ruggy Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Alright. Amazingly enough, one of the women match to me via eharmony seems that it might go all the way to open communication and then possibly a first meet/date. Looks wise, she's a bit out of my league. I assumed she'd close me out when I first initiated. None the less, we are at the stage right before open communication. I guess you would call me average looking but physically fit. Have all recent photos too. She, I guess you can compare to a young Cindy Crawford look alike back in the 1980's. She's in update NY, I'm in the city. Maybe they are a bit different up there. Don't really know. Can someone give me some advice on how to proceed and not look or sound intimated?
Peaceandlove Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 they say that men fall in love with what they see and women with what they hear- it really comes down to the way you carry yourself, your personality and sense of humour. For me (a young woman) these are much more important qualities when it comes to being attracted to someone all the best!
fishtaco Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Hehe, good job. It's not unusual for a hot girl to be interested while an ugly girl thinks you're not good enough for her. It's all perception. You perception is that she's out of your league. But that's not necessarily her perception. And perception has NOTHING to do with reality. Not look and sound intimidated comes from experience. If you've dated a lot, even if you're feeling a bit intimidated inside, you won't show it. Plus interacting with someone new, taking them out on dates, would become something mundane and nothing special because you've done it many many times. But I noticed that naturals seems to do this trick. Us non-naturals can emulate -- pick them apart mentally. No one is perfect. She HAS to have some "weakness". Maybe she has fat ankles. Maybe she's got a flat butt. Maybe her eyes are not symmetrical. Maybe she talks to much. Maybe she's got an annoying laugh. Maybe her ears stick out too much. Maybe she has boring hair. Maybe she puts on too much/too little make up. Maybe she has bad taste in jewelry. BTW, this is what many women to do to each other LOL, and they will say it with snide remarks. But of course you DON'T say it. Now you're not doing this to put her down, because, well, damaging a woman's self esteem is one way to bring her down so she'll think she's lucky you're even talking to her. But it's not a game that I would play personally, and I'm not even sure how to pull that off. So you don't show or say it, and she has no idea you're mentally cutting her down. No self esteem damage for her. But it'll make you more comfortable because now you'll feel like wow, she's human after all, and not some untouchable goddess, which is actually the truth, because again, no one is perfect. However, that only applies if she's still "testing you". If she's already interested she'll just think your nervousness is cute. Anyway, good job. Just go for it. If you fail, you'll actually learn more from the experience. Good luck.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 You ever wonder why women date schulbs like kevin james and seth rogan??? Not because they look good too it's their sense of humor! lol. Just stop sweating it, be cool be funny and your gonna be in the sack in no time! lmao.
Author ruggy Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 Yea, not been too lucky with dating. Been at this for a good year. That one in December where I thought everything was going good and then BAMB she killed it. Mind you, the week before she said she was really interested and intrigued by me. Still reeling from that one. Its made me more hesitant with my approach. She was the one I first kissed in a while. Feb 5 was the last kiss. Every date after that I am now hesitant with progressing on. This new one, is better looking than her, but I am thinking I am going to run into the same problem. Be hesitant and read her wrong. You know. You think she's interested and plays along with you. How do you really know what they are really thinking? I know, now, when they say they do not play games, that is when I say check please. Cause that is all bull. But, I do not one, want to be too hesitant, and two be strung along for two months when she really is no longer into me any longer. Unfortunately, as shallow as it seems, I have a bit of distrust with women. The last two datees really changed my perspective.
