dandytandi Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Hello there, my name is Tandi. I'm a 28 year old female who lives in WA and I've been involved in a LDR since October-ish of last year. I met my SO on WoW. (I've noticed a few people have done this so I don't feel so nerdy.) He is 24 and lives in central CA. It's a 13 hour drive/2 hour flight. This boy fell right into my lap when I wasn't searching or looking for someone to be in a relationship with as I'd just gotten over some serious heartbreak a year previous. In January we decided to meet up and we made plans for me to fly down to California to stay with him for a week. I was nervous (I'm a chubby girl and I made sure he knew what I looked like before I flew down there. Honesty is very important to me.) and he told me that everything would be fine. I flew down there on March 25th and spent the happiest week of my life with him. He was amazing, he made me feel gorgeous and cherished. We held hands, we cuddled, we made love and it was amazing. I had to come home on April 2nd and the days since then have been the most miserable days of my life. I cry almost constantly, I've lost my appetite. I try not letting him know how upset I am because he misses me too. He got really burned in the past by another girl and so I think he wants to do this slow. I would relocate for him if he said the word but he's not working and lives with his dad while he goes to college. He wants to come visit me in the next few months and we've got a voucher for a round trip flight but he doesn't want to make plans right now. We talk daily on AIM and on Ventrilo and on WoW and spend a few hours a night together. We also watch streaming movies on Netflix together. The only thing that's missing in my life is him and it's leaving a huge knot in my throat whenever I think about going to bed alone. I know he cares about me, he's said as much, but neither of us have mentioned the "L" word as of yet. I think we're both scared. I trust him completely and I know he trusts me too. When I left he gave me the shirt he'd been wearing all morning and it smells just like him. My friend (who is also in an LDR and meeting her SO for the first time next month) says I'm acting like I'm grieving for him. I'm tired of feeling like my life is worthless without him, and instead of finding joy in this fantastic thing I've found, this amazing man who truly cares for me, I'm filled with despair and sorrow that I can't be with him RIGHT NOW. That I can't touch him when I want to, run my fingers through his hair, rub his back as he falls to sleep, bury my face in his neck, take a shower with him, hold hands as we watch a movie, cook him dinner and breakfast or watch him sleep. How do you guys cope with the hole left in your chest? I left my heart in California and now I feel empty and sad instead of overjoyed that our first visit was so perfect. I'm tired of feeling so sad.
Bearandsue Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Well let me tell you. The first time my SO got on a plane to leave after living together for 6 months. I cried on my way to the airport and all the next day. It was the worst day of my life. I never felt so alone and depressed. Words cannot describe it. Since then It has been a little(emphasis on little) better. I still cry on the way to the airport when its time to leave. It does get better with time. And you have to look at the positive side of things. Take this time to get to know him better. In my opinion having a long distance allows you to truly know the ins and outs of a person. In the long run it will also make you appreciate and cherish the person when you do finally live together(if that is you ultimate goal). Just try to focus on the positive things. Keep busy and fill your time with hobbies and things you enjoy doing. My SO and I also watch movies together but the way we do it is: We download them from torrent sites then we watch them while talking on Yahoo voice. This is fun as we are watching them in sync. We also watch our favorite TV shows and stand up comedies.
Cora Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Hi dandytandi! Welcome to the forum! LDR's aren't easy in the least. I think Bearandsue had some wonderful advice. You have to look at the positives. You may miss him terribly, and yes that is hard. But isn't it wonderful to know you have someone so special in your life to miss? If possible, plan future visits and look forward to those. I think having something to look forward to helps with the empty feelings of missing him so much. I bet you he misses you just as much! Also, knowing that so many others are in LDR's and experiencing the same feelings as you are should help. I'm sure others will have some great advice for you because they know exactly what you are going through! Hang in there and the best of luck to you!
