I confessed to cheating....now life is Hell

[sammy77]

I cheated on my husband and confessed now I told everything there is to tell however he is wanting details of the events how it happend (positions), with who, where, who did what first etc... i hate myself for what I have done and want to move forward and leave everything behind including the details. He seems to keep thinking there is more and said he can not move on until he know all. He knows all and he is making up stories to try to catch me in a lie by saying things like so and so called me today and told me you called him again...when I know I haven't.....or someone told me today they know more details and they want to tell him but I told them not to and I didn't...

 

I am getting so tired of these games and the accusing but I know I have to expect some of it but damn I can't keep living like this it has been 4 months and he still insist that there is more I haven't told him. I do not know what to do I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I hate myself for what i have done if I hadnt of done it I feel this wouldn't be happening right now. I don't know what to do. I can not take the name calling anymore, the talking down to me, not helping around the home b/c i did this to him by making him depressed. There are kids involved and they don't deserve this either, i do not know what to do and i have noone else to talk to.

[stampdaddy]

Well, my first piece of advice when it comes to posting here, is just hold on to the ride.. You WILL receive a lot of great advice, and you will also receive a lot of, well, not so good stuff...

 

OK, now are you and your H in counselling? If not, GET THERE! This is a must. At the least, it will help determine what you two should do in the end..

 

Some men DO need all of the details, for whatever reasons, they need them. And once they have them, I don't know how they could continue. BUT, you also can't NOT give them what they feel they need. This is where the MC can possibly help.

 

How long was the affair? Are you still in contact with the Other Man? Have you REALLY been honest with your H? Are you being honest with yourself? How old are your children?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I [COLOR=#ff0000]cheated[/COLOR] on my husband and confessed now I told everything there is to tell however he is wanting details of the events how it happend (positions), with who, where, who did what first etc... i hate myself for what I have done and want to move forward and leave everything behind including the details. He seems to keep thinking there is more and said he can not move on until he know all. He knows all and he is making up stories to try to catch me in a lie by saying things like so and so called me today and told me you called him again...when I know I haven't.....or someone told me today they know more details and they want to tell him but I told them not to and I didn't...I am getting so tired of these games and the accusing but I know I have to expect some of it but damn I can't keep living like this it has been 4 months and he still insist that there is more I haven't told him. I do not know what to do I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I hate myself for what i have done if I hadnt of done it I feel this wouldn't be happening right now. Iserve this either, i do not know what to do and i have noone else to talk todont know what to do. I can not take the name calling anymore, the talking down to me, not helping around the home b/c i did this to him by making him depressed. There are kids involved and they don't de.

 

Look if he was a controlling prick before the affair... this will just be gasoline on his fire. You should really consider your future with him if this is the case.

 

Now, if he was not some controlling jerk before hand... then clearly he will settle down after some time.

 

Clearly the guy has a need to see you deal with consequences. You need to figure out what its going to take for him to get past this. Time is often a huge component.

 

If you or he dont feel like going through the effort of fixing this marriage. Then end it now!

 

AND... Don't forget that HE has an obligation too! He has to try and work to fix the marriage as well. This may be all your fault, but he has to put out the effort.

[Reggie]

It's pretty early inthisprocess to be expecting things to get much better. Have you done much reading on rcovering from infidelity? The "experts" suggest it takes 2-5 years to recover(to the extent a marriage can recover). So, at only 4 months out, things are supposed to be very rough.

Time and counseling are supposed to help. What steps have you taken to set up counseling? This is on you, the major responsibility for taking action in setting up counseling, reading on this subject, writing no contact letters, setting up STD testing for both of you, changing cell phone niumbers, etc. Have you done all this?

If not, your H may not get past this. Chances are he won't , regardless(about a 30% recovery rate after infidelity). But, if you really want to recover, you need to commit to the long haul and you need to do this work.

[Owl]

You need to realize that the real devestation that he's felt here was the result of your DECEPTION as much as it was anything else.

 

You completely and totally destroyed and shattered his trust in you.

 

He has no reason to trust you right now. Read that again. He has no reason to trust you right now.

