want her back so much!

[adamt]

sad_dude,

 

I spent the weekend at my sisters and let her suffer with my thoughts. She is obviously on my side and so tried to paint a bad picture of the ex. she said even if you got back together, she might walk away when the going gets tough.

 

I think my ex was a bit mardy at times and wanting to get her way more than being equal with decisions. Possible happened more around the 2 years mark. Apart from me she hasnt been out with anyone for more than 2 years and when we hit the 2 year mark she pointed this out as a big thing.

 

We came to the conclusion she is quite transient.She makes friends easily but then once she moves on she loses touch with them and gets a new set of friends. She is 36 and could end up on her own when she is 40 if she keeps acting like she is 26. she wanted to get a house together(she instigated it) but probably when push came to shove she wouldnt have done it. She seems to like her independence too much too. I think my sister has tried to make it out she is a bit selfish and better to have finished now rather than 6 months later after buying a house.

 

She isnt the same girl i started going out with and changed quite a bit in last 6 months. she was a homely girl who didnt do late nights,liked the cinema,sitting in with wine,home cooking ..etc it was never a problem. then last few months she started going out more and having late nights and its like she wants to live her 20s again and want to just be responsible for herself. she said she isnt interested in a relationship with anyone at the moment(i suppose they all say that after a breeak up)

 

Basically, although i would want her back. She would have to prove she really wants it to work. But as it looks i cant see her coming back. She might be just going through a phase of wanting to do things after her mom died but I aint going to wait around.

 

I cried for a short time on the long drive back from my sisters but held things together all weekend. I guess it just builds up sometimes when things remind you of your ex.

[sad_dude]

Hi Crew,

 

Great to hear you are sticking to your guns and not going to take him back at least I think people that do get bored in relationship are generally the problem, they need to realise in life and relationships there will be so called boring spells. Those couples that have been together for 50-60 years and are still going strong have all had it! The people that walk away or become disinterested are not worth your time. Trust me they are wasting your time until they find something else to excite them, rather pathetic really!

 

Don't worry Crew you sound like a really lovely girl thats just been hurt by someone that really hasnt appreciated what he's missing out on till it was gone. To not speak to the person you really care and love for is tough. I hope your holiday will help you. Just think there is light at the end of the tunnel and this will only make you stronger as a person. Let us know how your hols goes take care and good luck to you too

[sad_dude]

Hey Adamt,

Spot on man, your sister is so right it’s untrue! You maybe want her back but lets move forward and say you’ve been back together for a month, the whole dynamic of your relationship has changed, the constant self-doubt in her, your relationship probably even you thinking if you can make her happy. Would you not prefer to have a clean slate with another woman?

Again as my previous point to Crew, it’s really sad some people can be so into you and then get bored, this usually shows like my ex that she really doesn’t know what she wants and has some serious issues, sure all relationships have issues, but do you want to be with someone that wouldn’t give you a chance when you clearly would have done anything for her!

One way to really ever get her back in my opinion, worked with my last ex, was to go for no contact and actually try and move on, I admit I wasn’t over her when she said she had made a mistake but deep down i knew i didn’t want to go there again.

One other thing I just wanna say is don’t make excuses for her, she has made her choices, i think you need to concentrate on sorting yourself out, when you love someone soo much it’s so hard to cope with that rejection and pain. Get support from friends and family as much as you need, but at some point you need to accept and let it go otherwise it’ll get you down way to much. Don’t worry too much about the crying man, you will be cool as long as you keep your head held up high and try fighting through the tough times.

[adamt]

yeah, i think seeing her mom ill and losing her has made her want to get out there and live life to the full. Doesnt want a boyfriend getting in the way(she has a busy job and goes to the gym a lot now). She wants to be single(she doesnt sleep around though) and have no one to consider. I was probably holding her back. she changed a lot from the girl i first went out. Both people should change in a relationship as it grows but i think in this case i couldnt get close to her to change with her. I expect her to be like this for a year or so but then as she approaches her late 30s she will probably go back to herself and start thinking it is about time to settle down. Losing a parent can suddenly give you a different perspective on life when you have just been plodding along and comfortable.

