coffeebean78 Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 My story spans 10 years and way too much info to post here. My husband has had at least 1-3 emotional affairs and at least 1 physical "fling" that I am aware of. This happened during the first 8 years of our relationship. He will no acknowledge the emotional affair (I am not sure about any but 1 because I found only the emails for 1 but now suspect the others of either physical or emotional affairs) because he doesn't think anything except having sex with someone is an affair. It is very painful, to say the least, to have him defend this person (who was an ex) against me. I've really made some huge mistakes in allowing him to stay in my life, but in 2006 I gave an ultimatum for him to show me some respect, end his online porn addiction (yeah, had that too) or I wanted a divorce. He did end the porn thing, but then in 2007 had the fling which was kept hidden from me until I found more emails just this January 2009. I was 7 months pregnant when he cheated physically. I am so frustrated, because he seems to have no awareness of how his actions made me feel and continue to make me feel (and even admits he never considered how I would feel in any of those circumstances), BUT, here is why I'm not calling it quits YET: since our son was born, the man has changed a lot, probably because he simply has no time to pursue other women. He has treated me like I wanted to be treated, except that he maintained contact with those women via email and phone (sporadic in both instances). But when I found out in January, I told him to eliminate all contact, give me access to all email, phone, etc, and delete everything from them. Also I made him burn all photos of his exes, etc. He did it all willingly...but at this point I am so disgusted I don't feel much better. I am happy he would do that willingly, but he never would before. And now I have a beautiful little baby to think about too! He has agreed to go to counseling, but I don't know if he will ever admit that he is to blame for his own problems, and not me! He lied to the person he cheated with--told her I had divorce papers and he would sign them when he came home. And then he keeps telling me he thought I did have divorce papers! I had gotten papers in late 2005 because it was the only way I could get him to listen to me about the porn and his neglect of me emotionally and physically. He promised me he would change and he would give up porn (done) and try to be better for me. He still kept up his relationships with his exes, though, and I eventually gave up. So now he seems to really want to try (again), but I am so paranoid because of the years of stupidity (on my part too), and the lies, the betrayals, and the lack of complete acknowledgement of his responsibilities (he does acknowledge some) in the case. This is more of a vent than anything. To the best that I can see, which is pretty involved now since I am with him a lot, we work at the same location--he is really trying. He does not want a divorce, and honestly I feel I need to try counseling first before seeking a dissolution, but I am so darn scared about trusting him one iota! Also, he thinks I should just forget and move on. But he's starting to see (under duress) that that will not be possible and that he REALLY messed up big-time, because unlike all those times before, I am not budging on my wants and needs this time around. I would appreciate any advice, especially from people who have been though similar circumstances. In my state, joint custody is 3/4 days per week, regardless of the child's age. I dread putting my son through that, and hope if it comes to something like that my husband will agree to just separate with me taking custody. This really bothers me. Our son is 20 months old. I have been told that my husband is immature and that I should not discuss things with him except in front of a counselor. I am trying to keep true to that although he is desperately begging for me to talk to him, then yells about how he was neglected all those years too...I am so tired of fighting, I just want to go to a counselor and get some clear-headed advice.
sugarmomma Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Unless you want to drive yourself crazy, you can't trust an untrustworthy person. He is not cheating now because there are no prospects, so of course he wants to work it out. You will drive yourself crazy trying to trust this guy. My heart goes out to you because you have a new baby and you want the father to be in the home. Sometimes this situation can do more harm than good. I want a home for my children where they see a father who absolutely cherishes and respects their mother. I wish you the best but don't expect him to radically change into a person that is faithful. In order to be faithful a person really has to have a deep understanding of what it means to cause a person pain. When you really love someone you would never want to casue them that kind of pain. Unfortunately, a lot of men are very sadistic and diabolical. You know exactly who you are dealing with and I hate to say it but what you accept from him is all you deserve.
