Author copaisking Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 So I updated my letter, and really am pondering whether to write it and send it or not. Maybe it will give me closure if I do? But I don't really want closure, I want her back, but I want her to want me back. Maybe it will give the power back, but i've never played games with her, and she knows this. All of the dating experts and 'guru's' are telling me to go NC for a month, and that she wants me back which is why she keeps emailing on myspace etc, apparently I have to give her more time to miss me but it's so hard. Apparently after 30 days of NC I have to contact her, and set up a lunch date as 'friends' and it will all go from there... but that will be a total of 2 months from when we broke up! Thats ages. I don't know what to do, but I have made my mind up that I do want to try and get her back, and this is against my better judgment, but don't they say follow your gut, it's rarely wrong? My gut is telling me to try and get her back. Island Girl, how did the guys that you dumped win you back? Here's the updated letter, I actually cry everytime I read it, and i'm hoping that it will poke a few emotional button with Nic... "Did you know the real me? The real me was the person that dropped all of my barriers to the stealth tank that is Nicole. The person who fell so deeply, so quickly, against all my better judgment. The person that couldn't leave you alone, the person who has never felt that way before in his life, the person that always looked back at you . The one who looked after you for your first Christmas away, and just wanted you to smile on your birthday, the person who when you were sick, took care of you, adored you, loved you… the real me went to the store at 4am to get you whatever it was you needed... the real me listened in fascination when you told me stories, watched in amazement as you got ready for work, the real me is that person that melted when you told me about your childhood, tears welled up when I saw the picture of you as a kid with the dog that looked like Sid, I knew that was about that time, then the real me put a hardened shell around you, the real me ferociously protected you. Who is the real me? The real me is the one that gave you everything I had, and when you rejected it, the real me respected and accepted it. The real me promised to make you happy, and when I apparently could do that no more, the real me let you go. The real me discovered feelings that I never thought were possible when I was with you, then I discovered the other end of the spectrum, and came through the darkness a stronger person. The real me showed you complete, unconditional love, remember my love? The love that is unlike any other love, the love that holds no boundaries, no jealousy, no issues, just pure unadulterated love… that was the real me’s love that I gave you… The real me would have done anything in the world for you, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Nicole, trust me, you know the real me, you're one of the handful in the world that do know the real me, the sweet me, the trusting me, the unconditionally me, me. The real me that knew how to antagonize you, that knew how to make you laugh, that thought that was forever, Nicole and David, that was the real me. Now the real me has to look after me, which is what i'm going to do, the real me needs to start loving me as much as I love others, if I show myself as much love as I showed you, then I will be a complete person. The real me will never mean to cause you any pain at all, I genuinely wish you all of the success in the world, the real me knows that you are going to be a star, and the real me has his fingers crossed for you that you are happy in everything and all things that you do. This, is the real me, the me that you know and love. This is David with no show, no happy happy exterior, no making fun of people... no barriers, you know this person, as the real me is how I was with you, all the time, no holds barred, the loving, doting, funny, sometimes emotional me."
Blah Toolz Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Your letter is well done and certainly heartfelt... but I would leave it here on the message board. If her mind is made up, although the letter may strike a chord, it won't change her mind at all.
Island Girl Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Your letter is well done and certainly heartfelt... but I would leave it here on the message board. If her mind is made up, although the letter may strike a chord, it won't change her mind at all. I absolutely concur with the above. Dont send the letter. She knows who she dated. Saying the type of things she did to you are all for manipulation. They are a ploy to keep you desperately trying to show her how real you are by pouring your heart out to her. That isn't going to get her back or allow you to heal.
mmk1 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 D-Lish, I think you described a few of my exes who dumped me. Loved the adoration - couldn't care less about taking me back. I blame myself for allowing it to continue. I encourage everyone to break that pattern if they find an ex playing them like that. Love all your posts, BTW!
samspade Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Do not send the letter. Do not contact her any more. Closure is a stupid, overrated idea that only invites more trouble. You want closure? Close the door on her like she did on you. Closure is just an excuse for masochism. Save yourself the long-term heartache. You sound like you are deriving self worth from the affection of others. You don't need her! And she has made clear she doesn't want you. Accept it and move on. You dodged a bullet, my friend. Be thankful her ugly half exposed itself after five months and not five years. Especially in light of the fact that after she broke up with you, she ripped you for having other females in your life, she seems immature and self-centered. Give me a break. As someone else said on these boards (I think CaliGuy), don't make someone a priority in your life who's made you an option in hers. You can do better. Find someone who wants to be with you. Good luck.
