Shy guys and bad communication

[Mikah]

What I'm dealing with is a shy guy.... he is 22 years old and has never had a girlfriend. As far as I know, he's never even been kissed by a girl before. I don't even know where to begin.

 

I work with the guy. A friend of his came up to me 2 months ago and said he liked me a lot. I kept getting to know him. He finally asked me out to the movies... we hung out a LOT the first couple weeks of getting to know each other. I came over to his house to watch movies and play video games with him tons....and now. well it's been a month or so, we went on a few more group dates with some friends... like bowling and the movies... we went snowboarding about 3 weeks ago, and he finally told me how he liked me so much. I told him, "I like you too! :D" of course. I asked him questions... I tried not to get too personal, but he mentioned he has never had a girlfriend. I briefly told him about my last boyfriend. Not much though. I tried beating around the bush to whether he considers me his girlfriend now or not... I say "going out?" like trying to figure if he means this is a relationship. he reponded "Yeah, I mean we've been going out on dates and stuff right?" Doesn't really answer my question, and I was too shy to directly ask him.

 

A week later from snowboarding... there was this girl. We'll call her Amy. She was nonstop flirting and leaning on him. It made me uncomfortable as I had to work in the same area and try to ignore it. She flirts with everyone and has a boyfriend, so it shouldn't have bothered me so much right?

 

I send him a text saying I don't know about this whole dating a coworker thing, again... was overreacting. I still really liked the guy. I guess I was testing him to see how he would respond. I didn't find it fair that he wasn't doing anything about Amy being all over him at work. Maybe he wasn't used to the attention? He explains himself that he doesn't try to talk to her at all, and that it wasn't like that. This was on a Friday.

 

We ended up not talking all weekend. I finally get the courage to text him to get on MSN (online messenger), I explain to him, 'i'm sorry for overreacting' blah blah blah. so, we talked things through and things seemed OK once again. I thought things were going to be fine.... but this was the turning point.

 

For about 2-3 weeks we ended up not spending time together at all. Maybe because we already see each other at work? ( I work 2-3 days with him, since I am part time). We just don't communicate at all. I figure he is busy, and I don't want to push him to spend Every weekend with me.

 

This last weekend, I suggested we go to Comicon, which is a comic book convention. : -) We go on Saturday and get Jewel Staite's autograph (woo! lol) but the entire day was awkward and quiet. We get out of there at around 6, and give the signed poster to our friend Bradford. He asks us what we're up to, and hang out with him at his place for about 15 minutes. I try to hint at him and ask him if he wants to 'call it a night' and he asks me if I'm tired. I say "so so, not too horribly tired". He doesn't say a WORD AFTER THAT... so we are headed in my house's direction and I am assuming I am going home.

 

I can't figure out why it is so hard to communicate with this guy?

 

We reach my town and at a stop light I mention, 'I really miss doing game nights and movies... and whatever else with you.' He goes "Shoot! we could have done that today." then another awkward silence. so I laugh and say it's no big deal. I'm home at 7 PM, and the weather is summery nice out. I feel like it was such a short day.

 

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday go by without a text or phone call. (he doesn't talk on phones much anyway, but no text? that was weird) I show up for work on Wednesday. I at least say hi to him when I saw him in the morning... but, that was it. We didn't talk at all since Saturday. Now it is harder than ever to talk to him because I don't feel like I know what to say to him anymore.

 

I feel like he is leaving me in the dark here, or getting bored of me? I have been trying really hard to spend some one on one time with him, but have failed time and time again. (lol)

 

What is your guys's take on this?

 

 

EDIT:

 

I also admit, I didn't do the greatest job to trying to spend more one on one time with him... I beat around the bush (AKA woman speak. lol) but I am shy as well. I just don't get how it can change so quickly from text messages saying 'I missed you at work!' the week before, to... acting like we're not even acknowledging each other in a room! I really wish I knew how to go about this. :-/

[Trialbyfire]

You're either going to have to take the initiative with this guy or move on. He's so passive that it's turned into a project.

