How on earth can I fix this... she's all I want :(

[copaisking]

Hi Everyone

 

thanks in advance for your responses, I really appreciate it.

 

I was dating a girl for 5 months, I fell in love with her after 1 month and we have been seeing each other every day since. This is her relationship history. She was married for 6 months before getting it annulled. She said she wasn't ready to settle down, and she wanted to pursue her modeling career in LA, and move from Florida. I feel sorry for her husband, as he is still texting her two years later saying that she ruined his life etc etc

 

Her last serious boyfriend also lasted about 6 months. He was a professional surfer in Florida, she commuted between Miami and LA for work. Apparently he was very emotional, and always wanted to talk about feelings. He planned to move his career to California so that he could be closer to her, and thats when she finished with him. Again... he still texts her and is in the 'friends zone' with her, when we were together he would make comments about my myspace then apologize to her later. He was in LA for a bit recently and wanted to meet up with her (I didn't have a problem with this) but she said no. Whats the point in being his friend? I tried to explain that for the most part, guys who want to be friends with their ex's deeply want to get back with them, which she agreed with. I also explained that her husband acting like the way he does (he is still super tight with her family which really upsets her) is again, evidence that he deeply wants to get back with her and would grab the chance to.

 

I'm trying to do this differently than all of the other ex's, trying to do the NC thing and make her question if she has done the right thing. I can't just be her friend, I really am not that person, I want more than that, and i'm not going to stand around in the friends zone while she starts seriously dating other people. I know I already messed this up when I sent her the email stating that I still loved her, but had to cease all contact with her for me to heal. I shouldn't have done that but I have since had NC, and she has sent me those emails/texts... which shows that she is jealous of what I have been doing, which gives me a little bit of hope that I can salvage this. My gut is rarely wrong, and its telling me that I have unfinished business with this... my dream girl

 

She's absolutely beautiful, an Abercrombie model, Southern (something I love) and just a great person. 2 weeks ago she came to me saying that she needed a week off to get a balance in her life and to start hanging out with her friends more. I always encourage her to do this, as I feel its part of a healthy relationship. So, I agreed to take a weeks 'break' and told her I wouldn't contact her. It was absolute hell, probably one of the worst weeks of my life, all I wanted to do was to contact her and tell her I love her, but I didn't. On the Thursday she sent me a text telling me that she was coming over to get her running shoes and some letters, she didn't show up, she then said Friday, didn't show up, then Saturday, didn't show up. We had agreed the week before to spend the Sunday together in order to discuss everything and make sure that she had her life on track. I text her Sunday morning saying that I would pick her up and take her out for the day that I had planned. She responded with 'wait, I just got up'. I then asked her what time she would be ready, to which she responded 'listen, it's my day off, I don't want to spend it talking about things, not today anyway. I've been invited to a hockey game with my friend Colleen, I just want to relax'. I told her that was fine and for her to have fun. She said she would come over in the morning.

 

Monday morning comes by, she's meant to be over at 1130, she texts to say she won't be over til 230 because she's cleaning her apartment. I tell her fine, and ill come over to her place. She tells me not to, and that she'll be around later. I told her that wasn't good enough (I was fed up with her stringing me along all week). She then broke up with me on text message, saying that it had nothing to do with me and that she had to find a balance in her life, and that she always jumps in to relationships, and right now she just wants to be in LA to model, and just be Nicole'.

 

I went over to her apartment with all her stuff. She wasn't cleaning anything. Her room mate showed up and then she said, 'oh, she had all the cleaning stuff'. Anyway, she was kissing me and telling me she was sorry, and the last thing she wanted to was hurt me etc etc I told her that I agreed that we should split up if she wasn't happy. I killed me to agree it, but thats the way I am, I told her that I had promised to make her happy, and if letting her go made her happy, then so be it.

 

So the thing is, for the 5 months we were together, she was amazing, she looked after me, I looked after her, she was the single most phenomenal girl I had ever been with. She truly was the total package. I just can't figure out how she went from that, from saying she wants to marry me, and throwing pictures of engagement rings in my face, to just ending it.

 

So anyways, she ended it, I told her she wouldn't see me again (LA is a big place, I never bump into people I know unless it prearranged, especially if I know where to avoid people) she responded with 'I absolutely refuse to never see you again', to which I replied, i'm sorry, thats the way it has to be.

 

That was all on Monday, I haven't text/called/emailed her, i've been depressed and suffering from anxiety, and have just plainly been miserable, at times, suicidal. Then on Thursday, she texts me to tell me that she has just seen one of my friends girlfriends on TV (not a big deal, this girl is on a show, she's always on the TV). I couldn't really believe that 1) she text me 2) it was completely impersonal. So I ignored it, later that night she sent me another text asking whether I was in the country (I mentioned I may go to England for a few weeks) or was I just ignoring her earlier text message? I ignored that until the morning, when I responded that I was staying in LA and that my parents were coming over to see me instead. She responded asking when etc and then she said 'coolio, i'm really happy for you '. I didn't respond to that, thinking she was just checking in with me, and there is no need to prolong the 'chat'. It is literally ripping my heart out not telling her how I feel and that I want her back dreadfully, but as much as I am hurt i'm staying strong, as nobody wants an ex stalking them with love texts etc. So today, I get a text from her saying 'Hi are you doing ok?'. To say i'm pissed is an understatement. Again, I want to text her and say 'no! i'm not doing ok, you've ripped my heart out and now you keep texting me!!!'. I ignored the text but I feel absolutely terrible.