Author copaisking Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 ao i'm going to go with the majority, and ignore my gut, and not send the letter. I feel like, with the games that she may or may not know that she is playing, she doesn't really deserve such an ego boosting letter, you know? Maybe if she contacts me in a more appropriate, positive manner, then I will send it. I feel like its such a shame that I have all of this love to give this girl, and she doesn't want it right now. In my heart of hearts, I know that if we could have dealt with her issues with regards to having a balance in her life etc etc then I would have made her so happy, and with her being happy, I would have been happy, because deep down, thats what I want, is to see a smile on her face. The one thing that is irritating me though, is the way that she is trying to turn me into the villain by giving it the old 'I never knew the real you', its like she is validating dumping me, because, in my opinion, she just got scared, the old 'oh sh*t! i'm falling for him but I promised myself I wouldn't do this until i'm XX years old, ill end it now' If we don't get back together, it would be a real shame, so many people commented on what a fabulous relationship/friendship we had. Why would she try to turn me into the bad guy?
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 The one thing that is irritating me though, is the way that she is trying to turn me into the villain by giving it the old 'I never knew the real you', its like she is validating dumping me, because, in my opinion, she just got scared, the old 'oh sh*t! i'm falling for him but I promised myself I wouldn't do this until i'm XX years old, ill end it now' That says a lot about her. She doesn't have a right to make you feel guilty for anything when she was the one that broke your heart. just remember that. She broke up with you- now she is playing games with your head just like she did/does with her other ex's. I'm glad you aren't sending the letter.
Author copaisking Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 I just failed.... I looked at her myspace, and have thrown myself back to square one again. Why is my heart so insistent that we're meant to be together..?
Blah Toolz Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I just failed.... I looked at her myspace, and have thrown myself back to square one again. Why is my heart so insistent that we're meant to be together..? It's alright, it's a difficult time, and everyone makes mistakes, especially when you're the one that is so deeply rooted. It can often be difficult to make rational decisions because you're so emotionally tied. What I would suggest is deleting her phone number out of your phone, just in case you call her, even by accident, whether you're just missing her, or ten beers deep. You should also do the same with her MySpace. Delete her off your friends, don't look at her friends' pages on the off chance you might see her comments or links to her page. It won't be easy at first, but the no-contact does make it easier. And it will allow you to step back and look at it with a less entangled mind.
