Mr. Lucky Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Honesty is NOT always the best policy. (you proved my point here) See.. if you had kept it to yourself.. (let's say it WAS a mistake and you had no intention to ever do it again).. you wouldn't be in such a mess. But how would you know that you wouldn't make the same "mistake"? I'm going to assume that most WS didn't intend to cheat the first time, so how do they know what the future holds? What you're effectively saying is "never confess", since each time you could convince yourself that it won't happen again... Mr. Lucky
pelicanpreacher Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Honesty is NOT always the best policy. (you proved my point here) See.. if you had kept it to yourself.. (let's say it WAS a mistake and you had no intention to ever do it again).. you wouldn't be in such a mess. You both would be happy and nothing would be changed.. BUT NOW.. I'm afraid you totally destroyed your relationship.... It will take him forever, IF he ever get over it.. to forgive you and forget about it. If I were you.. I would have a 'serious' talk with him and tell him that for ONCE AND FOR ALL.. you don't want to hear anymore about it.. otherwise you're out of there.. period. You cannot live like that.. if he can't forgive you.. then you need to move on..for YOUR sake. Good luck! Correct me if I'm wrong but that isn't that the precipe espoused from the "Whore's Mantra" stipulated on page 116, paragrah 3, subsection 2?
Trialbyfire Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 OP, I noticed you haven't been back to respond to the posts. Is this situation for real?
bentnotbroken Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Again back to the "to tell or not to tell"..... And I agree if it really was over and it would not happen again, then the best thing to do is shut up and never say a word. Throw yourself in to the marriage. If it is multiple times or you can't help yourself it will eventually come out and you are in the exact same position. I'd rather not know, because if I did, I too would want to know everything and beat myself up to no end. Luckily (or at least no one has told me) I am oblivious to this point.... That only works to the cheaters benefit. Lies and deceit never work for the person who has been lied to. Mr. Messy kept it to himself(20 + years worth)until I found out, then he could ran naked through the streets proclaiming he was a changed man and it wouldn't have meant a damn thing to me other than he was running naked through the streets. All I see is a liar who chose to lie and continue to lie by omission. A person like that can't throw themselves into marriage it requires trust and honesty.
bentnotbroken Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Correct me if I'm wrong but that isn't that the precipe espoused from the "Whore's Mantra" stipulated on page 116, paragrah 3, subsection 2? :lmao::lmao:PP, that makes my sides hurt.:lmao:
Lizzie60 Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 But how would you know that you wouldn't make the same "mistake"? I'm going to assume that most WS didn't intend to cheat the first time, so how do they know what the future holds? What you're effectively saying is "never confess", since each time you could convince yourself that it won't happen again... Mr. Lucky From her post.. I think she realized she made a mistake.. Sometimes people think that the grass is greener.. but it's not.. then... they realize they've made a huge mistake and they want to work on their marriage.. In that case, should they hurt everyone just for a stupid mistake.. I don't think so.. Should they throw their SO, their kids, their own happiness down the drain for just one stupid mistake.. again I say NOOOOOO. I think it's a HUGE mistake to tell your partner.. if, deep down, you know you probably won't do it again.. or at least you have NO intention to do it again. If you do it again.. then maybe it's time to move on..
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 I think it's a HUGE mistake to tell your partner.. if, deep down, you know you probably won't do it again.. or at least you have NO intention to do it again. If you do it again.. then maybe it's time to move on.. Nearly every remorseful WS that posts here says something like "it was a mistake", "it just happened" or "I never intended to be in this situation". Few started off with the intention to cheat (although Lizzie, maybe your "clients" are different). The road to hell (and divorce) is paved with good intentions, most of which are thrown overboard by the WS when the opportunity arises. So If most have "NO intention" of cheating, what's the difference between those that do and those that don't? Mr. Lucky
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Cheating is always a choice lizzie!!! She could have said no!!! No one forced her to do what she did. she has free will. She should have thought of her family before she did what she chose to do. Now that I said that, it is a good thing that she told the truth. How would you feel if you slept with a man and he gave you HIV. and you broke down and started screaming and he tells you well I didnt want to tell you the truth well because I just wanted to take it to my grave. lol. See not so nice under different circumstances. She placed her well being and her family's at risk when she decided to have sex with the OM. Her husband is angry and rightfully so, he trusted her and she coluded with the enemy! That's how he's looking at it. he's gonna be enraged and angry and it's gonna take time for him to work through it, but dont discount his feelings just because he's angry about it. Because it's not so nice if the shoe was on the other foot right?
