silverfish Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 My ex BF broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He said he didn't feel the same way about me anymore after a few arguments. I know I can be quite confrontational during arguments but we did meet to try and work things out. He said 2 weeks ago that he didn't want a relationship with me anymore, but since then he has pushed for friendship, called me for 3 hours and talked about what happened, emailed me and today said he wants to meet up with me. He keeps saying he doesnt want to lose me, but nothing about feeling any different towards me. On the phone he broke down a bit and said he thinks about me all the time and still loves me. I don't understand if he wants to meet to try and work things out to get back with me, or so we can be friends. I have said that I can't be friends yet as I still feel angry and upset at how he treated me, but if it's an in to sorting things out should I go for it? He's very stubborn and cant see him begging to get me back BTW
Flying Burrito Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I think this is a confusing situation for both of you. I've been there and there are no easy answers. What I am reading is that your ex is being clear about what he doesn't want. This is different from saying what he wants. I would say, for your sanity, focus on what YOU want outside of your ex. I'm not advocating game playing. I think the thing to do is go about the business of living your life without your ex. Do what you want. Say what you want. Go where you want, all without regard to your ex. Until further notice, you're single, having fun and letting loose. Until your ex comes around and tells you explicitly (or shows you explicitly, which I think is better) that he wants things to be different, it's still over. In the interim, I'd go out on a couple casual dates with new guys. This will give you some confidence and set the bar anew for your personal value. It's also good to change things up a little.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I agree with the above. It's honestly his loss. Until he can come begging on his feet asking for you to go back to him, you will maintain of a stand of nonchalance and indifference. Think of it this way, you're a free woman who can finally expand your horizons and see what else is out there. Don't let yourself be restricted to one man when there might be others out there whom you'll feel more compatible with.
Ronni_W Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I know I can be quite confrontational during arguments ... today said he wants to meet up with me. Maybe he's hoping/waiting to see that you're learning how to do discussions better, and not just get confrontational and angry? (Or, you could ask him it that is the biggest thing in the relationship that was a turn-off or deal-breaker for him.) If you're interested in doing that for yourself (not just for him but for ALL your relationships), I'd suggest maybe Googling 'effective communication skills', 'effect negotiating', 'finding win-win solutions', 'active listening skills', and other terms along those lines.
Truly Lost Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Its only been three weeks and he is already contacting you? It sounds to me like he doesn't know what he wants. Being without you is starting to sink in and it hurts. Its important that you two work out what was not working in the relationship. Maybe it would be better to work it out as friends and slowly ease back into a relationship, if he is looking to possibly get back together. When you talk to him, ask if it is possible to work something out in the future. Maybe suggest counciling. If you just come out and ask him you won't waste your time if he tells you there is no chance. If there is no chance, then its more important for you to heal yourself and stay away. After all, if you two remain apart it will be because he made it that way.
carhill Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I know I can be quite confrontational during arguments OK, what's the balance? Ask yourself, why would you want to be with a man who browbeat you during arguments? That rope pulls both ways. Maybe you're just incompatible. He's very stubborn and cant see him begging to get me back BTW Would you respect him if he did? Seriously? ......
RecordProducer Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 He said he didn't feel the same way about me anymore after a few arguments. I know I can be quite confrontational during arguments OK, so this is the reason why he broke up. He freaked out that the arguments might get out of control in the future. He's very stubborn and cant see him begging to get me back BTWEverything that you described was practically begging you to come back. Meet with him. He doens't want friendship, he wants you back.
Author silverfish Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 I didn't meet with him but spoke to him on the phone last night as he seemed quite down. We did small talk / catch up, and I ended the convo when he brought up a health issue I have. He was going on at me about not seeing the doctor and I had to go as the main reason I haven't been is because I've been stressing about him and me!! He also sent me a text later saying he had read something I wrote to him that day and it made him realise what 'he'd thrown away'. I sent back that it was his decision, not mine and that I had to go to sleep. Not heard a thing since. I find it a bit strange that he's talking to me about what happened with us as though it's some other girl that broke his heart and not me - the person he dumped. Can't work him out......
Ayla Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Hi, read a book called the Dance of Anger - great book. Really helpful. Highliy recommend it. I agree with Truely Lost - you need to ease back into the relationship. Don;t rush into anything. he needs to work for you, and you need to work on yourself...then you never know what sparks may fly. I really reckon you should read the book, a few times over. Get him to read it too if he is willing.
Author silverfish Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Well I finally met up with him on Friday. i spent the last few weeks taking care of myself, sitting in the sun etc. Before I got there I was telling myself 'I don't fancy him anymore, I'll see him and feel nothing' I honestly believed it would be like that...haha 'whatever' as my son would say. We went out for a few drinks and talked and laughed about what's been going on with both of us. He was very respectful, apologetic, and complimented me on how I looked over and over again. When we said bye, he said again that he wanted us to be friends BUT he said it's because he's seeing the doc this week to start getting help for his anger issues, and 'who knows what may happen in the future'... We spoke on the phone last night and he spent the whole time telling me how much he loves me, his family loves me, he's getting help with his anger, and how some time in the future he hopes things will be different, but he knows he cant ask me to wait around. He said he loves me about 20 times during the conversation but I couldn't say it back. He told me that he thinks about me all the time, and even mentioned marriage at one point - I think he said 'my mum still sees you like her daughter in law'. I laughed and he said 'well who knows what might happen, that's why I want us to stay friends' Its my birthday next week and he wants us to go to the cinema the day before, and said he wants us to write to eachother..... He said he's not ready to be with anyone til he gets his problems sorted out... I don't know what to do now. I want to be friends with him, but I cant just switch off my feelings. I also admire him for getting help for his problems...I don't feel ready to just cut him loose yet
sotired Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 That is a tough call. My boyfriend did something similar. Broke up with me...cut off contact for a while. I was a mess and then got over it...then he started finding stupid reasons to call me. Then he said he wanted to the the "friends thing"....and then he said he was kidding himself and that he really loved me, etc and we got back together about 5 months later. Your guy doesn't really sound shady. I imagine he really is trying to work on himself and that is a good thing! At least he isn't shacked up with another girl....I'd say be his friend. Don't be a doormat and don't always be available for him, but don't cut him out if you want something more in the future. I am willing to bet he'll come to his senses...But make sure you don't fight and argue and make him remember why he broke it off
Author silverfish Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Thanks So Tired and everyone else that has answered my post. I know that the arguments were difficult for him, but not for me, as I am more used to the swings and roundabouts of relationships. Another issue he said he had was that he wanted me next to him the whole time and felt he was possesive and a bit controlling...I think the arguments we had were down to me resisting this side of him. especially the ones regarding my children - nothing major happened btw, it was just niggly things that bothered me about his attitude more than anything. I am very independent and was used to being on my own with my children before he came along. We always planned to move in together and some arguments stemmed from me wanting to iron out difficulties before we got more serious. He has pretty much agreed with everything I said at the time now. He just said that at the time he saw it as me rejecting him, and him always wnting to be right. I can see that us being friends could lead to more in the future, but also that it would hold me back from living my life and possibly being happy. It sounds like there is a chance with him though that he might want to give it another go...I love him as much as he said he loves me yesterday, but right now I cant tell him how I feel because it kills me to know there is nothing I can do but wait..........
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