whitecat Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 sad dude, thank you for the words. thats what is keeping me up now. i wish all guys were like you! today im feeling better, im doing thing that i didnt before do, everyone is telling me how pretty i look, etc. It would be better if i werent as guilty with what i did. I sent very heart felt emails to him and her, however im not sure if they worked it out. my friends tell me to not feel soo bad, as its not like i murdered someone. however it hits me hard, how do you cope when in your mind everything comes to you, the thought of seeing him with someone else, etc? ive tried ipod, games, friends, work, etc. what do you do, to push off the images of the other person? sad dude, again i wish all guys were like you!
Author sad_dude Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Ah Adamt, you have done so well sir! keep it up as long as you can, she will contact you trust me, she's just giving things a chance to settle ... plus annoyingly woman are more patient than men in these matters! damn their patiences!!! My ex text me last night saying some really nice things and ending with I miss you soo much ....
Author sad_dude Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 I want to run something past you whitecat, You should never be dependant on one person, you should be able to be happy by yourself, the person you are with should be an addition to your life, not your life. I suggest you get on with your life, meet other people, trust me make some new friends, spend time with others.
bluesky123 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Sad Dude.... You think the dumpers usually call back. Myslef and my ex left on good terms. She was the dumper the phone call was very tearful, we last talked two weeks ago via email. Basicaly she says she loves me but needs to find out what she wants in life, I called her as soon as I got the email she never picked up or returned my call. Do you thing that is a sign that she will not contact me. I 've been NC for two weeks now and it will be a month apart tomorrow. I want to email her asking if I will ever have a chance but I dont want to beg. What do you think ?
Author sad_dude Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Hey bluesky123, It's not always the case, but on the 2 occassions i've been dumped i've been called back by sticking to NC.... Hardly conclusive, but in my mind set I would say 100% yes they will call back. Flip side (which ive been on as well) the dumpee will have self doubt, miss that person terribly and feel sad for hurting them. I never contact old ex's as it's not indicitive of a healthy mind set for myself. However, from what i've seen in life so far, ppl that have done the dumping phycologically feel guilt and they tend to eventually text/ring/email... As for your situation, I can give advice as to what i would do, you can then decide whether to take it or not. I personally wouldn;t email back just yet, and wait maybe 1 -2 weeks. She sounds confused, but if everytime she emails to say I love you, I miss you and you go runnig to her, it shows to her she can have you whenever she wants. It de-values you as a commodity. Now I am pretty sure she isn't actively thinking these things, it's in the subconscious. The best thing i personally think you can do is to allow her time to see what she wants in life. It's not very fair for you to hang around (as much as you may want to) because if she never comes back to you then you have wasted alot of time. That's not fun and it'll hurt! To summarise becase i've waffled a bit: I think at least give it a minimum of 2 more weeks (1month in total of no contact) when you do speak to her next she will be worried about things, if you go from hi how's it going to 100mph is there any chance of getting back together she will freak out! and you'll push her away. In business there is a techinque called push and pull, the more you try and pull someone towards you they will push harder away from you. To win someone over in business and in life, you must never pull to hard and generally push away a bit more. I can't guarentee anything in life, but i would be confident she would contact you within the next month to at least see how you are doing, unless she really isn't a nice person, or is having serious issues with her mental state. Lets say she has neither of these issues, the more you leave her alone she will think "i wonder how he is doing today", "I wonder if he is thinking about me", "I wonder if he cares", "why hasn't he rung me, emailed me". This is usually when the selective good memories kick in, in my opinion the dumpee gets these memories alot earlier than the dumpee, but when the dumpee starts to get them they will ring and want to chat to make themselves feel better. it's whether you want to talk to them or not at that poin that is the question, I'm not sure what your short/long term goals are: Are you willing to let her go and see if at a later date you can spark it back it are you depserate to get her back? Or do you just want closure.... i.e. are we going to get back together or not?
bluesky123 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Thanks Sad Due for advice, I will continue to follow NC. What worries me the most is that I first sent out an email she replied, following that I called her immediately when I got her email. She never answered or bothered to call back, do you think that was her hint to me to leave her alone. She is a strong woman , so I guess the ball is in her court ? I dont know what I want from her, I'd like to talk to her, one day we were fine they next we stopped talking. Could someone just stop thinking about there s/o and kick them out of their lives ?