So i'm still going through a bad time with this break up. She kept texting me so last week I sent her this email:

 

"Nicole,

 

So, it's been an interesting few days, where I have started the path of rediscovering myself. I've thought long and hard about who I am, who I want to be, my career goals, my personal goals and where I am in life right now.

 

I still have feelings for you Nicole, and it is because of these feelings, that I have to be selfish and cease all contact with you. I'm unable to be your friend, I'm just not that person. I want something solid with you, but you can't give that to me right now. I would never be able to be your friend and watch you build something that I want, but with someone else. I literally couldn't put myself through it... and I would be a fake friend, always wanting more from the 'friendship'.

 

It's very hard for me to write this, but I have to set boundaries for myself, something that I have not done in a long time, and I need to start putting myself first in my life. You know that I love, and cherish you, but right now, I have to be protective over David, which is something that has been severely lacking in my life. This is in no way at all to hurt you, but merely to look after myself. Friendship is just not enough for me with you... if you change your mind, and if I'm emotionally available, let's see what happens, but as it is right now, it just isn't enough.

 

I love you baba

 

Dave"

 

To be honest, I kind of expected a response along the lines of 'I understand' or something, but I didn't hear anything, which speaks volumes. I'm absolutely mortified by all this, then all of a sudden, I wake up on Saturday morning to 2 text messages followed an hour later by this email:

 

 

"I don't know if u got my texts so I'm gonna throw this your way to make sure I know u read what I have to say, since I apparently can't count on you to just respond to anything I say to you. First, your myspace and the **** that's out for everyone to see is ****ing annoying. You've met another Nicole, which is awesome...gag me. Second, her profile says she's excited about someone with an accent...gag me harder. Third, you've got all these chicks coming out of nowhere hounding you on there..its disgusting that we've only been broke up a few weeks and yet you've already got all these girls up your ass, talking about "it was so nice meeting you last night...blah blah ****ing blah.." Seriously, you called me disrespectful!! Haha, that's a joke compared to the fact that YOU are already busy replacing me. Real cool. SUPER awesome..I know I broke up with you, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to see that you're already heavy involved in dating a bunch of L.A. retards. And yes, they will ALL be retarded, and infested with diseases so please be careful. I love you and will always care about you a great deal, but this disrespect thrown out for me to see in plain view is sickening and makes me question knowing the real David. A response would be appreciated, if not, ill continue on living questioning whether or not I ever really knew you."

 

Now, I know that this is a manipulative email, but I responded 4 days later with this, I wanted to give the impression that I was moving on, hoping that she would see this and think 'I miss him':

 

 

"Nicole

 

I got your text and email, but i've been really busy.

 

In the last few days I have realized that you were right about everything, it's weird and I don't know why, but exciting things are happening to me one after the other. I respect your decision with the breakup.

 

David"

 

Not expecting a response for a few days, I was a bit shocked when I got this, like 10 minutes later:

 

"Its interesting how you didn't respond to anything I wrote basically but whatever. Ill probably never speak to or see you again, which is ****ing weird but that's obviously how it has to be according to you. Good luck"

 

I've brought all the eBooks telling me how to get back with my ex, and apart from that email that I sent telling her that I had to cease contact with her because I still have feelings for her, I have followed the instructions, but it just seems to have driven her fully away, almost like she doesn't care at all anymore.

 

I originally posted all of this in the 'Break Up' thread, but what I want is a second chance for us. I know that I can make her happy, I know that she can make me happy. I want her to go out with her friends, as much as she wants, i'm not the jealous type, or controlling type. There just has to be a way of getting a second chance with this girl, who truly is my dream girl. People tell me to focus on the negatives... there were none until that last day! Nobody has ever been so kind and thoughtful to me, I was absolutely blown away by her in every sense of the word.

 

I miss her terribly, I know that this thread is an extremely long one, but I wanted to be thorough, and to get peoples opinions who are going through the same thing. The books I brought tell me to start 30 days of no contact from her last email. Its day 2, and its absolute hell. I cried today, and had terrible thoughts about ending it all. The weird thing, is that I get told that i'm a good looking guy every day, and I have a bunch of women who I know want to get with me, but I physically can't sleep with them, I don't think I could get it up, i'm so in love with her...please help anyone

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I am sorry to hear you are going through all of this pain. It will come and go in waves. It is scary. Those feelings are a part of loss. There are stages when it comes to loss.

 

It may not seem like it now, but it will get better. Some setbacks, but better and better with each passing day.

 

*hugs*

 

...

 

I originally posted all of this in the 'Break Up' thread, but what I want is a second chance for us. I know that I can make her happy, I know that she can make me happy. I want her to go out with her friends, as much as she wants, i'm not the jealous type, or controlling type. There just has to be a way of getting a second chance with this girl, who truly is my dream girl. People tell me to focus on the negatives... there were none until that last day! Nobody has ever been so kind and thoughtful to me, I was absolutely blown away by her in every sense of the word.

 

 

According to your post (which has great detail, btw), she is used to having exes as satellites around her, even after they are over.