AnthonyF Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Cheating is always a choice lizzie!!! She could have said no!!! No one forced her to do what she did. she has free will. She should have thought of her family before she did what she chose to do. Now that I said that, it is a good thing that she told the truth. How would you feel if you slept with a man and he gave you HIV. and you broke down and started screaming and he tells you well I didnt want to tell you the truth well because I just wanted to take it to my grave. lol. See not so nice under different circumstances. She placed her well being and her family's at risk when she decided to have sex with the OM. Her husband is angry and rightfully so, he trusted her and she coluded with the enemy! That's how he's looking at it. he's gonna be enraged and angry and it's gonna take time for him to work through it, but dont discount his feelings just because he's angry about it. Because it's not so nice if the shoe was on the other foot right? So she/he could have given him HIV the next time she slept with him.... That is the chance she/he anyone who sleeps with someone takes. That's not an argument. Heck in or out of a relationship, you sleep with someone you take that chance. I'm sorry for anyone who has been cheated on and can not understand your pain. The point is and probably seldom applies, but if cheating is a one time affair or only for a short period, I think not knowing anything is better in the long run.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I am getting so tired of these games You cheat and played games, and YOU are getting tired of him working out his pain? and the accusing but I know I have to expect some of it but damn I can't keep living like this it has been 4 months and he still insist that there is more I haven't told him. don't sound so surprised. You are a cheater. That automatically makes you a liar. Of COURSE he doesn't believe you. And I hate to break it to you...but 4 months is NOTHING!! Try putting yourself in his shoes. If 4 months has gone by, he is trying to stay with you, he is still hurt. He will carry what you did to him for a LIFETIME. It may get better and he comes to a point where he doesn't have to think about what you did day to day...but that will be a long time coming. Strap yourself in if you want to make amends...its going to be a long and bumpy ride. You have exiled him to a life of reliving what you did to him...so again, 4 months is nothing for a cheater to still be paying the price. If he really wants to keep the family together, then I can only guess that it will be a year or two before the pain really diminishes and he is numb from it all to where it won't be brought up. But maybe getting a divorce would be good. I know it would be good for him whether he might realize it or not. Because if you can betray him like this, but in 4 months can't take some heat while he is working through his pain...then you aren't all that interested in saving the marriage. I do not know what to do I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I hate myself for what i have done if I hadnt of done it I feel this wouldn't be happening right now. I don't know what to do. I can not take the name calling anymore, the talking down to me, not helping around the home b/c i did this to him by making him depressed. YOU can't take it all?? Try being in his shoes. I guarantee...he is in the greater depths of hell than you are. There are kids involved and they don't deserve this either. Ok you can just stop right there. He didn't do this to them....YOU did. Don't you dare try to put what they are going through on him.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Look if he was a controlling prick before the affair... this will just be gasoline on his fire. You should really consider your future with him if this is the case. Now, if he was not some controlling jerk before hand... then clearly he will settle down after some time. I wouldn't bet on it. I wasn't controlling in my marriage. Actually quite the opposite. I was happy to stay at home while the wife went out with "the girls". I felt like a good husband by doing that so she could go out and blow off steam at the end of a week. And in less than 2 months, I realized I was not going to calm down unless I got rid of her. And even if I stayed with her...sure, I might have calmed down, but I'd always have that inner turmoil knowing I am staying with someone I no longer trust.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Honesty is NOT always the best policy. (you proved my point here) See.. if you had kept it to yourself.. (let's say it WAS a mistake and you had no intention to ever do it again).. you wouldn't be in such a mess. You both would be happy and nothing would be changed.. BUT NOW.. I'm afraid you totally destroyed your relationship.... It will take him forever, IF he ever get over it.. to forgive you and forget about it. If I were you.. I would have a 'serious' talk with him and tell him that for ONCE AND FOR ALL.. you don't want to hear anymore about it.. otherwise you're out of there.. period. You cannot live like that.. if he can't forgive you.. then you need to move on..for YOUR sake. Good luck! This completely misses the point, on several fronts. Firstly, her husband has a right to know the truth. When they married, they did so with certain mutual expectations, which they both agreed to. He has the right to know that she didn't honour those expectations. Marrying somebody is one of the most important and life-changing decisions a person can make. The unfortunate truth is that she is no longer the person he married. And she may well have put him at risk for incurable STDs. He has the right to make decisions about the course of HIS life and about the risks he will take with