 

i cant see us getting back together. even if we did it would be a while down the line i think, if she gets this all out of her system. but then would it be in the back of my mind that she could walk away at anytime. would i become insecure and wonder who she is texting,emailing or going to see. We had a very trusting relationship and i am a great believer in not getting jealous. You cant watch someone 24hours a day and if they want to leave they will whatever. Not sure if i would have that full trust again

 

it hurts that someone can just toss you aside, just like chucking litter out of a car. But I can understand whats she is doing. I'm sure down the line we will be friends at some point.

 

i still love her but i will let her go as i dont want to see her unhappy.

 

Thankfully we never did get that house this year, how would things have been if we got married and her mom was ill later down the line. I feel that i probably could not have done enough earlier in the relationship to stop her from leaving under the circumstances. Things were going along fine up until january. yes i could have done things better but nothing that would but the relationship at risk.We live in different towns but planned to live together. that probably didnt help.

 

She did say during a break she missed me and thought of me but seemed to change her mind once we met up 2 weeks later. I guess she just doesnt have the time,emotional effort and motivation to try to make it work. in the end she said she didnt want a boyfriend at the moment and wasnt fair to keep me waiting around. But i do realise that could be just an excuse.

 

I think the best thing to do is just come to terms that there was very little i could have done to change things. Just accept it as fate or how it is meant to be and realise the situation could have been worse further down the line. and begin to move on and keep yourself busy.

 

So many questions i want to ask but i have come to terms that they will never be answered and if they are then more questions appear. its not like there is one magic answer that would have fixed it.

 

Things are improving had two days where i havent been as down and havent had a little cry. just got to keep myself busy so i dont miss her in the gaps in time

[sad_dude]

Hi Adamt,

1) yeh I suppose there alot of factors that made her leave, some of which you have highlighted, there maybe more that she will only know and you will not, accpeting that is tough, but the best way to move on.

2) you say she "doesnt sleep about", "you understand" etc... I am not saying she does sleep about or that you don't understand her motives, but what i do think is you shouldn't make excuses for her. it's time to focus on yourself and be selfish. you sound like the type of chap that would have done anything for your lady. but I truely its time to focus on yourself. you deserve to be happy and you need to get your mindset there i think.

3) You know what, i felt the same as you, i felt like a piece of rubbish that had be chucked away, but if you think of yourself as that piece of litter, you will believe you are it, the faster you realise you aren't and you deserve better and demand better from your partners in future you will start feeling better about yourself.

4)Yeh you can't stop loving someone when you want to, give it time, like you said keeping busy helps you forget, you know what works for you keep it up

5) I do believe she will be and has missed you, she probably does love you at some level, but that level of love isn't enough for her right now

6) I know it's easier said than done, especially if you still love her but it's good you are trying to come to terms with this. I just want to say you do deserve better, you will miss her but just remember that you could give so much to someone and them back to you and you both be so much happier.

I'm really pleased the last few days have been better for you man, all i can emphasise is get out there, do things you want to do, you do have value and worth, drill that into yourself. I have been learning how to play golf recently really challenging and outdoor sport i love it out there now (though i'm really bad at it)

not sure if you have something you can focus on or somethign you really wanted to do, just go do it, run a marathon do some charity work be the guy every girl would be amazed by!

Good luck man, drop me a msg to let me know how you are getting on, our stories are very similar and 2months on i'm very happy, stable and stronger than I was before. ofcourse i think about her and still love her, but life is such that we must be our best selves and demand the best from ourselves and others!

[adamt]

good to read your reply sad_dude, certainly helps.

 

got all my weekend filled for next 5 weeks catching up with old friends that i didnt have a chance to see for a while. managed to get myself invited to a mates weekend away in the country drinking beer. i think keeping my weekends busy is key, something to look forward to each week.

 

this is my 2nd week at the gym and seen improvement already in my fitness. So thats a positive thing to focus on.