 

I believe that you ARE doing all the right things. But you're basically asking your husband to accept your word on that...after you lied to him, and betrayed him in the most horrible fashion possible.

 

What you're asking for is like expecting a rape victim to accept the word of their attacker that they won't do it again. The emotional trauma is pretty much that severe.

 

The only way that this gets better is by working through it. Seeing a good marriage counselor, one with an excellent, proven plan and track record for recovering marriage from infidelity is key in this.

 

Another is recognizing that he's on an emotional "rollercoaster ride from hell". Somedays he'll be better, some he'll be worse.

 

And right now, all you can do is remain constant for him. Consistently take the steps you need to in order to rebuild his trust in you. Repeat the truth to him no matter how many times it takes for him to believe you. SHOW him the truth in your actions from now going forward.

 

And don't expect him to be better tomorrow. Or the day after.

 

Recovering from this emotional trauma is a LOT like recovering from rape. Would you expect a rape victim to "get over it" in four months? Not hardly. Odds are, he'll take months to years to "recover"...and like that other victim, may well bear the "scars" for life.

 

I don't doubt that you're going through Hell right now. But here's the thing. You're there by choice. He's there...by your choice. Accept that. Accept that it's your responsibility to help him to recover, to heal, to make amends for what you've done.

[Trialbyfire]

sammy, put the shoe on the other foot. He has to see you day in and day out, reminded over and over again, that the woman he loved and trusted, betrayed him in the worst emotional way possible.

 

I honestly don't know why anyone would stay with a liar and a cheater. You're damn lucky he loves you and your children, more than he loves his own emotional sanity. Otherwise, he would have dropped you like a hot potato and divorced you, like I did my ex-H.

[lostsunsets]

You need to understand that you murdered the woman he loved. He will never look at you the same again......ever. He may be in love with you, obviously he is or why would he stay. Did he treat you bad? (you say he doesn't help around the house, so he obviously did b4 you betrayed him). He is in a deep depression now. Was he a happy person b4? Was the person you betrayed him with an old boyfriend, an ex husband, someone you worked with?

 

You say you want to move forward. Allow me to alert you to something. NO ONE MOVES FORWARD UNTIL HE MOVES FORWARD. You say it has been this way for 4 months. It seems like a long time to you, because you didn't give a damn in the first place. So naturally you think that 4 months is to long.

 

Allow me to alert you to something else. THE DIFFICULTY HE IS HAVING IS BASED ON TWO THINGS. FIRST, ITS BASED ON HOW IMPORTANT HIS MARRIAGE WAS AND IS TO HIM. IF THE MARRIAGE WASN'T THAT IMPORTANT TO HIM. IT WOULD BE EASY TO GET PAST IT. SECOND. ITS BASED ON HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU. As I said, he obviously loves you very much, because of the HELL he is going through.

 

BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE DIDN'T/DOESN'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU, YOU THINK "CAN'T WE JUST GET BEYOND THIS?' That's why you are asking if you should give up and leave.

 

You see Sammy in your whole post. You never said you loved him. Not once. So its also pretty evident that you are only interested in how this effecting you.

 

Do you want to help him?

[BW007]

One thing that I read about that may help, is to go to a MC and try to set up an exhaustive, full disclosure session where any question is answered truthfully, but it puts a boundary on the damage by limiting it to these sessions. I know that when I kept being obsessed on the subject for too long it ruined any hope of salvaging the relationship. The advice, as I understand it, was not to ignore the fears and questions and doubts but to structure and compartmentalize(Not deny) the problem. I don't know if this really works in real life, we never got that far.

[lostsunsets]

If you want to help him. You need to write him a letter and read it to him. Something like this.

 

 

 

My darling, I love you so very much. Please let me read this in whole before you speak. I know what I have done to you is unforgivable. That all you ever showed me was love. We may have had some problems. But those problems in no way have any bearing on what I have done to our marriage. I have betrayed our love, our family, and my wedding vows. What I did is beneath contempt. This was not a mistake. It was a willful, selfish act. I will spend the rest of my life trying to restore your trust and love in me. In the future, I will never say "can't we just get over this?" again. I know, no one gets past this, until you do. Please understand, that what happened is and was completely and totally my fault. There is no excuse. There are no mitigating circumstance. There is only one person to blame. ME. You did nothing to deserve any of this. You are totally blameless. That being said. I see, how what I have done has hurt you so deeply that it has shaken me to my core. I feel worthless. I look in the eyes that use to look at me with love and now all I see is pain and loathing. I deserve everything that you have called me, all the hostility you show me. And any and all questions you have asked me. I deserve all this and worse.

