Guy coming on WAY too strong! Freakin' me out!

[pinkberry]

Ok, so about a month or so ago I met a nice guy. While I didn't find him particularly attractive, he gave me his number and told me to call him to go out the following night. Since we'd only talked for about 20 minutes and he kind of arbitrarily said, "Ya, so let's have a drink tomorrow." I decided not to call him. Having just ended a 6 month casual-dating relationship and before that a 10 year relationship, I wasn't about to jump to his command.

 

Weeks later I bumped into him again and sheephisly told him I'd lost his number. He gave it to me again and we chatted briefly. To my knowledge, I gave absolutely NO indication I was interested. He'd helped with something, and since I had his number, I texted him later on that day to say 'thank you'.

 

He followed up by saying it was no problem, we exchanged a few more pleasantries, then I didn't hear from him again for a couple of weeks.

 

This past Monday, he texted me out of the blue and asked if I'd like to grab coffee sometime. I figured I'd give him a chance, and at the prodding of friends and co-workers, decided to go through with it even though I really did not want to.

 

Yes, he's a nice guy and we enjoyed a friendly conversation, but I feel no 'spark' or attraction or anything. It's akin to what I'd feel for a female friend. He's good company, but that's about it.

 

Anyway, so when he texted me on Monday and we set the 'date' for Thursday, he said he'd be in touch throughout the week. Little did I know that meant THE VERY NEXT MORNING, and then again that afternoon, and then again in the evening. Wednesday the texts continued. He asked if he could call me, and I was in the middle of doing something, so I said I was unable to speak. Ten minutes later he called me anyway. I called him back but only chatted for 5 minutes because my favourite show was coming on. He asked me to call him after my show ended, and I thought, WHAT FOR? We're seeing each other tomorrow!

 

Yesterday, the day of our 'meeting', he texted me all day. At this point I was dreading even seeing him. I considered cancelling but decided to give him a chance. The night before he'd try to turn our little coffee date into something more and offered to pick me up, but I stuck to my guns and said we'll just keep it to coffee and that'd I'd drive myself.

 

Coffee went well. Like I said, he's good company, but I felt nothing.

 

Afterwards he texted me to say he had a great time and to thank me. I responded saying the same. Then he tried to call me. I didn't answer, he left no message.

 

Today he texted me later on in the afternoon to ask how my day was, and I didn't respond. Then he texted me again saying, "Not talking to me today?" to which I did not respond. Then another, "Did I do something to make you not want to talk to me?" Keep in mind this was in a 20-minute time span. I finally responded telling him I was fine. He asked if I wanted to see him tomorrow. I then reminded him of something I'd said last night - that I am NOT looking for a relationship right now, however I enjoyed our chat. He still didn't get it and kept up with the texting, so I explained I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and that seeing him tomorrow may be too soon. His response was that there is no rush, whenever I am ready, but I still suspect he doesn't get it.

 

What can I do to politely brush this guy off?

[You'reasian]

Explain that you're not available for dating at the moment and you want to keep things as friends.

 

You're example makes a great case about dating behavior. If the woman doesn't find the guy attractive in the first 30 seconds, it slides into friendzone.

 

Guys have to be able to strike that fire, naturally and genuinely - otherwise move on.

[BCCA]

I am NOT looking for a relationship right now

 

While this may be somewhat true, its actually NOT the reason you dont want to hang out with HIM. HE is the reason. Saying youre not ready gives him the impression that if you were ready, you would be all about going out with him and thats simply not the case.

 

The first thing I'll say is that if you met a wonderful guy, you would be more than welcoming of a few dates with him. So, the excuse about not being ready isnt relaying the message that you want him to hear.

 

What you have to say is that you think he's nice, and good company, but you dont feel any romantic attraction to him. Thats cut and dry, simple, and hard to misunderstand. Saying youre not ready is vague, and leaves too much room for interpretation. Just text him back saying youre not interested in him.

[xpaperxcutx]

What a weirdo?

 

You can't reason with him. You can't be polite to someone who pushes and pushes and pushes ( inhale, exhale) and pushes and pushes... you get my point? Just tell him he's getting annoying.

