk to her again. All it has done is remind me vividly of what i no longer have. Why is my mind punishing me like this? I wish i could slip into a hibernating state until ive healed
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