Author sad_dude Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 No probs bluesky123, The choice is yours but i suppose don't live with regrets. If NC is what you know you want to do you should. As for your question, an email is less confrontation, you can have time to think and construct a response. I would think she didn't answer your call, because she wouldn't know what to say. I would suggest that when she is ready to return you call she will do, having you being desperate and needy around her will only cloud her own judgement. It really sounds like you need to speak to her soonish to get closure. She wouldnt have stopped thinking about you, i'm sure of that. It's just different people deal with things in their own way. Maybe she thinks it's helping both of you by not having contact for a while. No one is that cold hearted and even if you have not been together that long or are broken up there is a bond there. Things will remind her of you just as they do you. When that builds up for her until it is unbareable she will return your call. however if you speak to her, it hits the reset button on her clock and you end up starting from square 1. It really truely is up to you how you deal with this, I can sit here and say all this stuff, but i've been in the situation before and it's so easy to crack so don't be hard on yourself. All I can say is she is thinking of you some of the time and the bad memories in her head are become more distant and the selective good memories are coming to the front of her mind. This is all in your favour.
bluesky123 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Hey Sad Dude, Thanks for advice , I will continue to follow NC. I love her to death but I feel as though I cannot contact her because I didnt nothing wrong. It was her asking for space to find out what she wants out of life. It kills me inside but that's what Im going to do. I went out last night to a backyard BBQ chatted up some cute ladies but I feel guilty/it doesnt feel the same. ARggggggggggggg
Author sad_dude Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Hey Bluesky123, All I can say is do it!! I was in the situation of waiting for my ex to sort herself out when i found out she was off speed dating, meeting new guys a few weeks after we broke up! whilst she never once told me, she was telling me she still loved me and needed to sort herself out and was confused. Now I'm not bitter, life is all about lessons. I move on, now she is deperate to meet me, get back together etc... it's all about trust for me or the lack of it from her side because she did the i want space/i'm confused is not good enough in my book. now you love her so it'll be tough to break that link.... but all i'm saying is be careful, before you know it you could be on the wrong side of something getting really badly hurt. I'm off out to meet some new lovely ladies tonight.... all i'll say is you've done nothing wrong and meeting new girls is good, you shouldn't feel gulity. you should be glad youve still got it!!! let me know how you do old chap
Sbrizio Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Hi Sad Dude, hi everyone, it's encouraging to find this post. I'm day 4 of NC, and every minute it's a fight. I still love her deeply, and she broke-up, so i'm not calling her, but i'm dying inside. It's relieving to see that you can grow stronger as time goes by. Thanks for your examples.
adamt Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Well been NC since 23rd may apart from 1 text each since early june and nearly 2 months since she wanted a break. ("Time to think") Still difficult trying not to call because you think 1 call with fix everything. Hard to understand that after 3 years someone can just walk away and appear to forget about you. it hurts to think that someone would rather be alone than with me. makes me wonder how long she had been unhapppy. I feel frustration that she never talked about issues she had in the early stage and see if we could fix them. Returned from a weekend away with some friends in a big cottage. I found the mornings hard because i couldnt help but think the ex would have liked spending the weekend in a cottage. still at that stage where lots of things remind me of the ex. I had trouble getting motivated in the mornings but once up i was ok. still get that feeling of why me and frustration that she never gave us a chance to work things out. everything seemed spot on with us both having similar ideas and background. people keep telling me they cant believe we split up as we seemed a good couple. managed to drink lots. saturday was a 2pm start and 2am finish. I wasnt tempted to call her after some beer so i was pleased. funny thing was once i was on my 3rd pint the knotted stomach went and i got more relaxed. I thought about her less as the night went a long. felt more confident in myself. Played a round of golf, i wasnt very good but really enjoyed it so we are planning to do that more often. Still not unfriended her on facebook, she doesnt post much but probably to i think i should take her off. will it look a bit childish though. i've not posted on facebook for a few weeks so it doesnt look like i am ever on there. tempted to text her a quick hello in a month but then my head tells me to be strong and keep NC. Longer i go NC the more i would feel i let myself down if i broke it. Also i would be worried what response i would get if i got one.
