Darkness7 Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 My fiancee walked out on me 3 weeks ago because she had personal issues and said she needed some time alone to sort those out before she could be any 'good' to our relationship. (She's suffering from really bad depression and has a lot of family issues at the moment.) She's 25 by the way. We haven't really spoken since the break-up, she was very upset as well and was so confused about what she was feeling that she was saying one thing one day and something entirely different the next. She has always been honest with me, that's why I know that she's not just making things up, she is genuinely not thinking rationally. I went NC with her and when I maintained that for a week, she suddenly started contacting me and asking what was going on and that she misses me and still loves me and just needs a little while longer. I replied to her email and kept all emotions out of it, just answered the questions she asked. Many of the things she said and asked she knew the answer to anyway or they didn't need one, so she prob just used it as an 'excuse' to contact me. Things were basically looking up. We went the next 2 weeks with my initiated NC and now she's suddenly deleted me off her FB and MSN. Is this a really bad sign or is that just her way of NC and dealing with her feelings without having to 'see' me all the time? Or did she do it cos she knew it would 'normally' trigger a reaction from me and she wanted that cos I was going NC? I also feel like I just can't move on. Like she's my one true love. I had a whole week of just sitting and crying at home and then I tried to pick myself back up and went out to meet new people, just as friends, and it was working, I was actually ok when I was spending time with them. Some days I even thought things would be just fine even if she never came back. But I really think that that's not how I truly feel deep down inside. I think I'm trying to make myself believe that I am ok, because otherwise I couldn't deal with the pain. I really want to maintain the NC though, not even ask her how she is or anything, because I feel anything I say will just be perceived negatively by her, like I'm not giving her space. But I just love her so much and I would still do anything for her and I'd forgive her everything if she just comes back to me. I really feel she is my true love and that no one could 'fill that void', even if I was to be in another relationship. I have nightmares about her leaving and wake up with panic attacks. I don't know what to do anymore. Can anyone help me understand what I'm feeling?
Scorpio13c Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Darkness, You're feeling the loss of someone, that I think you know, was just not right for you. It hurts just the same, but judging from your thoughts expressed, if someone new & better were to come along, you'd be just fine with that. Sometimes the notion of "Love" is just that, a notion. I think your ex left you because she didn't see you as the right one. I also think you picked up on that somewhere along the line & now are experiencing the reality of it. She only contacted you when she started to realize the gravity of it too. Keep N.C. & know that you'll meet someone better for you eventually. All my best wishes for you, there is "Light" somewhere! Scorp
fatslice Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I do feel your pain bro, and all the questions that remain unanswered is buzzing around in your head. First off would be a good idea to write everything you think of down on a paper. It kinda clear your head up and maybe you get a new perspective on things. Are you not sure there are things in your relationship that made this happen ...one tend to supress those thoughts because you are in the pain you feel and you get the comfort of hope. The unanswered questions gives you hope and you can make of them what you think. Also one is left with "I dont understand why this happened" ...when there might be a good explanation to it. But the fact that she cut you of facebook and MSN for the sole reason of NC, then I would consider that a good thing rather than bad. Why would she do this if she cant cope with you. Obviously there are feelings here ...or reasons you havent explained that makes a good reason not to "have you around". When you did the NC thing for a long time, you might have given her the impression that you were over here or something. Maybe you didnt express much love for her in the relationship and she didnt trust you being commited or something. The NC could work both ways ...there is no recipy for this and all relationships have their own unique story. Like I said, writing things down is a good way of coping with your panic attacks. My personal opinion is to actually contact her, get answer to your questions. You have already given her space ...you need answers to your questions and she is the only one who can give it to you. Write her a letter, then she can answer when she feels like it. I think she has the right to know how you feel and maybe that is what she wants to hear. A handwritten letter has so much impact. Write it so that she knows she has to answer it, be spesific and express your feelings but dont pour it out. You have already gone through the effort writing it so she will know how you feel about her:)
Author Darkness7 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 I do feel your pain bro, and all the questions that remain unanswered is buzzing around in your head. First off would be a good idea to write everything you think of down on a paper. It kinda clear your head up and maybe you get a new perspective on things. Are you not sure there are things in your relationship that made this happen ...one tend to supress those thoughts because you are in the pain you feel and you get the comfort of hope. The unanswered questions gives you hope and you can make of them what you think. Also one is left with "I dont understand why this happened" ...when there might be a good explanation to it. But the fact that she cut you of facebook and MSN for the sole reason of NC, then I would consider that a good thing rather than bad. Why would she do this if she cant cope with you. Obviously there are feelings here ...or reasons you havent explained that makes a good reason not to "have you around". When you did the NC thing for a long time, you might have given her the impression that you were over here or something. Maybe you didnt express much love for her in the relationship and she didnt trust you being commited or something. The NC could work both ways ...there is no recipy for this and all relationships have their own unique story. Like I said, writing things down is a good way of coping with your panic attacks. My personal opinion is to actually contact her, get answer to your questions. You have already given her space ...you need answers to your questions and she is the only one who can give it to you. Write her a letter, then she can answer when she feels like it. I think she has the right to know how you feel and maybe that is what she wants to hear. A handwritten letter has so much impact. Write it so that she knows she has to answer it, be spesific and express your feelings but dont pour it out. You have already gone through the effort writing it so she will know how you feel about her:) Thanks for your reply, mate. I've written down everything and I have come to the conclusion that we were both really stressed about other things that made us not appreciate each other anymore and constantly argue. But it was only 1 bad month in our 5 year relationship...surely that can't just make her throw everything away? I am still in NC with her, I don't know if she's thinking I'm being cold and that I'm just 'over her.' I feel like I shouldn't contact her because she deleted me...or should I? I don't know what she is thinking so I don't know which is better. I'm so scared of pushing her away more either way. I sent her that letter, where I told her how I really feel and how sorry I was that I didn't show it as much in the past month. She hasn't replied to it. The deleting me happened after she read it.