 

So...if you're bound and determined to get a straight answer from him. Ask him outright. "Are you still interested in me?" If his answer is "yes", then ask him for an exclusive relationship, which includes more time spent together. I suspect you're probably going to have to arrange dates, as well.

 

If he hedges like saying "well, I like you as a friend" or "no", you've got your answer.

 

I have to admit that I'm not getting why you're so into this guy. He's A LOT of work.

[zhsoj]

Ah... Yes... Well I'm a shy guy with shy friends, so I understand the frustration.

 

I'd suggest not being ambiguous. He doesn't know what he is doing. I'd say keep things light. Keep them simple. If he isn't being talkative then try to be more light-hearted and crack some jokes. He /should/ open up given time. Don't be too cautious about making somewhat risqué jokes either, just go with the flow. If he isn't being physical enough, then take his hand in yours or place it around you. If you show him what you like and that it's alright then after the first few times he should pick up on it and do it on his own.

 

I'm all too aware that most women are not used to the role reversal. I really don't think being forward with women comes natural to most guys; most just tend to learn and make those mistakes when they are younger. Either way it gives you an opportunity to see the other side. If you think you can handle it, give it a whirl and see what happens.

 

@Trialbyfire: Hey now, we shy guys have a lot to offer if you give us a chance, or 10 :-D I'm not saying that we are for everyone or that we should be given unlimited patience, but we do tend to open up over time. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

[Mikah]

So I was sent a text yesterday evening, saying 'I'm sorry but I don't think we should go out anymore. I'm just not feeling it anymore. but we can still be friends'.

 

I sent him a text message back asking, "oh that kinda sucks. : [ did I do something wrong?" in which he responded, "no you didn't do anything wrong. it's all my fault. a girlfriend for myself now was the wrong thing for me to do."

 

huh?

 

It's motivating me to read the 'how not to get friendzoned' threads. lol.. it sucks, and I'm going to be wondering what I did wrong. I've decided if you have to put THAT much effort into things, and wonder that much if things are working out, and there not being any good communication... it's a bad sign. I feel like I am the opposing side of a magnet when it comes to shy guys. It sucks!

 

I have been spending endless hours since those text messages, trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and why he decided he didn't like me anymore. My confidence is at an all-time low.

 

Is it really possible to just not be feeling it anymore, after being told 'they really like you' 3 weeks back? Maybe if we had got to know each other as friends first it would have taken the 'pressure' off of us. I felt like because I was being so 'careful' about how the relationship was going, I was being 'too careful'.

[BobSacamento]

My perspective on this whole scenario is that there is nothing wrong with you. You did pretty much everything right. You even made good suggestions for things to do and stuff like that.

 

Did you two ever kiss? Not to be personal but I just get the feeling this dude is a mega wuss and couldn't build up the courage to make a move.

[Mahatma]

My perspective here is there is nothing wrong with either of you.

 

Why do you "like" him? What is there between you two that is so good? Sounds to me like neither of you are really good for each other.

[Mikah]

We never kissed. I kept thinking of taking the initiative on that one, but I guess he was already losing interest in me at the time, as we never hung out one on one anymore.

 

I liked that we had a lot in common. I got a little attached to a few memories I had with him the first month we hung out. I liked hanging out with him in his room. or going to PF Changs with him and his family. Or at our friend Christina's comic book store. stuff like that... I feel like it's unfair that was it was only a week ago that he sent me a text message saying 'he missed me at work today'.

 

apparently you Can lose interest in someone in a little less than a week?

 

I hated that I felt like I couldn't be myself. Things I found to be funny, he didn't. I didn't like that we were both so uncomfortable in each other's company. My sister did say something that was sort of mean... I think she was just doing it to cheer me up. She said she felt like she was talking to a wall, whenever she talks to him, and that he was really good at killing conversations. (lol)

 

Earlier today I found out something weird. So he missed the last two days of work, Thursday and Friday (which is really odd, in his case. he never misses work!) and our friend Bradford, carpools with him. He didn't show up, or even call Bradford to say he wasn't going to work today or to pick him up. He won't return our friend Bradford's calls, either! My friends say it seems like something weird is going on, and that it's like he's dropped from the face of the planet.