Peaceandlove Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I had been talking with a guy from college for a while and after a party we got intimate- he kept saying how much he had thought about the two of us etc. The next day he was all cuddly and asked if he could take me for breakfast to which I agreed to. We had a lot of chemistry and conversation was easy and we had loads to talk about, talked and laughed for ages- he hinted a dinner date When we were saying goodbye he said what a good time he had and kissed me- then he texted saying what a great time he had and how he would like to meet up soon. Then I didn't hear from him for 2 days and I tried calling him but wouldn't reply. Did the same the following day but he wouldn't return my calls. The next day he texted me saying that he spent the last few days with his ex-girlfriend (which he had mentioned in one of the chats as a relationship which wasn't worth it) and that things were complicated for him because they might get back together and it's bad timing for him! I was soooo pissed after that text Anyways, how do I respond to this guy. I was really looking forward to spending time with him even though I have recently come out of a 5 year relationship and would not jump into anything hastily Any cool responses- or maybe I should say nothing at all and be really cool next time I bump into him
bean1 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 IThen I didn't hear from him for 2 days and I tried calling him but wouldn't reply. Did the same the following day but he wouldn't return my calls. The next day he texted me saying that he spent the last few days with his ex-girlfriend (which he had mentioned in one of the chats as a relationship which wasn't worth it) and that things were complicated for him because they might get back together and it's bad timing for him! I was soooo pissed after that text Anyways, how do I respond to this guy. Don't respond to him. He has stated (in male language) that he appreciated and enjoyed your night of sex but that is all it was and that he is getting back together with the girlfriend. It doesn't matter what he said about her before (as if he is going to tell the girl he wants to sleep with the truth). It's done. Let it go. Look elsewhere. If you are cool with being just a sex partner (and nothing more), then fine, be "cool" with him.
sultry33 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 yep have to agree.. at least he has been open move on to someone who is free and ready x
Enema Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 He's not worth the 20c to send a reply. If things were so complicated he shouldn't have slept with you without full disclosure.
voldigicam Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Hurts. But if there was a spark, might leave an opening rather than cutting it off altogether. Although you know how he handles conflict . . . .
Author Peaceandlove Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 I hear your responses- one of my friends said to say nothing at all and another that I should make it clear that i'm relieved that he said it first because i wasn't interested in anything more serious (which is partially true as after a long relationship i need some space) just so that i'm 'on top' again what do you mean voldigicam by "Although you know how he handles conflict . . . ."
Ruby Slippers Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 He's not worth the 20c to send a reply. If things were so complicated he shouldn't have slept with you without full disclosure. I often find myself quoting you to agree completely. He's not worth another moment of your time.
Mahatma Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 The guy is weak for his ex... clearly not a guy you want to have a relationship with.
Lizzie60 Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Move on.. you don't want to waste your energy on jerks!
RecordProducer Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Any cool responses- or maybe I should say nothing at all and be really cool next time I bump into himYou have your closure, so there's nothing to say or do at this point, but to criticize him. His relationship with his girlfriend likely won't last - and he might just come back to you and stay in your life forever. There is no need to burn bridges. If you show that you're not hurt, you'll be more interesting. Meanwhile, you'll get over him because it was just one night. People who are getting out of unhealthy relationships are very confused and in denial about their feelings. He probably didn't mean to use you. It was another experioence for you. Finally, there are no guarantees when we go to bed with someone. People are allowed to change their minds. Now, if you were dating for a week or longer and he never mentioned he was still in love with his ex and then slept with you, that would've been dishonest. But you didn't really have time to discuss your intimate stuff before you went to bed.
Els Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 How can some of you say there's nothing wrong with what he did? He was a JERK. There's nothing wrong with one-night stands... IF both people know it's a one-night stand. It doesn't matter if it's for one week or one day, if things are so 'complicated' you don't go around sleeping with other people before making sure they know what the situation is like. I hope you're not still looking forward to spending time with him after this, OP.
crosswordfiend Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 what do you mean voldigicam by "Although you know how he handles conflict . . . ." I'm not voldigicam, but basically what he is hinting at is that this guy handles conflict by avoidance - not picking up the phone or calling back.
missdependant Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 His mind is in a different place. I agree with everyone else who said move on. You can do better.
