Intricategirl Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 About a month ago, my husband told me that he was leaving me. I asked him to give it more time and hoped we could work things out, but last Sunday, he told me again that he was leaving. Since then, I found out that he was making plans to meet someone else. Naturally, I was upset by that. Although some of the things he has mentioned trouble me about her, it's his mistake to make. Sunday night, after he left, I knew it was really over for him. But I also quickly realized that it was over for me, and I was okay with that. He has long disapproved of the jobs I've held, which tend to be artistic in nature. He wants me to get a white collar, full-time desk job, and I have resisted it for the longest time. But the irony is that when we worked out our separation agreement, I would have enough money to stay at home and work on my art, but I decided that it was time to go back to school and become a lawyer like I wanted to do before we got married. Obviously, we both have some issues we needed to work through, and something about the other one didn't make it seem possible. And after we worked out our financial arrangement, I've had a lot more good days than bad. I've been cooking and cleaning, taking care of bills, running errands, focusing on getting a part time job for when I'm in school, and working on my college application. All simple, easy things, but they felt insurmountable when I was with him. And the difference is, I'm actually excited by all of this, because I don't feel like someone is shoving me into something I hate. I know that I have options and I made the choice. All in all, I'm actually feeling really good (with a couple of moments of doubt here and there). But I sort of feel guilty about feeling so good about this. I keep hearing from other people who have been divorced about how much they hate their ex, and how they never get along. I'm the opposite. I'd love to go out to a movie with him, or let him join me and the kids for dinner every once in a while. And not so I can get back together with him. I think that would be one of the dumbest things I could do!! I guess I'm wondering whether it falls somewhere under the spectrum of normal to feel excited about all of this, since the changes it's brought about are all positive ones? And I guess I feel like maybe he saw potential in me for a long time that I couldn't see, but I needed to get some space from him so I could actually meet that potential. If so, how and why should I be angry about that?? Am I wrong? Am I setting myself up for disappointment when this does turn ugly? I feel sort of conflicted because divorce isn't typically thought of as a happy event.
sugarmomma Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 For me personally, in my situation, I realize that I had become a couple before I was fully an individual. It sounds like you are coming into who are are outside of all the distractions and it sounds healthy to me. You don't seem to be in denial and may have known for a while that the two of you are not as compatible as you may have thought. Where is it written that you have to stay with the same person the rest of your life. I think that humans put these unreasonable expectations on themselves and others, only to be greatly disappointed. People grow and become attracted to others all the time. ***t happens and we grow and our needs and wants change. My husband left and in the beginning I was sad but now I am so happy that he is gone because now I know exactly what I need and want out of a relationship. I couldn't see those things when I was withhim becasue I kept trying to get him to fill those needs and he wouldn't or couldn't. Either way, you seem to be dealing with this pretty good and I wish you all the best.
Author Intricategirl Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 I just worry because I've never gone through a split before. He was my first major relationship, so this is all fairly new to me. I also worry that it's been less than a week, and can I possibly have matured, or at least moved on that much in a week? When I realized that I couldn't really see a future with him, it felt like a light switch being shut off- dark, but quick and mostly a non-event. He stopped being husband and became someone I might be able to be friends with. And in a lot of ways, I do still love him, but not in a way that I think I could ever be in a romantic relationship with him ever again. I just don't see a scenario where that could happen. And when most of my doubts come, it's because he's already hooking up with someone else and I'm afraid I might be alone for a while. And I know that's not a good enough reason, just to have someone else around to take care of you. Or I get upset because we didn't really talk about anything while we were married, and don't know if we should continue trying to talk now that it's over. We have talked and continue to talk about where a lot of stuff went wrong. And I'm glad for it because I hope I'll have another relationship someday and want to figure out how it all turned sour. But I don't want him thinking that I'm trying to lure him back, ruin his current fling (I don't necessarily want it to continue, but I don't want to be the one that did it in), or try and justify why we acted the way we did. I don't know... Maybe it's best to just leave it all unanswered. Then again, if we can talk without wanting to kill each other, maybe we should. Definitely conflicted on that.
sunshinegirl Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 You say you didn't want this divorce and you asked him to try to work things out...I assume, then, that you love him? If you love him, I'm hard pressed to believe that all of that emotion has turned off like a switch. I'm not judging you for feeling optimistic, I just suspect that what might be, in part, trauma/shock-based optimism, will give way to some form of grief later on.
whichwayisup Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 It's OK to be 'okay' with how things are. Why feel guilty about it ending if it's what you both want..And, it doesn't have to get nasty and mean.. Just divide things up fairly and each of you go on with your lives..
Author Intricategirl Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 You say you didn't want this divorce and you asked him to try to work things out...I assume, then, that you love him? If you love him, I'm hard pressed to believe that all of that emotion has turned off like a switch. No, I get what you're saying. I think most of it was the fear of change, and the idea that we should try to work it out, because that's what people do. But it hasn't been working for years. And sitting here right now, trying to think about whether I do still love him, I'm not sure whether I do or not. I suppose if I had to answer honestly, I do. But it's closer to the kind of love that I have for a close male friend. I know he'll have my back if I need it, we've got lots of memories together, he's still hilarious to hit the bars with, and that's about as far as I want it to go.
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