[D-Lish]

I went through something similar. A guy that worked at my local grocery store found me on plenty of fish and started messaging me. Since I saw him all the time at the store- I responded but told him I was only interested in friendship.

 

He harrassed me for months- constantly demanding to know why I didn't want to date him. He'd fluctuate back and forth between accepting what I was saying and then getting all crazy. That turned into showing up unannounced- sending me sexual texts- even sabotaging a potential date with someone I liked.

 

Even when he got a gf and I thought he would settle down- he didn't.

Don't make the mistake I did. I kept in contact with this guy because I felt sorry for him. I thought being completely honest with him- and firm with him, that I only wanted friendship would sink it. To this day (even though he is now engaged and I cut him off for inappropriate behaviour a long time ago) he still texts and calls and says inappropriate things.

 

My advice is to just tell him it's over and then stop returning his texts or trying to salvage a friendship with him. With people like this, a friendship isn't possible. He's demonstrating stalkerish behaviour- and I'd advise distancing yourself from him right away.

[Peter_pan]

What a weirdo?

 

You can't reason with him. You can't be polite to someone who pushes and pushes and pushes ( inhale, exhale) and pushes and pushes... you get my point? Just tell him he's getting annoying.

 

i dont think he is a weirdo at all. she went on the coffee with him, he politely asked if she would like to do it again some time, meanwhile all these mind games are being played..

 

he is into you. if you are not, tell him. be straight.

[pollywag]

Stop leading him on, that's what you can do.

 

Instead of "sheepishly telling him you lost his number" honestly tell him thank you but that you are not interested in pursuing anything romantic with him.

 

See how easy that is?

[pollywag]

What a weirdo?

 

You can't reason with him. You can't be polite to someone who pushes and pushes and pushes ( inhale, exhale) and pushes and pushes... you get my point? Just tell him he's getting annoying.

 

 

"Weirdo"? She is misleading him and making him feel like there is a chance and interest, and what does the guy do? he does what any normal man would do, he is pursuing her.

 

And these are the same women who claim they don't like playing games! Translation: "they can play games but don't like it when they are played."

[peteyj]

I think the guy is going way overboard on texting and calling her all the time but maybe that's something he needs to learn not to do. I don't really see it as freaky or weird. Just a little too much too soon really. But I never get why people give out their number, go out on a date, continue to talk if you really have no interest in the person at all. And as far as 'friends' you barely know the guy and didn't really talk to him before so really he isn't your friend and probably never will be. The guy wanted to go out with you, you didn't want to go out with him, but for whatever reason you lead him on and are nothing more than a tease.

 

I just don't get it really. If you don't like the guy, why give him your number? Why continue to talk to him? Saying he's nice and would be a good friend is just bull. YOu don't know the guy so how can you say he'd be a good friend or not. Sounds like a lame excuse instead of just saying no.

[xpaperxcutx]

"Weirdo"? She is misleading him and making him feel like there is a chance and interest, and what does the guy do? he does what any normal man would do, he is pursuing her.

 

And these are the same women who claim they don't like playing games! Translation: "they can play games but don't like it when they are played."

 

The reason I called him a weirdo is because he can't simply take a hint. The ongoing texting would have implied as much that she was avoiding him. Either he's blind or oblivious to that, or there's really something wrong with him.

 

Besides, the thread is not about who lead who on, its about the OP getting text " harrassed" by the guy.

[Lindarose84]

I think there is a difference between being pursued and being annoyed to no end. Pinkberry I went through the VERY same thing you did. With some people, nothing will work unless you are downright mean to them (which is unfair to you, yes). I went on ONE date with a guy and that was enough for the texts to start up at all times of the day and night. Even though I told him I was busy and didn't have time to talk, he would text me millions of times everyday and when I told him I'm not up for meeting, he would literally beg me to meet up with him. That was enough to kill it for me. I made it clear to him I was too busy to do the relationship thing at this point in my life but that wasn't enough to deter him from asking me if I was ready for a relationship with him (AFTER ONE DATE!). At that point, I had to be mean to him and tell him that his pushiness and desperation was a turn-off and that if he had any chance of getting a woman not to run away in the future, he needs to back the hell off and not scare women away.