 

Still waking up at 5:30am, i suppose my body has got into that routine now with the light mornings. although surprisingly it isnt making me more tired in the day.

 

had one or two sad moments thinking why it had to be me it got messed up for. but i didnt break down. i still think about her most of the time. slowly getting more focused on my job.

 

yeah golf is quite appealing, i may contact some friends to see if i can have a game with them.

 

in a few months i think i will book myself an activity holiday far away and get away from everything for 3 weeks. perhaps somewhere in the far east.

 

I've definately learnt a lot about myself and being in a relationship in the last few weeks.

 

Sometimes i feel like emailing her but my head tells me not to and i resist. I know it will not do any good because i will be waiting for an email or i may get the response i dont want to read. if she wants to get intouch then she can get hold of me

 

basically, to anyone out there going through a similar break up, no matter how unmotivated you feel you have to get out and about do stuff to fill your time. you dont have to be good at it but it wil make you feel better and something to focus on. sat at home too much wont help

[adamt]

The urge this morning to send her a text or email is so overwhelming.even just to say hi how things and thinking of you. its like it would be a huge release. however my head knows that it wont do any good. and if she wants to contact me she knows how to. woke up this morning with lots thoughts about how the relationship can be fixed i can see where it was goign wrong but deep down i know it can't be fixed. i feel i just want to give the relationship one more shot but in reality it wont happen. Ended up thinking about the good times we had and want to try to get back to that. I know by contacting her will just push her away further.. it's just so hard not to want to attempt to persuade her to give it a try. feeling how can anyone chuck away 3 years just like that and move on and not look back. she even sent me an email saying she was missing me inbetween a break and splitting up

 

I remembered something this morning. about 18 months ago we bumped into one of her ex's in a bar. she went to speak to him and told me it was an ex and she was much happier they can finally be friends after 5 years. she said it was the first time they had spoke since the split because he took the break up badly. i never thought i would in a similar position now.

 

I've realised she chops and changes friends easily when her circumstances change.she adapts and finds new friends easily and moves on quickly. broke up with boyfriends similarly such as when she has moved area. its kind of she has a boyfriend for that moment in time when she is having a type of social life. her social circle has changed again and i'm realising i'm not part of it. she is 36 and at some point she will have to decide it is time to settle down.

 

 

I'm sure i will feel better a bit later on in the day.

 

anyway enough of my ramblings and thinking aloud

[sad_dude]

Hi Adamt,

ah wow, beer drinking in the country, that sounds awesome!It is awesome to have things to look forward to, i'm off to do some crazy things for the next 5-6 weeks so i know i won't have time to think about anyone that doesn't deserve my attention. plus being at the gym working out is a bonus, getting healthy will mean you are pumping loads of the right hormones through your body like adrenaline. Ever heard of runners high? .... it's what alot of long distance runners get from that pumping of adrenaline, they stop running say after an hour or 2 and they feel amazing the rest of the day. Trust me it works!

 

Ah the early mornings, I remember those, not pleasant, i'm not sure how i got rid of those, I think it was a combination of working alot, hour minimum and staying up an hour later than i generally would do, by the 3rd/4th day of doing this i was struggling to get up on time to go to work, but before i got to that stage man i tell you I would wake up several times in the night at then around 5ish and sit there thinking whats going on? why me? why would someone who claimed to love me, want my kids, houses etc... leave me!! -- I was soon to snap out of that.

I would really say the longer you can withstand not contacting her the better, but you are your own man, you shouldn't have to answer to anyone, you should answer to yourself only!

If you feel as part of the getting over her process you need to have it out with her, tell her she was out of order for throwing 3 years away do it!!! On the other hand if you think after doing that it will make you feel even worse dont even think about it. You know yourself better than anyone, and you DO know how she will react as well. I decided in the end I needed to have it out with my ex, tell her how i felt, that was the most amazing release for me, I am not proud of some of the things i said to her, but over the course of 2 days we sorted out all our differences, now the only reason i don't want to speak to her is because we both need to focus on moving on with our lives and the constant reminder of speaking to each other is counter productive. She wants to really be friends and talk to me all the time, i've ignored her a fair amount but the other day after 2-3 days of messages i emailed her to say all is well but we need more time apart, she did agree and i feel as though this time she understood why i was saying these things.

