Curious-One Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I am kinda in the same boat as op. I do not have any close female friends. If i get a girls number and find out she isnt interested or i am not iterested than i will delete her number. I will not try to hangout with her just to be friends. Honestly i perfer hanging out with my guy friends over a girl friend any day. Talking about sports video games politics etc is way more fun than talking about shopping and drama.
ruggy Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Friends. I guess its possible. Then again, so is hell on Earth.
paddington bear Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Friends with guys who already in a couple and you see the guy alone sometimes and with his girlfriend/wife at other times = good friendship, everyone knows where they stand, you also don't get so close to them as they already have someone to share their hopes and dreams with and to be emotionally intimate with, you're just the hang out with buddy. For me men already coupled-up are instantly off the radar for anything more than friendship, my mind just doesn't go there and it's all nice and easy. Friends with guys who are single when I am single = BAAAAAAD idea. The relationship can get quite close, both using the other person as a kind of substitute boyfriend/girlfriend, when one person inevitably meets someone else the best friend of the opposite sex gets left behind, all the emotional closeness gets transferred onto someone else and you're left with nothing, or rather a very altered friendship from what you started out with. Also like (sorry should have quoted the post) poster above while single even if I'm not initially attracted to some guy, if we become close friends I will fall for him, it's hard not to when you're having fun with someone, sharing your innermost thoughts etc. Scientifically they have proven that, that the more contact and time you spend with someone, the more attractive they grow in your eyes, hence it's easier to get dates, meet people when you see them every day such as in college or in a work environment, familiarity breeds, not contempt, but a growing attractiveness. There seems to be the general notion here that women put guys in the friendszone - but I'm on round 2 of guys doing that to me. I'm slim, attractive, fun to be around, have plenty of friends and a great social life, guys hit on me when I go out dancing etc - basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm not some horrible, boring hag that no one wants, so I find it very strange that a second man who I got very close to emotionally seems to have absolutely zero sexual interest in me at all even though he's single and available - and yes, maybe he's just not that into me, as the book says and yet I feel like a 'normal' guy would at some point, since he's available and I'm available, think in terms of me as a sexual being...but obviously not. I think of course men and women can be friends, it's not the friendship that is the real question, it's how close that friendship is. So, you can be friends, but can you be very close intimate tell each other everything type friends with a member of the opposite sex? I think not, well, not without things becoming confused for at least one half of the pair. I agree with whoever said that friendship would only work for them when they're already having sex with someone or in a relationship. Same goes for me. I've made a new rule, I am not making friends with any more single guys until I have a boyfriend, otherwise I know with me, inevitably things will get complicated. I don't know for men, but for me and I'd say a lot of women, sexual feelings and feelings of being attracted to someone go up the longer you are around them and the more you know them, so becoming close to an available man is simply going to lead to emotional complications, unrequited love and all that. By already having a boyfriend/girlfriend, well then none of that will happen as there is someone there providing all those things you need and the opposite sex friend will be firmly in the friend box from day one and remain there.
Els Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I think of course men and women can be friends, it's not the friendship that is the real question, it's how close that friendship is. So, you can be friends, but can you be very close intimate tell each other everything type friends with a member of the opposite sex? I think not, well, not without things becoming confused for at least one half of the pair. I agree 100%. Yes, I've been surprised how many guys whom I thought were just friends turned out to actually have been hiding feelings for me. But I also have some, whom I didn't really share deep stuff with, but just hung out with very often and enjoyed similar hobbies, who have remained solely friends for years. Wow, somedude, you won't even be FRIENDS with a girl unless she's pretty? Of all the shallow things I've heard about physical attractiveness and girls, that sure takes the cake. Better hope you're either drop-dead hot or that those pretty girls whom you WANT to be friends with are slightly less shallow than you, then. Oh wait, you guys call them frigid bitches if they aren't, right? While you're just 'being a man'?
Trialbyfire Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Oh sure, there are men and women who try to get close to you through friendship, with ulterior motives. Keep in mind that some are just gauging who you are first, before deciding to take the plunge. I have two types of male friends. One pool is my dating pool, guys who have either expressed interest in the past or are in some way, showing interest. When interacting with these guys, they're kept at a friendly distance, especially when I'm involved with someone else. I also have some close male friends who are primarily married to my close female friends. They're like brothers to me and where we would do anything for each other, at the drop of a hat. I've "borrowed" these guys from their wives, all upfront, for male advice on problematic males, haha... So, as long as you maintain your boundaries and understand your friends, sex and romance doesn't always come with the territory of cross-gender friendships.
happyinlove Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I think it changes as we get older. I used to think that way also that women and men can never be friends. But never say never because I've met a few guys out there who are pretty cool and mature that when a woman talks to them doesn't mean this woman are interested in them. It's all about being mature enough to see that not everybody is interested in having sexual relations but having good friendships. It really has to do with the intentions of both people, men and women. If you have the same intentions such as just meeting cool people to talk to, then friendship is the way to go!
