Justanotherschmuck Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Hi. Heres a new problem I could use some good old fashioned advice. My wife is a a WANT TO walk away. Two years ago she told me she wanted a divorce. I sucked. I treated her like dog doo, in 29 years together, MAYBE, she's been happy a year or so. I reacted like so many. Cried begged. Stopped crying and begging. Threw my best "PLAN A" on her (meaning I tried to be the PERFECT husband for her for about 8 months). I hoped to get her WARMING up to me just a tiny bit.....nada. I did 180 for 6 months...again, the big fat ZERO. So after a year and a half of NOTHING. I said enough. The counseling she promised her children, me and her family was 45 minutes a week where she paid attention to our relationship and then nothing the rest of the week, going through the motions if you will. I told her I wouldn't give anything more into the relationship unless she did . I mean if she gave AN INCH. I would return the inch. A mile, same here. Well, after about 6 months of ABSOLUTELY NADA, no talking, NO interaction what so EFFEN ever, she told me this week that she would like to "open dialogue" once again. I was floored. I had given up. In my mind and heart, I was moving on, planning the rest of my FORCED future. So, as you would expect, I said yeah, lets "dialogue". I became involved again. Then this. Since I've been babbling, I'll make this latest problem as simple as possible. Its easter this weekend. Her sister, husband and 2 kids are coming in from out of state. They usually stay with us. I no longer sleep with my "wife". In the past, I usually give up "my" room to them. But, I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T sleep in the same bed as my wife. Right or wrong, I can't and wont, unless there is SOMETHING besides me hopping into bed and rolling over. Not neccesarily making love, but some kind of closeness. (But fooling around sounds mighty good right now since I haven't been allowed to TOUCH her in just about two years.) Since my wife doesn't want her sister and brother in law to feel bad, I can't sleep on the couch or ANYWHERE else I can be seen. Soooooo, I threw a sleeping bag under the dining room table and crashed there the last few times. Well, her sister came in and snagged me sleeping. She felt bad. I was making her feel bad because she felt she kicked me out of my bed. So, this time my wife wants me to sleep in her bed. BUt, even though "dialogue" has started, there will be no hanky panky, no exchange of ideas, NOTHING. Just jump in , turn around and shut up.......sorry, won't do that. My old bed meant something to me. Until the slim chance of us getting together again happens, no marital bed for me. My wife wants her sister to stay with us. But that will only happen if I sleep in HER bed. I am decently comfortable in my sleeping bag. So a disagreement led to an arguement, she spewed all her venom at me. I handled it decently well, but I refused to be a hall rug. The "talk" got around to her nauseating "friend" (toxic friend). I told her she could hang out with her, talk to her, WHATEVER. Just don't expect me to view her as ANYTHING but a "enemy to whatever is left of our marriage" . That wasn't good enough. In fact, she was down right INDIGNANT that I couldn't understand how her friends negative view of me and our relationship could possible be a POSITIVE in our lives right now. Screw that. Does ANYONE understand my position? I love my wife. But its been TWO years of NOTHING. (she says I still owe her 28 years to even out the score...oh brother). We were in a state of total ignoring each other until one of us gets the guts to move (when my youngest goes to college, 1 1/2 years) I stopped worrying about her demand for money, that I don't look good enough for her, that I'm too sloppy for her, etc, etc, eck-****ing-cetera. Why she wanted to "open dialogue" again, give my aching heart a faint HOPE again and then start all over with the same of **** bums me out. She asked me if I wanted her to screw me as a "favor", and I answered honestly. Its been TWO years. My fingers haven't TOUCHED another female. I am DYING to be with her. So, yeah, I'll take that favor. Ego? I'll put it aside. I don't know. I am so farking confused. While I didn't like our mutual silent treatment, I had stopped HOPING for stuff, I had begun to plan my life WITHOUT her........now this. I guess I'm grateful, but its starting all over again.......what do I do? Thanks for letting me ramble. Its appreciated.
Gowithflow Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 She offered to sleep with you. Whats the problem. Just do it. Take a viagra and make it enjoyable for her. Sounds like your needs are simple. That might trump all the other drama over the past couple years.