You know you get those old memory flash backs and then you start thinking about things, i know exactly what that feels like, it can get you down. What i do when that used to happen to me alot in the first month is start thinking about something new i was doing or wanting to do. How I was going to hit the ball of the tee at the driving range, fantanise about the car I would get when I was rich! lol just things that made me happy and it really helped.

Chuck yourself into your work! I just found out last week I have have been given a promotion! Crazy or what, I worked seriously hard for the last couple of months to take things off my mind and it's really reaped some great benefits.

Dude one thing that hurt me was how quickly my ex moved on:

1) i think some ppl can compartmentalise their heads, you sound like me - you were your heart on your sleeve and are emotional (not a bad thing to be emotional - just need to know when to use the emotions to your advantage and when to be logical like you are now) so because she can put you in a box in the back of her head and not think about you doesn't mean later on down the line it's not going to mess her up, it's just sad for her. you have nothing to be ashamed about, you loved her amazingly well it sounds like, she is missing out on you, the great amazing guy that you are!!! think of it like that. take her off that pedastall, and you get up there, should she ever want to contact you she has to work her ass to get up to your level.

2) think of yourself as a winner, people that win sports things, are the millionaires, all have knock backs but in the grand scheme of things they always win they always end up with that trophy or that beautiful wife and loads of money! but do you think they have easy lives do you think their girlfriends and wives don't leave them.

This is a true story - I work for a major company in the UK, with what I believe to be some of the most talented people in making money and delievering projects on time. I met my boss at the time 4 years ago when i first joined the company as a young graduate, he was just off to get married. This guy was powerful, comanded budgets that others only dreamt of commanded thousands of people underneath him. I was depserate to learn everything I could off him I mean wow at the age of 35 he was in an amazing position. He came back from getting married to his lovely wife but only 2 months later (after being together for 15 years she left him) this manager of mine didn't bat an eyelid, I was amazed, he not once felt sorry for himself, the value he had for himself was immense. He said if she doesn't want to be with me and couldn't communicate this with me before we broke up, she doesn't deserve me.It was amazing how he had turned being dumped and divorced into SHE DOESNT DESERVE ME WITH HER BEHAVIOUR, that is a winning mentality (if not a bit arrogant, but i liked it)

After 15 years i thought to myself wow if that was me i probably would have gone crazy not come into work, cried my eyes out for weeks on end, god knows what. I really wouldn't have known what to have done. The guy just valued himself higher than all the BS that she was trying on him.

I work with him alot and whilst i was still with my ex me and him used to work away a fair amount and he said to me one evening, his mentality has always to win, but whenever he has failed he has learned from his mistakes and tried even harder to win. The failure spurred him on, he said he loved his wife, and there were many traits of hers he would need in the next woman he married! BUT now he had honed in even more in what he had wanted, he wasn't bitter at her infact he would keep contact with his ex wife and not have any malice towards her whatsoever!

The reason I wanted to say that story to you is, not everyone is the same, and i'm sure he went thru some low points, but the overall attitude is one i've adopted, don't know if it will work for you, but it's really working wonders for me. I know I might only be young but i feel under him I have matured amazingly over the last 3-4 years! Also, my boss hitting 40 is now dating a stunning 29 year old, she really loves him and can't get enough of him, he says he's happier with her than his ex wife and his ex wife is very happy too, so everyone is happy and not once did he worry about his age, he just knew what he wanted and went and got it.

i've really rambled on for ages now but i'm very passionate about helping guys that have been through the same thing as me and showing them that with the right attitude in the grand scheme of things this is merely a blip in life.

if you ever feel like emailing her, just drop us a message here, not sure if you can send Private messages on this board, but if you feel as though you would like to contact on a private email then please do so, one of my best girly mates told me to ring her each and everytime i felt like ringing/texting/emailing my ex. I didn't hold her to it, but i would ring her of an evening when i did feel a bit lonely. so please drop me a mail whenever, i'm sure it'll take you 1-2 months to get back to your old self

Take it easy man,

all the best

[adamt]

hi sad_dude, keep the posts coming. certainly helps.