RecordProducer Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 He was a JERK. There's nothing wrong with one-night stands... IF both people know it's a one-night stand. So you expect from a man who has the opportunity to have sex after a party, before even a first date, to tell the girl honestly how he feels about his ex? He did mention his ex and that was a cue for her to know that he still cares about the ex. When a 'relationship' starts in bed, be prepared that it might not continue as a relationship. Not because sex on the first night turns men off - in fact, I don't think that - just because it's nothing serious. By sleeping with someone too soon, before any standards and expectations have been set, you're showing them that sex is not a big deal for you. If she gets attached after spending one night with someone, then she should be more careful and give herself more time to test the waters before she allows herself to be hurt. Peaceandlove, I totally understand your feelings and I am definitely pro sexual spontaneity, but the reality is such that you just don't know what you're jumping into - if you jump too quickly without looking. When you sleep with someone immediately, it's like sending the message: there's no need for me to make sure that you're looking for a legitimate relationship; it doesn't matter to me what will happen to us tomorrow.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Just ignore him and if you do see him in person, act like it didn't mean anything to you.
D-Lish Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Then I didn't hear from him for 2 days and I tried calling him but wouldn't reply. Did the same the following day but he wouldn't return my calls. I wouldn't respond to him after his explanation. You tried calling him for a couple days after the sex and he ignored you. Responding to him now telling him you are relieved and don't want a relationship either isn't worth your time. Not responding at all is your best course of action. It sounds like spending more time with you was something he initially thought about, but once he had a chance to step back and gather his thoughts, he felt guilty and turned back to his ex.
Trimmer Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 I'd like to point out that there's a possibility (no, not sure, of course..) that he's just lying about getting back together with his ex as a way of dumping you. How often on here do we see topics "how do I let him/her down easy???" and one of the answers is always "tell him/her you're getting back with an ex..." He may have even laid (no pun intended) the groundwork for this before sleeping with you by mentioning the existence of the ex. So either he lied to you about his relationship with the ex not being worth it (to get you into bed) or he is lying to you now about getting back together with her (to get rid of you.)
Author Peaceandlove Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 Recordproducer, in hindsight i think you're 100% right Point to note however is that he was the one who asked me about my boyfriend (he wasn't sure whether I was still with him) and I asked about his gf as I wasn't sure either and he assured me that it was long over between them and wasn't really working from the start. I retrospect maybe he was projecting his own thoughts/doubts on me? What really suprised me was him behaviour the next morning- I expected him to get dressed and leave- whereas he asked me out for breakfast and went out of his way holding doors, paying for everything etc. That is why I started seeing him as maybe someone that I would like to spend more time with and not just a one-night stand; and therefore the reason why I was taken aback by his subsequent behaviour Could it be that this guy is just a bit old-school and too polite (nothing polite about not returning calls though!)
loser101 Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 it just goes to show that when you only know someone for a short time you don't know them at all. yes he is old-school and clearly he has done this before. get rid of his number, don't listen to your friend about trying to 'come up on top'. I really don't think that ever works. besides, what would that prove? you will feel bad about this for a few days but you'll move on quicker than you think
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 DON'T return his text. He hit and ran. Let it drop or you're setting yourself up for either another hit and run, being a side piece since his ex is his primary relationship or an FWB.
RecordProducer Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Could it be that this guy is just a bit old-school and too polite (nothing polite about not returning calls though!)I don't know about him, but I can tell you I was all over a guy that I started dating while I was still in love with my husband and I actually went back to my husband. I practically used the guy for that purpose, but mostly he was supposed to be a rebound guy. I used to call him when I felt like it and avoid his messages when I didn't care. Well, our reconciliation worked for a week or so. Six weeks later, I moved out and never saw this guy again. We talked a couple times on the phone, but I got the impression that he was offended that he ate so much crap from me cuz I was still in love with hubby. I still am, so now I am not dating anyone. This is just me, and it doesn't necessarily apply to other people. Starting a new relationship always potentially brings pain. We can't expect from everyone to be perfectly fair, and when we jump into somebody's bed, this is what we get most of the time. Live to learn. Learn to live.
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