sick&tired Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 My girlfriend n I were together for nearly six years when she decided to leave me a little over a couple of months ago. I was completely and utterly devastated. Mind u, we had a few problems in our relationship and our last couple of years were pretty rocky, but for the most part, I thought we were doing ok. One night we got into a very heated argument over something i don't even remember and next thing I know she tells me she wants to move out on her own. She kept telling me that she needed time alone and to think about things between us. Literally, a couple of days after she moved out, a friend of mine saw her grocery shopping with some guy. I asked her about it and she said they were just friends. Fast forward a month and then she tells me that she's dating this guy, what a surprise! In the mean time while this time passes she's calling me for booty calls on a regular basis, of course, i abliged. I also found out, from her, that she had had a one night stand with a friend of hers. All this while dating grocery guy and still sleeping with me!!! She said that the one night stand was a mistake and it would never happen again and the reason she was telling me all this was because if there was ever another chance for us to be together, she didn't want there to be any secrets between us. MInd you, all this time I've been practically begging her to take me back because I love her and I'm devastated over the whole thing, but she just acted cold and like she didn't care that I was so hurt. There is so much more to this story but it would take up three pages so i'm going to point out the main stuff. About three weeks ago she started trying to get back with me. She realized that I was starting to date someone and I think it kind of got to her, so she started telling me how much she misses me and still loves me. After everything that has happened in the short time we've been broken up, I can definetly say that there are some trust isues on my part. I tried to go NC as much as I could but here is the had part: we have a 3 year old son together, it's literally impossible. It has been a very difficult time for me. I guess my question is should I take her back after everything she has done? I want to so bad because I want to give my son a whole family but I don"t know if I can get over the trust issues. There is so much more to this story that you may have some questions, don't hesitate to ask. I need all the advise I can get. Similar experiences would be great too.
jerbear Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 First stop begging. Second, take a long walk to recollect your thoughts. Weekend vacation, no phones, no nothing. Third, do tell more of the background. It seems there is more to this than meets the eye.
fofiffs Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 My girlfriend n I were together for nearly six years when she decided to leave me a little over a couple of months ago. I was completely and utterly devastated. Mind u, we had a few problems in our relationship and our last couple of years were pretty rocky, but for the most part, I thought we were doing ok. One night we got into a very heated argument over something i don't even remember and next thing I know she tells me she wants to move out on her own. She kept telling me that she needed time alone and to think about things between us. Literally, a couple of days after she moved out, a friend of mine saw her grocery shopping with some guy. I asked her about it and she said they were just friends. Fast forward a month and then she tells me that she's dating this guy, what a surprise! In the mean time while this time passes she's calling me for booty calls on a regular basis, of course, i abliged. I also found out, from her, that she had had a one night stand with a friend of hers. All this while dating grocery guy and still sleeping with me!!! She said that the one night stand was a mistake and it would never happen again and the reason she was telling me all this was because if there was ever another chance for us to be together, she didn't want there to be any secrets between us. MInd you, all this time I've been practically begging her to take me back because I love her and I'm devastated over the whole thing, but she just acted cold and like she didn't care that I was so hurt. There is so much more to this story but it would take up three pages so i'm going to point out the main stuff. About three weeks ago she started trying to get back with me. She realized that I was starting to date someone and I think it kind of got to her, so she started telling me how much she misses me and still loves me. After everything that has happened in the short time we've been broken up, I can definetly say that there are some trust isues on my part. I tried to go NC as much as I could but here is the had part: we have a 3 year old son together, it's literally impossible. It has been a very difficult time for me. I guess my question is should I take her back after everything she has done? I want to so bad because I want to give my son a whole family but I don"t know if I can get over the trust issues. There is so much more to this story that you may have some questions, don't hesitate to ask. I need all the advise I can get. Similar experiences would be great too. I'm going through somewhat a similar situation as u. but with my situation is When I met her she was already pregnant. So I was there for her the whole time. We also had a few problems but I never thought nothing of it. Then like you we got into a heated arguement and when I came back from work she was gone. Not even a month after the break up she is already dating some new guy, she just seems so into this guy. But the part that kills me the most is she won't even let me see the baby who I got attached to. So i guess my advise to you is if you can get over the trust issue then go for it. Especially if you two have a kid together. But the hard part about it is can you get over the fact that she has been with somebody else. I know with me if I was to do it for my kid she would really have to work her butt of to earn my trust again
lostandinlove Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 The only thing i can advise is that if you love her like you say you so, than take her back, but don't do it for your son so it because you love her. If you can forgive her' and i know it will take time, but you have to decide if you can eventually do that. i messed up my relation ship here recently and she is sort of in your shoes and i would do absolutley ANYTHING to get her back, but remember that if you truely love someone for something, you dont bring it up again.