[pollywag]

The reason I called him a weirdo is because he can't simply take a hint. The ongoing texting would have implied as much that she was avoiding him. Either he's blind or oblivious to that, or there's really something wrong with him.

 

Besides, the thread is not about who lead who on, its about the OP getting text " harrassed" by the guy.

 

 

Actually, no it's not it's about how to get the message across.

 

Sorry but I fail to see what the "hint" is.

 

He tells her why haven't you called she lies and says "I lost your number"

He asks her out for coffee, she agrees to go.

He texts her to tell her he had a great time, she tells him same here.

THEN he asks her out again and she says that I am NOT looking for a relationship right now, however I enjoyed our chat.

Ok so the guy thinks ok she is overwhelmend but might be interested. He kept up with the texting, so I explained I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and that seeing him tomorrow may be too soon.

He thinks ok no rush, whenever she is ready.

 

Enlighten me on what the "hint" is here?

 

If this was you on the receiving end of the messages with a guy you would be wondering why is he sending me mixed signals he tells me he had a nice time, which we did, he tells me he does want to see me again, just not right now too busy, and he says he is not ready for something serious but that does not rule out something casual. Which I should remind you in guy talk something casual is exactly within a guy's comfort zone.

 

If you want the guy to back off, tell him you don't see yourself in romantic relationship with him. END OF STORY!

 

Stop with the games of "read the hints" and especially don't complain that men aren't "getting it" when you are making it difficult for him TO get the clear picture.

[BobSacamento]

You are being way too friendly for someone who claims she is not interested. Maybe you think it's being rude not doing what your doing.

 

It's funny, I think in situations like this, the polite thing to do is to be a little rude.

[RecordProducer]

Well, it's your fault. You led him on and on. Now it's time to tell him politely that you only wanted to be friends with him. You don't "give people a chance" - it's only a chance to hurt them. He acted like a normal guy who feels chemistry for you. There was nothing wrong with his behavior. Just because you're not attracted to him doesn't mean he acted like a creep.

[Curious-One]

Actually, no it's not it's about how to get the message across.

 

Sorry but I fail to see what the "hint" is.

 

He tells her why haven't you called she lies and says "I lost your number"

He asks her out for coffee, she agrees to go.

He texts her to tell her he had a great time, she tells him same here.

THEN he asks her out again and she says that I am NOT looking for a relationship right now, however I enjoyed our chat.

Ok so the guy thinks ok she is overwhelmend but might be interested. He kept up with the texting, so I explained I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and that seeing him tomorrow may be too soon.

He thinks ok no rush, whenever she is ready.

 

Enlighten me on what the "hint" is here?

 

If this was you on the receiving end of the messages with a guy you would be wondering why is he sending me mixed signals he tells me he had a nice time, which we did, he tells me he does want to see me again, just not right now too busy, and he says he is not ready for something serious but that does not rule out something casual. Which I should remind you in guy talk something casual is exactly within a guy's comfort zone.

 

If you want the guy to back off, tell him you don't see yourself in romantic relationship with him. END OF STORY!

 

Stop with the games of "read the hints" and especially don't complain that men aren't "getting it" when you are making it difficult for him TO get the clear picture.

Great way to put it. You are definitely not showing him that you do not want to be with this guy. While i do agree that the guy is a little weird because hes sending you all the msgs and seems so desperate, you are at fault too. You need to let him know that you dont want to be in a relationship with him and that you dont have time to text/talk that much.

[BlueHarvest]

Having just ended a 6 month casual-dating relationship and before that a 10 year relationship, I wasn't about to jump to his command.

 

Slight derail of the thread here. I agree with most of the comment responses in this thread, you lead him on, now you have to reap what you have sown.

 

But my derail is more out of curiousity then anything else.

 

You were in a 10 year relationship...then a 6 month casual-dating relationship before meeting this guy?

 

"Casual-Dating"? What is this? Female Jargon for "Bounce-Back" relationship? I don't understand the premise or the thinking behind starting "casual" dating relationships that you don't intend to last that long. IMO you either like someone or you don't. This might be your problem methinks, you lead men on too much and rely too much on hints and nuances to get your point across.

[pinkberry]

Actually, no it's not it's about how to get the message across.

 

Sorry but I fail to see what the "hint" is.

