Miss him - hope he's missing me!

[Sher417]

sad_ dude, I totally understand your predicament. I'm at a loss, too, right now, and here's why.

 

I'm 41, and have had my share of boyfriends. Always was upset when we broke up, but have never truly been in love, before now.

 

Met the supposed love of my life, just in October, via online dating. Been together since November, 2008. Man, he swept me off my feet! It was only about date six that he was professing undying love for me. I said it was too soon, but only about two days later, confessed that I was in love with him, too.

 

He's a wonderful, part-time (week on, week off) dad to two lovely daughters, ages nine & 16. I get along well with both of them. My life has been totally chaotic for months, though he's been strong, and supportive of me, throughout: My mother (I live with her) went into a nursing home in Jan., my dad's cancer has returned (albeit treatable, thank God), his wife went in for a day surgery in Jan., and they screwed it up & she's still in intensive care, my company's experiencing layoff after layoff, etc., etc., etc. But, throughout it all, I've been strong, because he's been at my side.

 

I truly thought I'd found my soulmate! I am so in love with this person, and that elated me, because I thought I'd never find true love, given my track record. And, even more incredible, was that he was professing it, too (and backing it up with very caring actions).

 

So, I thought all was well. We'd even discussed marriage (one day - but, he's only legally separated from his ex, who's around all the time...was a cause for concern, but they're friends, for their kids, so he says. I've even met the ex), or at least, moving in with him, after his daughter goes to university.

 

Well, last week, he went away on business. Our thing, when he does that, is to chat on MSN Messenger. Well, the first day, he didn't even tell me he hadn't gone yet - he was still here. I caught up with him the next day (Tuesday), via a text. His reply was very proper & unlike him. Said he'd catch up with me online later. Stayed up late. No online.

 

This happened a myriad of times that week, followed by flimsy excuses (computer frozen; sorry, out late, etc.). I had sent him a very important email that I thought he'd reply to, about my family. No response, until a very terse email, I think it was on the Friday.

 

Finally, caught up with him last Saturday night, online, and asked him what was going on - that he was acting weird. He said "I know".

 

He said he didn't think he could give me what I needed (moving in, marriage), and that I needed someone who could love me as much as I love them (thought that was him!!!). I asked if there was anyone else (including the ex - his house is a shrine to her, quite frankly - pictures all over the place, a carved nameplate by his bed of her surname - weird!), or if he was looking. He neither confirmed nor denied, just said "it's not about that". Huh???

 

I said he mustn't love me anymore. He said he didn't know, but then said "I need a shrink - why can't I love anybody but my kids?". Now, I've always commended him on being a wonderful dad, and I've totally understood how he puts his kids first (I insisted on it, too!), but this came out of left field.

 

He said that I love him, and that he wants to feel that, too, but can't. Up until that week, it was a given that a) he felt the same way I did and b) that we had a future together!

 

I was blown away. I told him that, yes, I do love him, but it's evident he doesn't love me. And, if that was the case, goodbye (never in my wildest dreams did I ever want that!). But, then I suggested that perhaps he did love me (remember, it was only a four-month relationship - love can GROW - I didn't expect it to be marriage material so soon, and I regret bringing it up, even though he did first!), but everything else may've been clouding it (besides my family/job problems, he has his share, too), and if that was the case, perhaps time away from me would clarify things.

 

So, I signed off (quite rude that this all happened on Messenger, don't you think???), and haven't contacted him since. I won't, either.

 

My feeling is this: If he misses me, wants to reunite with me, and act like a grownup (he's 43!!!), he knows where to find me.

 

I'm devastated, but am getting through this. I've never been the type of woman who's fantasized about her wedding day, but this one was, I thought, a keeper. I was excited about spending my life with him.

 

Sorry for the long diatribe, everyone, and thanks for listening. My question to you is this: Do you think he's just scared, or involved with someone else? I have a feeling he may be back online, or could've been even while we were together.

 

He said he was a coward, when I asked him why he'd never told me any of this before. Obviously it must've been bugging him for some time, though his actions/the loving look in his eyes/his touch/his words/his kisses were always filled with complete & utter love for me. Can someone fake this??? He deserves an Oscar, if the answer to that question is "yes"!!!

 

TOTALLY CONFUSED!!!!

[Darkness7]

I'm really sorry you are going through this and feeling so much pain at the moment.

 

Do you think he might be having some sort of a mental breakdown or something? Does he suffer from depression or anything? It doesn't really sound to me as if someone else is involved, although I don't understand why he's got a 'shrine' dedicated to his ex if he's so much in love with you...maybe he is just really confused and doesn't know what he wants anymore - it does happen! Maybe that's why he hasn't been replying to your emails or been online because he just needs some time on his own to sort out his head. Sometimes people push away the ones they love most when they are confused or hurting. They do irrational things that make them seem totally out of character and make us wonder if they ever loved us.

