I am completely f'ing devastated

[brokenglass]

Background stuff here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185385/

 

You know, I had expected you would end up sleeping with someone else eventually, I had no idea how f**king quick it would be. Since we fought on St. Patrick's Day, you mean to tell me you've f**ked THREE different men? You got over this WHOLE 6 year relationship that f**king quick?

 

I am not surprised. This is clearly karma coming back around to bite me in my ass for the wrongs I've done to you. Should I be mad? I don't even know if I'm allowed to be! There are definitely things you don't know about that I did, so this comes as no surprise to me whatsoever. But now I'm starting to wonder exactly how honest you've been with me.

 

Probably TOO honest!

 

So, in short, I am going to quit being naive. I am going to quit fantasizing that one day, we can work this out and be together again. I am going to quit going above and beyond what my responsibilities to our child are.

 

Ugh....how can I possibly know this information and still love you? It has to be the karma biting me in the ass, telling me I knew better. How could I STILL HAVE HOPE OF RECONCILIATION???

 

I don't even know how to feel right now, knowing there were nights I sat here on this couch and cried my eyes out for you, hoping you'd give me another chance, while you were naked with a completely different man enjoying the fact that you were over me.

 

I am so sorry, I hate what I have done to my life...but at least I know now. I am not going to be naive anymore.

 

I do still love you. I always will, just like you'll always love me. Its quite obvious you aren't in love with me anymore, the words were one thing but your actions have slammed the door in my face. I should have known, I knew better, and now I will lay in the bed that I made that you aren't in anymore.

[Commensensical]

Hi Brokenglass,

 

I've read your original post and the responses you have received. I completely understand your frustration; you are completely floored by these recent events. However, there are some things I can point out that maybe have been pushed to the back due to the overwhelming emotional aspects of your situation.

 

First, you did have sexual relations (gawd I hate that term) with another woman when you initially broke up - thus she was devestated. Your guilt is no measure to her, all she sees was the act. What hurts is that it has now flipped. You are, now, just as devestated as her and it is one helluva horrible feeling. You can call it tit-for-tat, or whatever. Regardless the bottomline is that you've split and are no longer loyal to one another. So with that in mind, what is done in the meantime cannot be thrown into any conversation of reconciliation - if and when that does occur. And, no offense to either one of you - but sexual activity with someone new is what happens when people split. Sometimes it is immediately and other times it is not. Even the frequency and number of partners fluctuates. It's depressing as hell to find out - but the better you deal with it, the less angered you will be.

 

Second, you must still be there for your son. You sound like a loving father who still is doing as much as he can considering the/his circumstances. However, entering the text that you won't go above and beyond for your son because of his mother isn't the best foot to put forward. I'm sure that is just anger speaking. Becareful, even when angry, words can be detrimental. Unfortunately, SOME people use their children as weapons - you would be much better, and your chance of reconciliation would be greater, if you DO NOT allow either one of you to use your son as weapon during this troubling situation. Remain strong for your son.

 

Third, take this time to continue to better yourself. You are already on the right track. Continue go to the gym and if you can't go to it because of finances - bring it home. Use chairs in your house, run the steps, do situps, get resistance bands to do pull-ups, etc. Take your anger out on your body.

 

Furthermore, two things of interest to me was that you mentioned you did a lot of snooping (insecurity) and that you can't afford the gas to drive places to see your son - these both can be worked on. First, you can't ever go back into the relationship if you still are conducting your snooping actions. You are bringing the old you into the relationship and that is now part of the problem. Let her do what she needs to do in the meantime and hold your tongue. She will begin to wonder why her acting out isn't effecting you.

 

In addition, I noticed that a LS responder mentioned that she won't receive much attention because she has a child. I don't believe in this line of text. I've seen this conflicted first hand multiple times. With that stated, I do believe that she will receive the wrong attention - she will be a chuck and f**k (so to speak) with many men. This experience itself - so unfulfilling - will most likely end up with her regretting her own decision to leave the relationship, instead of working it. When and if she does turn around - make sure that she understands that she too must work on herself and stop mucking around on the internet before there is any thought of sharing your intimate lives.