 

Well...you did not follow the program, so she's outraged.

 

I am proud of you, though. You gave her respect, but you didn't disrespect yourself in the process.

 

You did the right thing. You should be d*mn proud of yourself.

 

I miss her terribly, I know that this thread is an extremely long one, but I wanted to be thorough, and to get peoples opinions who are going through the same thing. The books I brought tell me to start 30 days of no contact from her last email. Its day 2, and its absolute hell. I cried today, and had terrible thoughts about ending it all. The weird thing, is that I get told that i'm a good looking guy every day, and I have a bunch of women who I know want to get with me, but I physically can't sleep with them, I don't think I could get it up, i'm so in love with her...please help anyone

 

It is going to be very hard when you are in a state like this.

 

We have a whole section here with great advice - Coping.

 

As far as getting a second chance, you have done all you can do in my opinion - some others may come along with different ideas, idk.

 

I know it sucks out loud, but the ball is in her court now. You cope the best you can, ask for advice here as needed, and never forget to take care of yourself.

 

Again, this is just my opinion but I think you have done everything you can right now as far as second chances goes.

 

Take good care of you, that's job number one right now. You have every reason to look at yourself in the mirror and feel proud of the way you've conducted yourself, honey.

 

x

[writergal]

Copaisking,

 

I totally empathize with you because I'm going through the same situation - my boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago because I over-reacted to something. It was hell for me to have NC with him until recently, when I asked him to meet with me and he actually did. For the past week, we've seen each other 2x now and each time we talked about what went wrong in our past relationship, where each of us are now emotionally, and what we want. Will it work out for us to reconcile? That remains to be seen but every day this week has been a rollercoaster of emotion for me. I know that before I met my ex, I had a great life. I know that I will still have a great life if he decides to reject me again, after Easter weekend when he is back in town from visiting his parents.

 

I think those "how to get your ex back" books are all trash. I read some and you know what I think? I think you should just be yourself with Nicole. I took a risk by contacting my ex after 4 months of silence. And he responded positively. Right now it's slow going b/c he's still scared and unsure of what he wants. I told him in person that I still care about him, and when he tried to put the moves on me the other night, I stopped him, telling him that while it may seem right to do "in the heat of the moment," in the long run, having sex with an ex so soon after re-connecting (4 days to be precise) would be a HUGE mistake for us both. I knew it would devastate me b/c I have stronger feelings for him, if I went through with it so I didn't.

 

He left for his parents this morning and I texted him that I hope he has a safe drive, and that I will be thinking of him this weekend. Now, if he freaks out because I texted I will be thinking about him, then you know what, that's okay because i was being myself. I can't hide my true feelings although I certainly don't want to overwhelm him either.

 

So my hope for you, Copaisking, is that you will contact Nicole now, over the phone (forget email or texting), and ask her to talk to you. Tell her how you feel and be honest about it. You have nothing to lose because you are telling the truth. If she is open to listening, re-iterate that you can't be casual friends with her, and ask her if she would consider starting over with you, with boundaries that benefit you both. Boundaries and good communication are 2 areas in relationships that get overlooked and often are the cause of most break-ups, I believe. If my ex and I had started our relationship slowly to begin with and not had sex so quickly, and dated instead, we'd still be together, I believe. But we jumped in and were in a relationship before we even really dated each other. So now, I've asked my ex to just date me and get to know me without letting sex get in the way. If he changes his mind after this weekend and cites my text as a reason to give up, then at least I know I had the courage to tell him what i wanted, and I was genuine. That takes inner-strength, not to hide who you are from other people for fear of rejection or judgment.

 

You have the inner strength and courage to change the dynamics with Nicole. All you have to do is trust yourself. Throw out all your self-help books, take a walk, then call her and be yourself. Then let go and see how she responds. Don't be afraid. IF you really miss her, contact her again. You have nothing to lose except the opportunity to possibly reconcile with Nicole. And sometimes people need to be apart from each other to regain their perspective. It doesn't mean the break has to be permanent either. People get back together all the time and no relationship is the same. It's entirely up to you.

[copaisking]

thanks guys,

 

Its been day 3 of NC, but a month since we broke up. The thing that is hurting me is that our last communication wasn't positive, and thats probably what she is focusing on right now.

 

I want to contact her now, and tell her that I think we should try again, but just 'dating' nothing too serious. She has hurt me like no other, and she needs to understand this. To be quite honest, i'm **** scared of being rejected by her if I do contact her now. Its been a total of 4 weeks, and i'm still thinking about her constantly, i'm miserable for 90% of my day.... knowing that she works 2 miles from my house is killing me, I just want to go in there with a bunch of flowers and say 'did you realize that we are right for each other yet?'... I mean, does she even miss me?

 

I have a date on Sunday with another girl, and i'm dreading it. She's cute, she seemed nice when I met her, but I genuinely do not want anyone else on this planet. I thought that we were perfect for each other, she said that nobody has ever loved her unconditionally like I did... then why would she run??? What irritates me is that she used the excuse of 'having no balance between a boyfriend and her friends', so shejust dumps me? how is that a balance? I never tried to control her... this is where I think I went wrong... I gave her too much

 

Onto day 4 of NC... wishing that she will text me

[stephy]

Seems to em she is playing you and was playing you all along.She was used to the ex boyfriend ex husband stalking her but when you really think about ti was they stalking her or did she do them like she is doing you?Sounds to me like she wants all these men tof all at her feet while she does what she wants when she wants.She wants to have her cake and eat it to.Dont fall into the trap.Let her go as hard as it is just let her go. Dont hurt other girls by going out with them until you are over this one.