 

felt i had a bad day today. parents came to visit and we spent all day in museums. i got bored and my mind started to drift back to the ex. going back over things i could have done differently. thinking she would have been with me in the museum. i got home and ended up checking her profile on facebook. not much goes on there apart from a status update once a day or so and old photos of where we have been together on holiday. I feel better tonight though. but i think i will have to block her this week on facebook. i dont want to come across like an imature teenager but i think it will help me to get over her. i might feel better for doing it. she will still have my email and mobile should she want to contact me. i need to be over her by mid august because we used to go to football games together and i just know i will bump into her sometime at a game.

[sad_dude]

Hi Adamt,

 

you are doing really well though if you think about it, not to contact her, a lesser man would have cracked on numerous occassions! Trust me when i say - WELL DONE!

 

Those thoughts will not go away for a while, but when they do you will start to know you are getting over her. I suppose as everyone is saying it takes time!

 

Blocking from facebook is a big decision, I did it because I didn't want to find out things that would annoy me i.e. pics with new guys, maybe only friends but that would annoy me. I felt I had to do it as part of the cleansing process. And it helped me alot. It kinda back fired in a sense because i think that fear of loss of friendship from my ex actually made her think she wanted to get back with me and started ringing me loads begging me to talk to her. I made my choice, and then sorted it out and said too many things had changed, she accepted it and we both moved on.

 

have you thought about dating again?

[adamt]

had a better day today. saturday was a bad day. no more boring museums for a while i think. today my parents went out for a few hours so gave me some space to chill out. later on they went home. then i went and hammered it at the gym. getting worn out at the gym helps as it stops you getting restless. bought loads of healthy food like veg and fruit so thats goign to make me feel better. today is the best i have felt on a weekend. everytime she comes into my mind and think why it went pearshaped i just think of what i will be doing over the next few weekends.

at the gym i started to check out women, nothing perverted, just thinking she looks nice.etc decided i will join a good dating website in london in 2 months. just do it for the experience if nothing else.i'm in my late 30s so not as simple as going down the pub/club. that is my aim to be ready for that in 2 months and leaner.

 

My parents were a bit concerned for me yesterday as they say i am normally a bubbly outgoign person. But today I reassured them i am better today and i will have good and bad days.

 

Looking forward to next weekend away in the countryside with a few lads drinking lots of beer. Although i dont want to get in the habit of drinking because i dont think it will heal you.

 

I seem to be enjoying my own space tonight and chilling out. so thats a good sign as in previous weeks i've wanted company. and pre breakup i used to enjoy just chilling out on my own sometimes

[sad_dude]

Hey Adamt,

 

lol - yeh i would give those muesums a miss for a while matey

 

The gym is good man, pump those guns and get that adrenaline going. It's good you are checking out other girls, and even better you check them out in a non-perveted way. I know for a fact girls check out guys also so it's perfectly normal and like you say it was not done badly. Great sign that you are starting to see that their are other women out there for you!

 

Great plan about focusing on fun things you are going to do instead of diagnosing the relationship you will be so much better off with this method I assure you.

 

It's natural for parents to worry about you especially when you are down, but you did the right thing reassuring them.

 

I didn't drink for the first month after breaking up with my ex, booze is not the solution, you're a very strong minded, strong willed man. Remind yourself of that when you feel down. (its an amazing trait that many people don't really have) Also many women love that about a man. You just need to rebuild your confidence again. Just wondering where abouts in the country are you going? I work out of london few days a week and lots of other places in the south east too... it's pretty cool I didnt know you were from the UK, I assumed it was american football you were talking about in previous posts, what footie team do you support? I'm thinking it's the gooners!

