confused gurl Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Hi im a 30something year old female and i am in need of some help! my current bf and i have been together for alittle over 2 years we are in a long distance relationship a few months back we started fighthing alot daily and not speaking to each other and so on let me include that there was also financial problems in the situation as well he didnt call he texted me "sometimes" we fought alot! and really over stupied little things well now i can say its stupied ofcourse but back then it was a big deal im not gonna get into what those were about as i dont think it is nessecary to do so anyways hes always been the sweet caring do the right thing kinda man up until those few months it was hard and stressful lost his job etc etc me being away i helped in any way possible then i started to get these not so good feelings like i knew something was wrong and not right so i had to find out to make a long story short i went to see if my feeling were correct and i saw him kissing another woman i cant get over it! we still talk and i have forgiven but i cannot forget! he clams it was "nothing" i know i dont trust him like i use to but will it get better? or just get worst? should i not speak to him at all? he doesnt seem to think its cheating altho i see it as it is .. im having a hard time to deal with this and im thinking about seeking counseling. maybe i can get past it maybe not i love him alot and if we cant be together then i still want him happy i dont know why i want him happy cause it really hurts me. ive done nothing but help him in ever obstacle that he has came across and i feel ive invested so much.. is it time to move on ? or is there enough in my heart to salvage? i am insecure now and i have trusting issues on top of that to make it worst... is it me? am i wrong? i dont know what to do or how.. i know these things take time to get over but does it have to be a struggle daily? is this fixable? i am confused and trying not to ruin what we have left.. please reply
KikiW Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Ok, had a little trouble following your post. Next time please use punctuation and separate paragraphs, it will help and likely get a few more replies. If I got it right, you've been with this guy for about 2 years but you've started not communicating well a couple months ago, and it led up to you seeing him kiss some other girl. And he thinks that's not cheating. Short answer: move on. The relationship has turned south. That you caught him kissing someone else and he thinks it's no big deal tells me he's emotionally detached from you. If he loved you and cared about you, he wouldn't have been swapping spit with someone else, and if - in some drunken stupor - his lips DID connect with lips other than yours, he should be horribly ashamed of his behavior and doing everything he can to make it up to you. But he's not. Just my opinion though.
Rollercoasterr Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Ok, had a little trouble following your post. Next time please use punctuation and separate paragraphs, it will help and likely get a few more replies. If I got it right, you've been with this guy for about 2 years but you've started not communicating well a couple months ago, and it led up to you seeing him kiss some other girl. And he thinks that's not cheating. Short answer: move on. The relationship has turned south. That you caught him kissing someone else and he thinks it's no big deal tells me he's emotionally detached from you. If he loved you and cared about you, he wouldn't have been swapping spit with someone else, and if - in some drunken stupor - his lips DID connect with lips other than yours, he should be horribly ashamed of his behavior and doing everything he can to make it up to you. But he's not. Just my opinion though. I second that. All of it.
Author confused gurl Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 Im sorry for not using proper spelling or whatever. But i think that you misunderstood me. I guess maybe its my fault i apologize again.. Let me make this clear as i can. Bare with me its my first post.. Ok so you know that much that he kiss another woman. Oh it kills to think about but anyway not that he doesnt think that its a big deal altho he did said it was nothing.. He apologized and is making up for it.. As soon as he knew that i was there he stopped whatever it was with that woman. Oh and on another note i recently found out that she knew that i was in the picture. Hes since moved out of that state sold his house and moved.. As family matters of mines prevents me for being with him for now. I dont know if that matters any but i wanted to tell you..im just not sure what to do because it seems maybe i cannot get over it. I try to block it out .. We have talked openly about it and im non trusting am i wrong to be this way? Maybe it is my fault for not being there cause i have to take care of a sick family member which he knew from the start i am trying to get over it..i want to trust him like i use to.. When he goes out i get paranoid if he dont call me back on time then i feel stupied cause why am i getting like that. And at other times i feel insecure.. Then i start to treat him badly and not realize it i may have forgiven but it does not let me escape the consequences! Ive talk to him earning trust back and he knows that. But he thinks its so easy to just get over it. I dont know i just want to know if i am wrong in feeling this way for not being able to trust completly.. Cause at some point i do feel horrible.. Like im ruining it all.. And sometimes it feels like its going back to the same things fight alot .. Angry ..i just want to know some advice if i am wrong in feeling this way.. This is how i look at it it might be wrong to think this but im confused and try to make up any excuse.. I feel i didnt just wake up one day and not trust .. He is to blame for some of it .. And at some point i look at it as behind every woman theres a man that made her that way.. Ugh i dont know.. Im sorry if im harsh im really a nice person i have done nothing but to help this man out invested money time and patience.. But am i ready to give up? I dont think i am strong enough for that right now... Andi do feel sometimes i am wrong in not trusting so i just wanted advice.. Thank you in advance if you can help me! Thank you..
TMichaels Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Im sorry for not using proper spelling or whatever. But i think that you misunderstood me. I guess maybe its my fault i apologize again.. Let me make this clear as i can. Bare with me its my first post.. confused gurl, Whether you can spell or not is not the problem. It's the fact that your posts are very hard to read because you are writing them as ONE BIG PARAGRAPH. If you'd break up your post into paragraphs, others would be able to follow your story a lot better, and be able to help you sort through the dilemma you're facing right now. Having said that, I THINK what you're asking is, is it wrong that you are having a hard time getting over your boyfriend kissing another woman -- even IF he has apologized? If the understanding you had with this guy was that you were in an exclusive relationship, then of course, you should be upset. He violated the agreement you two had and your trust. People aren't lightbulbs. You can't turn feelings on and off at the flip of a switch. Of course, your b/f is over it. He wasn't hurt by what happened -- YOU WERE -- and him pushing you to move past this indiscretion is only making it harder for you to trust him again. BTW, you say he's apologized, but what was "his excuse" for kissing this other woman in the first place? "The reason" alone, (or the lack of one), may be part of the reason why you're having so much much trouble pardoning him. Hope this helps. Best, TMichaels
KikiW Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I'd also like to add that just because he stopped what he was doing when he knew you were in the room doesn't really make it better. It just shows that he knew he was doing something you wouldn't like. And like TMichaels said about the lightbulbs, there must be something still nagging at you about this guy. I don't know how long it's been since he moved, how long it's been since this kiss, etc, but something isn't letting you move forward from this. Does he not call when he says he will? Is he cagey about where he's been and who he's with just in the general flow of conversation?
Island Girl Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 First: I am glad you have found this little community and welcome you. But as others have said you need to split up your posts. Long posts that aren't broken up into small paragraphs are just too hard to follow. Your boyfriend refuses to acknowledge that it is cheating. That in itself can leave you spinning without resolution because if he doesn't acknowledge that what he did was wrong and it was cheating, then how can you be assured he wouldn't do it again. He also isn't bending over backwards to try to make it up to you as he should be. And I don't think he will because he thinks you are making a big deal over nothing. You ask if you have enough in your heart to salvage. That is something only you would know. Now the real question is should you. I don't think so. I think this guy is taking advantage of you and he has already been unfaithful. We don't even know if all there ever has been is a kiss. That is just all we know about. I don't think there is enough of a commitment on his side to rebuild the trust especially long distance. You should have it be done and over with. Move on to someone who appreciates you and sees things the same way you do.
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