D-Lish Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Alright. Amazingly enough, one of the women match to me via eharmony seems that it might go all the way to open communication and then possibly a first meet/date. Looks wise, she's a bit out of my league. Can someone give me some advice on how to proceed and not look or sound intimated? The best advice I can give you is to STOP this kind of thought process. If you go into a date believing someone is out of your league- you've already shot yourself in the foot. There isn't anything to be intimidated about. She's just a person- she has flaws and insecurities just like everyone else - she farts just like everyone else! The best way to approach the meeting process is to believe in yourself. Confidence really is key. Approach the date like you don't care if it works out or not- you're going to be happy with your life regardless because you know another girl will come along. Now... Don't brag about yourself (that's a turn off). Don't try and overcompensate or build yourself up by talking about how you've dated HOT women in the past...lol. It's a dead giveaway that you're insecure. Do get it out of your head that anyone else is better than you are because they are attractive. She obviously thinks you are attractive or she wouldn't be talking to you. Just remember that women can smell if your intimidated- so don't make any self deprecating comments about yourself or say anything that sounds like a "poor me".... When you talk to her be positive about everything- and negative about nothing. Ask lots of questions about her- what she likes to do, her family, pets, her work. Asking questions makes you seem really good at making conversations, even if you say very little. Don't sweat it Ruggy- it's just a date. Never do anything to give another person the impression you think they are out of their league! You'll do fine.
samspade Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 She is only out of your league if you believe she is out of your league.
SunnyJulie Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 First, FishTaco -- seriously, this woman's only crime is being attractive and we've already talking about making fun of her potentially chubby ankles? Down, boy! Ruggy, Looks are not the same currency for women that they are for men. I assume you have other qualities? Charm? The ability to relocate spiders or set up a stereo? Stop selling yourself short. For some reason, the two of you came up a match -- just go with it. My favorite quote -- "you don't always get what you want out of life, but you'll usually get what you expect." If you go in with distrust, that's what you'll get back. If you go in thinking you're not good enough for her, you won't be. Do yourself a favor and expect good things. She may just think you're the hottest thing going. Be polite and carry yourself with confidence -- that combination is deadly attractive. Good luck.
Author ruggy Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 I will follow said suggestions. I do not put off the oh wowers me look or attitude. In the last year only one did not give me a second date. If it went to second, it then gone on to fifth or higher. Usually ended by fifth or seventh. I usually get the I really like you but not that way. Or with December, I like you but do not feel that BURST of hot passionate chemistry when we kiss. This, of course after seven or eight days. We started kissing on the second. This last one, the weirdo everyone says, have not kissed yet, but talked for over 1000, yes, 1000 hours since February. Killed it on Wednesday. Said when you know what you want and stop with these games, look me up. Until then,buh bye. Never had to say that before. None the less, here is the next one. Guess we will see.
fishtaco Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 First, FishTaco -- seriously, this woman's only crime is being attractive and we've already talking about making fun of her potentially chubby ankles? Down, boy! Haha! Like I said, the goal isn't to make fun of women. In fact the woman doesn't even know that it's happening. It's just a mental game to psyche out yourself.
D-Lish Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 She's just a person- she has flaws and insecurities just like everyone else - she farts just like everyone else! That's why it helps to think of things like the above.
pollywag Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Cindy Crawford in the 80's looks just like she does now, that is one woman who really maintained her youthful look....anyway... Look you met this woman online, don't ever rule yourself out or put someone too high up that you have only seen on paper. In person encounters are rarely what you imagine they will be. Meet her first then come back to us with concerns, if there are any. Chances are she won't look as good in person and you might look better to her than you do on paper. It's all relative. No expecations, just go and have fun. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. You've been down this road before, rejection never killed anyone. This should be your train of thought every single time if you are going to do online dating.
D-Lish Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Look you met this woman online, don't ever rule yourself out or put someone too high up that you have only seen on paper. In person encounters are rarely what you imagine they will be. Meet her first then come back to us with concerns, if there are any. Chances are she won't look as good in person and you might look better to her than you do on paper. It's all relative. Exactly! In my experience Men tend to put up any old picture on a dating site, whereas women take numerous pictures, post the best angles, and often use pics from more than a few years or pounds ago. I have only met one or two guys in my online experience that look exactly as they do in their pics.