[copaisking]

ouch... it hurts to hear it.

 

I know that she has childhood issues, and I believe this could be the reason that she is scared of commitment, but deep in my heart, i'm just not ready to give up on her yet, you know?

 

I feel so protective of this girl because of her past, I truly have put a cocoon around her, and she knows this because I have told her in the past, now I feel so guilty about taking it completely away. She thinks, by the wording in her last email anyway, that i'm a phoney, and that i'm pretty much an *******. Honestly, I couldn't have done more for this girl, part of why i'm hurting so much is that I literally gave her the best of me. I went out at 4am to get her tampons, I went out at 5am to get her vagisil, when she was sick, I looked after her got her medication, her first CHristmas away from her family, I looked after her and made sure she was ok and happy, the same for her birthday! I gave because I wanted to and the only thing I expected in return was love. I genuinely can't believe that she has just wanted out of this. Again, with risk of sounding arrogant, who the hell will treat her better than I did. Oh god... i'm getting that overwhelming feeling to throw up again. It's been a month tomorrow, and this pain hasn't gotten any better. I just want to call her and tell her everything, but i'm so scared that I will ruin all chances I have with her if I do that, but then again, I feel like I have already lost all chances because of our last contact...

[Hersheys]

ouch... it hurts to hear it.

 

I know that she has childhood issues, and I believe this could be the reason that she is scared of commitment, but deep in my heart, i'm just not ready to give up on her yet, you know?

 

I feel so protective of this girl because of her past, I truly have put a cocoon around her, and she knows this because I have told her in the past, now I feel so guilty about taking it completely away. She thinks, by the wording in her last email anyway, that i'm a phoney, and that i'm pretty much an *******. Honestly, I couldn't have done more for this girl, part of why i'm hurting so much is that I literally gave her the best of me. I went out at 4am to get her tampons, I went out at 5am to get her vagisil, when she was sick, I looked after her got her medication, her first CHristmas away from her family, I looked after her and made sure she was ok and happy, the same for her birthday! I gave because I wanted to and the only thing I expected in return was love. I genuinely can't believe that she has just wanted out of this. Again, with risk of sounding arrogant, who the hell will treat her better than I did. Oh god... i'm getting that overwhelming feeling to throw up again. It's been a month tomorrow, and this pain hasn't gotten any better. I just want to call her and tell her everything, but i'm so scared that I will ruin all chances I have with her if I do that, but then again, I feel like I have already lost all chances because of our last contact...

 

 

I don't believe in 'fear of commitment'. It's more of a hyped up version of fear or discomfort of being with someone you really don't want to be with.

 

I don't think you need to contact her further but if it will make you feel better, by all means do it but be prepared for what she is going to say. She knows you love her. She will not forget that. But the thing is she is so used to the idea of guys fawning all over her. While here you are reluctant to play that role.

 

She makes herself unavailable yet she knows when to strike just to make sure you do not forget her.

 

Be different. If she is that unattainable, be like that too, to her.

 

Cancel the date if it's such a chore to you at this time. Go out with your friends instead.

[stephy]

ouch... it hurts to hear it.

 

I know that she has childhood issues, and I believe this could be the reason that she is scared of commitment, but deep in my heart, i'm just not ready to give up on her yet, you know?

 

I feel so protective of this girl because of her past, I truly have put a cocoon around her, and she knows this because I have told her in the past, now I feel so guilty about taking it completely away. She thinks, by the wording in her last email anyway, that i'm a phoney, and that i'm pretty much an *******. Honestly, I couldn't have done more for this girl, part of why i'm hurting so much is that I literally gave her the best of me. I went out at 4am to get her tampons, I went out at 5am to get her vagisil, when she was sick, I looked after her got her medication, her first CHristmas away from her family, I looked after her and made sure she was ok and happy, the same for her birthday! I gave because I wanted to and the only thing I expected in return was love. I genuinely can't believe that she has just wanted out of this. Again, with risk of sounding arrogant, who the hell will treat her better than I did. Oh god... i'm getting that overwhelming feeling to throw up again. It's been a month tomorrow, and this pain hasn't gotten any better. I just want to call her and tell her everything, but i'm so scared that I will ruin all chances I have with her if I do that, but then again, I feel like I have already lost all chances because of our last contact...

 

she is playing you like a fiddle I am sorry to say it that way but she is.I know it hurts but it will get better in time

[writergal]

Copaisking, you NEED to contact Nicole and you need to do it now. I know you feel scared contacting her will ruin your chance for a reconciliation. But that's not true. You don't know what will happen unless you take that risk. She may reject you - but it's already been one month since you've been out with her so how much more can she actually reject you than she already has?

 

I took a chance by contacting my ex last week after 3 months of really no contact except for a couple of phone calls and texts. I was really surprised how open he was to meet with me in person to discuss our relationship. He can always change his mind of course about us 'just dating.' But you know what? I will be okay if he decides that because he gave me verbal closure when we met twice last week, sharing his perspective on why the relationship didn't last.