 

I not only see what this has done to you, but I feel what this has done to you. That is why I hope beyond hope that we can work through this together. This is all up to you. You are the one who was hurt. You are the one who was betrayed. I will stay and do what ever I can to try to repair what I have broken. But the decision will be yours if we can move forward together. And yes whether we will have to move forward separately. I will stay as long as I am able. But at some point, if I feel my presence is keeping you from healing and hurting our children, I will leave. I am so sorry that it took my horrible failure to realize just how much I love you. I pray that some day you will find it in your heart to forgive the unforgivable. And that our family can be put back together with love and a new commitment. If you choose to bless me by staying with me, I understand that there will be times when you think of what I have done and will be angry. At those times I will understand and be patient. There will be times when you are racked with sorrow and tears. At those times I will hold you and weep with you. When you need time away from me I will understand. And when you are ready to be with me again, I will welcome you into my arms.

 

My husband. You are my life. You are my safe harbor. without you I am like a ship caught in a storm at sea. Please let me come home to the safety of your arms. Please don't cast me away with your anger. I am begging you to save that which I have broken apart.....Our marriage and love.

 

I am ready to answer any and all questions you may have now or in the future. I will take a polygraph test if you desire. Anything. I Love you.

[stampdaddy]

If you want to help him. You need to write him a letter and read it to him. Something like this.

 

 

 

My darling, I love you so very much. Please let me read this in whole before you speak. I know what I have done to you is unforgivable. That all you ever showed me was love. We may have had some problems. But those problems in no way have any bearing on what I have done to our marriage. I have betrayed our love, our family, and my wedding vows. What I did is beneath contempt. This was not a mistake. It was a willful, selfish act. I will spend the rest of my life trying to restore your trust and love in me. In the future, I will never say "can't we just get over this?" again. I know, no one gets past this, until you do. Please understand, that what happened is and was completely and totally my fault. There is no excuse. There are no mitigating circumstance. There is only one person to blame. ME. You did nothing to deserve any of this. You are totally blameless. That being said. I see, how what I have done has hurt you so deeply that it has shaken me to my core. I feel worthless. I look in the eyes that use to look at me with love and now all I see is pain and loathing. I deserve everything that you have called me, all the hostility you show me. And any and all questions you have asked me. I deserve all this and worse.

 

I not only see what this has done to you, but I feel what this has done to you. That is why I hope beyond hope that we can work through this together. This is all up to you. You are the one who was hurt. You are the one who was betrayed. I will stay and do what ever I can to try to repair what I have broken. But the decision will be yours if we can move forward together. And yes whether we will have to move forward separately. I will stay as long as I am able. But at some point, if I feel my presence is keeping you from healing and hurting our children, I will leave. I am so sorry that it took my horrible failure to realize just how much I love you. I pray that some day you will find it in your heart to forgive the unforgivable. And that our family can be put back together with love and a new commitment. If you choose to bless me by staying with me, I understand that there will be times when you think of what I have done and will be angry. At those times I will understand and be patient. There will be times when you are racked with sorrow and tears. At those times I will hold you and weep with you. When you need time away from me I will understand. And when you are ready to be with me again, I will welcome you into my arms.

 

My husband. You are my life. You are my safe harbor. without you I am like a ship caught in a storm at sea. Please let me come home to the safety of your arms. Please don't cast me away with your anger. I am begging you to save that which I have broken apart.....Our marriage and love.

 

I am ready to answer any and all questions you may have now or in the future. I will take a polygraph test if you desire. Anything. I Love you.