 

As for the driving issues I have a possible suggestion: if you worked on quitting smoking you could save the $5 USD or $9 CDN to purchase cigerettes with and use it towards gas. That could add up to 30 or 50 dollars a week depending on how much you smoke. They have amazing nicotine receptor blockers out there now, like CHAMPIX. I've used it myself to become smoke free. There are always ways to see your son, you just have to get creative.

 

I hope some of this helps. Keep venting her - don't show her your anger, it will be counterproductive to what you hope for in the end.

 

Commensensical.

[EmperorR]

Let it out:)

[brokenglass]

I went to bed last night, not giving a **** about you.

 

I woke up, unassisted and angry at 5:30AM. I've been able to sleep normally for the past two weeks, laying down and naively thinking you were laying there thinking about me.

 

But this morning I woke up again at 5:30, just like I did every other morning for months after we separated. And you know what? ALL I could think about was karma, karma, karma. I know what I did and I am so completely ashamed of myself. I knew FULL well this would happen and because of my own selfish needs I did what I did anyway.

 

I don't know what to be angry at. Angry at myself? Angry at you? Every ****ing time I close my eyes I envision you naked with someone else, and there's nothing I can do to remove it from my mind. And then again, I am sure you were going through the same thing.

 

I want to be completely over you right now. I don't want to be able to look at your face and think love. I don't want to be able to look at our child's face and think of the love we shared for such a long time.

 

But I can't help it. I can't ****ing help it!!! I feel like a ****ing schmuck. I feel like a big ****ing stupid schmuck for even thinking for 1 split second that you weren't ****ing anyone else, you were just seeing your friends and hanging out like you said you were, and that you were just trying to figure out what to do. Anytime we were talking or playing games over the internet and you'd pause for over an hour or you'd stop talking for over an hour, and you told me you were watching a movie? I knew that was horse****.

 

You told me before I left that you felt things were better this way. You said we are able to communicate and be "friends" now and work together for our son, and not fight every time we see eachother and talk.

 

The ONLY way I have been able to come to this point from my end is that I STILL HOPE we can make it work together as a family. Not apart. Yeah, can you ****ing believe that LoveShack? After all the dishonesty, cheating and lies, on both of our accounts, I STILL HOPE that with time, we can be together again and a family. LOL How ****ing naive am I??? You know what still goes through my mind????? "Oh, this is a good thing. She's moved on, shes ****ing other people, now you do the same thing and a few months from now, when you've both gotten it out of your systems, you two can reconcile!" LOL Someone please shoot me!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So you know what N??? You know what I'm going to do? I'm ****ing angry, but like I told you last night, I fully expected this to happen. It IS devastating, but you've had to deal with too much devastating news from me. Karma is letting me have it now, and I am not going to let it destroy me. I am not going to let it keep me down and depressed. I am going to absorb this pain and use it to make my life, our son's life and your life better from now on.

 

I am going to try my absolute ****ing best to continue to be your friend. And the only reason why I should is for our son, but unfortunately, I am always going to be in love with you, as much as I really, REALLY don't ****ing want to right now.

 

Oh wait, sorry, thats karma knocking on my door reminding me that I wouldn't be having to deal with this if I hadn't done what I did.

 

So we will see N. Right now I am so completely, unbelieveably pissed off that you've ****ed three different people in the past three weeks. I'm so completely, unbelieveably pissed off that I cheated on you all the times that I did. I'm so completely unbelieveably pissed off about EVERYTHING!!!

 

I hate the fact that I have to see you in two hours to bring me up to the airport. I hate the fact that you're taking "your" car for the weekend, knowing full well you'll be using it to drive to a ****ing booty call. I hate the fact that you'll be picking me up from the airport Sunday and I hate the fact I agreed to do Easter with you and our son on Monday instead of Sunday.

 

But like I said, I'm going to try very hard to continue to be your friend, because I apparently don't know how to let go of you.

[letters]

Oh God, this is heavy stuff, I finished reading and got really sad. What have you done? And there's a baby involved? Oh my!!!. I think she may be as heartbroken as you are, because f***ing 3 men in such a short time suggests the behaviour of a broken hearted person--- she is trying to forget you by doing that. I am a hopeless romantic and I want to tell you to beg her (since you still love her, and your baby....), but the bottom line is what does she really want? Do you think she still loves you? Has she told you since all this that she couldn never love you again? I am so sorry, and I need black coffee now.

