crownjewel Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Hi all. I posted here a couple years back under a different name. Anyway, to make a long story short, here goes. Been married over 20 years with two great kids. About 3 years ago, my husband becomes very moody, distant, cold, remote and his libido drops very noticeably. I could not help but notice, and it came to a head 6 months later. He blew up at me saying that we were no longer like a couple, grew apart, lost intimacy, you name it. Also, this all happened because of me. Well, I thought we were pretty good together but acknowledged my part in the mess and tried to work with him. Thing is, after many months, he's still the same and says that he can't get over what I did. He had to get over this and I was not a part of the process. Well, for two more years I was in limbo. He cointinued to push me away, be cold, distant, etc. Finally, when I couldn't take anymore and said I was finished, he started snapping out of whatever had taken hold of him. Now almost 3 years later, he feels he is ready to "move on" and can't understand why I'm not on board. His behavior was so baffling and distant and cold that I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it. He explains it very matter of factly, that I hurt him and it took him 2.5 years to get over what I did. End of story. His behavior, loss of libido, etc. were all part of what was going on with him. His explanation just seems too neat and simple. What I'm having a hard time with is: I was never aware he was in such a bad place to begin with; when I acknolwedged things had grown apart, he refused to work with me and said he just isn't interested anymore; well why stay in the marriage when you refuse to do anything; my husband over over 20 years basically said that he was very unahppy with me, questioned the marriage, etc and now it feels like I'm now good enough to work with again. Finally, things just don't seem to add up quite that easily for me. I am going to counseling and she acknolwedged that while he may not have done anything wrong, it does seem suspicious. When I tell him that he says that I'm seeing conspiracy theories, etc. that aren't there. I guess what I'm asking is, am I making a mountain out of a molehill (like he insists) and should just try to put the past behind me? I am hurt, confused, angry, you name it. To be that cold, resentful, whatever for over 2 years just doesn't sit right, but maybe others have had similiar experiences? Any insight would be helpful.
belocchoc129 Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Overall, didn't he tell you the reason that made him in that state of mood? Age, work, or any personal problems that led him to that? I think your problem is you guys had a great conflict between each other, but each of you tried to hide it inside, you wanted to work it out, and he refused you. Then time passed by, the conflict grew greater and greater inside. Still, no one wanted to find any solution for it. And it seems to me that the 2 of you were so tired with this marriage, but still didn't understand the root of the problem. My advice is to both of you should go to a counsellor and talked about your problems openly. If he couldn't talk about it in front of you, thats fine, let the counsellor hear it and figure it out. Best wishes
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