 

LOST, while this is beautiful, it really is.. These words HAVE to come from OP, HER heart, mind and soul.. She can't just copy and paste this. She can't summons Hallmark cards and just hand them to him unless this is TRULY how she feels.. Maybe she does, but as someone else pointed out: never in her initial post did she mention ANY of these feelings that you wrote, which again, are beautiful. just sayin'

[Owl]

One thing that I read about that may help, is to go to a MC and try to set up an exhaustive, full disclosure session where any question is answered truthfully, but it puts a boundary on the damage by limiting it to these sessions. I know that when I kept being obsessed on the subject for too long it ruined any hope of salvaging the relationship. The advice, as I understand it, was not to ignore the fears and questions and doubts but to structure and compartmentalize(Not deny) the problem. I don't know if this really works in real life, we never got that far.

 

One session really doesn't do it for most BS's who ask these questions.

 

They ask questions...then later they think of ones they feel that they should have asked. They ask cross-examination questions, clarification questions...they walk away, think about the answers, and come up with whole new questions.

 

Doing a "one time shot" probably won't actually help resolve the issue.

 

BUT...here's a good suggestion. Instead of a one time shot...setup recurring, PLANNED times to discuss things about the affair. Once, maybe twice a week. Schedule them so that kids aren't an issue...interruptions unlikely.

 

Set a SPECIFIC time limit on these sessions...like one hour.

 

Ask your BS to write down questions during the week, or ideas and things he wants to discuss relative to the affair. Bring them to the sessions, and THAT is when you work through these things.

 

When the time limit hits...it's over. Ask him to write down anything he's missing, and you'll start there next session.

 

AND DO NOT DISCUSS ANY OF THIS FURTHER UNTIL THE NEXT SESSION.

 

Don't let him get you involved in any discussion along these lines outside of these sessions. Ask him to write it down and bring it to the next session.

 

One other good thing to go with this. Schedule yourselves some kind of "reward" for the both of you after a session. Case in point...my wife and I made a practice of stopping for custard immediately after all of our MC sessions as a reward for ourselves. It gives you something to look forward to AFTER the session...and something positive to turn too after all the negatives.

 

This worked well for us.

[lostsunsets]

you're right stampdaddy. Its just some people have problems putting their feelings to words. And it was me who said she never said she loved her husband in her post. She can change it or whatever she wants. I write it to effect her as much as him.

[sky1200]

You're only months into recovery. You have no right to complain about how he react. Put yourself in his shoes when you're feeling down, whatever that you feel, he feels 10 times worse.

 

Every time he closes his eyes, he is probably seeing his naked body on top of yours. You, as his wife, did this to him. Stop complaining and start helping him heal, whatever it takes and however long it takes.

[Athena]

you're right stampdaddy. Its just some people have problems putting their feelings to words. And it was me who said she never said she loved her husband in her post. She can change it or whatever she wants. I write it to effect her as much as him.

 

Lostsunsets, I don't know what your day-time job is, but you sure could make a living out of writing Greeting Cards, and novels, and giving vivid advice...

[anne1707]

One other good thing to go with this. Schedule yourselves some kind of "reward" for the both of you after a session. Case in point...my wife and I made a practice of stopping for custard immediately after all of our MC sessions as a reward for ourselves. It gives you something to look forward to AFTER the session...and something positive to turn too after all the negatives.

 

This worked well for us.

 

 

Wuggle and I always hugged each other as soon as we got out of the MC session. It was our way of saying yes that was tough as hell but we are still here fighting for us. We also made a point of not raising issues discussed in the MC until the next session. MC, if done well, allows you to say whatever needs to be said with someone to help mediate when things start to get too painful (as they will). Please give it a try and also listen to Owl - he talks more sense than most on this subject.

[soserious1]

I cheated on my husband and confessed now I told everything there is to tell however he is wanting details of the events how it happend (positions), with who, where, who did what first etc... i hate myself for what I have done and want to move forward and leave everything behind including the details. He seems to keep thinking there is more and said he can not move on until he know all. He knows all and he is making up stories to try to catch me in a lie by saying things like so and so called me today and told me you called him again...when I know I haven't.....or someone told me today they know more details and they want to tell him but I told them not to and I didn't...