 

Yeh it is nice to have your own space back and do your own thing, i suppose we need to remind ourselves we don't need to be validated by women! we need to only answer to ourselves.

 

ps I know you said you are late 30's but just believe in yourself, get your confidence back - i feel as though your turning a corner and eventually you won't look back ) Age shouldnt be an obsatcle, a friend of mine whose wife sadly died from cancer is 57 and he has been on online dating and has met some really nice girls and has a very serious relationship out of one and has been seeing her for about 1 year now. Good on you for being ready to move on man

[adamt]

my team in middlesbrough, i jokingly blame the split on the stress of our crap manager ;o) what a **** year 2009 has been for lots of people. atleast i am in a good job still.

 

I live in hertfordshire but still got a place up north. i've got a few properties up there so doing ok for myself which i sometimes forget. I think the LDG was a strain in the end with lots of other thing going on in her life.

 

off to the lakes for the weekend for a few drinks and to chill out with 8 other lads.

 

yeah 38 for a bloke isnt too bad, you can go for women probably 30+. I guess for women more pressure with their body clocks. My ex will start getting that pressure soon. Today my sister told me she is pregnant which is great news, but i also briefly felt sad cos that probably something i was aiming for with my ex.

 

The website i was looking to join was mysinglefriend.com. need to tap into the london bit

 

Planning to get a night out in newcastle organised at some point. going to ask round see if anyone fancies the oktober fest in munich. first stage is to just chat to girls casual, not necessarily to try to pull them

[sad_dude]

ah ok - yeh bad season! shalln't mention who i support then

 

Yeh it's awesome you can look at what you have got, sometimes things happen which force us to take stock but also maybe you'll meet someone even better, or do something amazing as a spin off. An amazing attitude to take to life tho to appreciate what you have. I've travelled in some 3rd world countries and seen some really bad things, then you realise ppl are dying of hunger and like you say here ppl are loosing jobs left right and center here.

 

Ah cool Lake District will be nice this time of year enjoy yourself matey!

Yeh its all a gradual step by step thing, back to just chatting to anyone first, even girls you don't like just to build up confidence and take it from there

Okbober fest sounds awesome, you should def oraganise loads of fun hols and fun days out, more chance in meeting cool like minded women

[adamt]

you know what i've got a sportcar in my garage upnorth that hasnt been out much since last summer. the idea was to sell it to put towards a deposit for a house this summer. bloody good job i didnt sell it after all. it sounds daft but i've virtually forgot i've got that car. i shall have to get out in it again and get the roof down.

 

The more i think about it the more i think the ex will regret splitting up with me over time. possibly when she decides to start dating. she will struggle to find someone as easy going and flexible as me that can fit in with her busy life. i bet if i got intouch with her when she is 40 there is a good chance she is still chasing some kind of dream. It will be her loss and hopefully some other lucky lady will appreciate someone like me. looking back she was very particular and fussy and likes her routines. yes i had my habits too but you work round these things. will she find someone to put up with it all? i mean i was alergic to her cats but took tablets, loved her cats and never complained. would she have done it the other way round. more i think about it the more she was becoming selfish after 2 years. maybe the honeymoon bit was coming to an end. she was a tidy and cleaning freak yet she was happy to let her cats sleep on the bed with cat hair everywhere. double standards surely?

 

we both have never lived with anybody and both independent. i was prepared to work it out and change, maybe she wasnt and didnt want to lose her independence

[adamt]

you know what i've got a sportcar in my garage upnorth that hasnt been out much since last summer. the idea was to sell it to put towards a deposit for a house this summer. bloody good job i didnt sell it after all. it sounds daft but i've virtually forgot i've got that car. i shall have to get out in it again and get the roof down.

 

The more i think about it the more i think the ex will regret splitting up with me over time. possibly when she decides to start dating. she will struggle to find someone as easy going and flexible as me that can fit in with her busy life. i bet if i got intouch with her when she is 40 there is a good chance she is still chasing some kind of dream. It will be her loss and hopefully some other lucky lady will appreciate someone like me. looking back she was very particular and fussy and likes her routines. yes i had my habits too but you work round these things. will she find someone to put up with it all? i mean i was alergic to her cats but took tablets, loved her cats and never complained. would she have done it the other way round. We went on loads of weekend breaks around europe. you know what she probably doesnt deserve me.