Author ruggy Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 Exactly! In my experience Men tend to put up any old picture on a dating site, whereas women take numerous pictures, post the best angles, and often use pics from more than a few years or pounds ago. I have only met one or two guys in my online experience that look exactly as they do in their pics. Umm, maybe its just me, but I update my pictures monthly. Well, From December - February I did not update. I can attest that MOST of the women online do not match their pics for some reason or another. I can attest to say that I've always been told you match your online pic. I never really thought that was a big complement, but I guess I know why now. Only two girls I dated via online sites matched their pics. One I dated in March. And December. All the others were, well, a bit of shock when I met them. Looks are not the most important thing to me. If I get a long with them and we seem to mesh well, I consider it a success. So far, I have been wrong. I take the punches as they come I guess.
pollywag Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Exactly! In my experience Men tend to put up any old picture on a dating site, whereas women take numerous pictures, post the best angles, and often use pics from more than a few years or pounds ago. So true! I never understood that. I can attest that MOST of the women online do not match their pics for some reason or another. I can attest to say that I've always been told you match your online pic. I never really thought that was a big complement, but I guess I know why now. Only two girls I dated via online sites matched their pics. One I dated in March. And December. All the others were, well, a bit of shock when I met them. . WOW it's that bad for guys? Well men place too much weight on a picture and reality is that chemistry can't be measured on a flat one dimensional image of a person. Unless you are "a picture" yourself. Now if someone looks completely different that's a different story.
Els Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Now you're not doing this to put her down, because, well, damaging a woman's self esteem is one way to bring her down so she'll think she's lucky you're even talking to her. Oh come ON. No woman with half a brain will think that way. The natural thought process for a woman with some basic intelligence and a healthy perception wouldn't be 'Oh my, he's right, I AM too tall/too short/too thin/too fat/etcetc, I should be lucky he's even talking to me!', it would be 'He's always trying to put me down! Jerk!'
Flamenco81 Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I have been in very similar situations recently. I am also a member of eharmony here in NYC. I don't say this to make you worry, but I have also got to open communication and ended up going on a coffee date with several girls that I felt were on a higher level. But the key moment is the second date. If they don;t just close your match after the first meeting and actually get back to you about going out a 2nd time is when you can be confident that there is some real interest on her part.
fishtaco Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Oh come ON. No woman with half a brain will think that way. The natural thought process for a woman with some basic intelligence and a healthy perception wouldn't be 'Oh my, he's right, I AM too tall/too short/too thin/too fat/etcetc, I should be lucky he's even talking to me!', it would be 'He's always trying to put me down! Jerk!' Depends on the girl's self esteem actually. Like I said, I don't know how to pull that off, and even if I did that's not something I would do anyway. But even someone like me that doesn't understand the "jerk game" know that what you described is not how it happens. What you described is what happens when women are being catty to each other. Maybe some magical jerk some place that have enough game can act like a woman on her monthly hormonal surge and get chicks anyway. But like you, I can't picture what you described actually working either. As far as I know, it's much more subtle than that. The only methodology that I know of, which is probably at pre-school level, is to hit on their ugly/fat friend. It sends the message that they're less attractive than someone that they know is supposed to be less attractive then they are. Of course, as with anything else, it's not going to work on all women. Everything in dating/attraction is highly situational dependent. For example, Elswyth, I'm sure stuff like this won't work on you. But I believe the type of women that surround themselves with ugly friends to make themselves stand out tend to be more susceptible to this. But whatever, don't shoot the messenger, especially when I'm just someone from outside the "jerk game" making observations.
Author ruggy Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 I have been in very similar situations recently. I am also a member of eharmony here in NYC. I don't say this to make you worry, but I have also got to open communication and ended up going on a coffee date with several girls that I felt were on a higher level. But the key moment is the second date. If they don;t just close your match after the first meeting and actually get back to you about going out a 2nd time is when you can be confident that there is some real interest on her part. Interesting. But if they have no interest in you through the match, e-mails and telephone calls. Why consider going on a first date anyways? Coffee dates never worked for me. I usually do a dinner date. Besides, she's like an hour away. I not driving that long for coffee. For dinner, yes. Coffee, no.
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