HIS health. She denied him those rights by cheating, and cheerfully made those decisions for him. By continuing to deceive him about what she'd done, she would be continuing to make decisions she had no right to make. Nobody died and made her god. Secondly, she may well have totally destroyed the relationship. But that happened the moment she cheated on him, not the moment she confessed. Thirdly: she isn't required to stay married to him. If she wants out, she can get a divorce. But if she wants the marriage to survive, she has to fix it. She already got the fun, exciting part of her cheating, and now she's upset because she's having to deal with the not-fun part. Boo hoo. Part of making a mess when you're an adult is that you're expected to clean it up. She should answer his questions about what happened honestly and completely. And giving him an ultimatum, to either shut up about it or she's leaving? Unless he's being physically or emotionally abusive (and, sorry to say, demanding the truth doesn't cut it), she owes it to him to suck it up and actually do the hard work necessary to maybe fix the marriage.
jmargel Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I think MC is necessary here. I believe the reason he is doing these things is because first he still doesn't trust you which will take months or years to get back. Also he doesn't know or understand the reason WHY it happened. Therefore unless we know the reason WHY it happened, we can't prevent it from happening again. Going to marriage counseling will help resolve this. Until you get your first appointment (it will take months of counseling) when he starts acting really upset the best thing to tell him is 'I am not going to talk about this now while you are upset and making up these accusations. I will talk to you when you calm down.' Then just do just that. If you yell or get defensive his imagination will only get worse. Don't let him talk down to you, you made a mistake you're not a bad person. Any name calling is beyond the boundaries, doesn't matter if you cheated. If he starts calling you names, let him know you won't tolerate this and will only talk to him when he stops. When you feel like he's trying to engage you into a fight, that's when you stop it.
stuckinoz Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I've been "skip reading" this..... Why on earth do the children need to be privvy to this information. They don't need to know their parents PERSONAL/INTIMATE information. Now, if a divorce happens....Yes, Mummy & daddy are getting divorced...But for crying out loud you don't say BECAUSE MUMMY COULDN'T KEEP HER LEGS CROSSED....Holy Cow!!!! soserious1....that question was a little out of line...Don'tcha think?
Dexter Morgan Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I've been "skip reading" this..... Why on earth do the children need to be privvy to this information. They don't need to know their parents PERSONAL/INTIMATE information. Now, if a divorce happens....Yes, Mummy & daddy are getting divorced...But for crying out loud you don't say BECAUSE MUMMY COULDN'T KEEP HER LEGS CROSSED....Holy Cow!!!! soserious1....that question was a little out of line...Don'tcha think? I'll never tell my kids what really happened if they never ask...and right now, they are too young to understand anyway. But when they grow up, if they ask...I'll tell them. not going to lie and sugarcoat it. I'll just tell them, "your mother slept with X number of men during our entire marriage" And though I'm fond of the "couln't keep her legs crossed" or " she spread her legs" lines....I won't be quite that way with them. but if they ask, I will tell them the truth, then I'll never bring it up again. So they will have to ask for me to tell them. As far as serious1's question being out of line? I don't think so. The question posed wasn't anywhere near the "out of line" behavior that she exhibited. And if that wasn't bad enough...she betrayed their father...played games by cheating......oh...but it is HIM that is playing games now. Sorry, but too bad. this is what happens when someone has been devestated. Pain just doesn't go away and he shouldn't just have to "get over it" as many cheaters here expect a BS to do. I do agree with JM's assessment about the name calling, but this is the kind of emotions that cheating brings out. Expecting him to just be able to dump the pain and get over it is asinine.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 From her post.. I think she realized she made a mistake.. Sometimes people think that the grass is greener.. but it's not.. then... they realize they've made a huge mistake and they want to work on their marriage.. In that case, should they hurt everyone just for a stupid mistake.. I don't think so.. Should they throw their SO, their kids, their own happiness down the drain for just one stupid mistake.. again I say NOOOOOO. I think it's a HUGE mistake to tell your partner.. if, deep down, you know you probably won't do it again.. or at least you have NO intention to do it again. If you do it again.. then maybe it's time to move on.. thats just it, with no REAL consequences to their cheating, they WILL do it again...its just a matter of time. My situation 2 years ago was a prime example. My wife kept her mouth shut about what she did before marriage and learned she could keep getting away with it. 8 year of my life were stolen from me. If she would have come clean in the early stages, alot of pain and wasted years could have been spared. so while she may think she ruined everything by telling, on the contrary, what ruined things was her cheating in the first place. And if she buried it and kept her husband in the dark....then she will have learned a valuable lesson...cheat...keep mouth shut...and ye can get away with it the next time too.
