ToGuy Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Wife 40 and I'm 42, and now she wants kids. Looking for some input, pro's and cons. Even iuf we had one now, kid would 20 and she would 61 and I would 63... Which section of the forum should I post this question? Thanks. 1
Eve Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Personally I think you are both too old. A child or two may fill a gap but it will be difficult for the child to have old parents from 10 years old and onwards. I see my neighbours struggling as such all the time. Then again, it could all work out. Do what you feel is right. Less energy due to age is usually balanced by wisdom and financial security. BUT from a Lily Allen inspired point of view, I dont see the ladies looking too good after having babies late in life. Many look as though they have been dug up! Nah, knowing what I know as a parent.. I wouldnt bother if I were in the place of choice you look outward from. Accept that you made other choices. Take care, Eve xx
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 You are not too old by any means. I know alot of couples have their first child when they're 40-ish planned and otherwise. If I could, I would have another one, and I'm 43 (unfortunately I can't). As long as you're both healthy there should be no issue. She may be high-risk but there are alot of tests that can be done to rule out any problems ahead of time, so all the precautions would be known ahead of time. Give it a shot! You only live once, and why not experience one of the greatest joys there is in life. 1
Meaplus3 Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Now a days it seems there are many first time parents who are in their 40's. IMO it's really a personal choice. There are a few more risks involved with pregnancy after age 35.. but, if your wife is in good health and she has a good OBGYN then I'm sure she should have no problems. I Wish you the best of luck. Mea:) 1
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 My wife was 39 and I was 44 when our son was born and it was the best thing that has ever happened to either of us. Each day I wake up and see his wonderful smile I am just reaffirmed that it was the best decision ever and not even close to being a mistake or us being too old. My brother and his wife were 39 and 37 when they had their children ( twins ) and those twins are now 11 years old and they are growing up wonderfully.. Our son is a little over a year old now and quite the little young man.. I don't think there is anything wrong with having children later on in life.. and as far as pros and cons.. I would think those would be different for each couple as each couple has a different lifestyle and the impact of children would be different for each but age isn't a con to me and is actually a pro. I can't have imagined having children when I was younger, I was far to immature, too worried about my career and life and a child when I was younger would've been a mistake 2
Ronni_W Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Wife 40 and I'm 42, and now she wants kids. The way you phrased it, I'm interpreting that you don't really want kids -- is that accurate? If so, it really comes down to are YOU ready to make the commitment to provide for your child's emotional, mental, physical/material and spiritual health and welfare for the next 20+ years? Do YOU want to be responsible and obligated to "serve" your child in that way, for as long as you shall live? Like the others have said, it's not really an age-thing -- for you and your wife, as future parents, it's more a health/fitness thing...and 40 is by no means "ancient and decrepit" . My 75 & 80-year old in-laws are on the golf course every day (in the summer), doing yoga, eating and sleeping well, etc. But. If you do prefer more sedentary (couch-potato) living, then that is something that may also need to be factored into your final decision. I haven't yet heard sane, normal, well-functioning adults ever complain about having kids -- so that's gotta say something about it, too. (I'm childless by choice, so can't relate a personal experience about that.) Hugs, and best of luck.
Ross PK Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 If you're not sure whether you should have kids or not then you shouldn't. It wouldn't be a good idea otherwise. If you regret it or feel that it's too much to deal with then not only will it not be fair on you it wont be fair on the kids either. And personally, like the other poster, I think you're both too old.
samsungxoxo Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 No the worst you can do is have kids just because your wife wants one. Only do it if you really want to, because it comes from you. While there is no age of when to have kids, you still have to consider all the responsibilities there is to it.
Groovy Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Huh? So he's unsure, aren't most men by nature (at any age)? And many of you say she is " too old' . Hogwash.... After age 35 the pregnancy risk is slightly higher....less than 3% BUT the chance of avoiding divorce is MUCH better. So, You may be only SLIGHTLY less fertile but your emotionally and financially a hell of a lot better than these 20 somethings who are pushing babies out before a steady career, marraige and trying to figure out where to go from there. Money is the #1 cause of divorce and when people start out fresh out of high school or college it can create problems later. Not to mention plenty of woman in their 20's smoke, are overweight, etc. What about the 30 something year old who doesn't smoke, isn't overweight (like so many americans) and takes care of herself... I suppose the 27 year old who is a fat smoker and heavy drinker is a better match than the 29 year old marathon runner who takes care? Age is somehat important but when it comes to woman and having kids I feel people are way too judgemental. It's like when your over 35 you develop some kind if cootie. Such a shame....