 

He tells her why haven't you called she lies and says "I lost your number"

He asks her out for coffee, she agrees to go.

He texts her to tell her he had a great time, she tells him same here.

THEN he asks her out again and she says that I am NOT looking for a relationship right now, however I enjoyed our chat.

Ok so the guy thinks ok she is overwhelmend but might be interested. He kept up with the texting, so I explained I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and that seeing him tomorrow may be too soon.

He thinks ok no rush, whenever she is ready.

 

Enlighten me on what the "hint" is here?

 

If this was you on the receiving end of the messages with a guy you would be wondering why is he sending me mixed signals he tells me he had a nice time, which we did, he tells me he does want to see me again, just not right now too busy, and he says he is not ready for something serious but that does not rule out something casual. Which I should remind you in guy talk something casual is exactly within a guy's comfort zone.

 

If you want the guy to back off, tell him you don't see yourself in romantic relationship with him. END OF STORY!

 

Stop with the games of "read the hints" and especially don't complain that men aren't "getting it" when you are making it difficult for him TO get the clear picture.

Wow, well first of all let me apologize to all of you who feel this way! I mean, W-O-W.

 

Yes, you're all absolutely right, I should not have agreed to go out with him because it was only leading him on. I was ready to cancel the darn thing when some of my friends said to go anyway and give him a chance, and that going out on a date would be good for me. I still should've cancelled. And now I'll have to be brutally honest instead of politely hinting that I'm not interested in pursuing anything further. Geez. Seriously. I appreciate the advice but I also feel as though some of you are grilling me at the stake for my actions. It was coffee. I didn't sleep with the guy then tell him to get lost!

 

And to the poster who noticed I'd been in a 10-year then 6-month 'casual dating' relationship, I called it as such because (a) yes, it probably was rebound, I jumped in too soon. The person involved and I have discussed this. We know we're better off as friends. And (b) He was the one who ended it actually. I used the term 'casual' because he was only interested in seeing me whenever it was convenient for him. READ: I wanted more than he did. So stop with the assumptions.

 

And further, I wasn't "whining", I gave you all the synopsis of the situation and asked for your ADVICE, not FINGER POINTING. I knew I'd gotten myself into something I clearly can't get myself out of without using a different approach, which is why I asked. "SHE LEAD HIM ON! OMG IT'S HER OWN FAULT! SHE DOESN'T GET IT!" So yes, instead of proverbially 'dancing' around the subject such as I have, I will have to be DIRECT - 'I DON'T SEE MYSELF IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU'. Will that suffice???

[BobSacamento]

Wow, well first of all let me apologize to all of you who feel this way! I mean, W-O-W.

 

Yes, you're all absolutely right, I should not have agreed to go out with him because it was only leading him on. I was ready to cancel the darn thing when some of my friends said to go anyway and give him a chance, and that going out on a date would be good for me. I still should've cancelled. And now I'll have to be brutally honest instead of politely hinting that I'm not interested in pursuing anything further. Geez. Seriously. I appreciate the advice but I also feel as though some of you are grilling me at the stake for my actions. It was coffee. I didn't sleep with the guy then tell him to get lost!

 

And to the poster who noticed I'd been in a 10-year then 6-month 'casual dating' relationship, I called it as such because (a) yes, it probably was rebound, I jumped in too soon. The person involved and I have discussed this. We know we're better off as friends. He was the one who ended it actually. I used the term 'casual' because he was only interested in seeing me whenever it was convenient for him. READ: I wanted more than he did. So stop with the assumptions.

 

Well I think the issue is that you should have went with him for coffee after the first time you met him or ended it there. Instead you did the old string him along dance. However, I agree with you he did come on way too strong and really even if you think it was "just coffee" to him it seems it may have meant more than that lol.

[pinkberry]

Well I think the issue is that you should have went with him for coffee after the first time you met him or ended it there. Instead you did the old string him along dance. However, I agree with you he did come on way too strong and really even if you think it was "just coffee" to him it seems it may have meant more than that lol.

 

You're right. I see that now. I thought I was being 'nice' but it's had a reverse effect and the result is me having to be brutally honest. Live and learn - now I know for next time.