 

Of course I feel like he is supposed to be "the one." And if you feel this way about Nicole, then be true to yourself and your needs and just contact her again. Don't use texts or email, but call her.

 

I don't think she's manipulating you at all. I think she may be a little immature. And, I think she feels just as insecure and confused as you do. And since you both have different personalities you have your own way of coping with conflict in relationships. You will never know her truth unless you contact her and ask her directly - no beating around the bush, and don't get caught up in emotional language.

 

I truly think NC can be useful but if it's difficult for you to maintain that, that is your instinct, or higher self. Contacting her now is not an impulsive act. Just call her and talk to her. And no, you won't be ruining your chance at reconciliation by calling her. It may actually lead you towards a reconciliation if you are the first one to make a move. You just won't know unless you try.

[Island Girl]

Copaisking, you NEED to contact Nicole and you need to do it now. I know you feel scared contacting her will ruin your chance for a reconciliation. But that's not true. You don't know what will happen unless you take that risk. She may reject you - but it's already been one month since you've been out with her so how much more can she actually reject you than she already has?

 

TERRIBLE ADVICE.

 

If you do this -- and contact her -- you have no one to blame but yourself when she dances around and rips your heart out again.

 

 

I don't think she's manipulating you at all. I think she may be a little immature.

 

I would ask if you are or ever have been a manipulative girl.

 

I would also ask if your track record is the same as this girls but I can already pretty much tell the answer.

 

See, this Nicole girl resembles me in my younger years.

Manipulative, always was the dumper, created stalkers, and every boyfriend still wanting to be around just in case I "came to my senses" and decided I had been wrong and they really were "the one".

 

 

OP -

 

Her e-mail to you about the other women contacting you on myspace was text book.

 

It is definitely something I would do when talking to an ex - I'd make it all about how "they must not have cared" and how they are "moving on just fine" because I knew they'd scramble to show me and tell me that I was so wrong and they were still dedicated to me.

That they still loved and wanted me and the other girls weren't anybody to them.

Usually I made them get rid of every female in their life and they did. But I still didn't get back with them. That was all based on "maybe".

 

It is a sick and twisted thing to be sure.

 

 

And no, you won't be ruining your chance at reconciliation by calling her.

 

Wrong again.

 

Yes it will.

 

You will then become like every other ex in her life. Is she back with them? No.

 

Your only hope of reconciliation is to have her come to you.

And even then you can't jump right back in to an exclusive relationship.

 

 

AND STOP CONTACTING HER. DO NOT RESPOND TO HER.

 

She'll get more and more manipulative and try other tactics.

But if she is serious about speaking with you then she knows your address --- or she will ask for a meet up.

 

Quit playing these stupid back and forth games.

[RecordProducer]

If you want her back, give her mixed signals. The hot & cold, push & pull always works in cases like this. See, you wrote her a loving email but you also had girls on MySpace and she got all intrigued - that does the trick. When you just loved her or just pushed her away, she walked away. Try this and let me know how it works. Good luck!

[copaisking]

Hi Guys

 

again, you're advice is really appreciated, and to see everyones different views is fascinating. IslandGirl, you seem to have hit the nail on the head. She basically doesn't like the fact that i'm not initiating any sort of contact with her. I feel as if she is now justifying the break up with 'I never really knew him', and that is making her feel better about herself. Today I woke up with this email in my myspace inbox:

 

"if im correct, your blog about leaving says youve had a dream hidden for so long....and the "******" coincidentally has the same number of stars as letters in the word "acting". I was with you for 4 months and never once heard anything serious about you having a passion for acting???!! Just goes to show the theory I possess about you to be true: I never really knew the real Dave, which makes me sad."

 

This kind of stuff is really messing my head up! Of all the people that I have met in Los Angeles in the past 4 years, she's one of about 5 who know the real me, who have gotten behind all my walls of insecurity, and trust me, she saw the best of me. I'm not perfect but it was like, I didn't even have to try to worship this girl, and at the beginning, she did me.

 

I also like the way that she has whittled our relationship down to 4 months.... we dated for 5 1/2 months!

 

It's killing me knowing that she thinks that she never knew the real me, but as you guys said, I don't just want to be another 'satellite' of an ex-boyfriend. Writergirl, I really appreciate your input, but honestly, I have this huge fear of rejection from Nic, and if that happens, it will just send me back to square 1, and I don't know if I can do that to myself. I mean, i've hardly moved on at all this month, but the pain has gotten better.

 

RecordProducer, could you explain more about the push/pull theory?

 

This all feels horrible, but thank you everyone, and happy Easter/ Passover

[Island Girl]

IslandGirl, you seem to have hit the nail on the head.

 

I was her. I know the game she is playing all too well.

I left casualties in my wake. I created stalkers because of the mental crap she is pulling with you now.

 

She is trying to get you to profess yourself and show dedication to her. That was all real love and meant everything to you -- that she means everything to you.

 

But in reality she KNOWS all of this.

 

She wants you to love her and be there for her - even though she doesn't want you.

 

It sucks. It is mentally twisted.

 

But do not buy in.

 

The ones who are telling you to play games and keep up contact - to contact period -- or push and pull -

they do not understand you are not up to the challenge of this girl.