 

How is NC going with him? Has he tried contacting you or anything?

[Sher417]

Thank you for your reply. Made me feel a lot better, but yes, still hurting (of course).

 

No, he hasn't tried contacting me. He has the kids for Easter this weekend, so I'm sure he's swamped with family stuff. Next week ought to be a telling one, though. He'll have the first week since our breakup to himself, and next Friday is my birthday. My thoughts on this are scattered as to whether or not he'll contact me on that day, or if it'll be too soon.

 

I have no idea where his head is now - yeah, it's as though he never loved me, though actions speak louder than words. However, his actions now speak volumes!

 

We're both adults. In time, all will be revealed. You may be right, Darkness, he may just need time to weed through his emotions for me.

 

Peace to you. I hope your situation's peaceful & Happy Easter.

[sunshinegirl]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

 

I would strongly discourage you from spinning hopeful stories of "confusion" or mental breakdown. Fueling hope is natural when you're in shock and it's so new, but from an outsider's perspective it just doesn't sound promising to me.

 

I dated a separated man for over a year and really believed we had a future together. It blew up about a year ago and in retrospect I believe he had never grieved the loss of his marriage or processed his role in its breakdown. My ex was ultimately incredibly selfish and cheated on me, also saying maybe he was "broken" and couldn't love.

 

In your case my strong hunch is that your guy is not emotionally finished with his wife. Don't wait around for this guy. Apart from him not being over his marriage, he did a crappy thing of leading you on and not being emotionally honest with himself, or you.

 

Take good care of yourself - the early days are so, so rough. BUT they eventually do get better.

[Sher417]

Hi Sunshine Girl,

 

Thanks. I think you're right - he's still emotionally involved with his ex, but claimed (over & over) that he isn't.

 

She broke up with (ironically enough) her four-month boyfriend, a mere two weeks before our breakup. And, he had my ex call her, while she was doing the deed, to give an excuse (I'm bringing over the kids), to make her boyfriend leave the scene. Not healthy!

 

Yes, it does seem that these two are made for each other. They've broken up, and gotten back together, many times, over their 18-year relationship. But, he said it was completely over, and I even met her, so I believed him.

 

He even told me I was the complete opposite of her - that she was the type who would berate him in front of others, etc. And, that the kids were better off without the parents together, too.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through it, too, Sunshine Girl. Hurts like hell, eh? I'm trying to not wait for him, per se, just get on with my life, but it's oh-so-fresh, and oh-so-hard to do! He encompassed everything I wanted. Guess it really was too good to be true.

 

I even met his mother a mere month ago! Go figure...

[sunshinegirl]

You broke up two weeks after she broke up with her dude? Now I'm more convinced than ever that he's not over his wife.

 

My ex's divorce (of a 12 year marriage) came through almost exactly a year ago, after we had been together over a year already. Two weeks later, his ex-wife informed him she was getting married, to the guy she had cheated on him with and had been dating for several years; and a mere two weeks after THAT, my guy cheated on me and dumped me. So, yeah. Unfinished emotional business.

 

Let them have each other. Your ex was surely trying to convince himself as much as you that he and the wife were completely over. But the shrine in his house was telling; my guy kept a photo of his wife in his bedroom, which I 'overlooked' because it was a shot of her from behind, holding their daughter. I wanted to believe he kept the photo up because of the kid. Now I think I was just naive.

[Darkness7]

Thank you for your reply. Made me feel a lot better, but yes, still hurting (of course).

 

No, he hasn't tried contacting me. He has the kids for Easter this weekend, so I'm sure he's swamped with family stuff. Next week ought to be a telling one, though. He'll have the first week since our breakup to himself, and next Friday is my birthday. My thoughts on this are scattered as to whether or not he'll contact me on that day, or if it'll be too soon.

 

I have no idea where his head is now - yeah, it's as though he never loved me, though actions speak louder than words. However, his actions now speak volumes!

 

We're both adults. In time, all will be revealed. You may be right, Darkness, he may just need time to weed through his emotions for me.

 

Peace to you. I hope your situation's peaceful & Happy Easter.

 

I'm glad a was able to make you feel a little better at least. Give it more time, be patient and try and fill your days with other things so you won't constantly be thinking of him and what he's doing. It will get better, try and move on with your life how it is at the moment, do what's good for yourself, it will make you stronger for when he comes back and if he doesn't - you'll be ready for that as well. Best of luck and Happy Easter!

