lilbo Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Ok well I'll start out on a little background history. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. Things were not so bad for the first few years and it has become progressively worse. He never leaves the house, I mean litterally maybe once or twice a year these past 2 years. He has a medical problem right now that I believe may be a tumor or colon cancer and he will not seek medical attention. He gets upset/mad when I want to go socialize and visit with friends and family even if I do not try to get him to go. He is 26 and does not have a licence, completely relys on me for everything, such as getting him food and other purchases he wants. I looked up social anxiety disorder symptoms today and he has almost every single syptom. When he does go out of the house and leave he gets extremely panicky and becomes very upset. I try to talk about it with him and sometimes I get very upset/angry because he completely wants to avoid the conversation and calls me a B and other nasty words when I bring it up, says I'm a horrible person for saying these things up to him. I suggested in a nice way that maybe he should go see a doctor about this and he got angry and upplugged the computer because I was reading about that disorder. It is so emotionally and sometimes physically draining. I feel as I am coming to the end of my rope. I don't want to feel like im abandoning him when I have considered leaving him. I fear he would die or something in that matter. He says things like he could go live in the woods and live off the land which really upsets me. We still arn't married after 8 years and that is something that I strongly believe in and he says its just a piece of paper. I really love him and want to help him get over this and past this issue but I don't know what to do. When I first met him at age 13 he was not this way at all, we started dating when I turned 16 and it slowly progressed to become worse and worse. Besides the times when I want to talk about this to him and he becomes upset, he is the sweetest guy in the world, he cooks me dinner all the time, gives me back rubs, makes romantic (at home of coarse) date nights, and makes me feel so special. What should I do? I feel so lost and tired of it. I really don't want to hear things like leave him , kick him to the curb, because I think sometimes as humans we jump the gun far to quickly instead of actually trying to find a solution. thanks for the advice/help if this is in the wrong section , I apologize I wasn't sure which section and I posted it in here because I was considering taking a break from him.
Author lilbo Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 I'd also like to add another situation that happened before we had our own place lived with his mother. Her daughter came to visit and stay for a weekend (his older sister) and he would make us both hide away in his bedroom, and when I had to take our dog potty he made me go out the window and have her potty right out in that area just to avoid me being around any people and possibley them wanting to talk to him.
loser101 Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 it sounds like you have to ask yourself the question whether this is the life you want for yourself.
Truly Lost Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Wow, your situation sounds miserable. Its extremely unfair that he is doing this to you. In fact, I don't think he believes he is doing anything to you. You don't like his lifestyle. It does sound abnormal, but you are inabling it. It sounds like he doesn't want to change. I know you don't want to hear that you should leave him. No one on this sight wants to ever come to that decision. Its unpleasant and means you are unhappy, but you gotta set boundries. You have inabled him to continue this behavior. If you were to leave he would have to face his problem head on. It might force him to overcome it. Since you stick around he doesn't feel the need to address his issue. If he is plenty happy with being a hermit then let him. You don't have to put yourself through this. If you don't want to leave him, then I would say you have a real dilema on your hands. But just you wait. You will get sick of dealing with this. Resentment will sneak up on you. Just hope 10 or 15 years hasn't passed before you finally come to a decision. Good luck.
girlsweetness Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I think you need to put yourself first and think about what is healthiest for you. One thing to remember is that you will not change him, only he can change himself. By staying with him I do agree with the above user you have enabled him to continue this behavior. Maybe inside you think he will change, I do believe every person has the capability of changing BUT it all comes from within themselves. If you continue to do things for him, and ignore living your dreams and stop going out with friends etc you are in no way helping him, you are actually hindering him from getting better. I think you should read this book: "Codependent no More" by Mealodie Beattie. It is about caring for people who you think you can change, and in doing so you give up living your own life and you become resentful down the road and feel unappreciated. You need to have a healthier life for yourself is this the man you want to father your children some day? I have worked with children who are abused in different matters, and the way this guy behaves is abusive and your kids would be traumatized by him if you had children with him. Even towards you him calling you a B and being verbally aggressive is inappropriate, controlling what you do is also considered abuse. Yes I do think you need to get away from him.
apple21 Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Do you guys live together? Either way, i also agree with the 2 posters who said that by staying with him, he sees no need to change his ways. You have told him that his lifestyle bothers you, but I'm assuming that he doesn't really see it as a real threat to your relationship. Because if he truly loved you and wanted to be with you, and he truly saw that by living this way was only going to push you away from him, he would definitely see that he needs to change. He needs to be threatened because right now he feels safe. He feels like he has you secure. No matter what he does to you, he knows or at least feels like you will not leave him. So if you straight up told him that you can't take it anymore and decide to leave him because he is unwilling to change, you may see him try to change after that because if he doesn't, he will lose you. Though i know that is something you probably don't want to do, and i know it is hard. The only other thing i can think of is having some sort of intervention with family and friends there.
LostFocus Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 You are allowing the situation to continue and the key to all this is in your hands. I think you should tell him that if the situation doesn't improve you aren't sure how much longer you can continue in this relationship. Ask him to get the medical condition checked out because if something easily treatable goes unchecked for too long. It might kill the poor guy and then there won't be relationship. If he doesn't care about himself and the relationship, why should you? He is just too comfortable in his relationship and situation. It is up to you to slowly but surely take him out of his comfort zone and back into society. There is no doubt that he is going to need counseling but although this sounds harsh, it is for the best of him and your relationship. Good Luck.
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