writergal Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Oh Copaisking, I know what you're going through right now and how difficult it is at first, when you're trying to separate yourself and heal. Releapses are normal! Don't beat yourself up. You miss Nic. That's a normal response and it's part of the grieving process. One way you can cope is to lower your expectations...a lot. I think for right now you're better off if you just never expect anything from Nic. That way you won't be disappointed and you don't have to feel disrespected when Nic claims she doesn't know who the real you is. It will take the pressure off of yourself too, and allow you to relax and breathe again. When we obsess in anticipation of a reunion after a break-up, it's because we want the other person to be on the same wavelength, at the same time. Right now, Nic is on her own wavelength, on her own timeline, and no amount of convincing and pleading and rationalizing with Nic will bring her any closer to you. So you have to let go, step back, and lower your expectations and just trust that the universe is working in your favor, and that if you feel in your gut that you and Nic are meant to be together, then it will happen. It just won't be an obvious, and probably not immediate event. That is what I'm doing with my ex. When I went to seek closure from him last week, I had no intention of reconciling my feelings and going down a new road towards a second chance together. But that door opened up when my ex said he wanted to see me again. Is that going to happen this week like he said? Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that I have to focus on myself - and I think you should do the same because that will be more attractive to my ex and your Nic, in the long run, when they see that we are not coming from a needy place, but can make ourselves happy and have our own lives separate from them. If my ex and your Nic come back to us eventually, and we are both emotionally available then it is meant to be. If not, they at least came into our lives and we taught each other a lesson we needed to learn. Every little piece of your life means something to someone. (That's a lyric from a song by The Editors. A great band btw). It's so true too. Just drop your expectations and relax and let go. You will be able to think more clearly if you can stop obsessing. That is what will continue to cloud your judgment.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 2 weeks ago she came to me saying that she needed a week off to get a balance in her life the typical bulls##t excuse. She didn't have the guts to come out and say she simply didn't want to be with you. needs to get balance in her life....wtf does that mean? not a thing. Its kind of on the lines of "its not you, its me"
Author copaisking Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 Hey Dexter thats what I thought. The whole thing literally happened overnight, which is what is making it so hard, as I only have good thoughts about her, nothing negative. This girl made me feel so amazing about myself, and then she just took it all away, just like that. Then she messages me all the sh*t above, and it's like 'wtf?, why are you doing this?' I haven't initiated contact of any sort since March 27th. She thinks that i've moved on etc when the truth of the matter is that i'm miserable, have been suicidal for a month, and i'm booked into therapy on Monday morning for the first time in my life. I'll openly admit that my head is broken (mentally) and I don't know how to fix it. I spend all day every day checking my emails/texts praying that she has contacted me. In my heart, she was the one, i'm 32... been married etc and I had NEVER felt feeling like this before, she opened me up like a surgeon... I fell in too quickly, with no boundaries, and have come out of it a mess... and she thinks i've moved on, what a fu*&ing joke. I've never been so miserable in my entire life
Blah Toolz Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Keep your head up Copias. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get easier day by day; also, read over my thread, the people in there gave me some really great advice, and I'm in a similar situation to your own.
Author copaisking Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 So I’ve thought deeply about whether I want this girl back. I’ve decided that I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least give it a shot at getting her back. Obviously I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did, and maybe she was a completely different person… but there is something that is deeply anchored in me, telling me that I have some unfinished business with this girl. I’ve decided to contact her in the next few days, and have planned out the following script. The thing is, I know that when I call her, she won’t pick up, and expect me to leave a message… when I don’t leave one, she’ll probably either ignore the call or send me a text message asking me what I wanted, but I’ll prepare for that later, for now, I’ve put this together in order to initiate a meeting, or just say it all on the phone, let me know what you think: “Hey Nic, just calling to say ‘hey’. I just wanted to tell you that you were right… The breakup was definitely for the best, but it would really be a shame to throw away our friendship. How about we go out for a coffee bud? We can work on being friends again, no hard feelings” during conversation: “one day, I was just thinking about all sorts of stuff, and ‘blam!’, it hit me like a bolt of lightening! It was weird, and very strange, but I realized that I took ‘us’ for granted, and the fact that we fell into a routine destroyed my excitement for life, my spontaneouity, I never followed through on my goals, I always spoke a good game, but never did anything about it!... I’ve now realized that I have to LIVE my life, everyday, like I’m living for two people (side note, my best friend passed away 2 years ago… so this is actually true). From that day, I’ve been doing everything I can, as much as I can, and I’ll tell you what, I feel amazingly complete!” let her think about that whilst making small talk… then: “really, I just wanted to thank you. You’ve helped me find, and deal with the problem areas in my life. I’ve had 5 weeks to think about things, and I feel great about everything. If it wasn’t for this experience, I probably would have continued to live comfortably in a routine, and just roll with things all the time in all my future relationships” Now, the good thing is, that all that you say in your book is true... everything I write above is true, and I will carry on living, with or without Nicole, and my life will be better, if I focus on self improvement. Let me know what you think, i'm thinking either tomorrow or Monday calling her... cheers Dave
Dexter Morgan Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Hey Dexter thats what I thought. The whole thing literally happened overnight, which is what is making it so hard, as I only have good thoughts about her, nothing negative. This girl made me feel so amazing about myself, and then she just took it all away, just like that. Then she messages me all the sh*t above, and it's like 'wtf?, why are you doing this?' exactly. She wants time apart.....give it to her....PERMANENTLY. Move on. This won't be the last time she plays games with you instead of coming right out and having the guts to tell you what she really means.