LakesideDream Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Coffee, if I'm very very lucky.. someday I'll have an answer for you. I'll know that I am truely in love, that it's gonna be forever (I'm old!) If I wake up one morning and realize I trust a woman unconditionally. Frankly with my history, I don't expect that to happen. But.... never say never.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 If I was you I would seriously consider divorcing his azz. I'm gonna tell you why, he has no self respect, respect for you as a wife or your feelings, he puts himself first to feed that void within him. He doesnt respect the idea of family if he makes constant attempts to destroy it. You need to start thinking logically and look at it from the outside looking in, self respect comes first you need to start respecting yourself!!! What's next him getting another chick pregnant and child spport taking away from children you either have or might have? This man cannot control himself if his life depended on it. He does not realize that his actions heinous as they are has consequences. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? not so nice now is it? Why is it okay for him to do what he's doing and you be fine with the marriage? No consequences equals no motivation for change. This man will never change he'll continue to do what he's doing if yo dont put yor foot down or up his azz, it's all on you from here on out. ...good luck.
Owl Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 It doesn't happen often...but it did today. I completely agree with every word in ChromeBarracuda's post. Give it some serious thought. You're completely right for not trusting him. He was still violating that trust even just a few months ago. You've got YEARS...a decade's worth, of behavior to forgive. Based on a few months paltry effort? When he STILL refuses to acknowledge the damage done by the EA's? If you feel that you've reached your limit...then file. If you still want to give him a chance...you'd better set some seriously strong boundaries...with screamingly dire consequences that you WILL follow through with...to even consider it. That's how I see it.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 He has treated me like I wanted to be treated, except that he maintained contact with those women via email and phone (sporadic in both instances). But when I found out in January, I told him to eliminate all contact, give me access to all email, phone, etc, and delete everything from them. I hate to pile on with more bad news, but chances are that he's simply gotten better at hiding the contact from you. From your post, I'd say that it's not a question of your H wanting to change (on some level, he probably does), it's that he can't. Some men ( and I'd assume some women) simply don't have the emotional maturity to be faithful. Given the multiple infractions (and those are just the ones you know about ), he may be one of them. Doesn't leave much hope for a successful marriage... Mr. Lucky
Author coffeebean78 Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 Thank you for all your advice. It is nice to know that I am NOT CRAZY, like he has said. At this point, I have waited 6 weeks from the time I found out about the affair so I could cool off and think logically. I am happy to say that although I am very upset and he is still very upsetting to me, I can look back at those years where I thought it was all my fault and laugh and how naive and stupid I was to believe his lies. I can identify with the post about how he might wish to change and can't. I think he does wish to change, but I, too, am not sure he can. We have an appointment Tuesday with a counselor. I just hope that if he does wish to change the professionals can help him. I am also going to go talk to a divorce attorney to get a handle on my options, especially regarding child custody. If it weren't for that little baby I would be gone. Right now, I think I will wait to see what the counselor recommends, get my options lined out, and give him sixteen kinds of hell. If he still refuses to acknowledge the EAs and his reponsibility after the counselor is done with him, I'm out. You're 100% right about respect, and I have gotten exactly what I have allowed out of him. No more... Thanks all.
pelicanpreacher Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Actually, your husband is holding out hope that you will change by coming to accept your station and lot in life as a wife who will tolerate the emotional and spiritual abuse of his repeated infidelity, his childishly selfish and indulgent behavior, and his need to feed his own narcissism by remaining the center of everyone's attention even to the detriment of your marriage. You'll notice that when you put your foot down to demand that he show you more attention because of past neglect the first thing he jumped on was that you committed the crime too even as he was cheating on you. You married a "momma's boy" and now know the full extent of the life draining nightmare it is to live with an attention loving drama whore like this. Spin him off into a cold dark orbit by divorcing him and this tick of a husband will find his way back to another warm body to feed upon in no time flat for it is his nature to do so (ergo, why he keeps and maintains contact with all of his exes).
Author coffeebean78 Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 Interesting, all. I've noticed most of the posts are from men. Interesting because in the past my H has said I didn't understand, and wouldn't go to a female counselor because he said a woman would not understand him. Hmmmm. I guess it's like when he said I didn't understand how an old relationship could bleed into a new one... It's really depressing realizing how duped I've been. Does anyone think there's any hope for this marriage? The H has agreed to go to a female counselor (only one available in my area), and has moved with me right next door to my entire family (who know and are not pleased). It does appear he's trying. He is a momma's boy. Didn't mention that before, but that is true. His mom used to live right next door, but I left with the baby after this whole thing came out, and trust me she is not living close to me ever again.
Reggie Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Sounds like a narcissist. They are hell to live with. Start reading up on NPD and see if it fits. Best thing you can do for you and your child is to get away from this type.
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