Author chezmatty Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 You raise some good points. It's interesting, although we have an age difference, we don't look it. She looks young for her age and is very trendy. I often come across as older than I am. People assume we're about the same age. On two occasions, people have thought I was the older one. Our parents are all about the same age. Mine had me when they were a bit older; her's when they were a bit younger. Career-wise and salary-wise we're in similar boats. Her job is slightly higher paying than mine right now. But, I took a different job after our child was born where the hours were less and with more flexibility. No big differences in assets. She's divorced, but it was a short marriage with no kids. Menopause will come, but she's not in it yet. She still has regular full, periods. Outside of the sex, I have to say we do get along really well. We have similar parenting styles and tend to see eye to eye. We spend similarly. We have similar tastes in things. I would venture to say we do love each other deeply---and this is what makes the sex problem all the more puzzling. It's really a disconnect. Sex-wise she has many more experiences than me. She's partied a lot harder. Took drugs I never did and with much more carefree-ness. Her friends are a hip 'urban tribe'. My friends are cool but are loners and artists. Neither of us have old friends in the city where we live, or nearby. I'm a confident but reserved and diplomatic; very 'even tempered'. She's very outspoken and thinks quickly on her feet. She could be a lawyer or like a talking-head on a news program. Here's something--- we were talking yesterday night. She said many of the fun, sexual situations she'd been in in the past came out of spontaneity. She said I "needed to be more spontaneous." Well, I am spontaneous. But, I think what is happening in a way is we both don't have a lot of room for spontaneity. We can't sleep in on weekends. We can't suddenly decide to go out at 11pm. At home, we constantly have to deal with a (almost) 3 year old. I don't find it a problem, and I don't get worn out by it all, much. Evidently, she does. I commented on this in a previous post, so I'd only be repeating myself if I gave advise, but there are some things that have not been discussed.....
AnthonyF Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 You raise some good points. It's interesting, although we have an age difference, we don't look it. She looks young for her age and is very trendy. I often come across as older than I am. People assume we're about the same age. On two occasions, people have thought I was the older one. Our parents are all about the same age. Mine had me when they were a bit older; her's when they were a bit younger. Career-wise and salary-wise we're in similar boats. Her job is slightly higher paying than mine right now. But, I took a different job after our child was born where the hours were less and with more flexibility. No big differences in assets. She's divorced, but it was a short marriage with no kids. Menopause will come, but she's not in it yet. She still has regular full, periods. Outside of the sex, I have to say we do get along really well. We have similar parenting styles and tend to see eye to eye. We spend similarly. We have similar tastes in things. I would venture to say we do love each other deeply---and this is what makes the sex problem all the more puzzling. It's really a disconnect. Sex-wise she has many more experiences than me. She's partied a lot harder. Took drugs I never did and with much more carefree-ness. Her friends are a hip 'urban tribe'. My friends are cool but are loners and artists. Neither of us have old friends in the city where we live, or nearby. I'm a confident but reserved and diplomatic; very 'even tempered'. She's very outspoken and thinks quickly on her feet. She could be a lawyer or like a talking-head on a news program. Here's something--- we were talking yesterday night. She said many of the fun, sexual situations she'd been in in the past came out of spontaneity. She said I "needed to be more spontaneous." Well, I am spontaneous. But, I think what is happening in a way is we both don't have a lot of room for spontaneity. We can't sleep in on weekends. We can't suddenly decide to go out at 11pm. At home, we constantly have to deal with a (almost) 3 year old. I don't find it a problem, and I don't get worn out by it all, much. Evidently, she does. Sorry, she is just making excuses..... It's an old story and frankly tiring. Your spouses excuses are just that and frankly condescending. Eventually someone on this site will say you are the problem and are probably not doing it for her in bed. In addition the MC will only work if she is willing to change, and frankly I doubt she will as she already resents the idea you have to see one. Of course if it was an emotional issue and she was the one suggesting it you'd better be there and get it immediately. No I am not being sexist, but it is one thing to ask someone to be a btter person, emotionally, around the home, spiritually..... as opposed to telling someone to do a physical act (lovemaking, sex), which is what you want from seeing a MC.... See this thread.... You'll see much of the same + my comments.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t184021/ In addition I also added this post from a Savage Love column. If you've never read Dan Savage, he is very funny and bang on in many cases. Google The Stranger.... I like reading him and listening to some of his podcasts (can fast forward). Yes maybe too much extreme sex questions, but certainly fresh interesting takes. Found this one open for discussion..... I hate to disagree, Dan, but you missed the mark when you wrote this: "When we marry, we're signing up to **** someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in ****ing? Don't marry." Dan, people marry for many, many reasons. Sex is only one of them, and sometimes it isn't even high on the list—or on the list at all. Family, friendship, stability, love, someone to grow old with, and on and on. Your surprisingly narrow description of what marriage means needs some rethinking. Thanks for your work, Cacilda Jethá, MD Answer/Response: I'm willing to concede that I left an important subordinate clause out of the sentence that riled you, CJ: "When we marry, we're signing up to **** someone at least semiregularly for decades, among other things..." Marriage can be about all the things you list, but so long as sexual exclusivity is presumed to be a part of marriage—a defining part, according to the right-wingers—spouses have a right to expect sexual activity within their marriages. People who are interested in marriage but not sex—people whose lists only include family, friendship, stability, love, someone to grow old with, and on and on, but not sex—need to inform their prospective spouses of their disinterest in sex before marrying, not after. As I've said a million times: If you don't think that sex is what marriage is all about, mostly about, or even partly about, if sex is something you can live without, that's grand. But you need to marry someone who feels the same way or inform your betrothed of your disinterest in advance. And if you lose interest in sex after you marry, but want your partner to stick around for the family and stability and friendship, I'll let you in on a little secret: The spouse is likelier to stick around if you give the spouse permission to get his or her sexual needs met elsewhere. It never ceases to amaze me how many people who aren't interested in sex—who consider sex to be trivial and unimportant—nevertheless deny their frustrated partners permission to do this trivial, unimportant thing with others.
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