fatslice Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Its hard to say ...depends when you sent that letter. Maybe you should wait some more? Its more a guessing game at the moment. That she deleted you after you wrote that letter doesnt make sense - but there could be more to it than that. Are you telling her something you should have told her earlier in your relationship ...as if she is saying "why do you bring this to the table now and not earlier?" Where there some commitment issues in your relationship? Does she feel that she has wasted 5 years of her life in a relationship that went nowhere? There could be many reasons. It still is a childish behaviour not to respond ...you need closure one way or another - if not to the relationship, at least get some answers to your questions. You say you are still in NC with her, but you have sent her that letter ...so there is a good reason for you to have NC after sending her that letter. Dont you have any contact with her friends or family? You spent 5 years with this woman ...there is no right or wrong here I believe.
Author Darkness7 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Its hard to say ...depends when you sent that letter. Maybe you should wait some more? Its more a guessing game at the moment. That she deleted you after you wrote that letter doesnt make sense - but there could be more to it than that. Are you telling her something you should have told her earlier in your relationship ...as if she is saying "why do you bring this to the table now and not earlier?" Where there some commitment issues in your relationship? Does she feel that she has wasted 5 years of her life in a relationship that went nowhere? There could be many reasons. It still is a childish behaviour not to respond ...you need closure one way or another - if not to the relationship, at least get some answers to your questions. You say you are still in NC with her, but you have sent her that letter ...so there is a good reason for you to have NC after sending her that letter. Dont you have any contact with her friends or family? You spent 5 years with this woman ...there is no right or wrong here I believe. I sent her the letter a couple of days after she walked out on me. I just told her how I felt about her and that I was sorry if I seemed more distant lately and haven't really been there that much because of work. We did not have any commitment issues. From what I know is, she gets childish when she feels upset and hurt and she will cut herself off from that person. Then she realises what she has done and regrets it but it might take ages with her to realise things. I have tried to contact her family, but they never liked me, they also told me she just needs some space because she has 'personal problems' at the moment.
fatslice Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Then I would suggest to stay with the NC for a while longer. You have contacted her family which hopefully will let her know. You sent her that letter. Is there anything more you can do at the moment? You can show up and have a talk with her. Get some answers. "If you love them, let them go - if they love you back they will return" ...that is if you have done all that you could for now. Then its easier for you to accept the situation as it is. Try to forget about it for a while. You just have to ...it will tear you to pieces otherwise ps. would be great if you could ad your thoughts regarding my post you commented on:)
kizik Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 You don't deserve to be walked out on, ignored, deleted. Let her know that if she wants you, she has to take you while you're here, or else you've got your own life to live and it'll be fine without her.
Author Darkness7 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 You don't deserve to be walked out on, ignored, deleted. Let her know that if she wants you, she has to take you while you're here, or else you've got your own life to live and it'll be fine without her. Won't she feel like I'm pressurising her though if she's asked for some time on her own?
Author Darkness7 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Then I would suggest to stay with the NC for a while longer. You have contacted her family which hopefully will let her know. You sent her that letter. Is there anything more you can do at the moment? You can show up and have a talk with her. Get some answers. "If you love them, let them go - if they love you back they will return" ...that is if you have done all that you could for now. Then its easier for you to accept the situation as it is. Try to forget about it for a while. You just have to ...it will tear you to pieces otherwise ps. would be great if you could ad your thoughts regarding my post you commented on:) I commented on your post again. Yeah, I contacted her family who have told me she's trying to deal with 'personal problems' and I should please give her time. In a way I feel she owes me an answer cos she never gave me a proper explanation, but then again, we aren't even oficially broken up I guess, she never said anything about it really. I'm trying to forget the whole situation at the moment. The same advice I gave you, then I can only be surprised in a good way if things turn out positive for us.
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