jealousagain Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little under 9 months. Our relationship is, in my opinion, perfect, except for one thing: he still talks to his ex. They were together for several years, and married for one of them. They divorced, and I believe it was at her request. He says it's because they were miserable together, that he never should have married her, etc. Their split was friendly, apparently. She lives, by the way, several hours away. Four months or so into our relationship, he went to the wedding of some close friends and came back to tell me that he was feeling distant and weird because his ex was there. I thought for sure that he cheated on me then, but he says he didn't and I'm trying to believe and trust him. I think it's a little far-fetched for someone to just SEE their ex and be all upset about it if they don't still have feelings for them. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me, and he said that he did. Then, a few months ago, she sent him a birthday gift. I asked him about it (he didn't tell me, I saw the packaging for it), and he told me then that they had been talking the whole time that we have been seeing each other. I expressed that I had some problems with the fact that they were talking. I asked him if he was over the split, and he said that he had made his peace with it. Now the thing is, he doesn't talk to me much about his conversations with her. I trust that he would tell me if there were talk about getting back together and he said that there was nothing like that going on and that I would just have to trust him. I am just not one of those people who believes in talking to exes unless I want them back or still have feelings for them in some way... I don't talk to any of mine, and I don't really want to. Our relationship is going really well outside of this, though. I'm serious when I say I think he's the perfect guy for me, and our relationship has been wonderful. He tells me that he loves me, and I believe him. I love him, too. I am trying to trust him, but I feel that either his actions or my jealousy makes it hard for me to do that. Help, please! Thanks in advance.
Author jealousagain Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 Forgot to mention that, before we got together, they were divorced for about a year.
sotired Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I'd say there is still something between them. He may not be sleeping with her, but it seems they have a strong connection. My boyfriend and I broke up for several months. He dated another girl, but still snuck away to talk to me almost daily. I don't think he would have continued to communicate with me if he didn't have feelings and he dumped rebound girl shortly after and we've been back together ever since. I've never been with a man that was that close to his ex. If they have kids together it's understandable, but if not, I'd run.
Sco Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 There's no doubt something happened at that wedding, [not necessarily sex]. It is apparent that they have an emotional connection if not physical. All you can do is tell him how uncomfortable you are with this whole ex situation. It seems you have done that already, so together you must come up with a plan that would satisfy both of you. It’s one thing to be in love, but in your case without some good boundaries with his ex, things are more likely to go downhill from here. So talk to him openly, and if he cares enough about you, I’m sure he’ll do whatever necessary to fix things. To me ex is ex = past, I don’t talk to exes unless it is absolutely necessary. There’s no need for casual talk with exes when you’re a new relationship. That’s just how I do it, that’s just how I see it. Good luck to you.
Dolly Parton Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Honey, He is disrespecting you and your feelings and you are being way too understanding about it all. Sounds to me like his EX still has feelings by sending presents for birthdays. Put the shoe on the other foot - if you were still talking to your ex, being distant with him after seeing your ex and talking with your ex without being too transparent about it - would he be happy? Nope, thought not.
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