Do I still want to be with him?

[stellastar]

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, were on and off a lot last year. When we first got together, we lived in the same place, but 6 months later I moved away and we have seen each other on the weekends or biweekly ever since. There are lingering problems that keep my doubts coming back. Let me try to summarize a complicated issue...

 

Generally, we get along great. We're best friends. We talk on the phone for at least an hour every night and we are comfortable and can say pretty much anything to each other. When in person, we get along great and there is always a mutual love and attraction. He is the sweetest man I've met in my life...he treats me wonderfully, would do anything for me, is always very kind and supportive, would never do anything to hurt me. But then I somehow feel unsatisfied and end up hurting him, and feel guilty because I don't believe he deserves that but I can't help it because perhaps part of me feels he's not what I really want.

 

The main problem I have is that he has no personal ambitions of his own. I'm 22 years old and I learned another language, lived abroad for a year, went to college, and am moving on to get my Master's in teaching. He is 24 and still lives in his parents' house and has held a steady job. I know that not everyone is going to live the same kind of life, but I guess for my own standards, in my heart I always wanted to be with someone with their own fiery passion and enthusiasm for life experience. That is inspiring and interesting to me. My boyfriend is very intelligent and we can talk about a lot of different things, but when it comes to new experiences that involve meeting new people and doing new things outside the realm of familiarity, he gets a bit awkward and has anxiety. It's a bit frustrating for me. I also feel like he is limited as to what he can talk about because he only works and goes out drinking for fun, whereas I am in college learning different things everyday. Sometimes he says really ignorant things and it makes my heart sink, knowing that I'm with someone who IS ignorant and is completely uninterested in educating themselves any further. On top of that, I am constantly dealing with the stress of being in school, living on my own and supporting myself, trying to keep an income, and keep my sanity, while he is safely nestled under the wing of his parents. I resent him for not going through the same life changes as me, even though we're together. And then I take it out on him and put him down and we both feel bad afterwards. I hate this!

 

I'm not sure what I should do. When I have broken up with him in the past, I miss him. It's hard letting go because I care so much about him and he's the sweetest person, I hate hurting him. On the other hand, I keep getting frustrated in the relationship. I can't tell how I'm feeling or what I viable solution would be. Since it is a long distance relationship and we don't live in the same area and we aren't around each other all the time, I can't tell if these are severe problems or if they are fixable.

 

At this point, the only time we would live together is if he followed me somewhere to be with me. He only has ambition towards living with me, no matter where it is.

 

I need to figure out if I want to stay in this relationship or get out. My gut initially keeps telling me to get out, but I'm clearly not ready to let this go. The funny thing is is that we could stay together and live a happy, comfortable life and it would be fine....but would it be what I really WANT?

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

[lostandinlove]

Well, first off you were very correct in saying that everyone is different, and have different outlooks on life. i am in a similar situation where my fiance wanted to settle down and live a quiet life, and i wanted to run and gun. Sometimes people can rub off on each other. The true test is if you two would move in together and get him out of his "routine" and get him to answer for himself, hold a job, help you pay bills and except responsibility for his actions, that will be the true test, if he moves in and continues to act like he is still in his parents house, and wants to be a recluse than there is you answer. but there is a chance if you get him out of his element and get him aroung people that you hang out with maybe there is a chance he can change, but you have to remember that the hardest thing to win over is someones heart and the mind wil sometimes fight the heart.......but you are young ang have plenty time to find out if he is the one or not, take a chance and see what happens.

L.A.I.L

[Island Girl]

L.A.I.L. has a good point. You may get him into a different situation and it may influence change.

 

It is a possibility but I don't subscribe to this belief.

 

It is my experience that there are basics of people's character make up.

Women often make the mistake of thinking that their partner will change.

 

He has a different outlook on life. This is a fundamental difference and it does affect a lot.

Your entire life path will be different if you are compromising what you really want in your future.

 

I know you really care about him. I know you think he is an incredible person.

You just have to selfishly think about what you want your life to be and reconcile that with what he sees in his future as well.

 

If he is all for supporting your dreams and letting your dreams be his own -- then rent the movie Say Anything and imagine that.

 

If he has his own vision of his future and sees you as a part of it but it is a very different picture from yours you need to really think about that and possibly realize that you are just two different types of people.