 

I mean no disrespect.

 

But she is a master manipulator.

She can manipulate you via e-mail and make you want to rip your hair out and make your heart leap into your throat and drop to the pit of your stomach.

 

I am telling you the best way to handle it.

 

She is not serious about saying anything of value to you unless she is begging to see you and talk to you.

 

The only thing that is viable in any e-mail is "I want you back".

Anything else is just an orchestrated mind game used to get you to react. Any response is a reaction BTW.

 

And even IF she said that in e-mail, or in person, she must back that up with action FOR A WHILE before you can be safe enough to start investing yourself at all.

 

If there is a second chance you must go slowly and keep your wits about you.

[letters]

I had written a note earlier, saying I agreed with writergal that you initiate contact with her again. I was of that opinion, becuase I felt it would help cauterize your heart of the sore she has become.... I believe that a rejection from her in the face of your graciousness could put her in the "ugly" and then your heart would go from seeing "flawless" to seeing "b***cy flaws"--- a feasible way to heal quicker. But if you are doing better... if you have started functioning better already, then stick to the measures you have taken all this while. Only use the cauterization (initiate contact and utilize the expected rejection) if you are still down and need to heal quicker. Just my 2 shillings.. ;-)

[writergal]

Letters and I are right...you really need to contact her for your own mental health and peace of mind. Doing so will put Nic in a realistic light for you that will help you heal much more quickly than worrying and doing nothing.

 

Take my ex for example. Yes he agreed to contact with me again and like you, i was absolutely terrified that he would play games with me and reject me all over again. But you know what? If he does reject me, I won't be devastated because I already got to say EVERYTHING I needed to him face-to-face. And that felt empowering because I did not attach an outcome to it: i.e. he will take me back. So, stop attaching a desired outcome and stop believing in fear because those are both illusions that we hold on to when our significant relationships break apart. I'm learning that holding on to fear of the unknown is crippling to me on a psychological level. Worrying does nothing to change the past or fix the present. And it is physically draining. It is useful for the short-term but when it becomes long-term it can morph into more serious negative emotional states like suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, self-doubt and self-destructive behavior. You do not want to go there because of this woman.

 

And all your guesswork as to her Myspace email communications to you is going to continue to drive you mad and give you more anxiety that is un-necessary if you don't take control and contact her.

 

For the other posters to accuse Nic of playing mind games with you is because of their own experiences with relatinonships. People don't play mind games. They have different ways of coping based on their own relationship experiences. And conflict or break-ups in relationships shows us our partner's level of coping; it's on a spectrum of really healthy to really unhealthy. And it's up to each of us to determine what we are comfortable with and can tolerate from our partner as far as how they choose to cope and communicate when conflict occurs.

 

You will not set yourself back if you talk to Nic face to face, unless you do so with a desired outcome of trying to get back the past. The past is gone. You can choose to contact her with the intention of clearing up confusion you both have about what happened, and you can request that she give the relationship a second chance to focus on re-establishing emotional intimacy without the familiar physical intimacy, and just take things really slow. It is up to her to decide of course if and when she is ready to do that. These men you describe as satellites who revolve around her, made that choice for themselves. That is not Nic's doing and I highly doubt she is playing with these men or with your feelings. She probably has low self esteem and the way she copes is to get into relationships where she knows the man will take care of her every need, thinking that her issues that need to be fixed, will be fixed by her boyfriend. I know women like Nic and this is what I have witnessed. Women like Nic set it up so they will be taken care of emotionally in a relationship, instead of fixing their emotional issues themselves. When their partner (you in this case) catches on to this, and gets tired of the constant caretaking role and asks to have his needs met by her, she rejects him and breaks up with him because deep down, she feels inadequate to herself. So how could she be strong enough for another person? This is where the label of manipulator comes into play. It's a self-preserving type of behavior. For whatever reason, that is how Nic's romantic relationships go. She will never change unless she wants to confront her own fears about her own inadequacies. She can never be an equal partner in a relationship and give emotionally unless she confronts herself about the fact that SHE is responsible for fixing her own emotional problems, not you or anyone else. That said, you can still be in a relationship with her again as long as you set up boundaries with her that protect you emotionally and force her to do some work on herself. We cannot meet our partner's needs 100% of the time. That is a common, and unrealistic expectation in relationships. That is where friends and family and hell, therapists come into play. No one can be 100% to everyone in their life. Does that make sense?

 

I HAD to contact my ex again and meet him face to face, otherwise, I knew I would remain stuck in a limbo of hell i.e. anxiety, insomnia, and self-doubt if I didn't remain true to myself. I was scared as hell. But I moved through my fear and did it anyway. I'm prepared for his rejection of me and if he does reject me after this easter weekend, I will be hurt and disappointed but I will be RELIEVED because I got everything off my chest when I met my ex in person. I told him everything I had been thinking and feeling and it felt I had released a ton of bricks, that I'd been carrying around with me for 3 months after he broke up with me.

 

So reconsider what you want from Nic - what you need from her. Then, talk to her over the phone or face to face and let go of your fear of falling backwards. You will never move onward if you don't face the fear. And you may see Nic in a whole new light, for her flaws and realize she really doesn't meet your needs the way you deserve, and that will as letters wrote, cauterize your heart and help you heal a lot faster. Right now you've given Nic all the control over how you feel and that's not right. Only you can control you.