stuckinoz Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Thank goodness we are not all alike. If I were in the situation & my children came to me ~ I would DEFINATELY NOT throw their father under the bus. No matter how old they were or if I thought they could handle the truth, or how devistated I still felt about the situation. My response would be "You need to ask him what happened"...Why would it be necessary to air dirty laundry like that to your children about their father (or mother in this case) I don't see how anyone could win in that situation. Which is why the person committing the ACT (as it were) would be the one that needs to answer the questions.
bentnotbroken Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Thank goodness we are not all alike. If I were in the situation & my children came to me ~ I would DEFINATELY NOT throw their father under the bus. No matter how old they were or if I thought they could handle the truth, or how devistated I still felt about the situation. My response would be "You need to ask him what happened"...Why would it be necessary to air dirty laundry like that to your children about their father (or mother in this case) I don't see how anyone could win in that situation. Which is why the person committing the ACT (as it were) would be the one that needs to answer the questions. My children knew before I did. And as far a throwing someone under a bus, isn't that what the cheating spouse did to the marriage and the betrayed spouse? My kids are older and I had no intention of lying to them or covering for him. They knew who he was better than I did.
cybersister Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I hope the two of you make it...I hope that the reason you confessed was to wipe the slate, not just to get it off your chest. I say this as I once fessed up to my boyfriend of the time- (not the current one- I can honestly say that I have finally learned my lesson and know that I am in a relationship I value way too much to jeopardise) about having slept with someone we drank with in the pub. Thing is I did it as I was confident that he would drop the " friend" and keep me. I was right ( in fact we later married ) but I am probably most ashamed of that in my life- ie I put my boyfriend through the hurt of knowing for my own ends- ie I did not want to have to see the other fella in the pub any more cos I was ashamed. So if you are truly contrite, both understand the reasons and address them then you might just come out of this stronger as a couple. I think the point of this confession is that yes, some of us make mistakes, and yes, we learn from them. I know people get hurt in the process and it would be much better if we learned from being told what to do and not to do , but life is not perfect and some of us learn from making age old mistakes.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Thank goodness we are not all alike. ya, I'm a right bastard aint I? If I were in the situation & my children came to me ~ I would DEFINATELY NOT throw their father under the bus. No matter how old they were or if I thought they could handle the truth, or how devistated I still felt about the situation. My response would be "You need to ask him what happened"...Why would it be necessary to air dirty laundry like that to your children about their father (or mother in this case) because they asked. i wouldn't put it like you asserted(i.e. spreading legs or keeping legs crossed). But if they asked and wanted to know if either of us were unfaithful, I'll tell them. I'm not going to lie to them. Telling them to "ask your mother" will just get them a lie.
stampdaddy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 because they asked. i wouldn't put it like you asserted(i.e. spreading legs or keeping legs crossed). But if they asked and wanted to know if either of us were unfaithful, I'll tell them. I'm not going to lie to them. Telling them to "ask your mother" will just get them a lie. Dexter, you and I don't post back and forth like you do with others, but I do have to disagree with you on this one.. No matter how old the kids are, there has to be a better way to handle it. Maybe it isnt to tell them "go ask your mother", but it shouldnt be you... No matter how angry, or hurt, or betrayed one feels, it is what those little ears and hearts hear, and WHO they hear it from.. it will NEVER leave them..