If it is so then it is better to know now than 10 years from now (and it does happen).

[Lucky_One]

You are missing the most basic of things in him - fire and passion for life experiences, and a longing for education and personal growth.

 

I am sorry to say that IMHO, he is not going to change. People either have that intellectual curiousity - or they don't. He doesn't. When you want to watch The History Channel and he wants to watch America's Funniest Home Videos, you are going to become frustrated and unhappy.

 

I couldn't be happy in the long term with someone who is ignorant. I have dated a few guys that I really liked - who were kind, fun, personable - but their sheer lack of ambition towards themselves and the occasional ignorance and racism killed any chance that I could ever be with them very long.

[stellastar]

Thanks for the replies, everyone!

 

At this point I am on the fence about our future. Like LAIL said, I feel like our relationship has been progressive and we have both shown each other new things and create a balance in certain ways, which could be good if we were to move in together. I have seen him grow, especially -- he's very receptive. Going back to my thoughts earlier, I feel like I don't necessarily want to be the catalyst for that kind of change, though -- ideally, I would be with someone who is interested in finding that for themselves. I also agree with Island Girl's take on things -- that people may subtly change, but their character stays the same. That is definitely the case with my relationship. Although things may change, maybe not for the reason I'd hoped.

 

We were planning on moving in together this fall, before decided to stay in school. In the meantime, he didn't take any steps to prepare himself for the move, like looking for jobs or apartments and I have too much on my plate (and mind) to do everything. He started saving up money, but that was about it.

 

So this summer I am starting a rigorous Grad school teaching program and will have very limited free time for the next year. He usually comes up on the weekends, which will be my only time free. I am torn because I love him and enjoy the time I spend with him, but it's going to become another stress because I am probably going to have so much work to do and won't be able to fully devote my attention and time to him. I also worry about moving in together after I get out of school (tentative plan) and THEN realizing it's not right, and all hell breaks loose.

 

I don't mean to belabor the point, but I feel like if I'm feeling this intensely doubtful about it, something must be wrong. I feel like no matter what happens, these problems will always be lingering in the back of my mind.

[KikiW]

The entire time I read your post I was thinking "Me and my husband."

 

And that's not a good thing.

 

Let me explain... I am in the middle of splitting from my husband. He is a dear man, a wonderful person, a great friend. I love him and want the best for him. We have a beautiful daughter together. But it took us 13 years to figure out we were not meant to be together for the long haul.

 

Part of it is other reasons, but part of it is because he is perfectly content to say in one place. He is one of those guys that would like to find a decent paying job somewhere that doesn't challenge him too much, and that he could work at for the next 30 years. He is very creative, and would love to make a living doing his creative things, but won't devote time, money or energy to getting more of an education in those things.

 

As much as he loved me, and supported me, I kept trying to spread my wings and fly, but ended up feeling like I was trying to fly through molasses. I felt stuck, weighed down, held back. He never told me I couldn't do anything I wanted, but his core personality had an affect on me. It is not his fault, and I don't blame him or anything, but there is only so much that can rub off on your partner. I tried to help him fly when he was just more comfortable strolling, and he encouraged me to fly when I always felt like if I did I would be leaving him behind.

 

In the end, we had to cut each other loose so he could stroll without being dragged along, and I could fly without a chain around my ankle.

 

I don't regret my time with him, especially since we have a great kid together, but trust your instincts. This is a hard situation to find a balance to.

[stellastar]

Thanks, that was really helpful advice

[way_2_tired]

I admittedly know little about relationships. But lack of drive was a major factor in the one that I had. I have enough drive and passion in life for 1.5 people but not for two.

I was constantly pushing my ex and trying to have enough energy to push myself and pursue my own ambitions. Not a good plan.

I realized we had a serious problem when he told me he would be happy staying in the same part of the state working the same job in the same house forever. He said he would follow me as I pursue my own dreams, that he didn't need his own.

If you can deal with that, good for you, but I couldn't. I need somebody who is also passionate about life and has goals. I just found him apathetic, boring after awhile. I also felt that I was being held back despite his stated willingness. He stated he felt he was holding me back and wanted to let me go to pursue my dreams alone. Which was sad at first, but given how far he was from what I really want, I got over him relatively quickly.

Good luck to you.