Author sad_dude Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Hi Sbrizio, i'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, but yes you are right, you can get stronger with time. It'll be tough, it's a shame usually the dumpee to spare their partners feelings and their own will be very defensive and not give closure. All I can say my friend is hang in there. I suggest eventually you try and get closure. Here comes a grim example, but many people will see their dead loved on, parent, wife child etc... this gives them closure mentally in their head, a chance to move on. The people that can't bare to see some thing like that tend to suffer for longer and it takes the much longer to get over things. I suspect that if you can get closure and an understanding these feelings will subside for you far quicker than you first thought. good luck let me know how you get on.
Author sad_dude Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Hey Adamt, I'm pretty sure, infact 100% sure that she does think about you and cares for you. Don't feel bad about that. Whatever her choices are for breaking up, you can't think she will forget about you after 3 years. It is a tough stage to get past thinking about your ex enjoying x,y and Z with you. I'm suprised I got over that stage really quickly, I think I just forced myself through it and though to myself I should be happy to do things on my own. Good to know booze didn't make you want to do anything crazy well done It might look childish to her, but it might also help you in your getting over her process, not to have pics of you and her about etc... Adamt all i can say is you're doing soo amazingly well lesser men would have cracked... take solace from that.
adamt Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Yeah, she is quite head strong and unlikely to go back on a big decision like this. So i know she would have thought the break up through fully. when she wanted a break, she wasnt sure if she was doign the right thing. but i told her to do whats best for herself. because i wanted her to stay out of her own choice. on breaking up i told her i didnt hold any grudges because i only want her to get back intouch if she wants to make it work and not because she felt guilty. i said think back to the good time pre xmas and she said maybe somethign good will come out of all this. she lost her mom recently and is concerned about her dad so her emotions are all over the place and probably not a position to tr to get a relationship to work.but i cant wait about for her to decide when she is ready for a relationship and if it is with me. On breaking up she knows how i feel so by contacting her will not change it. it has to come from her wanting to come back, without any pressure from me. in the end she might have been having doubts in the back of her mind and losing her mom brought the feelings out. So possibly splitting up now without that house we were going to buy might be a better thing.
I_Wonder Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 my best friend's bf broke up with her while she was pregnant. he went and got a new gf and everything. after a while he realized that the new girl was not what he wanted. he even said that NC helped him realize how much he wanted my best friend back. it took several months but eventually he came back and they have been together for almost 2 years since then. I have heard the same thing with a couple of different couples. stick to NC because it shows you're strong and it helps you clear your head and work on yourself. sometimes all people need is space and time to realize how good they had it and how good their ex was. sticking to NC helps them think clearly and realize a few things. i'm not saying they always come back ( mine hasn't...yet) but NC really helps everyone.
adamt Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Looking back I think in most cases when someone asks for a break all they are doing is seeing if they can cope away from you. Which they usually do. I mean they wouldnt want the break in the first case. obviously there are occassions when the circumstances are messy and a break will work
adamt Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 my best friend's bf broke up with her while she was pregnant. he went and got a new gf and everything. after a while he realized that the new girl was not what he wanted. he even said that NC helped him realize how much he wanted my best friend back. it took several months but eventually he came back and they have been together for almost 2 years since then. I have heard the same thing with a couple of different couples. stick to NC because it shows you're strong and it helps you clear your head and work on yourself. sometimes all people need is space and time to realize how good they had it and how good their ex was. sticking to NC helps them think clearly and realize a few things. i'm not saying they always come back ( mine hasn't...yet) but NC really helps everyone. Yeah 5 weeks down the line my head is clearer. I can see where things were going wrong. just a pity she kepts things bottled up rather than talk about things at an early stage so it could be nipped in the bud. I think it could be sorted out but that would be only true if the ex deep down had similar feelings as me. But i think thats not goign to happen. I'm working on myself, going to the gym and keeping my weekends busy. Before i met my ex i was single for quite a while and didnt have a problem being single. So need to get back to that stage. NC has also helped me to reflect on things i will change in my next relationship.