[Blah Toolz]

WriterGal actually does bring up a good point -- I just had a long phone call with my recent ex of five years, and I told her "I respected her decision, I learned a lot from my mistakes and what I can do in the future, and that if she wants to work on our relationship then to call me."

 

And it made me feel a lot better, because I know she still cares for me, but that we both need to work on things for ourselves. She nearly begged to be able to talk to me still even though we weren't going out, but I said after our five years, it would be too difficult to just leap right into friendship. For both our sakes.

 

It takes a huge weight off my chest of 'what if,' and 'if I had only done this,' because I laid it all out on the table, and let her know I wasn't going to be a doormat.

[copaisking]

thanks again, but honestly, i'm not ready to face her. I'm so angry that she is doing this to me, she's the one who broke up with me, yet she can't just let it lie. When I take a step out of the frame, I can see why she is doing it, she doesn't want to think that she didn't know me... but even if she didn't know the real me (she's one of 5 in this city that actually really knew me), why is she bothered? she dumped me! she broke my heart! Why is she even bothering to check up on me? In the past, when I have finished with girls, I literally, have no contact with them for at least 6 months, because i'm genuinely not interested in them anymore, I want them to be happy and I know that if I keep in contact that would be giving them false hope.

 

I kind of want to write her a hand written letter and send it:

 

Did you know the real me?

 

The real me was the person that dropped all of my barriers to the stealth tank that is Nicole. The person who fell so deeply, so quickly, against all my better judgement. The person that couldn't leave you alone, the person who has never felt that way before in his life, the person that always looked back at you . The one who looked after you for your first Christmas away, and your birthday, the person who when you were sick, looked after and doted over you, who went to the store at 4am to get you whatever it was you needed... the person that cried when you told me about your childhood, tears welled up when I saw the picture of you as a kid with that dog, I knew that was about that time, the person who put you in a safety net and ferociously protected you from everything. Who is the real me? The real me is the one that gave you everything I had, and when you rejected it, the real me respected and accepted it. The real me promised to make you happy, and when I apparently could do that no more, the real me let you go. The real me discovered feelings that I never thought were possible when I was with you, then I discovered the other end of the spectrum, and came through the darkness a stronger person. The real me showed you unconditional love, the real me would have done anything in the world for you, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Nicole, trust me, you know the real me, you're one of the handful in the world that do know the real me, the sweet me, the trusting me, the unconditional me. Now the real me has to look after me, which is what i'm doing. I will never mean to cause you any pain at all, I genuinely wish you all of the success in the world, the real me knows that you are going to be a star, and the real me has his fingers crossed for you that you are happy in everything and all things that you do.

 

This, is the real me, the me that you know and love. This is David with no show, no happy happy exterior, no making fun of people... no barriers, you know this person, as the real me is how I was with you all the time, no holds barred, the loving, doting, funny, sometimes emotional me.

 

Did you know the real me?

[Island Girl]

For the other posters to accuse Nic of playing mind games with you is because of their own experiences with relatinonships. People don't play mind games.

 

People sure do play mind games.

 

I did.

And, sadly, I was really really good at it.

Just like this girl is.

 

Proof of that are the exes still around - waiting - used as ego boosters at any given time.

[letters]

thanks again, but honestly, i'm not ready to face her. I'm so angry that she is doing this to me, she's the one who broke up with me, yet she can't just let it lie. When I take a step out of the frame, I can see why she is doing it, she doesn't want to think that she didn't know me... but even if she didn't know the real me (she's one of 5 in this city that actually really knew me), why is she bothered? she dumped me! she broke my heart! Why is she even bothering to check up on me? In the past, when I have finished with girls, I literally, have no contact with them for at least 6 months, because i'm genuinely not interested in them anymore, I want them to be happy and I know that if I keep in contact that would be giving them false hope.

 

I kind of want to write her a hand written letter and send it:

 

Did you know the real me?

 

The real me was the person that dropped all of my barriers to the stealth tank that is Nicole. The person who fell so deeply, so quickly, against all my better judgement. The person that couldn't leave you alone, the person who has never felt that way before in his life, the person that always looked back at you . The one who looked after you for your first Christmas away, and your birthday, the person who when you were sick, looked after and doted over you, who went to the store at 4am to get you whatever it was you needed... the person that cried when you told me about your childhood, tears welled up when I saw the picture of you as a kid with that dog, I knew that was about that time, the person who put you in a safety net and ferociously protected you from everything. Who is the real me? The real me is the one that gave you everything I had, and when you rejected it, the real me respected and accepted it. The real me promised to make you happy, and when I apparently could do that no more, the real me let you go. The real me discovered feelings that I never thought were possible when I was with you, then I discovered the other end of the spectrum, and came through the darkness a stronger person. The real me showed you unconditional love, the real me would have done anything in the world for you, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Nicole, trust me, you know the real me, you're one of the handful in the world that do know the real me, the sweet me, the trusting me, the unconditional me. Now the real me has to look after me, which is what i'm doing. I will never mean to cause you any pain at all, I genuinely wish you all of the success in the world, the real me knows that you are going to be a star, and the real me has his fingers crossed for you that you are happy in everything and all things that you do.