Author sick&tired Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Update: Well, here I am, 3 weeks after she began trying to get back with me and I still can't come to a decision as to what I want to do. It seems like every time I start to think that I can begin to start trusting her again, she does something to make me think twice about it. One thing I didn't mention in my first post is that she is extremely outgoing and works a daytime job and then works 3-4 nights a week at a bar for the past three years. I always opposed her working at a bar because I thought nothing good could come out of it (and as you'll see later, I was right), but at the time we had a newborn that we didn't want to put in daycare so she worked nights and I worked days. Once we decided that our son was old enough to be put in daycare, I told her that I wanted her to quit the bar and get a day job because we were hardly spending any time together anymore. As soon as I would get home from work, she would leave to go to the bar. Well she refused to quit, she loved being there so much. As time went by the bar thing started to become a huge problem for me and it became a huge source of many of our arguments. Bars close at 2 a.m. where we live, and many nights she wouln't get home 'till 4-5 in the morning. I'm not gonna lie, i always trusted her, but I began to have suspicions as to what she was doing after closing the bar. A lot of times I would wake up when she got home and we'd get into heated arguments at 5 a.m. She would turn everyting around on me and say I didn't trust her and I was a jerk. Since she did not need to work at the bar anymore but chose to still do so, instead of spending her nights with me and our son, I took it as the bar and her friends were a higher priority than our son and I. Well, after she dumped me, all the suspicions I had all this time turned out i was feeling them for a reason. She ended up telling me that she would go out almost every night after the bar and hang out with her bar friends, mostly males. Well, remember grocery guy and one night stand guy from my first post? guess what? both were from the bar. So yeah, nothing good has come out of the bar job. All this time she had been leading a double life and lying to me about it. All these nights I spent alone with my son, she was out having a great ol' time with other people. I was completely broken down when I found this out. I put all my trust in her and she deceived me for years. Fast forward to the last few weeks. She's pretty much been making a half assed attempt at getting back with me but as I said earlier, every time I think I can get over everything, she does or tells me something that makes me doubt her. Like for example, a couple of days ago she told me that she has been hanging out with an ex (whom she was previously engaged to and almost had a baby with) and that she was not going to stop doing that even if we got together again. Another thing she did, she was hanging out at the bar with grocery guy a couple of nights ago. I have a huge problem with her hanging out with people she has been intimate with, and I think most guys, and girls would feel the same way. She knows this but says that she's not gonna stop talking to them. Now, If she was really trying to show me that she could be trusted again as she says she can, why in hell would she be doing these things? She should be bending over backwards trying to show me that she is worthy of my trust again. Two things that I told her were critical for us to be together again were 1) for her to quit the bar completely, and 2) cease contact with grocery guy completely. She dumped grocery guy but still sees and hangs out at the bar with him, and she hasn't quit the bar. So what should I think of all this? Does it seem to you all that my son and I are a priority to her at all? Why would you all think that she would make a half hearted attempt at winning me back if she didn't intend to really try to show me she meant it? I am so confused as to what I should do. I want to salvage our relationship because I do love her still and for the sake of our son. It makes me so sad inside when I think that some other man would be taking my place in raising my son when he isn't with me. I've actually had a taste of that already since she was already doing family things with my son and grocery guy and it made me feel like killing myself because I can't help to think that I had some fault in the break up, and thus, helped cause all this. She's pretty much told me either accept her the way she is or there will be no us. That means talking and hanging out with exes, her going out all the time while I stay home to care for our son, etc. I mean she wants complete freedom while being able to come home to me, Mr. responsible, whenever she feels it's finally time to spend some time with us. That's what it feels like anyway. How can she possibly feel after she dumped me after nearly six years and got with someone right away, and after all the lying, that she can make demands as to how things are gonna be? I don't want to let this opportunity to make my family whole again go to waste because I honestly think that if I tell her to take a hike ,there will never be another chance for us, and my son will grow up having multiple father like figures in his life. I grew up like that(except I lived with my dad, so I had different mother figures) and I don't want that for my son. I am almost willing to let her do whatever she wants to do as long as we're a family. But do I really want to be a doormat to her all my life? No, not at all. I told her that she shows no respect for me and she tells me it has nothing to do with respect. At the very least, she shows no concerns for my feelings. What do I do guys?... and gals. Pleeeeeaaaase give me some advise or similar situations so that I can get some perspective on all this. Thanks to all.
Author sick&tired Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Another thing that bothers me about her ,and that I don't foresee going away in the near future is how much influence her mom has over anything my ex does. Her mom is very manipulative and extremely needy. She was constantly wanting my ex to be with her all the time and to fix all her screw ups and problems. It got to the point that one time she called for my ex and I answered the phone and told her that we both just got out of work and now it was my turn to spend time with her and to stop calling her every five minutes. It was like her mom was so afraid to lose her daughter that she just couldn't leave her alone. Her mom actually told me once that no bastard will ever come between her and her daughter, including me. That was another huge source of arguments for us. My ex would always put me at the very bottom of the priority list when it came to her mom, no matter how stupid her mom's issues were. Don't get me wrong, I think people should be there for their family when they need something, but her mom took in to a whole other level. It's as if she wanted my ex attached at her hip to the point that it was unhealthy. By the way, her mom works at the bar with her. I think that's another reason she won't quit, because she wants to be right there with her. Her mom has told her that she shouldn't get back with me because I am trying to change who she is. Her mom is loving it now that we are not together because she doesn't have to share her with me. I mean come on, my ex is 26 years old, we were living together since she was 20. We have a 3 year old son together. I think it's time for her mom to let her live her own life. It's so bad that my ex can't make any decisions without first consulting her mom to get her opinion, and that included things that should have been decided between me and her. I could understand her mom being so attached to my ex if that was her only child, but she has 4 other children and my exs dad! I seriously think that her mom has some deep underlying issue that is causing this unhealthy behavior. As bad as her mom sounds, I actually love her and care for her. I just think that she needs to let her daughter live her own life and stop interfearing so much. It's not only her mom's fault though, I've told my ex repeatedly to step up and tell her mom to give her some breathing room so we can live our lives, but she won't. So is everything that i've said in this and previous posts too much baggage to get over? I mean there are other minor things that we need to work on but the latter issues are the main ones. Can things work out if there is no change on her part?
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