Pete246 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 She sounds confused I'm the last person to give advice My story in brief is I was unexpectedly dumped after a 20 year marriage To say I am still devastated a year on and lost literally everything is an understatement ~ She has now divorced me and moved in with her boyfriend ~ All indications are that the new relationship is not working for her and she told her daughter that she misses me? Over the past year she kept giving clues that she might come back to me but as soon as I talk about my feelings she cuts me off and has no contact at all for a month or so ~ Sounds like she needs my occaisional emotional support but not interested in my needs ~ I still love her in spite of the unbearable hurt ~ A recent comment was "I thought of having sex with you last night" Go figure ~ I tried everything to fix things but now think the only thing left is to leave her alone and next time she shows any interest dont take the bait ~ My biggest failing with her was to take her for granted, not help out enough around the house, become a couch potato and put on a lot of weight ~ (I've since lost 70 lbs weight etc) and not pay her enough attention A bit difficult when you spent the last few years in the spare room because you snore too much ~ I'd give and do anything to get her back as I truely believe I cant live without her ~ It sounds like your biggest problem is what I had ~ A total lack of communication ~ If only she had talked about her feelings and been honest none of this needs to have happened Pete
Gunny376 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Hi. Heres a new problem I could use some good old fashioned advice. My wife is a a WANT TO walk away. Two years ago she told me she wanted a divorce. I sucked. I treated her like dog doo, in 29 years together, MAYBE, she's been happy a year or so. I reacted like so many. Cried begged. Stopped crying and begging. Threw my best "PLAN A" on her (meaning I tried to be the PERFECT husband for her for about 8 months). I hoped to get her WARMING up to me just a tiny bit.....nada. I did 180 for 6 months...again, the big fat ZERO. So after a year and a half of NOTHING. I said enough. The counseling she promised her children, me and her family was 45 minutes a week where she paid attention to our relationship and then nothing the rest of the week, going through the motions if you will. I told her I wouldn't give anything more into the relationship unless she did . I mean if she gave AN INCH. I would return the inch. A mile, same here. Well, after about 6 months of ABSOLUTELY NADA, no talking, NO interaction what so EFFEN ever, she told me this week that she would like to "open dialogue" once again. I was floored. I had given up. In my mind and heart, I was moving on, planning the rest of my FORCED future. So, as you would expect, I said yeah, lets "dialogue". I became involved again. Then this. Since I've been babbling, I'll make this latest problem as simple as possible. Its easter this weekend. Her sister, husband and 2 kids are coming in from out of state. They usually stay with us. I no longer sleep with my "wife". In the past, I usually give up "my" room to them. But, I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T sleep in the same bed as my wife. Right or wrong, I can't and wont, unless there is SOMETHING besides me hopping into bed and rolling over. Not neccesarily making love, but some kind of closeness. (But fooling around sounds mighty good right now since I haven't been allowed to TOUCH her in just about two years.) Since my wife doesn't want her sister and brother in law to feel bad, I can't sleep on the couch or ANYWHERE else I can be seen. Soooooo, I threw a sleeping bag under the dining room table and crashed there the last few times. Well, her sister came in and snagged me sleeping. She felt bad. I was making her feel bad because she felt she kicked me out of my bed. So, this time my wife wants me to sleep in her bed. BUt, even though "dialogue" has started, there will be no hanky panky, no exchange of ideas, NOTHING. Just jump in , turn around and shut up.......sorry, won't do that. My old bed meant something to me. Until the slim chance of us getting together again happens, no marital bed for me. My wife wants her sister to stay with us. But that will only happen if I sleep in HER bed. I am decently comfortable in my sleeping bag. So a disagreement led to an arguement, she spewed all her venom at me. I handled it decently well, but I refused to be a hall rug. The "talk" got around to her nauseating "friend" (toxic friend). I told her she could hang out with her, talk to her, WHATEVER. Just don't expect me to view her as ANYTHING but a "enemy to whatever is left of our marriage" . That wasn't good enough. In fact, she was down right INDIGNANT that I couldn't understand how her friends negative view of me and our relationship could possible be a POSITIVE in our lives right now. Screw that. Does ANYONE understand my position? I love my wife. But its been TWO years of NOTHING. (she says I still owe her 28 years to even out the score...oh brother). We were in a state of total ignoring each other until one of us gets the guts to move (when my youngest goes to college, 1 1/2 years) I stopped worrying about her demand for money, that I don't look good enough for her, that I'm too sloppy for her, etc, etc, eck-****ing-cetera. Why she wanted to "open dialogue" again, give my aching heart a faint HOPE again and then start all over with the same of **** bums me out. She asked me if I wanted her to screw me as a "favor", and I answered honestly. Its been TWO years. My fingers haven't TOUCHED another female. I am DYING to be with her. So, yeah, I'll take that favor. Ego? I'll put it aside. I don't know. I am so farking confused. While I didn't like our mutual silent treatment, I had stopped HOPING for stuff, I had begun to plan my life WITHOUT her........now this. I guess I'm grateful, but its starting all over again.......what do I do? Thanks for letting me ramble. Its appreciated. On a sidenote ~ you remind me of some of my Marine buddies from New York They were the Best! Solid, dependable guys! Guys you could put your all into! Guys that ALWAYS had your back! That had Honor, a Code, that they lived by! Guys that you could depend upon!
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