[Sher417]

Thanks. I see the similarities. Didn't really think I was being really naive, but I guess I was. Well, the next step's up to him. And, I'm TRYING not to wait around, though it's only been a week today, since we split up, so it's still fresh.

 

Time will tell.

[Trialbyfire]

Sher, try not to figure out why, what, where or when. Just focus on the FACT that he's not contacting you so all the energy you're putting into this, is for naught. Also, you're not him. Regardless of how well you think you know him, when it comes time for break up, that's when you realize how little you know of who he really is v. who he portrayed himself to be. Keep in mind that people have multiple facets. When tied up in the infatuation phase, they can be the sweetest people but when bad times hit, that's when you get to see more sides.

 

Your guy has already expressed that he's unable to love and commit with anyone else besides his daughters. He's been straight-forward with you that this is who he is. Believe it.

 

You also have to give credit that he was there when you needed him, for so many months. Perhaps he's a little emotionally fatigued too.

 

I'm not trying to be deliberately cruel, just expressing what has worked for me in the past. Focus externally, focus internally, then balance the two.

[Sher417]

Wow...I haven't looked at it that way. Good advice.

 

I'm sitting tight, but also trying to move on, at the same time. He really was a wonderful guy, and I'd love to have him back, but it's up to the Universe...

[Meaplus3]

Wow...I haven't looked at it that way. Good advice.

 

I'm sitting tight, but also trying to move on, at the same time. He really was a wonderful guy, and I'd love to have him back, but it's up to the Universe...

 

Did he tell you that it was over durning your chat?

 

Mea

[RecordProducer]

Wow, this must be a very distressful situation for you. I don't know what's going on nor would I allow myself to speculate. But I can tell you one thing: don't contact him at all and if he calls you, be reserved (not rude or angry!) and not too responsive. trust me, if he loves you, he will chase you after what he did to you. It's not like you've done something wrong and he has a problem recovering from it.

 

This is a problem with perfect relationships; you never really know if you're truly loved because the good feeling keeps people together. But eventually, it wears off. Maybe he is just one of those guys who don't know what they want, but he basically admitted that he didn't truly love you. Yes, it could be his mex or someone new, but it boils down tomthe same conclusion: his love for you was not real. Is it possible that he'd get back with his wife because of the kids? You know, it's never a good idea to date people who have recently ended a marriage. Why did he split with his wife and who dumped whom?

[Chrome Barracuda]

That sucks.

 

But you know he's still feeling her the moment she broke up with her boyfriend. He saw that as his way back in and he was a coward because he didnt know how to tell you.

 

I'd say let him contact you if he's serious, but right now move on for you, for your own sanity, you'd go crazy thinking about it.

 

I dont think he was ready to ever move on.

[RecordProducer]

This is a pattern for him and his wife: they've been doing it for 18 years! She found a BF, so he found a GF, then she broke up with the BF, and he broke up with then GF. He is obsessed with her and he even had her meet you.

 

My husband told me he wanted a divorce and we were separated although we continued to live under the same roof - mostly as a couple, not as room mates. Finally, I was tired of him rejecting me and stringing me along, so I decided to cut the limbo and I found someone else. The first time he found out I went to this guy's place (I didn't hide it from him), he begged me to come back and to give our marriage a chance (after two years of telling me he wanted me out of his life!). I gave him a chance and things didn't work, so we split, but now we both miss each other - so we hang out togheter all the time.

 

Anyway, I had a good time with the other guy and he probably thought I was totally into him. I did like him a lot and I was very passionate with him, but deep down I was in love with hubby. If hubby didn't suddenly decide he loved me too (which I didn't know at the time), I would've continued to see this guy and we would've had a great relationship - even though I wasn't in love with him. But since hubby showed desire to be with me, I stop seeing the other man.

 

He even told me I was the complete opposite of her - that she was the type who would berate him in front of others, etc. And, that the kids were better off without the parents together, too.

This is BS. I told the other guy that hubby was a goner and the wrong guy for me, too.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This is a pattern for him and his wife: they've been doing it for 18 years! She found a BF, so he found a GF, then she broke up with the BF, and he broke up with then GF. He is obsessed with her and he even had her meet you.

 

My husband told me he wanted a divorce and we were separated although we continued to live under the same roof - mostly as a couple, not as room mates. Finally, I was tired of him rejecting me and stringing me along, so I decided to cut the limbo and I found someone else. The first time he found out I went to this guy's place (I didn't hide it from him), he begged me to come back and to give our marriage a chance (after two years of telling me he wanted me out of his life!). I gave him a chance and things didn't work, so we split, but now we both miss each other - so we hang out togheter all the time.