Rollercoasterr Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 The first time I ever left my fiance at the airport I was devastated. We both just held each other and I cried(he cried a little), we kissed, and then he made a swift break as to not make it any harder. Making the 3 hour drive home from the airport was the longest and hardest drive of my life. I stopped a lot and just cried. I felt like my other half had been violently ripped away from me. There are times when I just want to curl up in a ball and not move, I just can't function without him. I like to tell him that he's the peanut butter to my jelly, and that's what he really is. He's my other completing half. It's so hard to live my daily life without him being here everyday. It hurts so much. But I KNOW that if I didn't have him in my life it would be much harder. During the times that we're apart we make countdowns, we discuss wedding plans, we webcam almost constantly, we look up cute ideas for one another, and we just make sure that the other one knows how much they are loved. It doesn't make it any easier when I wake up the day after he's gone and he's not lying beside me with his arms around me. It gets even worse when I roll over and I can still smell him on my pillow. As weird as it might seem, I wear his shirt most nights to bed and when it gets really bad I spray his pillow with the body spray he uses and I snuggle that at night. It makes me feel closer to him, and that's what I need when I'm feeling down. If you do webcam a lot I would suggest that the next time you see him you give him something of yours. I gave my fiance my manatee webkinz(yeah I like webkinz, what of it? ), and sometimes I'll ask to see Cupcake(the webkinz). When he shows it to me and gives it kisses and stuff it just makes me so so happy because it's something of MINE, and that means we're really connected. Silly, I know. But it works for us. Take this time to get to know each other as much as you can. Mathew and I can just about complete each others sentences and thoughts. I know what his annoyances are, and he knows mine. Because we're so far apart we've learned to talk about everything and anything. I just love him to bits and peices inside and out. I'm sure that it will be the same with you two if your relationship is strong and you know that communication is everything. Welcome to our family!
Island Girl Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Hello dandytandi I completely understand how you feel. I won't bore you with the back story but suffice it to say I have been there over and over - and still - for a while now. When all of this first started I used to curl up in a chair and write. I wrote letter upon letter. Pages upon pages. I know the two of you talk often. But there is plenty that doesn't come out in conversations. The thoughts that run through your head, things you see during your day, just random crap, and your thoughts about all of it. Write. Not only is it therapeutic as far as helping you with how you are feeling, it will help him get to know you in a way most couple don't. My husband knows me better than my own mother. He knows me better than anyone on the planet. All of this because not only do we talk about anything and everything but he'd get pages and pages of my thoughts and he'd just read them. No tangents, no distractions; he'd just read the other parts of my life and day to day activities - and all of my reactions to all of that as well. He knows how my brain works (and sometimes I can't even understand that). LDRs can bring two people closer than it was ever thought possible. But it is up to you if you are going to put that effort in to accomplish that. You could also just curl up in a ball and succumb to the depression. Of course he can't see that but eventually he will sense it and it may become one of those nightmare misunderstandings that drives a wedge between two people. I don't state that to frighten you. I just hope you do not allow that to happen. The one thing that makes or breaks an LDR is the level of honesty and vulnerability you are willing to put out there. It helps build trust and faith in the other person and strength in yourself. Just being honest or vulnerable is not being "needy" or demanding. Those are two totally different things. I couldn't miss in your post where you say you haven't really shared how you are feeling because you know he is missing you too. I hope you can re-examine that and share how you feel in a healthy way. We can all empathize in this forum. We are "there" too. But if he is feeling this way and the two of you can help each other by being there for each other then the relationship will be better for it. I wish you the best. Feel free to lean on the rest of us here as well. It helps to have someplace to vent with people who can understand.
KikiW Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Hey there! I'm one of those WoW LDRs, too Everyone has already stated a lot of good thoughts and ideas. As for expressing your feelings, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It took my guy putting it all on the line and telling me how he felt before I was able to verbalize it myself. I would convince myself it was a fantasy, it wasn't real, there was no chance of things working, there were too many outside factors... And every time, we would knock over one barrier, one hurdle, one more wall. We're still working on them, and will continue to work on them even after we are finally together permanently. I was so lucky that he was willing to put himself out there. I may not have had the courage to do it. But that's the great thing about this. We learn so much from each other, and our biggest desires are to make each other happy, but also to grow as individuals... to strive to reach our full potential and be lucky enough to be with each other when it happens. There were times my heart would simply ACHE being apart from him. When we sat in the airport at the end of our first weekend together, sharing the last precious minutes before I had to board the plane, I thought I would become an absolute basket case watching him tear up and feeling him kiss my forehead. But we can only use that energy to work harder for what we want. We've had challenges, but we find solutions and move forward. Dying to see each other? Then plan that next get-together. Don't wait for it. Good luck!