 

more i think about it the more she was becoming selfish after 2 years. maybe the honeymoon bit was coming to an end. she was a tidy and cleaning freak yet she was happy to let her cats sleep on the bed with cat hair everywhere. double standards surely?she was getting more stroppy and mardy.

 

we both have never lived with anybody and both independent. i was prepared to work it out and change, maybe she wasnt and didnt want to lose her independence

 

the ex before her was a bit of a serial texter and i got sick of it. she wanted me to text all the time and got jealous easy. lets hope the next one is 3rd tim elucky

[hrtbrk hotel tenant]

we all want our exes back maybe it will happen but give them space and hopefully they realize that they need u in their life.

[adamt]

we all want our exes back maybe it will happen but give them space and hopefully they realize that they need u in their life.

 

very true, my ex is goign through wanting to be just looking after herself and doing her own stuff. who knows if in 6 months the novelty wears off. yeah i would have a her back tomorrow, but my head says she would have to be 100% committed and willing to compromise just like i was prepared to. However can you fully trust them to stay with you if they have already left you once? if they left further down the line it could be messy with kids,house,marriage to contend with. if they left the 2nd time would you feel even worse for letting yourself waste a few years of your life?

[mistletoe]

honestly:( i really dont believe in couples 'taking breaks' whether for a few days, weeks, months etc. my bf and I have the happiest moments, and the saddest most quarrelsome moments ever too. we've been together for 1.5 years as well. but we disagree on 'taking breaks', that might just be the worse thing that can lead to easy temporary/permanent breakups in future. its an easy way out any disagreement for that spur of the moment, but it'll just make the relationship weaker and more awkward later on when you get back again.

 

the only thing i can say is dude, if you really love her, wait for her and try to get her back:( remain true to your promises.

[wattodo]

I think shes scared, scared that her life was change. Maybe write her a really heat felt letter, say to her that you understand that that changes may seem daunting, but your going to be with her. Maybe take her away on a make or break weekend? The same thing happened me 3 times andmy man alaways came back to me. I hope this helps. could you maybe have a look at my thread? Any advice at al is welcome. thanks x

Hey all,

 

I hate to moan, but over the last few days things have been getting to me! My friends have been trying to make me open up my heart to them, but I feel as though it's not over with my ex g/f.

 

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The story

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Myself and my ex had been 1.5 years ago, things were great and had been till 2 weeks ago. Since before last xmas she has spoken about how she would love to get married to me have kids and move in together, heck she even telling me the week before we broke up!

 

Couple of weeks ago, I noticed she was being really quiet, she had been tired from work and had a tough day, I asked her if all was ok, she said she was feeling a bit controlled in the relationship and wanted to just have a week off still as g/f and b/f but just to do some of her own stuff on the weekend, I freaked out inside and went back the next night with some flowers to chat ... bad idea she basically said she was freaking out about the whole marriage/kids/moving in together thing ... even though for the last 6 months to a year she had been persuading me! I told her not to worry we will get it sorted and a break would be good for both of us. That week I gave her space until she contacted me and even then didn’t contact till the day after. A week after we met up and she said she just needed a proper break from us. To break up at the time I was hurting inside but thought if I love her I must let her go, I simply told her I didn’t want this break up but if she wasn’t going to change her mind and work at it then we would have to do as she wished. She agreed and was crying soo much she couldn’t even breathe properly. It hurt to leave her in that state but I did. She told me at the time she loved me and would miss me, but we would be best friends forever.

 

Over the next few days we exchanged pleasantries, she always wanted to know about my day and things, it was getting tough for me. I don’t think she was trying to send any hopeful signals, she was just being caring. But I rang her a few days later and said if we can’t be together, right now I can’t be your friend, she was sad and crying but said she would not change her mind. I wished her well and decided to cut all contact. It’s now been 5 days of NC, it’s been tough as I miss her so much, but I feel as though if she misses me she might want to at least think about how much she hurt me and maybe really miss me.