[brokenglass]

Hi Brokenglass,

 

(lots of good advice)

 

Commensensical.

 

Hey commensensical, I didn't even see your post before I flipped out a few minutes ago. I'll try to respond to some things you've mentioned.

 

In terms of ever even thinking about throwing this into a reconciliation conversation, if that were ever to happen, it wouldn't. Like I said a few minutes ago, and I might have said last night, I really did expect this to happen, but since I didn't know for sure I naively thought it wasn't, even though I had my suspicions. I completely understand that what she does now is her business, she's a single woman and will do what she wants to. I think I am more frustrated at the fact that, without going on the internet into sleaze rooms and Craigslist postings, there's no way on earth I will find a woman to have sex with nearly as quickly as she found THREE other people. They could be people she already knows or not, I guess it doesn't matter either way.

 

As for our son, when I said the above and beyond bit, I meant specifically for her, not for him. I try my hardest to do anything that I can, but its very difficult. Her family is wonderful and buys him everything he needs (and then some) and it kind of leaves me left to purchase nothing. I guess that might be a blessing in disguise right now but I want to be able to contribute more than just hanging out once or twice a week and handing his mother a check. I don't know...but yes I meant specifically to her. I meant like, we talk about many things and try to plan stuff out, when I am at the house I help her with anything that I can, I listen to her when she talks...what I'm trying to say is I've been trying to change the type of man I am to her because I loved her and want her back, and because I'm tired of living the way I was. Unhealthy and risky and manipulative. As for my son, I will continue to do what I can when I can do it, I just wish it was every day and not once or twice a week.

 

As for the snooping, I suppose I continue to do this, just not in the same manner I was before. There have been a small handful of times of snooping. I checked her video game console messages once or twice (I have since deleted her profile off of my console and do not know her new password). I have been looking at her friends and social network profiles constantly, mainly trying to find out if shes moved on or not. But I suppose the upside of that is I don't have to look anymore to know, I know the truth now. The way I'd snoop before...I had keyloggers on all of my machines at home, I knew all of her passwords on her email and messenger accounts, everything. I'd spend hours at work wasting time refreshing her emails and social network inboxes, looking for an email she receives and immediately deletes. But since the separation in January, I mostly look at what she makes available for everyone to see. And often. I imagine it will be a lot easier not to from this point forward.

 

I will try my best to heed your advice about holding my tongue. I must remind myself that I have to at least pretend like it doesn't bother me.

 

I didn't agree with the other LS member that said men wouldn't be interested in her either. Before we got together she had slept with well over 60 men she had met through the internet and it looks like shes picked up that old habit. I asked how she felt about doing it and she just smiled and said fine.

 

As for smoking, yeah I bought a pack this morning. I imagine thats going to be quite the battle getting rid of again.

 

Thank you for all the good advice...yeah the naive dumbass in me still hopes we can be a family again. She told me last night she still misses me sometimes, when she has no one to talk to...I told her she can always talk to me, even though I know she won't.

 

It all just seems so hopeless sometimes. But I will try to hold my tongue, not show her it bothers me and give the impression I've moved on myself and don't care anymore.

 

And who knows, maybe that might be a legitimate feeling one day

[brokenglass]

Oh and one more thing, I'm not going to put one single ounce of ****ing thought into you while I am in California this weekend.

 

I don't know what awaits me out there (aside from the reason I'm going) and for once in the past 4 months, if I meet a woman that wants to fool around, I might consider it. The only difference here is is that I am not going to put my self worth into sexual activities with other women anymore. I am going to get that self worth from myself.

 

Whether or not you do the same thing, is YOUR decision now. You'll never hear me mention it again!

[fofiffs]

I'm really sorry to hear about what your going through, to ease a little bit of your pain know that you are not alone with that feeling of sadness in your heart. I too know how you feel. I'm somewhat going through a similar experience. My ex who i am now broken up with for a month now is in a new relationship with some other guy and I know she's having sex with him which tears me up inside everyday. But know that it will get better over time. Force yourself to go to the gym and take your frustration out on that it really helps cuz I've been doing that.