[Groovy]

It's like taking off a band-aid, make it fast and quick. Tell him there's no chemistry. You don't need to go into detail. Don't offer to be a friend unless you really plan to talk and hang out as a friend. You really don't own this guy much. Even text it, it's not like you have a relationship.

 

I feel bad for guys because they don't come on strong enough and we think they don't care. They come on too strong and we feel like they need to back away. It's a fine line the tip toe around and each woman has their idea of flattering pursuit. So I say give the guy a break there.

[BlueHarvest]

I feel bad for guys because they don't come on strong enough and we think they don't care. They come on too strong and we feel like they need to back away. It's a fine line the tip toe around and each woman has their idea of flattering pursuit. So I say give the guy a break there.

 

Such a refreshing post that has a great deal of insight in it. Thank you Groovy.

 

-JustAnotherGuyWhoFailsAtDancingThatLine(Apparently)

[sotired]

pinkberry....I understand you were trying to be a nice person and not shoot him down right away. Even if I was attracted to the guy, the tons of texts and phone calls would have been a turn off. You can't beat around the bush, just have to straight up tell him you're not interested or he'll just continue the texting.

 

With some people there may be a fine line between too little and too much communication, but this dude went way overboard. When someone says they are busy don't keep texting and calling...That's kind of a given.

[sugarmomma]

IMHO I don't think she owes him anything. I would totally ignore his calls and texts or just tell him "we're not a good match for each other". Why does she have to explain anything to him. She didn't lead him on at all. I could see if she made him take her out to a 5 star restaurant then kicked him to the curb, but she didn't.

 

Pinkberry, you have nothing to feel bad about and don't let the people on this site shame you (they have a tendency to do that). You don't owe him S**T.

[RecordProducer]

You don't owe him S**T.

THAT is the whole point! Because she dosn't owe him s**t, she should cut him off elegantly ASAP, instead of dragging herself into a situation that annoys her. She doesn't like the guy, so what business does she have continuing the communication? He wants more than friendship, so she can only choose between romance and nothing. That much she does owe him. I don't think it's OK to use him as an ego booster while thinking how annoying he is. I am not saying she is doing this; I am just saying that your statement that she owes him nothing implies that she can play games with him as much as she wants and who cares about his feelings? I don't think she wants to play games with him. I think she's a nice girl who is a bit confused and wants to do the right thing. The right thing to do is: either sh*t or get off the pot.

[samspade]

"Weirdo"? She is misleading him and making him feel like there is a chance and interest, and what does the guy do? he does what any normal man would do, he is pursuing her.

 

While I agree she should not have let it get this far, I think the OP has given plenty of signals that she isn't interested in dude. And with all due respect, most females will not outright say "I'm not interested in you" any more than they'll say the opposite. It's a guy's job to pick up on signals, and this guy's antennae are broken.

 

He is not doing what any "normal man" would do. He is doing what a desperate loser would do: Texting and calling incessantly. Yes, she should have dropped the hammer earlier, but this guy is his own worst enemy. But let me tell you what a normal guy would have done:

 

1. He would have gotten HER number and called her. Not given his number out.

 

2. He would have planned a date a few days in advance, not "tomorrow."

 

3. He would have noticed that, even if she gave her number, she was not displaying any signs whatsoever of interest (taking the OP's word for it).

 

4. He would not have texted her to ask her out. A man picks up the phone and calls! I don't care what era we're in, texting is passive-aggressive.

 

5. He would not ask permission to call her (again over text). He would not have chatted extensively on the phone.

 

6. He would NOT text the day of the date except to a) confirm, b) let her know he's late. He would NOT text to thank her immediately afterward.

 

7. After she told him multiple times she was not interested in a relationship, he would have GOTTEN THE POINT and MOVED ON. It doesn't matter if the guy knows this excuse to be b.s. Every guy knows this; the smart ones accept it and move on. She was being polite. Maybe she needed to be a little clearer and ruder to this dude, as he sounds totally clueless. Apparently he has never seen the late night phone call scene from "Swingers."

 

Perhaps I'm holding up the status quo by allowing the female to be less forthright and placing the onus on the guy, but this is how it is, not how everyone wants it to be. This guy has a lot to learn. Guys like this make it a lot easier for guys like me.