Author ToGuy Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 "he's unsure, aren't most men by nature (at any age)? " I agree, that is where I'm at, I like kids, I'm a big kid, but baby sitting is one thing, 24/7 is another.... Re: The fitness level, we are both fitness and health nuts, very good shape, we cycle, jog, water ski, Jet Ski (stand up, not the sit down) I recreationally race cars, ride Motorcycle, snow ski, Jet Ski (stand up, not the sit down), and enjoy ultra fast speed boating (my little niece and nephews love the boating!). We travel, and both are career oriented. But not so much that are careers take over are life, we work to live, not live to work.
Ross PK Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Huh? So he's unsure, aren't most men by nature (at any age)? And many of you say she is " too old' . Hogwash.... After age 35 the pregnancy risk is slightly higher....less than 3% BUT the chance of avoiding divorce is MUCH better. So, You may be only SLIGHTLY less fertile but your emotionally and financially a hell of a lot better than these 20 somethings who are pushing babies out before a steady career, marraige and trying to figure out where to go from there. Money is the #1 cause of divorce and when people start out fresh out of high school or college it can create problems later. Not to mention plenty of woman in their 20's smoke, are overweight, etc. What about the 30 something year old who doesn't smoke, isn't overweight (like so many americans) and takes care of herself... I suppose the 27 year old who is a fat smoker and heavy drinker is a better match than the 29 year old marathon runner who takes care? Age is somehat important but when it comes to woman and having kids I feel people are way too judgemental. It's like when your over 35 you develop some kind if cootie. Such a shame.... It's not so much the fitness level or the chances of something being wrong with the kid that I'm thinking about, just the fact for example that when the kid is 10 his parents are going to be 50! whilst most other kids of that age have parents who are in their 20's or 30's.
Groovy Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 The oldest dad I know was 55 when he had a son with a younger woman. He totaled 14 kids. His youngest son was a hottie and I met him in college. He dated my best friend for a year. He was 19 and his dad was 74. I have a friend who popped one out at 43. I'm 36 and want kids. A 56 year old at the office keeps telling me he'll be a dad, lol and had 2 kids in their late 20's. (For my own reasons I'll pass). When I was 20-33 I was busy with a career, having fun, school, etc. And then I dated someone for 3 years who has an older son and understandably didn't feel like doing it again when his son was already a teenager. I also know people have kids 20 years apart. What matters is that two people are prepared to make sacrifices in their own life for little ones. I know how your wife feels at 40 because my clock is ticking at 36. She sees a window of opportunity in her life closing. But if your not interested in a kid at the house 24/7 then I think you just answered your own question. Not that it's the same but what about coaching little league, Big Brother Big Sister, hanging out with the nieces and nephews, etc? I try to fill my maternal side in other ways too since I don't have kids and it's helped. It's a way of being a role model, having influence but also enjoying the lifestyle that not being a parent can have.
Eve Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 "he's unsure, aren't most men by nature (at any age)? " I agree, that is where I'm at, I like kids, I'm a big kid, but baby sitting is one thing, 24/7 is another.... Re: The fitness level, we are both fitness and health nuts, very good shape, we cycle, jog, water ski, Jet Ski (stand up, not the sit down) I recreationally race cars, ride Motorcycle, snow ski, Jet Ski (stand up, not the sit down), and enjoy ultra fast speed boating (my little niece and nephews love the boating!). We travel, and both are career oriented. But not so much that are careers take over are life, we work to live, not live to work. Ok, the level of fitness you both have will probably help out loads. As long as this is not an attempt to bridge anything which is lacking between you.. go for it. I dont know if this helps.. but once the child is here its like you cannot remember what it was like before they came. Everything then fits around them and you want to do it. If your special lady is longing for a child I think it only right that you support her and go through this together. The longing for a child is SO primal.. it is painful beyond belief. Pregnancy is weirdly wonderful, the birth totally mind blowing. From what you have said and the tone I sense, I think that you would be a good Daddy. Talk things through and whether you believe or not pray about it. To be entrusted with a child is the most sacred of all acts we ever can be part of. .. Dont do it if you have any resounding doubts. Take care, Eve xx
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 "he's unsure, aren't most men by nature (at any age)? " I agree, that is where I'm at, I like kids, I'm a big kid, but baby sitting is one thing, 24/7 is another.... Re: The fitness level, we are both fitness and health nuts, very good shape, we cycle, jog, water ski, Jet Ski (stand up, not the sit down) I recreationally race cars, ride Motorcycle, snow ski, Jet Ski (stand up, not the sit down), and enjoy ultra fast speed boating (my little niece and nephews love the boating!). We travel, and both are career oriented. But not so much that are careers take over are life, we work to live, not live to work. Yes, having a child is a lot different from babysitting. That is true, and I'm glad you realize it. 24/7 can be really stressful. Ultimately, I think that you need to really analyze how you feel about having a child because there are a lot of sacrifices you have to make. My Dad was 50 when I was born. It was nice to have an older father who was more stable and chilled out and aware of himself. But OTOH, it was very hard to handle my father dying at the age of 77 when I was 28 (he died 2 days short of his 78th birthday). I certainly wish that I could still have him in my life, and in my son's life. There are pros and cons. I also know that he was a bit uncomfortable socializing with the younger parents of my friends and schoolmates. They were a lot younger than he was, and he had nothing in common with them. Different generation.