 

I feel like everything was perfect, she portrayed the same, everything was great, something has triggered these feelings of uncertainty and I’m not sure what, she just says she’s confused and just wants a proper break. I guess I just want to know if she even misses me, because I haven’t stopped thinking about her.

 

Breaks can make couples stronger and this could make her know she wants me, what scares the hell out of me is that she might actually decide the decision she made was right. I will keep you all updated.

 

Any comments would be appreciated either of success or failures of getting back together with ex g/f’s or b/f’s and i’m sure there will be reality checks from others which wont be so nice to read ) but I will read and appreciate also.

 

Many thanks

 

Sad_dude

[whitecat]

sad dude,

 

you seem to get everythign great hats off to you! thats why i would like to ask you for your advise.

 

I just did something horrible to my ex and ex best friend. I sent an email as someone else to his current gf saying he was cheating on her. I know it was wrong, i acted out of anger a jealousy since i had told my ex to NC yet he kept gaving me hope saying i miss and love you and i caught his lies. i know i was wrong, i regret it since the moment i put send.

 

he confronted me and i told him the truth he kept saying how much he hated me and how much he would revenge. i am now afraid and also sad to see him hurt. i contacted his girl and explained everything, however she doesnt budge.

 

what do you recommend me, i know not to contact him but i am scared for my life, job, everything and hurt that i blew everything forever. any words of advice as i cant sleep, anxious, and so sad. thanks i hope i can move on from this.

[sad_dude]

Hi Adamt and hrtbrk hotel tennant,

 

I did have my ex want to come back to me, and I said no thank you, I told her I still loved her so dearly, but the lack of trust that was there was never going to be indictive of a good future for me. I refused to be manipulated by crying and begging. It was tough at one point becuase you can't stop loving someone so quickly and temptation for comfort, sex and happiness come pouring back.... but rule number 1 for me was no trust no relationship.

 

I do personally really believe it's great to give someone space and time to sort themselves us, but at what point do you give up and move on? 1 3,6, 12 months? when do you start to heal? For me personally there are too many variables that would be out of my control, simply too many what if's. So I believe set a limit and stick to it and that will help in the healing process.

 

just to be devils advocate, my friends broke up for 6months after 1 year relationship then got back together after a break and now are married and very happy. each person has a right to make their own choice, I made mine I will stick to it!

[sad_dude]

Hi Wattodo,

 

Yeh I did actually try to speak to her and take away, did the heart felt chat, didn't make a bit of difference, then when I said ok, time to move on have a great life, it made her fear the loss, but i wasn't saying it to get her back, I was saying it because i meant it. She got confused, i lost respect, and trust.

 

Sure i'll read your thread and advise if i can. I just try and say how i see it and through my few years of experience:)

[sad_dude]

Hi whitecat,

wow it's a tough situation....

1) everyone does things they are not proud of, it's how you deal with it is what counts

2) you need to move as far away from the situation as possible, it's the best thing you can do for all involved

3) you need to re-evaluate your life goals and try to accept it's time to move on

 

I think you should send an email/letter .. say sorry for your actions, say it wasn't out of spite but out of your love for him. Say you hope you can be friends at a later date but you will need some time to heal and be on your own.

Next thing to do is to stick to this and hope they both accept your apology.

you will be feelng really down sad and upset right now, but you can do this, you aren't alone, there are loads of ppl on this forum, your friends, use them.

Tell us what your life goals are, think about yourself what you would like to do?

Tell me more about your situation what exactly happened ... it's good to get it off your chest initially it helps with the getting over process

I await hearing from you...

[adamt]

aarrrghh the urge today is just to ring her up. not seen her on facebook chat or msn for a few weeks. is she trying to go NC too and avoiding me. dont feel emotional just more out of interest on what she has been upto and how she is feeling in general. i know though speaking to her will bring it all back.