 

Anyway, I had a good time with the other guy and he probably thought I was totally into him. I did like him a lot and I was very passionate with him, but deep down I was in love with hubby. If hubby didn't suddenly decide he loved me too (which I didn't know at the time), I would've continued to see this guy and we would've had a great relationship - even though I wasn't in love with him. But since hubby showed desire to be with me, I stop seeing the other man.

 

This is BS. I told the other guy that hubby was a goner and the wrong guy for me, too.

 

 

...So all in all. you used him, just like the guy used Sher417?

 

Why couldnt you tell him the truth, why string him along?

[Sher417]

Did he tell you that it was over durning your chat?

 

Mea

Well, he never used those words. Said I needed to meet someone I could love as much as I love them, blah, blah, blah...on Messenger! Didn't even give me a chance to speak in person/over the phone to him, after all we've been through! Cannot flippin' believe this is happening...!

[Sher417]

Wow, this must be a very distressful situation for you. I don't know what's going on nor would I allow myself to speculate. But I can tell you one thing: don't contact him at all and if he calls you, be reserved (not rude or angry!) and not too responsive. trust me, if he loves you, he will chase you after what he did to you. It's not like you've done something wrong and he has a problem recovering from it.

 

This is a problem with perfect relationships; you never really know if you're truly loved because the good feeling keeps people together. But eventually, it wears off. Maybe he is just one of those guys who don't know what they want, but he basically admitted that he didn't truly love you. Yes, it could be his mex or someone new, but it boils down tomthe same conclusion: his love for you was not real. Is it possible that he'd get back with his wife because of the kids? You know, it's never a good idea to date people who have recently ended a marriage. Why did he split with his wife and who dumped whom?

They've been split up for 2 1/2 years & he did the deed, I believe. She wanted to get back together last summer. Even moved back into his house for a couple of days, while hers was being renovated. Apparently, got into his bed & he kicked her out. I just don't get it!

[Sher417]

...So all in all. you used him, just like the guy used Sher417?

 

Why couldnt you tell him the truth, why string him along?

Wow. So, I guess, this happens all the time? I was always questioning why he & his ex hung out together, but he said it was for the kids, and I believed him. He said he's not back with her in my "Messenger brush-off", but I can't believe a word he says.

 

I'm trying to put this out of my mind, but I just feel so used. I gave this guy EVERYTHING!!!

[Sher417]

Did he tell you that it was over durning your chat?

 

Mea

By the way, Mea, I read your initial posts, and holy crap! Yeah, I met this "love of my life" online, too, but was quickly reeled into his real life. You are actually lucky, that you two never met, trust me! You & I will both be stronger soon...

[RecordProducer]

...So all in all. you used him, just like the guy used Sher417?

 

Why couldnt you tell him the truth, why string him along?

I was 100% honest with him. I just shortened the story to get to the point. I only saw the guy a few times altogether. He knew from day one that I was in love with hubby and that I wanted more than everything to make my marriage work, but that I believed hubby didn't want me anymore. I even told him before we met in person that I'd try to give it one more chance and I hesitated about meeting him. He even predicted that hubby would be jealous of us and suggested that we hide our relationship, but I said I couldn't lie and hide. It's not my thing. He knew everything and he was hesitating as to whether to go for it, but said he'd take the chances. The thing is, if I were interested in the other guy, I would've probably fallen out of love with hubby and fallen in love with the other guy. Yes, I did tell him that hubby was a goner but he knew it wasn't MY decision. He knew I'd go back to hubby without blinking.

 

I was very sweet and passionate with him, but I wasn't that much into him. However, I believe that it's harder for men to move onto the next woman than it is for women. So it doesn't mean that the original poster's BF wasn't into her or that something is wrong with her.

 

After the first date, I was infatuated by him. We also talked a lot on the phone prior to that. He was super-intelligent, very eloquent, honest, emotional, and cute. But after the second date, I realized that he wasn't that comfortable in his skin (which is an instinctive turn-off) and he wasn't very knowledgeable. Accompanied by his constant meetings with friends for drinks, I concluded that he cared more about empty fun than learning and growing. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not dissecting men like this, I am just trying to figure out what killed the initial chemistry. I think I like when a man can intrigue me with something new, when he represents something, even if it's something completely non-intellectual such as technical knowledge or sports or some special skill. For example, a passionate reader would impress the heck out of me. But when I feel like I've seen and heard all that has to be seen and heard from him after the second date, then I am not intrigued anymore. Going out with your buddies to local pubs doesn't help you become a better person. It's college life. He was never married at age 43.