Trialbyfire Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Age is insignificant in having children, if the desire and maturity level are there. DO NOT have children for any other reason beyond wanting them! Just ignore the comments about being too old or infertile to have children. If you really want them, where there's a will, there's a way, even to the point of adoption.
RecordProducer Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 DO NOT have children for any other reason beyond wanting them! I agree with this. If you want a child, have one. If your wife wants it badly, and you're OK with it, have it. If you don't want it, then don't have it. Don't rationalize your choice - you either want to be a father or you don't. You are not too old, that's for sure. Just ignore the comments about being too old or infertile to have children. If you really want them, where there's a will, there's a way, even to the point of adoption. The people who told you that you're too old are either too young (20's) and think that people die at age 40 of old age or they always give extreme replies. Talk to your doctors about the risks and disadvantages of having kids at this point. Talking to lay strangers doesn't show much seriousness on your part. Also, how can you ask complete strangers you've never met whether you should have children? It's such a personal decision. Nobody hear has the right or competence to answer that question for you.
Ross PK Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Age is insignificant in having children, if the desire and maturity level are there. DO NOT have children for any other reason beyond wanting them! Just ignore the comments about being too old or infertile to have children. If you really want them, where there's a will, there's a way, even to the point of adoption. I don't think age should be ignored at all. The more older you are, the less in common you'll have with your kids and the less you're going to be able to relate to them.
Eve Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I don't think age should be ignored at all. The more older you are, the less in common you'll have with your kids and the less you're going to be able to relate to them. I agree Ross. If the poster is as fit as he states (and also his wife) then this should compensate in some regards.. but yeah, as for things in common thats a hard one to bridge. Its up to them. Most kids of aging parents do worry about them dying. I think thats harsh... but people do what they want to do regardless. Take care, Eve xx
Eve Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 The people who told you that you're too old are either too young (20's) and think that people die at age 40 of old age or they always give extreme replies Was that aimed at me? I see that you are a prime member of the TBF fanclub, which is cool but in future make comments towards the poster and not indirectly at me, ok. I dont play with people here and will not be played with by anyone. Be at least direct or shut up. Take care, Eve xx
Trialbyfire Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I don't think age should be ignored at all. The more older you are, the less in common you'll have with your kids and the less you're going to be able to relate to them. You're a parent, not a friend or a peer. For that matter, how many teenagers do you know who don't consider their parents lame?
Trialbyfire Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Was that aimed at me? I see that you are a prime member of the TBF fanclub, which is cool but in future make comments towards the poster and not indirectly at me, ok. I dont play with people here and will not be played with by anyone. Be at least direct or shut up. Take care, Eve xx Actually, RP and I butt heads on a number of issues, so that's inaccurate. Sometimes in the past, we've really gone at it.
HappyAgain Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 So my parents were 40 when they had me, did I spend my whole life worrying that they were going to die? No. So I guess people at 50 can't possibly play ball with their children or drive their kids to dance lessons. If yu have no experience with something, don't bother giving an unimformed opinion.
Eve Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Actually, RP and I butt heads on a number of issues, so that's inaccurate. Sometimes in the past, we've really gone at it. I dont know what you mean. My post was to another poster.. not to you. Are you saying that the comment was directed at Ross and not towards me? Take care, Eve xx
Eve Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 If yu have no experience with something, don't bother giving an unimformed opinion. If you must know my parents were older and I did worry about things as such. Once again, direct the post to make sense to the poster not from a childish fascination with trying to embarrass other people. Useless comments... Take care, Eve xx
Trialbyfire Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 I dont know what you mean. My post was to another poster.. not to you. Are you saying that the comment was directed at Ross and not towards me? Take care, Eve xx I don't know who, where or how the comment was directed, whether it was directed to anyone specifically at all. Overall, the issue of older parents isn't really an issue. Even the stats associated to older parents are non-issues. If anything, maturity level and fiscal security trumps all, as far as I'm concerned. If I hurt anyone's feelings by negating their advice, my apologies. While it's no excuse to do so, this is one of those issues I do feel strongly about. Parenting isn't just about strong sperm, young eggs or the ability to throw a ball around. If anything, that's just the very tip of the iceberg for having children. There are too many irresponsible and crappy parents around and I will state emphatically, that people who don't want children, should NOT have them, biological clock or otherwise.
Recommended Posts