Exit Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 just a pity she kepts things bottled up rather than talk about things at an early stage so it could be nipped in the bud. Yup... I know how that feels. Since the breakup I've told my ex "you realize there's nothing I wouldn't have done for you if you had just asked? Instead of telling me we're breaking up you could have told me what needed to change and I would have done it in a heartbeat". I hate that she's the one who failed to communicate but I'm the one who feels like I failed.
adamt Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 the ex said after we broke up i need to be more open, maybe so but she wouldnt open up when i asked about things. and last few months she was starting to shut me out and go distant. One example she had to spend the night in hospital. i spent 14 hours there on the first day with her(she said at the time i could just go home and come back later but i wanted to stay). i went home and next day she called her dad to get her rather than me. he had to drive about 60 miles to get there. then later on she complained that i wasnt there to pick her up. She didnt know why she never called me first. its a no win situation sometimes.
Author sad_dude Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 hey guys! I did something very empowering a few days ago. My ex had been contacting me recently, saying she missed and loved me asking if I was ok, she said she had felt so bad for hurting me and she did care so much still. I had thought i would continue with the No Contact, that would show her right?! Wrong ... the more i thought about it, the more I thought as much as I didn't want to be her friend or start dating as she had suggested. I didnt want want to let, what i can openly admit to being one of the worse experiences of my life bitter me. I couldn't see justify being out of character with myself. I then thought to harber such bad feelings for someone is not right, especially when I don't feel these feelings anymore. I broke my NC and replied something along the following: "I do not judge you for what has happened, and I forgive you. If you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself for the pain you caused me please do, and also for any pain i caused you i apologies. I wish you every happiness and success in the future." I wrote a little more that is personal to both of us and after sending it deleted it. I felt empowered happy and glad that I didn't rise to the fighting and anger when i wanted to and now i can forgive and forget I felt so calm and relaxed, as though i had been the bigger and better person.
Exit Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Good job sad dude. I've also made a lot of effort to not give into the bitterness and anger. I think you are a good example of NC being broken in a good way, sometimes being cold and ignoring the other person just isn't right.
bluesky123 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Wow ! You don't want her back, I think of this sometimes what if she came back. The idea sounds great but if you take a step back all of our s/o hurt us so badly why would we want them back ?
Author sad_dude Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 thanks guys, Bluesky, my point was the same exactly, it wasn't the hurt that would have bothered me. I learnt about myself ... I learned that I need trust and loyality. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to take them back. You can forgive, forget and smile about the goodtimes. You should always be in control of yourself and not be emotionally manpiulated, it will make future relationships stronger and more successful. We all live and learn, I have learned some important lessons..... the one with which i will leave you with as i head off to bed is: You should never rely on anyone person to make you happy, each person has something amazing going for them. never put yourself down and blame yourself, learn from your mistakes become a stronger better person. Believe in yourself and your ability. YOU can survive on your own and be happy. Don't frown about what happened and blame your circumstances, go make your own circumstances if you are not happy, be the best person you can be and i truly believe that the world will be at your feet. goodbye for now
adamt Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Good on you sad_dude. How long is it since you split up? I am on about week 5 and feeling a lot better. Getting into the gym, need some new jeans as i have lost weight around the waist. More confidence is coming back. Off to glasgow for the weekend to meet up with an old mate, got a lads night out back home the following week, then off to my sisters. Basically organising weekend away all over the place. Starting to get back in the routine of being single again. just far too busy to think about the ex. its amazing how far i have come in last few weeks.
adamt Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Right i've gone and done it. took her off my facebook. didnt bother sending her a message why i was doing it. I feel like crap after cos now i know it is finally over. Last straw was seeing her status getting updating suggesting she is going to have lazer eye surgery. I've realised she is going through a life change after her mom got ill and passed away, she has lost weight,getting her eye sight done,had an ear operation,changed her wardrobe with less baggy clothes.she is probably coming out of her shell. she is looking hotter. I guess her moms death has made her get her life in order and change things which in the back of her mind she wanted to do. i realise it wasnt particularly me that caused the split but just her changing and not wanting me to come along for the ride. I would hate to think i was holding her back, i was never one to stop someone from doing what they want. I know in the long run it will do me more good but didnt expect defriending her would have an impact after. Time to move on now. no more sneaky looks at her facebook.
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