[EmperorR]

I'd also like to say I know the pain my ex fiancé Cheated on me described every detail dumped me strung me along for a few weeks, met some herb at her school and started dating him less than two weeks of her dumping me, it gets easier as time goes on, I used to think about it 24/7 couldn't eat sleep concentrate, had enough anger inside me I should have snapped, but I got over it and I know it sounds cliché it made me so much smarter and more aware of life lessons etc.

[TheJoker]

I have been there buddy.... sucks dont it

[brokenglass]

I woke up today at 4AM California time. I went to bed at midnight California time, exhausted from my 8 hour plane trip, trying my hardest not to think about you or what you had told me about what you've been doing since you've been single.

 

But, you did drop me off at the airport. You did hug and kiss me a few times. I could tell you might not have wanted to, or maybe you did but were trying not to, I cannot tell. You even told me you didn't want to give me mixed signals, and you did not. The signals are clear to me. I know you still love me, you've told me you do. But you're having sex with other people, the signals are very clear.

 

I woke up this morning after dreaming about you all night and then I sat in front of the mirror for an hour, pep talking myself, after smoking two cigarettes and reminded myself that I knew this would happen. I knew, every single time I got into a rut and I got angry, paranoid, complacent and unappreciative of you and I either cheated or tried to cheat, that this would all eventually come back to bite me in my ass. I continued to remind myself that, if I EVER want this to work out in the future, I have to let everything you are doing go. I have to let you go. To a certain extent, I cannot do that. I am in love with you. But in terms of what you are doing, now that you are single, I am trying my hardest to understand, accept and let go.

 

When I told you that in the car, I could tell that that was completely not the attitude and response you thought I would give you. I could tell at the house that you were not expecting me to answer that way. I did make a few remarks Wednesday night that probably weren't appropriate but...thats as far as its going to go. It was initial shock.

 

To be frank with you, I am surprised myself that I responded the way that I did. 8 months ago I would not have responded that way and we both know that.

 

I meant what I said to you in the car on the way to the airport. I will continue to be your friend. I will continue to treat you the way I have been these past few months since our initial separation. Why? Because I do love you. You are my friend, you are my best friend and you always have been. Whats that saying? If you love someone, let them go, if its meant to be they'll come back?

 

Well I'm starting to really, really understand that I am in control of nobody but myself. I am starting to really understand that yeah, these guys might be giving you attention because you're hot and sexy and single, and angry over the things I've done, but do they know you like I know you? No they don't. I know in time, you will get over the things I've done to you, you will see the changes I have made in my life and you will either want me back or you won't. And if you do, we will move forward together, like I feel like we should be doing for our son, who is SO smart and clearly gifted in some sense, and like I feel like we should be doing for eachother.

 

So like I said, I'll continue to be your friend. I will continue to show you I love you instead of just saying it. I will conitnue to show you that yeah, maybe if I do give him another chance, he won't be the same way he was. And like I told you, I don't want you to move back in immediately. I think we need to stay apart right now. I am having a difficult time even coming to grips with the thought of having sex with another woman, you don't seem to have that issue, but again, I can't control that.

 

I am trying so hard to enjoy myself out here and I will, but just when I thought I wouldn't, or couldn't think about you, I fooled myself once again. I really, really wish I could go an NC route with you, but its obvious at this point that it would be detrimental to the progress we have made. You said that you feel its better this way, not being together anymore, the communication, the friendship we had that was lost...I've only been able to do this because I still am in love with you. I've only been able to do this because I had hope you still loved me and were just angry.

 

But I think I feel like I know what needs to be done. For the sake of our son, I need to let go of what you're doing. For the sake of my sanity, I need to let go and pretend like I'm not bothered or hurt by it, but then again, I can now imagine the mental turmoil and pain I put you through. So because of that, I accept, and continue on my path.

 

I imagne that although I don't want to, I will be calling you later on tonight after I am done at N*******t to give you all the juicy details that I could totally get sued for, just like I did the last time they sent me out here.

 

I do still love you. I can't help myself. I love you and our son.

 

One day at a time, one small step at a time. You are my friend first, if anything else develops from that, holy ****ing **** would I be a happy camper. If not, I will continue to accept because by that time, I hope I will be in a better place mentally.