 

This, is the real me, the me that you know and love. This is David with no show, no happy happy exterior, no making fun of people... no barriers, you know this person, as the real me is how I was with you all the time, no holds barred, the loving, doting, funny, sometimes emotional me.

 

Did you know the real me?

 

Send her this letter! If I were Nicole, I'd melt after reading this.

[Blah Toolz]

People sure do play mind games.

 

I did.

And, sadly, I was really really good at it.

Just like this girl is.

 

Proof of that are the exes still around - waiting - used as ego boosters at any given time.

 

So they would boost your ego, would this include fooling around with them?

 

If you really wanted to get back together with them, what would you have said/done?

 

I just ask this to get a woman's perspective on a similar situation.

[writergal]

Blah Toolz: Thanks! I am glad to see that your conversation with your ex helped you as much as it did. And it proves my point: you were still able to protect yourself by releasing all that emotional weight we carry around with us when things are left "unsaid." You didn't lose yourself or fall back into a state of panic about the relationship just because you talked to her. If anything, you progressed your healing and hers as well, and repaired some of the damage to the relationship and to your psyche. That is something I've tried to accomplish by talking to my ex last week. I am confident he will not contact me after this Easter Weekend and I am aware that I will experience hurt and disappointment again. But I will be okay with that because I have to accept the current circumstances of life as they are which has made me aware that I have control-issues that I need to work on.

 

Island Girl: People don't play mind games. I guess we'll just have to disagree and have different perspectives.

 

Just to clarify, I think people have behavior patterns that range from healthy to unhealthy. People can be manipulative, supportive, relaxed, deceitful. Mind Games then would be behavior driven by a desired outcome. And sometimes that behavior is subconsciously driven.

 

Copaisking: You are on to something. Keep writing and rewriting that letter because 1) it will help you emotionally process your anger and other feelings about what's happened and 2) save the drafts of the letter but don't send it "as is" just yet. Give yourself a few days or a couple of weeks and everytime you have the urge to send Nic an email or text, go back and read previous drafts of that letter to help you process because you may experience insight into how to better cope and handle the break-up, or you may decide you are ready to contact her again.

 

But right now, if you say you are not ready for face to face contact with Nic, then you should continue to vent your emotions out by coming here, and by writing her letters that you have no intention of sending just yet. Because once you send her that letter, again you lack control of the outcome. And right now it's more important for you to maintain control of your healing...writing letters to her, un-edited, that include everything you're thinking and feeling will act as a release for you and you will feel so much better afterwards. Right now you are in the early stages of your emotional recovery. So I would not recommend sending Nic any more communication until you feel more in control.

[Island Girl]

So they would boost your ego, would this include fooling around with them?

 

If you really wanted to get back together with them, what would you have said/done?

 

I just ask this to get a woman's perspective on a similar situation.

 

Yes they'd boost my ego for the moment. The attention was kind of addicting. And I do not for a second doubt that they had very real and deep feelings.

This has been confirmed even decades later.

 

As to the second part of the question, there were degrees of "fooling around". Gestures of affection such as kissing, etc. But even in a monogamous dedicated relationship (initially that is what was had with these men) that to me didn't mean that I'd sleep with them.

 

I did get back together with a lot of them.

There were several that I dumped heartlessly then apologized and explained it away - then dumped the same way. Unfortunately this happened a lot of times.

And there were a handful that this cycle happened repeatedly with.

 

It is a big red flag when a woman has exes hanging around and that she has always dumped them - never having been the dumpee.

[Island Girl]

Just to clarify, I think people have behavior patterns that range from healthy to unhealthy. People can be manipulative, supportive, relaxed, deceitful. Mind Games then would be behavior driven by a desired outcome. And sometimes that behavior is subconsciously driven.

 

That is what mind games are all about. Driven by a desired outcome. Which is exactly what manipulation and deceit are about.

People are manipulative to achieve a desired outcome.

 

You just proved people do in fact play mind games.

 

Not that I in any way needed proof. I was there, got the trophy, and handed out the T-shirts.

 

As my brother says, I now use my powers for good.

[Hersheys]

Don't send the letter.

 

Too much analysis from you but what is Nicole doing to give you any hope of a reconciliation? None.

 

She dumped you. She's hasn't said anything about going back to you. She should be the one writing letters, not you!

[D-Lish]

Don't send the letters and stick to the NC.

 

Listen to Island Girl- she always provides insightful advice.

 

Your girl knows how to manipulate. Why do you think she has ex's hanging around? She gives them hope and keeps them around to fuel her ego.

 

Her need is simple- she doesn't want to be with you or her ex's... but she doesn't want to lose the adoration. From everything you have said she has a pattern of doing this with guys.

 

Her ex's have stayed in contact and keep making declarations of love for her... but she didn't take them back. What makes you think that following their lead will bring her back to you?

 

Her behaviour is textbook manipulation. That myspace e-mail giving you crap for talking to other women and playing the "how could you do this so soon" card just screams that she is trying to control you and the situation. Don't give her the satisfaction. She broke up with you! She doesn't have the right to question what goes on with your myspace or who you see.

 

Just look at her history- it's a pattern. She's a heart breaker and a master at manipulating men.

 

I'd stick to the NC. If nothing else it will give you a break from all this.