Dexter Morgan Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 because they asked. i wouldn't put it like you asserted(i.e. spreading legs or keeping legs crossed). But if they asked and wanted to know if either of us were unfaithful, I'll tell them. I'm not going to lie to them. Telling them to "ask your mother" will just get them a lie. Dexter, you and I don't post back and forth like you do with others, but I do have to disagree with you on this one.. No matter how old the kids are, there has to be a better way to handle it. Maybe it isnt to tell them "go ask your mother", but it shouldnt be you... No matter how angry, or hurt, or betrayed one feels, it is what those little ears and hearts hear, and WHO they hear it from.. it will NEVER leave them.. Like I said, I'll never tell them if information isn't solicited by them. But if they get older and want to know what happened and flat out ask me, "did one of you cheat?", I'm not lying to them.
stampdaddy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Like I said, I'll never tell them if information isn't solicited by them. But if they get older and want to know what happened and flat out ask me, "did one of you cheat?", I'm not lying to them. never said you should lie, and that IS your choice and I respect that, as it is again, YOUR choice.. No, you should lie, and YES, it is difficult in your situation, cause it is not like you will call the ex and say, "hey, we have a little issue we need to discuss. The children are asking about one of us cheating, so maybe we should ALL get together this weekend, I dont know, maybe at a park, or a restaurant and have a "family pow-wow"
jnj express Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I don't know what your mge. was like prior to your cheating, and you have not returned to fill in any details, about anything else, so we don't know WHY you cheated, all we know is that you cheated, So to dig into how your H. is handling this, we need more info., such as why you cheated, why you decided to out yourself, and whatever else you can give us that would help us give you advice, there are many here who have been thru all different situations, so you need to give them more to work with. That said in most instances the betrayed spouse needs every bit of info. possible so there is nothing left to his imagination BEFORE HE CAN START TO HEAL. Your H. is going to act all sorts of ways, be in many different moods, and in some cases all in the same day, and have visions and pain that may not go away for years. You have ripped your family apart, DO NOT EXPECT TO JUST HAVE IT SWEPT UNDER THE RUG, cuz you are ready for it to be put behind you, that isn't the way this works. If you didn't want this storm in your life, you should have thought of that before breaking your vows, you were not put on this earth yesterday, YOU KNEW WHAT CHEATING DOES TO THOSE IN A MARRIAGE, it rips everyone apart. Your H. absolutely DOES NOT TRUST YOU, and he may never, and now he is doing things to find out, in his way, if more details are forthcoming, or if there were even other affairs. He doesn't know who and what you are any more. If you want to R. this mge., then i am afraid you are going to have to ride thru this storm you have created, and you are going to have to deal with this new person you forced your H. to become. BUT your H. does not have any right to be abusive, and to shirk his responsibilities to the family, your problem is that you have abdicated your right to realistically complain about his actions. You gave yourself to another, and ripped your mge., apart, and you just have to deal with the aftermath, it won't go away.
michelangelo Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Sometimes the need to know the details - and I mean every single one - is a way for the BS to 'own' those details. The secrets between you and OM are no longer sacred if you lay them out and dissect them with your H. He wants to make sure that there is nothing that the OM can say that he has that the H doesn't. By having those details, he in effect is assuring himself that there is nothing you can hold sacred or dear. The secrets become ugly naked facts to be met with revulsion and disgust. He wants you to regret every second, and if he hears you giving up those times with tears and regret, he will feel better in a sense. It won't make him feel great to hear it, but at the very least he can think to himself "see OM? My wife thinks you are sh*t and is throwing you under the bus". I had the same need for details the one time I got cheated on. I wanted him to declare her a mistake, call her a whore, regret what he did - I wanted every single detail to have some sort of negative meaning attached to it. I wanted to make sure that there was not a single stone left unturned. Nothing for him to think back on fondly. No memory of her that could be said to be positive. In hindsight a few years later, I can look back and see that logically that doesn't work, but it does satisfy a primal need to emotionally piss on your territory and reclaim it. I wanted the details and to not have my wife have any part of her sleazy affair to hang onto with any positive emotion. It took fr too much time for her to arrive there. I am emotionally spent by this marathon of pain.
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