 

I am getting so tired of these games and the accusing but I know I have to expect some of it but damn I can't keep living like this it has been 4 months and he still insist that there is more I haven't told him. I do not know what to do I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I hate myself for what i have done if I hadnt of done it I feel this wouldn't be happening right now. I don't know what to do. I can not take the name calling anymore, the talking down to me, not helping around the home b/c i did this to him by making him depressed. There are kids involved and they don't deserve this either, i do not know what to do and i have noone else to talk to.

 

 

So tell us, how worried were you about your children when you were spreading your legs for another man?

[Mr. Lucky]

I am getting so tired of these games and the accusing but I know I have to expect some of it but damn I can't keep living like this it has been 4 months and he still insist that there is more I haven't told him. I do not know what to do I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I hate myself for what i have done if I hadnt of done it I feel this wouldn't be happening right now. I don't know what to do.

The dealbreaker in my first marriage was not my wife's affair but her distaste for dealing with the aftermath. Sounds like you might be headed down the same road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stampdaddy]

So tell us, how worried were you about your children when you were spreading your legs for another man?

 

I HATE posts like yours as they do ZERO good..... she knows......

[soserious1]

I HATE posts like yours as they do ZERO good..... she knows......

 

she knows what exactly? Sorry but when they come here all pious sounding and concerned for the precious children that they didn't give a rat's arse about when they were cheating it makes me ill.

[whichwayisup]

i do not know what to do and i have noone else to talk to.

 

Start by going to counselling with your husband and on your own, but make sure it's same marriage counsellor.

 

All you can do now is try to get yourself out of "me me me" mode and think more about your husband, his pain and betrayal. Don't keep saying I'm sorry, show him not only in words, but in actions that you are doing everything possible to save the marriage, and prove that you ARE worthy of his trust and faith again.

 

You can't demand him to get over it. Ofcourse you feel awful and it'll be hard for you to see him at his worst, but start accepting that things are going to be this way for a long time, and just be more considerate of his feelings.

[Sco]

Let’s face it, The last thing you wanna do is tell your husband how another man do you, position and all.. chances are, he’ll hate you for the rest of your life and possibly make you pay for it one way or another. Yes we always like to know all the details, but truly no one can handle that, nor really deserves the excruciating pain. Give him details but spare him the “positions”.

 

You seem to be at your wit’s end, even though it’s hard not to pass judgment, because “cheating is cheating and could never be justified”, but there is an air of genuineness about your post, an authentic cry that says “I screwed up, am truly sorry, and really wanna make it work”. I may be wrong, but no one really knows what pushed you over.

 

Now check this out.. All the name calling, the talking down, not helping ‘round the house, he’s depressed, you’re down etc.. will impact your home and make it very unstable. Fact is, Life is hell as your title states - understandably so - but the downward spiral is not healthy for neither you nor him, let alone the children. Bleeding must stop.

 

You must find help quickly, marriage counselor, pastoral counseling, friends and family members, books [ “Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harvey ] is one of many you can try. So brace yourself.. it ain’t gonna be smooth sailing, but with the right help and will power, you two can make it to the end.

 

Take care of yourself and the children.

[Stunned_To_Disbelief]

Having been on your husbands side of the coin, maybe I can offer a bit of advice. If You have been completely honest then you are in the clear. I'm sure the only reason he's interested in position's is morbid curiosity. Where I wouldn't go into Intimate details, the where (his place, Yours, a hotel) should be sufficient. The how it happened goes to feeding his need for seeing the signs he missed to your actions along the way. Lateness from work, unexpected shopping trips, etc. He's trying to prevent missing the signals again. If he's getting phone calls, they maybe from your OM or his friends, alot of how you broke up with him could tell you if this is the case. Tell him next time he gets the call that someone knows something , and your not being honest to suggest that if your available, you will stand by his side & you will listen in. If you are NOT available, then ask him to get their number & you can both call them back & get the details you've omitted. Again this could be happening with your OM trying to cause flak for you & drive a wedge between you and your Family.

you have done your husband an unbelievable wrong, to expect "Peaches & Cream " afterward is unrealistic. Your hurting, understandable but Your Going To have to Get Over It. The fact is he's hurting, and in ways you'll never understand, a stiff upper lip on your part & willingness to "take one for the team: (read: YOUR FAMILY) will Help. He may also be depressed, is it possible your kids are old enuf they can pick up some home chore slack?