 

And right now, I really, really wish you were here and reading all these things I'm typing. Because as much as I'd love to spill it all out, its detrimental to what I hope for. Not to what I expect, or what I demand, but for what I hope for.

 

If there's one thing your mother told me, is that its ok to hope for this to happen again. But I have to accept it for what it is.

 

I am doing that now, and I do love you. I will talk to you later!

[brokenglass]

So, I am now back from California and its been a few days. You picked me up on Sunday from the airport and seemed genuinely happy that I had a good time and happy to hear about what was going on.

 

I honestly got a little upset when I went upstairs and saw that Xbox in your bedroom. Its no wonder you lied to me about not having any smoke, you didn't want me to see your shiny brand new Xbox that you got from that friend of yours from overseas, if in fact he's the person that got it for you. And then when I say how you got it, you tell me you didn't want the money? Well what the hell do you expect when you use your sexuality to coax your Xbox friends into getting you things you want?

 

I hate it when you lie. You lie to everyone about everything.

 

Monday was no different. For once, when something ****ty happened, I kept my cool, you did not. I can't control that the car has problems, its an old car and we've driven it for a very long time. I kept my cool throughout the problems we had, you just got agitated and mad at me, even going as far to say that I am "running the car into the ground." What else am I supposed to do? I don't want to sit in our townhouse all night without you. I want to see my friends and feel better about my life. Sitting around the house thinking about you and me isn't doing either of us a favor, especially considering you aren't doing anything of the sort.

 

And now, I sit here on MySpace, talking to a person that you were once very good friends with, and shes filling me in on some dark areas you deliberately put me in. There was more **** you were doing behind my back that you lied to me about. I am getting sick of this victim role you are playing, where I did this and that to you...you are acting like a sneaky, lying slut.

 

I know who you really are. You're a kind, generous, loving, caring woman who is a wonderful mother and an even more wonderful companion. You're heart is the size of the universe and made of gold. At your best, you can handle and do anything you want and focus on.

 

But you know what, the woman you're acting like is not the woman I fell in love with. You're turning into a monster and you're scaring the **** out of me. I fear for my son's life, having to live with a woman who is unstable and resentful and bitter about what she has put herself through.

 

I am not your problems.

 

You are your problems.

 

I am also starting to learn that you haven't been quite honest with me. Your good friend from Xbox is now telling me that the reason you all stopped talking is because you went too far with what you were doing and she hasn't yet told me. She said that there are a lot of things I don't know about.

 

Just knowing that hurts...knowing you consistently lied to me and your family about it. Knowing you've manipulated your family into thinking your actions were innocent and nothing was wrong.

 

Its all going to come out, even my part of it. I am ready to tell you everything. Are you ready for the same?

 

If you and I really want to be able to get along for our son's sake, then you will do what is right and come clean and get out of denial. I am working on my part, I will patiently await to see how you handle yours.

[brokenglass]

Well, I just have to say that knowing that while I was at work, busting my ass to put food on our table to feed you and our son, while I was upstairs asleep so I could wake early to continue to work, you were on my Xbox rubbing yourself on my camera. You would wait for our son to take a nap and then get all of your boys in one room and take your clothes off. You lied and lied and lied to me about it.

 

Four different guys that your friend knew about. Four different men that would watch you naked on that camera. Two of which pretend to be my friends.

 

Do you feel proud about this? Do you feel proud that I would leave the house, and you would get on the Xbox and gloat to your friends that you didn't care how much money I spent on smoke, you were going to smoke as much as you wanted anyway? Do you feel proud that you would put my son down for his nap and then take your clothes off for other men? Are you proud that you would deny me sex because you were "tired" and then go back on the camera and get naked and masturbate for someone else?

 

How do you think your step-mother and father would feel if they knew you've been lying to them about everything? Why are you still telling people I physically abused you? You tell my friends I beat you, and then tell the truth to your mother, that you instigated the fight? What the **** is wrong with you N???

 

And to think, you told me you just wasn't in the mood. Yeah, because you had already masturbated for 3 different men before I got home.

 

Maybe I was wrong about you acting like a slut. You are a slut. You always have been and you always will.

 

And for once in my life, I don't blame myself for cheating on you. You lied to me about why your sex drive was in the tank. It wasn't in the tank, it was just being utilized for someone else.