samspade Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 This girl made me feel so amazing about myself, and then she just took it all away, just like that. Then she messages me all the sh*t above, and it's like 'wtf?, why are you doing this?' Learn from this. Don't ever give anyone the power to make you feel good or bad about yourself. This should always be up to YOU.
Author copaisking Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 thanks everyone. I started therapy this week, and a lot of things came out about Nicole and how I handle relationships, and the usual girls that I go for. My therapist has asked me to think about going on anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety medication. I was wondering if anyone has ever been put on these? I know thats a hugely personal question, but I have heard bad and good things about them. I haven't dealt with this break up, I don't know how to. All I want to do is get back with her, i've brought all the eBooks and I know how to use psychological 'tricks' to get her back. The thing is, I know that if I do see her, all of that will go out the window and ill just ruin it by opening up and telling her I want her back...
Author copaisking Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezus so yesterday I thought it would be a good day to break NC...I haven't initiated any sort since March 27th, and haven't had any of any sort since April 12th. I had my script written out, ready to say it all...then it happened...she didn't answer. I thought I would be fine...but honestly, the only thing running through my head now is why? would she ignore me? she has caller ID on her cell...unless she's deleted my number, she would know it was me. No text, no call...nothing. Good job Dave, its sent you back to square one, and none of those eBooks work...trust
Author copaisking Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 she just text back...a day later with 'my moms in town...we were up north when you called, whats up?'
Island Girl Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 she just text back...a day later with 'my moms in town...we were up north when you called, whats up?' Big mistake calling. Big mistake replying to a text. C'mon dude. She couldn't even put in the effort to actually speak with you. You are playing right into her hands by contacting her in the first place. Just wash your hands of it at this point. She hasn't given you any indication that she has changed her mind or is rethinking her break up with you. PLEASE. Don't go down this road. I don't suppose that is what you want to hear. And you are going to come back and say "but I have to respond now - because she texted" but that isn't true. You don't owe her anything. I just know you are going to contact her anyway. *sigh* I am sorry you are tortured by all of this.
Blah Toolz Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 You should listen to Island_Girl, she knows her ****. She was a former man-eater, so she can decode this stuff like a CIA translator.
Author copaisking Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 I know........ but I did reply This was the full thing: Her 'my moms in town, we were up north when u called...whats up?' Me: 'its been long since I talked to you last, just wanted to make sure your ok say hi to your mum' Her 'Yep, long time. I'm great, hope you're the same' Me 'I've got so much exciting stuff to tell you. lll call you next week ' I know I fu*ked up, i'm down again, my heads fuct and now I can't get her out of my mind, and the fact that she's doing great is fuc&king dandy. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!
spiracles Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 fantastic. now you can tell her about all the nice girls you have been dating. she has moved on, so should you. she's not special, she isn't even good. just good-looking, apparently. and if she has a problem with the girls on your myspace, tell her to quit ****ing reading it.
Blah Toolz Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Maybe some reverse psychology will work? Call her tomorrow, bawling like an infant with no teat to suckle, and ask her if she'll lay on a picnic blanket with you in a grassy knoll so that you can watch the stars come out. Be sure to tell her that you're going to wish and pray on every star that you guys get back together and that you think each one resembles the radiance in her eyes. Do you think that'd work? Trust me, man. Take a look at my thread, "5 years and it's so tough." Look at the advice I got, I am going through the same thing as you. Each day of No Contact I have and keeping myself busy, is a day that I'm stronger. I wasn't really interested in other women, but being able to flirt with other girls at parties without having her over my shoulder feels good and is liberating. Hey, she chose to end it with me, and you're in the same boat. NC, make a goal! 10-30 days at least, and no falling for "bread crumbs."
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