Next up is starting to replace the memories of you & OM that erased all of the great memories He had with you, with new memories of you, husband and family.

Do you have family that can take your children & allow you to have husband & wife time, this would work at allowing you to have Adult time, dating, being intimate or otherwise, maybe thats why you sought out an affair.

There will be speed bumps along the way. Look closely at your husbands face while he sleeps for the next few nites so you can read it. This can help when your out having dinner & such . He will have flashes of you & OM in the restaurant your dining in, If you can read that you can ease his mind. Also don't take him where you & OM have gone. Find new places to build new memories. Start over on your relationship with him, Keep it fresh & have some fun.

The fact that he's interesed says a lot about where you can go, if you give it a chance. Some men would have packed you up & moved you out. Some would have been violent and harmed you ,OM and in some cases the Children. So when your feeling down remember IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. You might also consider that your OM could have killed you by giving you an STD, people rushing into affairs seldom run to the clinic to checked for cooties, not really a romance moment.

SO Get tested, count yourself Lucky everyday that Your Alive, Your kids love you & your husband is still there. Remember being there is 90%

Best of luck

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes the need to know the details - and I mean every single one - is a way for the BS to 'own' those details. The secrets between you and OM are no longer sacred if you lay them out and dissect them with your H. He wants to make sure that there is nothing that the OM can say that he has that the H doesn't. By having those details, he in effect is assuring himself that there is nothing you can hold sacred or dear. The secrets become ugly naked facts to be met with revulsion and disgust. He wants you to regret every second, and if he hears you giving up those times with tears and regret, he will feel better in a sense.

 

It won't make him feel great to hear it, but at the very least he can think to himself "see OM? My wife thinks you are sh*t and is throwing you under the bus".

 

I had the same need for details the one time I got cheated on. I wanted him to declare her a mistake, call her a whore, regret what he did - I wanted every single detail to have some sort of negative meaning attached to it. I wanted to make sure that there was not a single stone left unturned. Nothing for him to think back on fondly. No memory of her that could be said to be positive.

 

In hindsight a few years later, I can look back and see that logically that doesn't work, but it does satisfy a primal need to emotionally piss on your territory and reclaim it.

[Lizzie60]

Honesty is NOT always the best policy. (you proved my point here)

 

See.. if you had kept it to yourself.. (let's say it WAS a mistake and you had no intention to ever do it again).. you wouldn't be in such a mess.

 

You both would be happy and nothing would be changed.. BUT

 

NOW.. I'm afraid you totally destroyed your relationship.... It will take him forever, IF he ever get over it.. to forgive you and forget about it.

 

If I were you.. I would have a 'serious' talk with him and tell him that for ONCE AND FOR ALL.. you don't want to hear anymore about it.. otherwise you're out of there.. period.

 

You cannot live like that.. if he can't forgive you.. then you need to move on..for YOUR sake.

 

Good luck!

[AnthonyF]

Honesty is NOT always the best policy. (you proved my point here)

 

See.. if you had kept it to yourself.. (let's say it WAS a mistake and you had no intention to ever do it again).. you wouldn't be in such a mess.

 

You both would be happy and nothing would be changed.. BUT

 

NOW.. I'm afraid you totally destroyed your relationship.... It will take him forever, IF he ever get over it.. to forgive you and forget about it.

 

If I were you.. I would have a 'serious' talk with him and tell him that for ONCE AND FOR ALL.. you don't want to hear anymore about it.. otherwise you're out of there.. period.

 

You cannot live like that.. if he can't forgive you.. then you need to move on..for YOUR sake.

 

Good luck!

 

Again back to the "to tell or not to tell"..... And I agree if it really was over and it would not happen again, then the best thing to do is shut up and never say a word. Throw yourself in to the marriage. If it is multiple times or you can't help yourself it will eventually come out and you are in the exact same position.

 

I'd rather not know, because if I did, I too would want to know everything and beat myself up to no end.

 

Luckily (or at least no one has told me) I am oblivious to this point....