How can I control my Obsessive Relational Progression (ORP) in my new relationship?

[SeaStar]

I am currently in a long distance relationship with a man who has alot of kids & going through a divorce. He also has to work alot due to him having the children currently. In the beginning he was more of the obsessive one - texting me 50 times a day, having 7 hour phone conversations with me, etc. - telling me he's never felt a connection like this before etc. At first it really freaked me out, but then he grew on me. After only a month of phone dating we spent a week together (I've known him for a long time, but haven't seen him in awhile). To make a long story short we clicked immediately & developed a very heavy relationship very quickly. Once I reciprocated those feelings he started to pull away (mainly due to added pressure at an additional job, the kids, etc). I panicked & now I am realizing it's my ORB kicking in. I lost my job & my last parent died (both parents are now dead) so my fear of abandonment is increasing & I have a lot of time on my hands for my mind to reel. He is the first real relationship I've had in 7 years which I hit level 4 of that last relationship. His calls have dwindled down some but he still does make an effort when he can - he just has more added pressure in his life with the kids, jobs, etc. He swears he isn't seeing anyone else & if he wanted out he would tell me but I can't help obsessing thinking he's lying to me or cheating when I know he doesn't have the time to. It's just once that "honeymoon" stage is over with & things go back to normal I start to freak out thinking the guy wants out. The last two men I loved cheated on me so I can't help but worry but I know it's ridiculous to bring that anxiety into this relationship. I'm making myself nuts & I don't want to ruin what I have with this man who is trying to be so patient about it even when he has to avoid me. Poor guy - it's not fair to him. What can I do to control this obsessive behavior? I'm at level 2 & at times have signs of level 3 on the ORP wheel. I have to stop this before it gets out of control & I lose him.

[Janus_28th]

You don't need charts to evaluate your feelings or stage of love for him.

just let your love flow. Love is freedom, it is a voluntary act of emotion that (even though it is reciprocal) doesn't ask for returns.

 

Just be toned down. Don't fear that he's into someone else, or looking.

Get yourself busy so you won't have to worry about him cheating or the likes.

 

This may be OOT but I would like to recommend Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes"

 

 

(sorry for my bad english, if it is:o)

[TMichaels]

What can I do to control this obsessive behavior? I'm at level 2 & at times have signs of level 3 on the ORP wheel. I have to stop this before it gets out of control & I lose him.

 

SeaStar,

 

Is this a self-diagnosis or are you in counselling?

 

If it's the former, reading books and posts on the web are all well and good when you're trying to deal with problems, but on the other hand, the only way you are going to effectively cope with your thoughts and emotions so that you don't continue to sabotage your life is to get some help from a professsional.

 

You've had a lot of losses in your life quite recently, and you're right, a fear of abandonment is a big part of what's controlling your thoughts and behavior right now.

 

Is there not any way you could seek counseling -- even from a local Social Service agency to help you get your life sorted out and back on track?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[SeaStar]

Is this a self-diagnosis or are you in counseling? Is there not any way you could seek counseling -- even from a local Social Service agency to help you get your life sorted out and back on track?

Yes this is a self diagnosis; I was looking up relationship anxiety & obsession etc online & came to the websites about ORP which sounded exactly like what I was going through. I am currently in grief counseling & have touched on the relationship situation a bit but unfortunately the grief counseling is only for the loss of my parent & not for anything else. I have called United Way & been given several numbers which gave me the run around with regular counseling - so basically I was told no insurance = no counseling. I did start taking anxiety medication but I can only take it before bedtime b/c it knocks me out. Thank you very much for the advice, I do realize that it's mainly do to fear of abandonment & it just came at a bad time in my life. Hopefully I can get some adequate counseling in the future, but for now I think I will go to the self help book section of Barnes & Noble. lol

 

 

Thank you very much for the kind response

[SeaStar]

 

This may be OOT but I would like to recommend Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes"

 

 

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Thank you, I will definitely check that book out.

[Janus_28th]

Thank you, I will definitely check that book out.

 

that book helped me when I'm anxious and worried about my ex (my girlfriend then) seeing others and such.

[SeaStar]

I went online & read some of it, then got really intrigued so I bought it today. Although it's fiction, it still is soothing to read. I'm about to read it now.

[Janus_28th]

Follow your heart SeaStar. But don't mistake your mind as your heart's thinking. The best advices are the ones that you've actually lived, paradoxically, they're not advices anymore but lessons you learned - experience.