spookie Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 My best friend is a guy. He's gay. It's easier for me to relate to guys for some reason, so most of my "quick" friendships start with guys. I don't have ulterior motives usually, I just enjoy their company, and while I may find them attractive, unless I'm in love with the person I prefer to be single, and I don't tend to be in love with my friends. However, I agree. It is difficult. For me the story goes like this: we're friends for months, just friends, and then they declare their feelings. I feel weird and turned off but willing to move past it. They decide either they can't hang out with me anymore, or they'll suck it up, so we either part ways, or end up in a complex relationship which makes both of us miserable.
somedude81 Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Wow, somedude, you won't even be FRIENDS with a girl unless she's pretty? Of all the shallow things I've heard about physical attractiveness and girls, that sure takes the cake. Better hope you're either drop-dead hot or that those pretty girls whom you WANT to be friends with are slightly less shallow than you, then. Oh wait, you guys call them frigid bitches if they aren't, right? While you're just 'being a man'? One thing I need to point out because I haven't made it clear by using because I used the wrong words. I don't want to be JUST friends with any girl. I have no interest in making any more platonic female friends no matter how hot or ugly she is. I've been down that road too many times. My opinion will probably change once I have an active sex life. But between now and then, I don't want any girls in my life that are just friends. Acquaintances are fine but I'm not going to spend time with just me and her unless it's a date. Meaning I'm not going to hang out with a girl on repeated occasions if we arern't dating or hooking up.
samspade Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 There was a girl I was friends with for ten years (but actually wanted sexually). I know she knew it. But I never made a move, and we remained platonic... Until I finally owned my desires and made a move on her. We wound up sleeping together. We were living in different regions by that point so nothing blossomed from it, romantically speaking. But we are still friends and remain in touch. While I don't recommend a guy wait ten years like I did - this story is clearly exceptional - I do think you need to take your shot and risk rejection, preferably early on, so you're not tormented by questions of "what if." It's easier for me to relate to guys for some reason, so most of my "quick" friendships start with guys. I don't have ulterior motives usually, I just enjoy their company, and while I may find them attractive, unless I'm in love with the person I prefer to be single, and I don't tend to be in love with my friends. I don't think most women have ulterior motives in these situations. The guys do, though, and they wind up doing what you described. I used to do this kind of thing when I was much younger, and I always felt so stupid afterward. Now I know better. If I'm attracted to a girl, I won't allow her to be any more than an acquaintance, and I go from there trying to determine if the attraction is mutual. Honestly, I think it's a question of whether a man is a) willing to flirt instead of be "friendly" (not that the two are mutually exclusive), and b) make a move, and make it early on. Of course, it all depends on the signals he's getting from her, as well.
monkey00 Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 It seems the girls I've been friends with have come and gone out of my life depending on who they're dating at the time, where my male friends have stayed pretty consistent. That's a true friend, IMO. I find that to be pretty true. That's why I'm not exhilarated about having the whole female friend thing because most of the time they are unreliable. Anyway I'm a single guy and over the years I've made quite a bit of female friends that are in relationships and single. Though I will have to say it takes quite a bit of maturity from both sides to acknowledge the friendship and nothing more. The female friends I do have aren't the conventional sense of friend. We're more like activity partners or we're all involved within the same circle of friends...I don't moan or complain to them about my problems, but for the ones I'm closer with - if given the opportunity I might ask them for advice. Though I'll admit the ones in my life, I have no interest at all to get into their pants. However over the years I've also screwed over some male-female friendships easily just by asking them out on a date...that was enough to signal an ulterior motive. Oh well. I think it's also a thin line to walk sometimes with a female friend, some could be perfectly fine with watching a movie with you in a theater and not think of it as anything more - and some might even. Or if you asked one out to lunch - depending who would misinterpret it. But TBH, I could care less if I had zero female friends as I find it to be overrated. Most of my female friends I hang out with every now and then or maybe once a month - anymore would not be worth my emotional/mental/time investment because there'd be no future with them. I think some guys complain too much about falling into the friends zone with women. Women fall as much if not more so than the guys do. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Author confused_2008 Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 The female friends I do have aren't the conventional sense of friend. We're more like activity partners or we're all involved within the same circle of friends...I don't moan or complain to them about my problems, but for the ones I'm closer with - if given the opportunity I might ask them for advice. Though I'll admit the ones in my life, I have no interest at all to get into their pants. That's my feeling too. That's why I say they're more acquaintances than a real friend. There's really no depth to the relationship like with my a few of my close guy friends. Not that I sit around talking about my feelings, but at least we give a $hit about each others lives beyond "Oh dude, that sucks. Hope that works out for you." The only girl I would say is close to this genuine friendship is basically engaged to one of my roomates. And you know what? I would jump at a chance at dating this girl. I know nothing would ever happen, and even if she would ever feel anything, I know she wouldn't act on it. And I respect my roommate too much as well. My point is, if these boundaries weren't clearly drawn for us, it could get confusing.
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