Author dandytandi Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Thank you everyone for the warm welcomes and great suggestions. It really does make it more bearable knowing that there are others out there who have experienced the same powerful feelings that I am. My first post was actually dated exactly one week since my departure, and it's gotten a little easier since I came home. The days just seem to fly by. Bearandsue & Rollercoasterr: I'm so glad I didn't have to drive when I departed. I would have been a wrecking ball of tears and snot, haha. He did tell me that when he left me at the security gate he went back to his car and just sat there for 20 minutes, he couldn't bring himself to leave. Rollercoasterr, we don't webcam; he has one but I do not. I want one badly. My birthday is just around the corner, so I'm hoping for one then. We do spend hours and hours with each other in voice chat on the weekends, sometimes in silence and sometimes just yapping each other's ears off. When I visited, I didn't really bring with me anything he could have. When he comes to see me, I'll be sure to do that. (Although on Valentines day of this year I sent him a little puppy that I'd spritzed with some of my body spray along with some home-made cookies.) Island Girl, I really really love the idea of keeping a journal of sorts, and using it to jot down things I'm feeling during the day. It's a fantastic idea and I'm going to start doing that. I feel kind of silly for not having thought of it myself! Cora, thank you for the positive wishes. I agree, looking forward to him coming up here is really making things marginally easier to deal with. There are some days where he misses me horribly and I just have to console him, tell him that holding each other once more is just something for us to look forward to again. When I'm having my bad days, he'll do the same for me. Bearandsue, I think watching movies together while on some sort of voice chat is one of the funnest things we do together as a couple. We pick out a streaming movie on Netflix and he'll count down from three and then we start the movie together. It's so great to hear him laugh on voice chat when he finds something hilarious. And KikiW!! I'd love to hear how you met your guy. Was it through WoW, or do you just use WoW as something to do together when you're apart? And you're together now? Hearing your story would give me such inspiration and belief that we'll be together in time. Thanks again everyone for your encouraging words. I really appreciate all the kind words, advice and well-wishes.
KikiW Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Yes, we met through WoW We had been longtime players, but he had taken a break from the server when I joined the guild he was connected with. When he returned, I was already there about 3 months. There was a guildmate I didn't care for on the main Ventrilo channel, so I dropped into the channel he was on with a friend and asked if they minded if I hung out with them - and we are both so happy I did. We started chatting a lot, goofing off with each other during raids, and then texting throughout the day. Kind of took off from there We still play, because it's the only thing I have found online that we can really interact with each other, but all things considered, we know that WoW was really just our escape from the unhappiness in our real lives. It will be nice when we can just log on, say hello to friends, and log off to watch a movie together or something.
Rollercoasterr Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I started out with one that I bought for $8 off of ebay. Was a pretty good camera. But then about a week ago I bought a logitech quickcam IM plus. This camera is AMAZING. I only spent $30 at wal-mart to get it and the picture is so crystal clear that he can see every little detail of my face like I'm sitting right beside of him. Webcams aren't very inexpensive at all and I would say that it's a necessity for an LDR, so if possible you should try and get one ASAP, and definately put it on the top of your birthday wish list. We like to write little letters on papers and hold them up on webcam for the other to read. It's cute, and fun. We have recently started downloading emulators and roms of our favorite SNES and N64 games to play together. He DID beat the pants off me at Mario 64 though, so I'm still a little sore about that one. I'll get him next time. Well heck. I just found that webcam I paid $30 for at walmart, for $12.99 at this UnitedSale place. http://www.unitedsale.com/product_info.php?products_id=18851
Bearandsue Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Bearandsue, I think watching movies together while on some sort of voice chat is one of the funnest things we do together as a couple. We pick out a streaming movie on Netflix and he'll count down from three and then we start the movie together. It's so great to hear him laugh on voice chat when he finds something hilarious. I cannot believe another person does this...We so thought that was our thing...like we invented it...lol. We also do the countdown too. Its a great way to spend time together.
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